paint01 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Hi everyone, I posted my last thread in the '2nd chances' section, thought I would post this one here too. Broke up with ex girlfriend of 3.5 years about 5 months ago. It was kind of messy, but since then I have heard much worse. Had to go limited contact for those months due to a lease. As of last week, the lease had expired and once I mail a check this week I will be done with her completely. This will be my first time being able to go full NC. Over the last week I have thoughts of the good times we had over the years. I was stupid and Googled her. She seems to be thriving without me, and I realize how little I have for myself after being with her for those years. She got a new boyfriend the day we broke up who I think she renewed the lease with, I'm still flying solo. Haven't hit a wall like this since our break up. Maybe it's because it is legally officially over now? I dont know. I'm not going to reach out, just keep making the progress I have for the last 5 months. Thought things would pick up for me quicker than they have, hopefully something good is around the corner...
StrongLass Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 That's all just part of the breakup roller coaster. It'll fade with time & effort if you take action to make your life more awesome from here on out Make yourself focus on the BAD things that made it all end. I mean, this girl got someone new THE DAY you broke up for gods-sake Does that sound like second chance wife-material to you? It could be some small part of you was still holding out hope for reconciliation even when in your mind you know it's over. Really, in your case Googling your ex is a bit of a good thing since it's given you a wake up call. Btw- have you been putting yourself out there? You can't have things "pick up" if you're just waiting for soulmate material to come knocking on your door!
Author paint01 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 I have been putting myself out there, but nothing solid is materializing. I've got some good seeds planted, so hopefully one will come into fruition. It probably wouldnt hurt to take more chances. It's weird to know that she got over me so fast. Sometimes I think that she is stronger than me because I still think about her. I bet she'll marry this new guy.
happydate Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I have been putting myself out there, but nothing solid is materializing. I've got some good seeds planted, so hopefully one will come into fruition. It probably wouldnt hurt to take more chances. It's weird to know that she got over me so fast. Sometimes I think that she is stronger than me because I still think about her. I bet she'll marry this new guy. She isn't stronger. She had contemplated dumping you months already and when she said the "I need my space" or "let's date others" is when she already found another dude to replace you. She's also doing it because she's done this A LOT as you're not her first. Rarely any guy is with a Miss I need you to complete me girl. Personally, I feel this other dude will face a very similar fate as you down the road. Shacking up so soon with another dude without a healing period after a 3.5 yrs stint meant she had always treated you as a meal replacement, or a she needs a man to complete her. That's her M.O. A woman who truly wants to heal after a long relationship with a man usually takes a breather for about 1 yr or 2 getting back to what she loves to do, be with her girlfriends (not man or gay friends) before putting herself back on the market, especially for a long relationship like this.
Author paint01 Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 She isn't stronger. She had contemplated dumping you months already and when she said the "I need my space" or "let's date others" is when she already found another dude to replace you. She's also doing it because she's done this A LOT as you're not her first. Rarely any guy is with a Miss I need you to complete me girl. Personally, I feel this other dude will face a very similar fate as you down the road. Shacking up so soon with another dude without a healing period after a 3.5 yrs stint meant she had always treated you as a meal replacement, or a she needs a man to complete her. That's her M.O. A woman who truly wants to heal after a long relationship with a man usually takes a breather for about 1 yr or 2 getting back to what she loves to do, be with her girlfriends (not man or gay friends) before putting herself back on the market, especially for a long relationship like this. She is definitley a "relationship girl" mixed in with "meal replacment girl". Her and I got together as a result of her coldly ending things with an on-and-off boyfriend of 7 years. I should've seen this coming, and I think I did on some level, because I spent those years waiting for something to go wrong. She was never totally honest with me, and that led to snooping on my part. I didn't think her being a 'relationship girl" would hurt as bad as it has. It's weird being replaced instantly. She doesn't keep friends. None of her friends from high school or college talk to her anymore. Her 'best friend' now encouraged her to cheat on me. She hadn't found this other dude that she's with now until after she cheated on me with a different guy. I know there was nothing between them before we broke up (snooping). She even talked sh*t about him when they first got together. Now she is happy as a clam according to the internet. He is younger and she told me (we were still talking/sleeping together their first 2 weeks together; which he probably doesnt know) that she wanted someone she could walk all over. I know in my head that she will do the same thing to him, but he broke up with his fiance to be with her, so he has no problem whipping out a ring. I figure they will be engaged/married before she does this again, so that all of our mutual 'friends' (we're in the same field) think that she truley found love and her actions are validated. She even told me that it is fate for her to be with him as he wouldve been married this summer. We had a very good sexual connection. It is probably just vanity, but thinking about her and some other guy doing the things that we did still hurts. She made it clear when she slept with him for the first time that "sex isn't a big deal" to her. She also talked sh*t about his size, but then when we were fighting told me that he is the best lover she has ever had, that I was nothing in comparison, and that she learned a lot from sex with me and is making sure to use it all on him. She talked enough sh*t before LC/NC that I don't know what to believe. It shouldn't matter, but having your libido attacked after being told that you were someone's best for 3.5 years is a mindfu*k. She also never has been given an orgasm (she's 26) and part of me is still worried that this guy is going to be the first one to give that to her. (Maybe the ladies can help me out here?) Regardless, I need to get over it, I know. I'm doing better than I was when I was with her; eating good, exercising, expanding my circle of friends and career. It's all just happening slowly. This last week has been a little rough.
happydate Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 (edited) Could be... Can be.. Here's a summary of a manipulator and their M.O. Sounds familiar. 1, An effectively male ego stroker. Really stroke yours good, telling how good you are blah blah blah. I've been told I gave great sex 200%. But but but, what happened to the last guy?!? Only 150% or the first? Great kisser, great this and that and oh I'm special. You're the only one that came inside me with nothing blah blah.. Then I found out, she had other guys who came inside her while we were dating. Pretty scary huh. 2, No real friends from school and college. Why? Because her friends already told her the truth that she's trash, but she can't accept the truth. The only friends she got are exes and boys who are hoping for a back door approach or friends who tell her lies just to befriend her. 3, Brags and back stab others to make her look grand. A typical low self-esteem individual who loath to ferment on other's miseries. 4, Brings down the victim's self-esteem lower than the manipulator. 5, Has some serious repressed emotions that are unreleased. Which means the heart is closed. It's kind of difficult to have a satisfying hot orgasm when your heart is closed. You get physical, but not that warm spiritual stuff when you actually love someone. The sad part is that, the men she goes out with also love for that hot orgasmic feeling that they once had with their own girls before they got dumped. Healing via NC is to address all those repressed emotions by expressing them fully by yelling out loud in the secluded open or by talking about it with your best friends so they can help you. Here's my experience and observation. Your girlfriend was probably a nice good girl with lots of friends then before she started dating. When she dated guys, she probably feel in love genuinely with one guy. The sex was great because both hearts were open. But just like any other dating, she was expecting a long lasting commitment only to be disappointed by a break up. Her heart was broken and she felt betrayed. The proper course of action is to try and heal that heart by being alone and be with her close friends. She probably had those friends then and probably spilled her guts out. But because she can't be alone, she went prowling around again and got another guy. She's happy again and they bang together and she hopes she can recreate that intense feeling. Unfortunately because she is not healed from her first relationship, her heart is closed. She associates sex with love which is not what is really all about. She becomes disappointed that she couldn't get that feeling again. But then, she accumulates more baggage. By this time, her real friends become concerned and tried talking her out of dating and into healing. She's changing more from a high self-esteem happy go lucky girl that they know into a lower self-esteem girl and only wanting to hear what she wants to hear. So eventually, her best friends started leaving her and she truly then become lonely. Without proper council, she looks for anyone that's willing to say what she wants to hear and fill her friends with them. At the same time, she continues looking for guys to get the same feelings she got from her first true love and to fill her extensive loneliness. The stuff she told you is the same as I heard from my exes as well. Baggage create blockage in the heart and how to love. Men suffer the same too. So guys who bang her in a way are also damaged goods, so that's why you two were connected. Unless she is willing to stop this process of sleeping with guys as a way to solve her loneliness, she will continue this on and on. When she gets older, it's not uncommon you'll find her in AFF.com That's where all the damaged goods seem to pool in. Why do you want to join her? You need to heal your heart and address all repressed emotions. Until you do, you will continue attracting girls like her. Edited July 16, 2013 by happydate
Author paint01 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 You're pretty right on, man. Ill give some more info to aid anyone here going through a similar thing. My ex was abused as a kid by her Dad. He hit her regularly and sheltered her (she couldn't cross the street until she was 15), among other abuses (nothing sexual as far as I know, though I still have some doubts). Her mom was sick her whole life and died when she was 19-20. She never let herself grieve that loss and still blames her own 'karma' for killing her Mom. As far as past relationships go, her first boyfriend was when she was 15. She dumped him and got a new boyfriend the next day. It was apparently a big scandal at her high school. He was a bit older than her and she lost her virginity to him. They were together for 2+ years until she broke up with him. While in college she started sleeping around. After a few guys things got trashier until she met a guy (I'll call him Rick) who became her first 'open' relationship. He wanted a relationship and she said no, so they would cheat on each other all the time. While this was going on, she was still on-and-off with the guy she lost her V-card to. He always went back to her, not knowing 1/2 of the things she was doing with Rick and other guys. Rick moved and she began seeing another guy. She studied abroad for 6 months while this guy waited on her. She cheated on him twice and when she got back said, "I didn't know we were doing long distance." I guess the guy was devastated. Around this time, her friends lost faith in her and they stopped hanging out. I came into the picture soon after, though we were acquaintances for some time. She called things off with the V-Card dude the weekend we first went out. She told me she had only been with 3 people before me. It took several months before I found out I was number 13 (not terrible I know, but still a lot of lies). Things progressed like this and I found myself slowly taking on the baggage of her 2 relationships (V-Card guy and Rick). Also her guilt from thinking she killed her Mom and years of abuse from her Dad. She also showed me a photoshoot she took for Rick of dozens of pictures of her masturbating for him. Between the pictures, the lies, and her still talking to him, I began snooping. We moved to a new city together. Lots of bad things happened outside of our relationship, and the name Rick kept reappearing. It was pretty bizarre, and I couldn't shake it. She started hitting me a lot, lied about money, and in general didn't care about me at all. very selfish. One time I pushed her back after she was messing with me and she told all of her 'friends', which effectively ostracized me from her circle. After 2 years of that I started getting depressed and very paranoid (two things I have a tendency for) and I stopped caring little by little. I kept hope that we would work through it and things would be ok. She went overseas for a week and stopped talking to me, which was very usual. I checked her email and found out that she was fooling around with a guy named Rick (no joke) and her new 'best friend' was supporting her doing it. She came back in town, we broke up and she found this new guy she's with now. He went out of town to break up with his fiancé and I was weak and suggested we have sex until he got back in town (bad move in hindsight, but I wanted to be 'that guy', who I'd never been before). We have a week of crazy hate-sex while this guy dumps his fiancé. During the week, her and I open up about things we (she, especially) had never told each other. I found out that she chose this guy because he reminded her of the boyfriend in college she cheated on while abroad. She barely mentioned that guy in 3.5 years, and now she was crying with guilt. Unbelievable. So it's over, I move out and he moves in. Your comment about all the baggage really struck a chord with me. She has waaaaay more baggage than I could've comprehended. And like you said, this new guy is just telling her what she wants to hear. He has validated the way she ended things with me. Part of me wonders when she will feel guilty for how she acted with me. It took almost 6 years for that other guy she cheated on to affect her enough to **** me over. Just typing, everybody. I know each situation is different! It feels good to write.
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