SkyWheel Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Let's just say I can recognize that I've lost a good bit of myself over the years (I'm 21 now). I'm in a weird place with a relationship I've been in since I was 17. But that's not really the main topic of this thread. Any tips for building one's self-esteem? I feel like I knew who I was before the relationship started but not so much now. I come from an alcoholic/dysfunctional family. I believe that a lot of my issues have stemmed from that. See this link: The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc. I have always had this nagging voice in the back of my head about how I tend to screw things up. I gave my boyfriend everything I had and I love him dearly, but I can also recognize how incredibly codependent I am and I suck at creating boundaries. I'm trying hard not to get too frustrated where I am right now--I'm essentially stuck waiting to graduate from college in December. I can't get away from my parents and really live for myself until then. I'm currently interning with an internationally-known company but I'm not really satisfied with the work. The situation with my (essentially ex) boyfriend is also really aching badly. I want my degree over with and want to start my career, but I have these feelings of frustration about feeling "trapped." I'm currently seeing a therapist, at least. We'll see how that goes. Any tips, anyone? Thanks in advance
AllTooWell Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 I can relate to this SO much. I also come from an alcoholic family. It has caused a lot of pain in my life. My mother is now 5 years sober, but she is the only one. I'm glad that you see you are codependent. I didn't until I had basically smothered him and he left me. And now, not by choice, I have to be independent. Self-love and independence are somewhat related. I would say that you should try to hang out with your friends more. Have a few nights a week to YOURSELF and make yourself busy. Try new things. Go to the gym. Take a class you've always wanted to (not academic, like cooking or yoga or something) and increase your confidence. If you're interested in exploring the whole alcoholic side of your family, go to Al-Anon. Google it and find a meeting near you. It is for families of those who are troubled by someones drinking. It is an INCREDIBLE place and is in a sense, therapy. Definitely a form of self love!
Author SkyWheel Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 I've been going to a local Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting, actually. I've thought about Al-Anon too. I've actually heard people at the ACA meeting say they started at Al-Anon then found out that ACA was an even better fit. I really enjoy the ACA meetings I've been attending. It's so freeing. I wish I could feel the serenity I feel after those meetings more often. I might see about an Al-Anon meeting or two though. Thanks for the suggestion My dad wasn't an alcoholic as I grew up, but it's one of those cases where you remove the alcohol but not the drunk behavior. I really hate the summer here--very few friends of mine are around, so I'm spending way too much time alone. I wish things would just change instantly, but this isn't how life works.
jphcbpa Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Found this online... 5 Ways to Validate Yourself: Be Part of Your Support System "5 Ways to Self Validate If you’re also looking to increase your capacity for self-soothing to depend less on validation from others, you may find these ideas helpful: 1. Make a “you” section in your daily gratitude journal. Of course this assumes you already keep a gratitude journal to recognize and celebrate all the good things in your day. If you don’t, you can still take a few minutes every day to give yourself some credit. Note down the things you’ve done well, the choices you’ve made that you’re proud of, the progress you’ve made, and even the things that required no action at all—for example, the time you gave yourself to simply be. When you regularly praise yourself, self-validation becomes a habit you can depend on when you need it the most. 2. Before seeking external validation, ask yourself, “What do I hope that person tells me?” Then tell it to yourself. Odds are you aren’t always looking for someone’s advice or opinion when you come to them with a painful story. You’re looking for them to confirm you didn’t do anything wrong—or that, if you did, you’re not a bad person for it. Essentially, you’re looking for someone else to see the best in you and believe in you. Give yourself what you’re seeking from them before making that call. Then by all means, make it if you want to. The goal isn’t to stop reaching out to others. It’s to also be there for yourself. Do that first. The words you want to hear from someone else will be far more powerful if you fully believe what they’re saying. 3. Recognize when you’re judging your feelings. If you’re in the habit of feeling bad about feeling down, or feeling bad about feeling insecure—or generally having emotional reactions to emotions—you will inevitably end up feeling stuck and helpless. Get in the habit of telling yourself, “I have a right to feel how I feel.” This will help you understand your feelings and work through them much more easily, because you won’t be so deeply embedded in negativity about yourself. Once you’ve accepted your feelings, you’ll then be free to seek support for the actual problem—not your self-judgment about having to deal with it. 4. See yourself as the parent to the child version of you. I know this one might sound odd—bear with me! Many of us didn’t receive the type of love, support, and kindness we needed growing up, and this may have taught us to treat ourselves harshly and critically. When you’re looking for that warm, fuzzy feeling that emerges when someone you trust tells you, “Everything is going to be okay,” imagine yourself saying it to your younger self. Picture that little kid who tried so hard, meant no harm, and just wanted to be loved and cherished. This will likely help in deflating your self-criticism and fill you a genuine sense of compassion for yourself. Once again, this doesn’t need to be an alternative to seeking compassion from others; it just provides a secure foundation from which you’ll be better able to receive that. 5. Get in the habit of ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Oftentimes when we’re feeling down on ourselves, we feel a (sometimes subconscious) desire to punish ourselves. When we reject or deprive ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves. If you’re feeling down, or down on yourself, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” Or otherwise expressed: What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced? You may find that you need to take a walk to feel more energized, take a nap to feel better rested, practice deep breathing to clear your head, or drink some water to hydrate yourself. This is validating yourself in action. Whenever you address your needs, you reinforce to yourself that they are important, regardless of whatever you did or didn’t do previously. One more thing has helped me tremendously in validating myself: accepting that it’s okay to need reminders like these. There was a time when I saw this as something shameful—an indication that other people who seemed self-assured were somehow better than me. I wondered why self-kindness didn’t always come instinctively. But when I stopped judging myself, I remembered all the experiences that helped shape my critical inner voice. It wasn’t a sign of weakness that I needed to put in some effort; it was a sign of strength that I was willing to do it."
jphcbpa Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 another... "From the time we are born, we need validation. Loving parents offer consistent validation to their children, validating their feelings, their perceptions, their gifts and talents, their particular form of intelligence, their interests, their kindness, caring, and intuition. You are very fortunate if you received this kind of validation from your parents. If your parents also validated their own feelings, perceptions, and so on, then you are extremely fortunate, as you likely learned to do this for yourself from their role modeling. However, if your parents did not validate you or themselves, then the chances are that not only do you not know how to do this for yourself, but you don't even know that it is your responsibility to do this for yourself. Since I received very little validation as I was growing, and I never saw my parents validate themselves, I had no idea how to do it or even that it was possible to do this for myself. Now I know that self-validation is not only possible, but absolutely necessary to feel happy, inwardly peaceful, secure, worthy, and have loving relationships with others. How To Validate Yourself In order to validate yourself, you need to start to notice two things: You need to start to notice how much you judge yourself rather than value yourself. You need to start to notice your feelings, your inner knowing, and your acts of kindness to others, and consciously value them. Judging yourself is the opposite of validating yourself, and creates much inner pain and insecurity. Self-judgment is generally a form of control to get yourself to do things "right" so that others will validate you and approve of you. But as much as you may succeed in getting others to approve of you, as long as you are judging yourself you will continue to feel badly about yourself. All feelings are informational, letting you know when you are abandoning yourself with your self-judgments and various addictions, and when others are being uncaring toward you and disconnected from you. As you learn to attend to your feelings and validate the information they are giving you, you will start to feel a deeper sense of self-worth and self-esteem. As you learn to trust your inner knowing rather than make others your authority for what is right or wrong for you, you will start to feel more inwardly powerful. When you choose to be kind to yourself and to others and value yourself for your kindness, you will find yourself feeling very happy with yourself. Think of your feelings and inner knowing as an actual child - your inner child. If you had an actual child and you wanted to raise that child to feel very secure, loved, and valued, how would you treat that child? How do you wish you had been treated as a child? This is how you need to treat yourself - your own inner child, if you want to become a self-validating person. Finally, you need to do a third thing to self-validate: You need to take loving action in your behalf based on what is loving to you - on what is in your highest good. In order to do this, you need to be devoted to learning to see yourself through the eyes of your Higher Self rather than through the eyes of your ego wounded self. You need to tune into the wisdom of your Higher Self to know what is loving action toward yourself and others. Your inner child will not know that he or she is important to you if you do not take loving action in your own behalf: eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise, speaking up for yourself with others without blame, creating a balance between work and play, moving yourself toward doing work you love, and so on. You will discover yourself feeling better and better about yourself and needing less and less validation from others as you take these steps."
Recommended Posts