After 8 years she says she isn't in love with me anymore.

July 15, 2013

My wife has been very distant lately and not wanting to even be close or hold hands. We had a serious heart to heart and she tells me she doesn't love me anymore. I am dying inside. We have three children ( 4, 5, 8 ). She tells our mutual friends that I am a great father, husband, and provider, but has been in a "funk" and doesn't know what the problem is. She even admits to feeling like a bad mother and wife because of her current state. I admit things have been routine and I am away two times a week for 36 hour periods. When I am gone she says that she is so used to it she doesn't miss me. She insists there isn't another guy she is seeing or even talking to. Sex has stopped and the passion is gone. We recently started at a local gym and are in the best shape of our lives, we both feel great about this. No longer sitting around and being lazy. This is the only thing that has changed for us. I need help in a bad way. Life is not good right now but keeping up the face at home for kids.

July 15, 2013

Women with minor children seldom check out of marriages unless/

1. Substance abuse by either party.

2. Physical abuse

3.Emotional abuse,,this includes emotional abdonment..ie too much xbox...too many poker nights with buddies.

4. Third party involvement.

Pick your poison.

July 15, 2013

We had a serious heart to heart and she tells me she doesn't love me anymore.

Isn't love in a marriage something that you work for and develop? Butterflies don't last. Rough patches are normal.

When I am gone she says that she is so used to it she doesn't miss me. She insists there isn't another guy she is seeing or even talking to. Sex has stopped and the passion is gone.

She just wants to give up on it? She's just bailing? That's not fair.

July 15, 2013

Thats how i feel ,i feel like she is giving up also. I have put effort to tell her that i will fight for us and she says that is good but she doesnt want me to have false hope.

July 15, 2013

If I married a guy and he bailed on me with 3 little children, I'd be very sore.

July 15, 2013

What's the other guy's name?

July 15, 2013

She's boinking someone else.

July 15, 2013

People fall out of love with other people. It happens and it's harsh on the other party, but it happens.

I think it speaks far more to the mentality of some people on this site that automatically assume infidelity.

July 15, 2013

I think it speaks far more to the mentality of some people on this site that automatically assume infidelity.

I think it speaks to the mentality that you DON'T assume infidelity with what she said. Dollars to donuts she is having either an emotional or physical affair.

Edited July 15, 2013 by LisaLee

July 15, 2013

This is the number one thing that will probably keep me from getting married. Women are emotion driven and need to "feel" it. Once they don't it's over. Marriage isn't for most people because they don't go into it consciously expecting pitfalls. People are human an it is likely that you will develop a crush on soneone even though you're married. How are they going to handle that? There are obviously tons of other scenarios but I think I made my point.

OP: Did the sex taper off before she broke the news? How long ago did it slow down/stop? Reaentment is one of the greatest sex drive killers so yall nees to dig deep to find out what the problem is. TBS her don't get your hopes up comment tells me the nail is pretty much in the coffin:(

July 15, 2013

I think it speaks to the mentality that you DON'T assume infidelity with what she said. Dollars to donuts she is having either an emotional or physical affair.

Why? It seems very similar to the situation I found myself in with my ex-fiancé, albeit without the issue of children. I just stopped loving her. A very close friends marriage broke up for the same reason too. In both cases no-one was involved with anyone else, emotionally or otherwise.

So whilst an affair is possible, it's by no means a certainty.

July 15, 2013

So whilst an affair is possible, it's by no means a certainty.

It's certainly something to investigate.

July 15, 2013

Sex tapered off about two months ago. About the time frame that she explained she stopped loving me. She suggested now that i find a girlfriend because she isn't feeling sexual and she knows what my sexual appetite is. It immediately made me think of extramarital activity on her part but she insists there isnt. ( yeah right). But on a good note today is a good day.

July 15, 2013

It's certainly something to investigate.

Oh absolutely. But I'm sure that certain scenarios have only been made worse by one party assuming infidelity where none was actually taking place.

Don't assume anything, until you know. And knowing does not mean suspect.

July 15, 2013

Sex tapered off about two months ago. About the time frame that she explained she stopped loving me. She suggested now that i find a girlfriend because she isn't feeling sexual and she knows what my sexual appetite is. It immediately made me think of extramarital activity on her part but she insists there isnt. ( yeah right). But on a good note today is a good day.

When wives suggest their husbands find a little honey on the side to take care of their sexual needs it means one or a combination of a few things -

- She has completely lost all sexual/romantic attraction to you. This can be to weight gain, losing hair, not grooming/personal hygiene etc, dressing like a slob and just generally being lazy/passive/playing video games/TV etc and can also come from just being a supplicating, always-trying-to-please pu$$y.

- She has someone on the side herself and just wants you out of the way to pursue that more and to give herself justification for boinking someone else.

- It is a test to see if you are still committed to her or not. In other words she will suggest you get a girlfriend but if you take her up on the offer she will dump your @$$ for cheating.

July 15, 2013

So what to do about all of this????

Here are a few pointers to get started on ASAP

- Put your foot down and inform her in no uncertain terms that your family is not going to dissolve just because she isn't having school-girl butterflies in her tummy. Smack down any suggestions of outside, 3rd party romantic/sexual outlets. All people are sexual beings and that her sexual needs will be met by you and your needs will be met by her.

- Schedule her for a thorough exam to rule out any medical/psychological conditions such as depression, exhaustion, hormonal imbalances etc.

- Start making yourself as fit, sharp, well groomed, well dressed and best looking as possible.

- stop being a passive, supplicating, lazy pu$$y and start taking an active, leadership role in the family. Put away the Xbox and start fixing things around the house and yard and start making plans for the future of family.

- Start flirting with her, hitting on her and initiating sex with her and start taking her out for some grown up fun and excitement again. The need for dating and romance and seduction and flirtation never ends for either of you. Take her out, flirt with her, hit on her, seduce her and when you do end up in bed, ravage the living ***** out of her, Throw her legs over your shoulders and pound her into the basement and lay the lumber to her like the dude she wants to have the affair with.

-IMPORTANT NOTE: She is going to resist and push back on ALL of those things. See a lawyer and get a divorce plan in place to protect your assets, home, property and relationship with your children. When she resists and pushes back, give her the option of going to counseling with you and fixing this or taking the amicable divorce options on YOUR terms since she is the one checking out because she's simply not haaaaapyyyy.

The clincher though is YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT! You have to be prepared to give a true ultimatum and be prepared to let her go if she doesn't capitulate and come back into the fold.

- Order the books, "No more Mr Nice Guy" and "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" ASAP and read them cover to cover.

And finally read this very carefully, this is very important -

When a wife tells a husband, 'I-love-you-but-not-in-love-with-you' (ILYBNILWY) and especially if she tells him to find a girlfriend, He only has a matter of weeks at the most before her legs are over another man's shoulders if she hasn't already and it's literally a matter of weeks to a few more months before she walks out to, "find herself" because she's not 'haaaapyyyy.'

Velcro your balls back on and start taking charge of this situation today if you want to still be a couple in a month.

July 15, 2013

So what to do about all of this????

Here are a few pointers to get started on ASAP

- Put your foot down and inform her in no uncertain terms that your family is not going to dissolve just because she isn't having school-girl butterflies in her tummy. Smack down any suggestions of outside, 3rd party romantic/sexual outlets. All people are sexual beings and that her sexual needs will be met by you and your needs will be met by her.

- Schedule her for a thorough exam to rule out any medical/psychological conditions such as depression, exhaustion, hormonal imbalances etc.

- Start making yourself as fit, sharp, well groomed, well dressed and best looking as possible.

- stop being a passive, supplicating, lazy pu$$y and start taking an active, leadership role in the family. Put away the Xbox and start fixing things around the house and yard and start making plans for the future of family.

- Start flirting with her, hitting on her and initiating sex with her and start taking her out for some grown up fun and excitement again. The need for dating and romance and seduction and flirtation never ends for either of you. Take her out, flirt with her, hit on her, seduce her and when you do end up in bed, ravage the living ***** out of her, Throw her legs over your shoulders and pound her into the basement and lay the lumber to her like the dude she wants to have the affair with.

-IMPORTANT NOTE: She is going to resist and push back on ALL of those things. See a lawyer and get a divorce plan in place to protect your assets, home, property and relationship with your children. When she resists and pushes back, give her the option of going to counseling with you and fixing this or taking the amicable divorce options on YOUR terms since she is the one checking out because she's simply not haaaaapyyyy.
The clincher though is YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT! You have to be prepared to give a true ultimatum and be prepared to let her go if she doesn't capitulate and come back into the fold.

- Order the books, "No more Mr Nice Guy" and "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" ASAP and read them cover to cover.

And finally read this very carefully, this is very important -

When a wife tells a husband, 'I-love-you-but-not-in-love-with-you' (ILYBNILWY) and especially if she tells him to find a girlfriend, He only has a matter of weeks at the most before her legs are over another man's shoulders if she hasn't already and it's literally a matter of weeks to a few more months before she walks out to, "find herself" because she's not 'haaaapyyyy.'

Velcro your balls back on and start taking charge of this situation today if you want to still be a couple in a month.

The catch to all of this is in order for it to work, she has to see you as more attractive and having a higher "market value" than her. You simply have to get off video games/tv/couch and get more proactive in the leadership of your family and start grooming, dressing, looking better ASAP.

If she sees you as someone who will have a younger, cuter, sexier girlfriend before she can find a suitable partner after the split, she will be less likely to leave you. If she sees herself going out with tall, rich, handsome studs in red corvettes while you are sitting home crying in your beer, she will have less respect for you and will be more likely to leave you.

I know that seems irrational since she suggested you get a girlfriend, but she is in a completely irrational state.

July 15, 2013

Physically not an issue, i am very fit. Being lazy not an issue, i am involved in many activities as a family including household chores which in our house we do together. Gaming is kept to a bare minimum when we r together. I refused the offer of girlfriend and said that this is not what i want, i wanted to only be with her. We have been intimate one time since all of this. She said that she knows i needed it and hopes it doesnt give me false hope. I admit the sex has been more of a release than a romantic thing as of past year but when i did make an attempt to be romantic she had said "i think we r past this stage". She instead wanted rough and quick. Which i gladly gave. And she goes next Monday to see a Dr. about getting testing done for hormonal and depression issues.

Edited July 15, 2013 by eperkola
needed to add

July 15, 2013

Physically not an issue, i am very fit. Being lazy not an issue, i am involved in many activities as a family including household chores which in our house we do together. Gaming is kept to a bare minimum when we r together. I refused the offer of girlfriend and said that this is not what i want, i wanted to only be with her. We have been intimate one time since all of this. She said that she knows i needed it and hopes it doesnt give me false hope. I admit the sex has been more of a release than a romantic thing as of past year but when i did make an attempt to be romantic she had said "i think we r past this stage". She instead wanted rough and quick. Which i gladly gave

If what you are saying is true then find a competent counselor and schedule a meeting. If she balks, tell her you will not settle for living in a state of limbo and in an unstable home with someone who has questions of their love and commitment.

There are probably issues here that require a professional to sift through and peel back the layers.

She is either feeling bored and uninspired and sees you as a simply a friend, roommate and coparent and has no attraction and sexual chemistry with you.

Or she is feeling insecure, unappreciated and disconnected and unimportant to you. It may take a professional to figure out which.

Don't ask what she wants to do or feels comfortable and content doing. Schedule an appointment and tell her living in limbo is unacceptable and you either get busy fixing the marriage and living happily and healthily.

Or you get busy mediating out the terms of an amicable divorce to minimize the pain and trauma to everyone involved.

Both of those outcomes will require professional guidance. If she outright refuses to go, go by yourself so you have someone that can help you sort out all of your issues and help you come up with a gameplan for your future so you can move on.

July 15, 2013

Oldshirt. I agree with what your saying. The whole point to join this page was to be completely open and honest with everything to people who could give me an outside opinion or even just to vent. Giving false stories and building up would be flaws, isn't going to help me. I need help not pity. Thank you for your advise and candidness i appreciate it greatly. Even if the advise is just confirmation.

July 15, 2013

Oh absolutely. But I'm sure that certain scenarios have only been made worse by one party assuming infidelity where none was actually taking place.

Don't assume anything, until you know. And knowing does not mean suspect.

Because in this case the wife has done, and seems unwilling to do anything to rectify the situation. In your case you did not have kids. It was easy for you to break free. This is a wife with 3 kids all under 10 who sounds extremely willing to give up her family just because she says those feelings of love are gone. When you are invested emotionally, financially, with children, for nearly a decade, you don't just walk away. More often than not there is someone on the side... doesn't even have to be a physical affair, but it sounds like someone is meeting her emotional need to where

1) she doesn't sound willing to try to address her issues. She already told him don't get your hopes up... and a HUGE red flag

2) she is OK with Husband getting a piece on the side.

We all speak from our own experience. Your experience is you feel out of love and ditched the scene. Mine, and many many others.... are we got the ILYBNILWY speech and there was someone else waiting. What she has said and suggested is classic stuff.

If it was me I would start investigating.

July 15, 2013

I don't think it's wise to assume she is cheating at this point. Her lack of interest in the marriage could be from a number of possible things. As other posters have mentioned, she could be going through a mild depression. She could be bored or feeling neglected. I think going to marriage counseling should be your first step. Not the divorce lawyer or the PI. You need to assure her that you would never be interested in stepping outside your marriage, and that you hope she would never betray your marriage like that either. You need to assure her that you value your relationship and your family, and you will do whatever it takes to make it work. Let her know that it is normal for couples to go through times when they are feeling disconnected from each other or not in love with each other, but that it is usually a temporary feeling, and the relationship can get back on track if both are motivated. Then make sure you romance her. Take her on regular dates. Go for walks with her. Talk about your lives, your goals, your feelings in depth, and reconnect on an emotional level. Expand your sexual technique so that she is pleasantly surprised, and not just experiencing the same old same old every time. If sex has become routine or predictable, it loses its excitement and passion. There is a lot you can do to salvage your marriage, you just have to be proactive and not jump to conclusions and not pull out the heavy guns (divorce lawyers) and escalate the negative. Make an appointment for marriage counseling, and start doing the things that make a woman fall in love again. Love can return in a marriage if you foster it.

July 15, 2013

Because in this case the wife has done, and seems unwilling to do anything to rectify the situation. In your case you did not have kids. It was easy for you to break free. This is a wife with 3 kids all under 10 who sounds extremely willing to give up her family just because she says those feelings of love are gone. When you are invested emotionally, financially, with children, for nearly a decade, you don't just walk away. More often than not there is someone on the side... doesn't even have to be a physical affair, but it sounds like someone is meeting her emotional need to where

1) she doesn't sound willing to try to address her issues. She already told him don't get your hopes up... and a HUGE red flag

2) she is OK with Husband getting a piece on the side.

We all speak from our own experience. Your experience is you feel out of love and ditched the scene. Mine, and many many others.... are we got the ILYBNILWY speech and there was someone else waiting. What she has said and suggested is classic stuff.

If it was me I would start investigating.

None of that is proof of an affair though.

It may indicate the possibility of one, but there are other explanations, as Kathy has pointed out. Often people make a suggestion, the opposite of what they don't want, in a fishing attempt to hear what they do want.

"Do you want to split up?"

"No, of course not"

Validation.

And people quite don't address the issue either out of fear for finding a truth they don't want to find, or worse, finding a truth that they do.

Yes I'm coloured by my experienced, as are you (although, for the record, I didn't walk away from my relationship. I was a coward and waited till she dumped me)

I've not stated that it isn't an affair, I've just said to automatically jump to that conclusion is premature.

July 16, 2013

thus far there is no proof of an affair or of another man somewhere.....but it is worth doing some serious investigating.

It is time to start playing private eye. start going through phone/txt records, hacking her computer, getting into her email/facebook etc. Start looking through bank and credit card records, snoop through her purse, drawers etc.

Put a GPS tracker in her car. A lot of people talk to their APs in the car so a voice-activated recorder in the car and in a part of the house she hangs out by herself a lot in may be order.

She may not be a full blown physical affair at this exact moment but there is a high likelihood she is at minimum warming someone up in the bullpen right now or is at least thinking that she has some other options.

If they can be discovered now, they can be shoo'd away.

The naysayers will cry that this is an invasion of her privacy and a display of lack of respect. Well gosh golly darns, I guess a wife and mother of 3 who one day declares she is no longer in love with her husband and tells him to go find another woman is certainly needing her privacy and to be trusted now isn't she LOL

A marriage, home and family is the biggest investment someone will ever make and if there is an interloper trying to destabilize and destroy that investment, people have the right to investigate it and intervene to protect their rightful investment.

July 16, 2013

You gotta tell her she does not need to be constantly in love.

However you have to live with the fact that with 3 children she is crunching numbers on how much she might get out of a divorce.

Sign In

After 8 years she says she isn't in love with me anymore.

Recommended Posts

eperkola

standtall

Eggplant

eperkola

Eggplant

Scrivdog

LisaLee

letsbeotherpeople

LisaLee

SJC2008

letsbeotherpeople

USMCHokie

eperkola

letsbeotherpeople

oldshirt

oldshirt

oldshirt

eperkola

oldshirt

eperkola

LisaLee

KathyM

letsbeotherpeople

oldshirt

Tiberius

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...