It's been a year and a half...

[onemorefortheroad]

My story is complicated. I was with a guy for over seven years... we got together when we were both very young (me 20, him 21) and moved in together within months. The relationship was a roller coaster of nonstop fighting, sparked by emotional immaturity... most of it being my fault. I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship, but once we had gotten so far, I felt very afraid to get out since our lives were so intertwined. He was my best friend, regardless, and both he and his family were there for me during some of the most difficult moments of my life without any hesitation.

 

Fast forward to the end of those 7+ years. I cheated on him one time and told him about it immediately. I felt horrible but I knew that me doing that was a sign that my heart wasn't in the right place and I decided to end the relationship. He moved out and I idiotically started to date the person I cheated on him with... he wasn't happy about this, obviously, but he was more concerned for me because he thought the guy was going to break my heart.

 

He was right. The guy broke my heart multiple times and we ended things several months ago. It's now been a year and a half since I ended things with the first guy. I don't live in the same place anymore but while I was still dating the other guy, I regularly visited and we'd hang out and we got along fine, but there was awkward tension between us.

 

I still love him. I never stopped loving him. I've grown A LOT since we split ways. I have no idea how he feels towards me in that sense... he says nice things about me all the time though. When we broke up, he put on a very tough act to make me think he was fine and I learned much later that the whole thing had left him, not surprisingly, devastated. When the guy after him dumped me, he was there to comfort me and he said a lot of very sweet things but said something about him and me not being right for each... this was like a year ago and I don't know if he really meant it or if he was just saying it because he was trying to convince himself of that.

 

We talk almost every day online but it's not flirtatious or anything like that (but I wouldn't expect that given we don't see each other often). It's not distant either. I know I can go to him anytime I'm feeling upset and vice versa--he's come to me to vent about an abusive relationship he was in.

 

I don't know how to put my foot in that water. In September, I'm moving out of the place I'm in now and I have to make the difficult decision of where to go live. I work from home so I can go wherever I want and I'm thinking about going back to the city he and I lived in together... not for him, but because I miss being there dearly. But if I were to see him, I'm not sure how I would bring any of this up. I know I owe him an apology for everything but after a year and a half of things being fairly normal between us, I don't even know how to bring that up... or if I should... I don't think I could ever hurt him again like I did then... I'm not the same person.

 

Am I crazy? Should I try to talk to him or should I just let it go?

[StrongLass]

Since you guys seem to still be good friends & you left in a kinda sh*tty way I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to apologize. Before you bring up the rest of what you've said here though, you need to fully grasp what it is you want.

 

Do you want a second chance with him? Or are you just concerned with righting an old wrong?

[onemorefortheroad]

It's definitely more than wanting to right an old wrong. I'm interested in a second chance with him but it just seems kind of scary to reveal that because what I left behind was more than 7 years of history.

 

The way I left was lame but I think it was ultimately good for both of us because we needed to grow as individuals... whether it was for us or for just our own wellbeing. If I had to do it all over again... I still would have ended things with him when I did, even if not under the same pathetic circumstances.

 

That probably sounds selfish, but he agreed with me that it was for the best, so I know he's not bitter about it or anything.

[AllTooWell]

It's definitely more than wanting to right an old wrong. I'm interested in a second chance with him but it just seems kind of scary to reveal that because what I left behind was more than 7 years of history.

 

The way I left was lame but I think it was ultimately good for both of us because we needed to grow as individuals... whether it was for us or for just our own wellbeing. If I had to do it all over again... I still would have ended things with him when I did, even if not under the same pathetic circumstances.

 

That probably sounds selfish, but he agreed with me that it was for the best, so I know he's not bitter about it or anything.

 

One thing to remember is that if you get back together you need to start a NEW relationship. This isn't you jumping back into a 7 year old relationship. Like you said, you've grown and changed during this time and so has he. You are both different people now and you need to start fresh if you could ever expect this to work out.

 

Sometimes time apart can be good for people. But, like you said, you also devastated him by cheating. He may never be able to trust you again. Time has passed, and even though you both are not bitter and agree its for the best, he still was hurt by your actions.

 

I think that because you guys are friends and on good terms you should approach him. But think about this long and hard. Think about EVERYTHING you know about this guy and if you really, truly think this would work. Has he forgiven you? Has his family? Could you really love him with all your heart and not want to stray again?

[onemorefortheroad]

One thing to remember is that if you get back together you need to start a NEW relationship. This isn't you jumping back into a 7 year old relationship. Like you said, you've grown and changed during this time and so has he. You are both different people now and you need to start fresh if you could ever expect this to work out.

 

Sometimes time apart can be good for people. But, like you said, you also devastated him by cheating. He may never be able to trust you again. Time has passed, and even though you both are not bitter and agree its for the best, he still was hurt by your actions.

 

I think that because you guys are friends and on good terms you should approach him. But think about this long and hard. Think about EVERYTHING you know about this guy and if you really, truly think this would work. Has he forgiven you? Has his family? Could you really love him with all your heart and not want to stray again?

 

Well the good thing there is that I don't really hold on to any emotions from that relationship. I went through a very weird period of cognitive dissonance towards him... he went no-contact on me for maybe a month but that was over a year ago... he moved on and was in 2 other relationships, both have ended. I've been out of a relationship for several months now. Nothing about that old relationship appeals to me--because it was unhealthy, but it was unhealthy because of who we were, not who we are now... which would literally be totally different.

 

I think the only reason I wanted to stray the first time was because we got into things too young... I lost my virginity to him and there was always that element of curiosity of what other people are like. Right before we broke up, we had talked about what our life goals were and they were very much not in line (I had a lot of things I wanted to do on my own, he was ready to settle/have kids). But with time and being on my own and doing those goals, what I want has changed and is no longer as selfish as it was then.

 

I like to think he'd forgive or already has. I don't know about his family. I haven't spoken with them since we broke up. They always cared about me and treated me like I was part of their family... but I don't know how they feel about me now or if they even got the full story of what happened.

[pau16]

My friends were together for 4 years until she cheated on him, they broke up, but got back together after 6 months. He forgave her. They have been together for the past 3 years.

 

Basically, no matter the situation, anyone can get their ex back. It just depends on the people I guess

 

At the same time, she's still insecure about him cheating on her one day. He never has and he never will. She has gotten better with her insecurities since then. It's all a process.

Edited August 4, 2013 by pau16

[happydate]

My story is complicated. I was with a guy for over seven years... we got together when we were both very young (me 20, him 21) and moved in together within months. The relationship was a roller coaster of nonstop fighting, sparked by emotional immaturity... most of it being my fault. I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship, but once we had gotten so far, I felt very afraid to get out since our lives were so intertwined. He was my best friend, regardless, and both he and his family were there for me during some of the most difficult moments of my life without any hesitation.

 

Fast forward to the end of those 7+ years. I cheated on him one time and told him about it immediately. I felt horrible but I knew that me doing that was a sign that my heart wasn't in the right place and I decided to end the relationship. He moved out and I idiotically started to date the person I cheated on him with... he wasn't happy about this, obviously, but he was more concerned for me because he thought the guy was going to break my heart.

 

He was right. The guy broke my heart multiple times and we ended things several months ago. It's now been a year and a half since I ended things with the first guy. I don't live in the same place anymore but while I was still dating the other guy, I regularly visited and we'd hang out and we got along fine, but there was awkward tension between us.

 

I still love him. I never stopped loving him. I've grown A LOT since we split ways. I have no idea how he feels towards me in that sense... he says nice things about me all the time though. When we broke up, he put on a very tough act to make me think he was fine and I learned much later that the whole thing had left him, not surprisingly, devastated. When the guy after him dumped me, he was there to comfort me and he said a lot of very sweet things but said something about him and me not being right for each... this was like a year ago and I don't know if he really meant it or if he was just saying it because he was trying to convince himself of that.

 

We talk almost every day online but it's not flirtatious or anything like that (but I wouldn't expect that given we don't see each other often). It's not distant either. I know I can go to him anytime I'm feeling upset and vice versa--he's come to me to vent about an abusive relationship he was in.

 

I don't know how to put my foot in that water. In September, I'm moving out of the place I'm in now and I have to make the difficult decision of where to go live. I work from home so I can go wherever I want and I'm thinking about going back to the city he and I lived in together... not for him, but because I miss being there dearly. But if I were to see him, I'm not sure how I would bring any of this up. I know I owe him an apology for everything but after a year and a half of things being fairly normal between us, I don't even know how to bring that up... or if I should... I don't think I could ever hurt him again like I did then... I'm not the same person.

 

Am I crazy? Should I try to talk to him or should I just let it go?

 

You will always love him in your memory, but you will never love him the same way.

 

You guys were young then and 7+ years is a long time growing up together, but one thing I believe that makes both of you incompatible and unhappy are both of your life goals. You are short changing yours and his.

Your life goals are to be independent and be free, whereas his goals are to settle down and have kids which is a complete opposite than yours. I think these reason are warrant enough for both of you to fight because both of you are independent thinkers. I think you cheated because of your own frustration in the relationship.

 

One of the downside of relationship is that, to make it work, both of you need to compromise and surrender your ambitions and goals to make the relationship work. When none of you are willing to do that, the relationship becomes the friction point. By you cheating, your subconscious mind simply tells you that you want out of this suffocation relationship because it isn't giving you the freedom you dearly wanted.

 

Intimate relationships really teach you who you really are in the end after the healing process is complete. You are a different person now and so will he. If he is determined to have a family of his own, then let him be. Don't interfere with his goals and ambitions which is not what you want. You should pursue your dreams, goals and ambitions that make you truly HAPPY. When you meet someone new who shares these same goals as you do is when you can be truly happy with the new him.

 

Second chances only work if both of you are in a balanced healthy relationship. You were not, so why would you want to walk into it again?

Which is why second chances usually don't work most of the time.

 

In order to right the wrong you did, you should repent from the sins you committed and forgave yourself first before you can forgive him. Once you have forgiven yourself properly, you will not want to pursue a relationship with your ex because your mind is clear. Right now, your mind is still unclear. You have NOT forgiven yourself completely yet, which is why you have a tendency to want to go back into the same old relationship again.

 

In regards to what he's saying to you online what he's been through. That's just rubbing your ego to make you feel better so you can heal and forget him. I think that's what he wants and you should move as far away from him as you can. Let him heal too and if you are to continue contacting him, you are being selfish by not letting him heal and move on.

 

Address what makes you happy first and once you know what that means, then you can pursue a new relationship. No man can complete you. He can only complement you and your goals and aspirations.

 

Best..

Edited August 4, 2013 by happydate