Telling someone they're your first

[ooglesnboogles]

Hey all, been a while.

 

So, I've been dating this girl for about a month now, and she's led to a string of firsts: kiss, girl-staying-overnight, sex, and some non-sexual ones that almost mean more. We haven't really talked about what either of us has done in the past, though I think she has a more experience than me, if only a little. I'm a year away from graduating college, she's about the same age, so I'm a bit of a late-bloomer I guess.

 

My question is, is there any point in the relationship where I should tell her she was my first in all these things? My gut says maybe I should, but my mind says it's a bad idea. Even if I do decide to tell her, when would be a good time?

 

 

Thanks for the help!

[Mws]

I would just say first time sex. But for the rest i mean maybe down the line I would tell her those things. Unless you think she wouldn't be put off by that.

[ANewBeginning]

Absolutely NO. You're a guy. You're not meant to talk. Hence why girls will always win arguements. Aim to keep everything to yourself and only let it out if she persists. Some girls will love the idea they're your first, others will think otherwise. I'd keep my cards close because there is no need to tell her anything at this point - maybe down the track if you guys end up in a committed long term relationship.

[nescafe1982]

I had one boyfriend who didn't tell me I was his first time having sex until 6 months later. It hurt my feelings a little bit that he hid if from me. I sort of thought "Wow, I would have made a little more effort to make it special if I'd known that." It wasn't a huge deal or anything, but I would have liked to have known.

 

Take that for what it's worth. And enjoy your firsts!

[Eclypse]

You should definitely tell her. I was in the same position as you with my girlfriend. I told her I'd never done anything with girls before except for some kissing. She was a virgin too and we went through it all together. It was sweet. If she looks down on you for this then she's not the kind of girl you want to be with?

[ooglesnboogles]

Absolutely NO. You're a guy. You're not meant to talk. Hence why girls will always win arguements. Aim to keep everything to yourself and only let it out if she persists. Some girls will love the idea they're your first, others will think otherwise. I'd keep my cards close because there is no need to tell her anything at this point - maybe down the track if you guys end up in a committed long term relationship.

 

A little while back, I feel like this would have been my response too. But now that I'm actually in this relationship, I feel a little differently. I mean, wouldn't it almost be a breach of trust to hold everything in like that? I'm a withheld person, but I'm also fairly truthful. I try to tell the truth if people ask me things, even if very limited in scope. But how can we have a relationship if I'm keeping everything tight to the vest like that?

 

 

 

I had one boyfriend who didn't tell me I was his first time having sex until 6 months later. It hurt my feelings a little bit that he hid if from me. I sort of thought "Wow, I would have made a little more effort to make it special if I'd known that." It wasn't a huge deal or anything, but I would have liked to have known.

 

Take that for what it's worth. And enjoy your firsts!

 

If you don't mind me asking, how much experience did you have before that boyfriend?

 

I duno. With my girl, I don't get the feeling that she's done a lot before (we moved pretty slowly, even though we saw each other a lot during the past month). She's definitely kissed guys before (or she's a damn good natural) but everything past that she seemed as nervous and awkward as me... but I don't think that's enough evidence to jump to any sort of conclusion.

 

And thanks, I did enjoy them =) Looking forward to whatever other firsts we have together.

 

 

 

You should definitely tell her. I was in the same position as you with my girlfriend. I told her I'd never done anything with girls before except for some kissing. She was a virgin too and we went through it all together. It was sweet. If she looks down on you for this then she's not the kind of girl you want to be with?

 

When did you tell her? I would think that would be awesome, I always kind of wanted that. But when things were happening, I was too nervous to speak up. I kinda felt like it might scare her off, or it might put the pressure on (on her, on me, or both).

[Rebellious]

There’s a chance it was her first time too. Just ask about her past experiences, then tell her she’s your best and only one.

[sdraw108]

Tell her. If she reacts well, you've improved the relationship by being open and honest. If she reacts badly, that will tell you a lot about what kind of person she is, and you'll have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone so judgmental. But do understand that by asking her, you're taking this risk (unless you know her well enough to know that she won't mind).

[ThomasD]

I think you REALLY should have told her that she was your first sex partner - for emotional and mental, as well as physiological, reasons.

 

As for the other things I tend to agree with "sdraw108" - your relationship would likely be more serious now if you had previously shared at least an outline of your prior history. And, as mentioned in his post, a little discussion now is likely to improve your relationship. Just be sure to keep the talk non-threatening. Remember that you two have chosen to be with each other, and what happened (or didn't happen) with previous boyfriends or girlfriends can be educational and give you insight into each other, but doesn't undermine what you have between yourselves now.

[dasein]

Can't like or agree with ANewBeginning's post to the thread enough. Don't ever make unnecessary disclosures of any aspect of your prior sexual life or activities with women until, as ANB says, you are in a committed, longterm relationship, and even then do so only with hesitance and great caution. Same applies to "feelings" or any heavy relationships topics. If they ask, deflect with humor unless there's absolutely no way out, and then only give the bare minimum to satisfy the demand. Until you have been dating a long, long time, and she is begging for a ring, the proper response to all their digging questions is almost always "nunya," just deflect with humor.

 

EDIT: This is also an excellent gauge of female attraction. If you aren't blabbing about such topics all the time, then when they start to get attached, they will start postulating things about you, your personality, trying to get some comment yea or nay out of you. Just smile and reply with "well if it makes you happy to think that, go right ahead" and know you are getting under their skin. Sorry if this seems sketchy or gamey, it's what -they-, not -us- have decided increases their attraction. If we had our way, everything from sex to relationships would be much more straightforward and direct, but that simple, truthful way just doesn't keep them interested. Watch some soap operas, to get more of a feel of what I'm talking about, or google "cat string theory."

Edited July 16, 2013 by dasein

[CanCan]

I am actually in the exact same situation as you are but I am the girl.

 

My boyfriend never been in a serious relationship before me. I am pretty sure he never kissed anyone before.

 

He opened up to me about his lack of experience pretty early on, partly, because I sorta guessed it. I jokingly brought it up so it came up as a topic of conversation and he opened up.

 

We are the same age in our mid 20's.

 

I honestly, appreciate that he was honest with me and willing to admit that he has never done anything before. I think you should feel comfortable and have that trust before you become physical with someone. when I was younger, I didn't do that and I regret it.

 

We've only fool around so far. In a way, it's sorta nice that he has never done anything before because there's nothing for him to compare with and I can just help him explore and at times, show him the ropes

 

Let's hope he's a natural!

Edited July 16, 2013 by CanCan

[sdraw108]

Can't like or agree with ANewBeginning's post to the thread enough. Don't ever make unnecessary disclosures of any aspect of your prior sexual life or activities with women until, as ANB says, you are in a committed, longterm relationship, and even then do so only with hesitance and great caution. Same applies to "feelings" or any heavy relationships topics. If they ask, deflect with humor unless there's absolutely no way out, and then only give the bare minimum to satisfy the demand. Until you have been dating a long, long time, and she is begging for a ring, the proper response to all their digging questions is almost always "nunya," just deflect with humor.

 

EDIT: This is also an excellent gauge of female attraction. If you aren't blabbing about such topics all the time, then when they start to get attached, they will start postulating things about you, your personality, trying to get some comment yea or nay out of you. Just smile and reply with "well if it makes you happy to think that, go right ahead" and know you are getting under their skin. Sorry if this seems sketchy or gamey, it's what -they-, not -us- have decided increases their attraction. If we had our way, everything from sex to relationships would be much more straightforward and direct, but that simple, truthful way just doesn't keep them interested. Watch some soap operas, to get more of a feel of what I'm talking about, or google "cat string theory."

 

I couldn't disagree more. This site needs a "dislike" button next to "like".

 

If you find yourself constantly dating girls who need to be "gamed" like this, then the issue is with your tastes in girls, not with females in general (which you implied with your use of the words "they" and "us"). Date better quality women, and you'll find that not only can you be open and honest with them, but the relationship itself will be more rewarding and fulfilling.

[dasein]

I couldn't disagree more. This site needs a "dislike" button next to "like".

 

If you find yourself constantly dating girls who need to be "gamed" like this, then the issue is with your tastes in girls, not with females in general (which you implied with your use of the words "they" and "us"). Date better quality women, and you'll find that not only can you be open and honest with them, but the relationship itself will be more rewarding and fulfilling.

 

Sorry, the blame-shifting doesn't work ("your people picker is off, so it's your fault.") NO, with a majority of average, normal, decent quality women, men are still better off avoiding heavy feelings or relationship talks until a substantial relationship with a strong foundation is in place. This takes time. The long, revealing pillow talk conversations with women relatively newly met are almost always a BAD idea for men, no matter the quality of the women involved.

 

Dozens if not hundreds of threads to this forum bear this out. Many, many threads where a female poster extrapolates, exaggerates, takes out of context, blows out of proportion something innocuous a newly met man has said in the process of long soulful "getting to know you" talks. This even extends to LTR where we see from time to time here the equivalent of "I asked my fiance whether he would rescue me or his mother from a burning building first... and... and ... he said he didn't know! I am crushed and thinking about breaking up. Please advise." or "I asked my new BF if he would still find me attractive if I weighed 300 pounds an he said no! I am crushed and going NC with this loser."

 

0 threads where women say "have been dating a guy a month and he isn't opening up about his feelings enough." Zero.

 

Guys, loose lips sink ships. Keep all early interactions with newly met women light, flirty and fun, never heavy. Disregarding this advice not only risks having what you say taken the wrong way, but also dulls the prospective growth of attraction.

 

Oh, and make sure to get your dating advice for dating women from people who do and have done lots of... dating women, not married people, parents, female friends (unless they are gay, gay women give pretty good advice about women actually). Ask the farmer how to milk a cow, not the cow. Good luck OP.

 

EDIT: Want to add there have also been MANY threads here by female posters asking, "My new BF has little sexual/relationship experience. This concerns me. Should I be concerned? or just break things off?" Whatever the answer to these threads, in most cases they signal that whatever the revelation that concerns her, its mere happening has reduced her attraction level to the man in question. OTOH, men who are light, fun, not insecurely making feelings declarations or revelations of whatever don't have these problems because they keep their mouths shut, and their new GFs aren't here needlessly pondering these kinds of things TOO EARLY ON.

Edited July 16, 2013 by dasein

[sdraw108]

I appreciate your considered response, and I can see the logic of it to an extent. The reason I still disagree though, is that it ignores what defines a "relationship" for you (or someone else). For a lot of people, having a rewarding relationship is all about being close to someone and sharing the personal details of your lives with each other.

 

So yes, if you don't share anything, you avoid certain risks and potential problems. But for some people, that means not having a good relationship by definition, so what's the point?

 

So really I think it depends what your objectives are. If you're only interested in having a "good time" with someone (not just sex, but a good time in general), then it makes sense. If you want something deeper, then by doing what you suggest you're avoiding the very thing you want, which is self defeating.

 

I wanted to come up with an analogy, so I'm going to try cars. Some people like to buy classic cars. They spend a lot of money doing so, and then the car sits in the garage because they can't bring themselves to risk it getting scratched or damaged. Others drive the car around, take risks with it, and accept the potential consequences. Who has a better / more rewarding experience with their car? Depends what the owner wants out of it.

[BeholdtheMan]

My gut says maybe I should, but my mind says it's a bad idea. Even if I do decide to tell her, when would be a good time?

NO!

 

Don't volunteer this information. Heck, make some sh*t up if you have to. I know you want to be honest to her and all that, but you sexual history is your own business and even telling her "yeah, I've had sex with 3 girls before" isn't a harmful lie. I think you should follow the guys' advice on this matter. Lack of sexual experience is usually negative for a guy.

[dasein]

I appreciate your considered response, and I can see the logic of it to an extent. The reason I still disagree though, is that it ignores what defines a "relationship" for you (or someone else). For a lot of people, having a rewarding relationship is all about being close to someone and sharing the personal details of your lives with each other.

 

So yes, if you don't share anything, you avoid certain risks and potential problems. But for some people, that means not having a good relationship by definition, so what's the point?

 

So really I think it depends what your objectives are. If you're only interested in having a "good time" with someone (not just sex, but a good time in general), then it makes sense. If you want something deeper, then by doing what you suggest you're avoiding the very thing you want, which is self defeating.

 

I wanted to come up with an analogy, so I'm going to try cars. Some people like to buy classic cars. They spend a lot of money doing so, and then the car sits in the garage because they can't bring themselves to risk it getting scratched or damaged. Others drive the car around, take risks with it, and accept the potential consequences. Who has a better / more rewarding experience with their car? Depends what the owner wants out of it.

 

I don't think we are really that far off, and still maintain that one month in is way too early to begin with the declarations. revelations of past experience or lack of it, and feelings talk. IME, some of that is OK, but only once you are prompted to it by her obvious attraction level, infatuation even, and that rarely forms in women in a month. I can't count on both hands and feet my own and friends' relationships that started off too hot and touchy feely and burnt out fast, and that is almost always a product of her becoming quickly bored with what is easy to get and losing attraction.

Edited July 17, 2013 by dasein

[sdraw108]

I don't think we are really that far off, and still maintain that one month in is way too early to begin with the declarations. revelations of past experience or lack of it, and feelings talk. IME, some of that is OK, but only once you are prompted to it by her obvious attraction level, infatuation even, and that rarely forms in women in a month.

 

Ok fair enough, so we mainly just disagree on timing then. A month may be too soon, granted, but I'd also say that this is too long:

 

Until you have been dating a long, long time, and she is begging for a ring, the proper response to all their digging questions is almost always "nunya," just deflect with humor.

[ooglesnboogles]

Tell her. If she reacts well, you've improved the relationship by being open and honest. If she reacts badly, that will tell you a lot about what kind of person she is, and you'll have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone so judgmental. But do understand that by asking her, you're taking this risk (unless you know her well enough to know that she won't mind).

 

 

I think this may have been said before, but I really like the way you phrased it

 

 

 

Interesting conversation you two had/are having about why/not to tell. Both good points, and I can see the logic behind both, but based on who I am I kind of have to side with the 'open about the past' kind of mentality. Not to say I'm just going to start spewing my life's history (brief in this topic, but nonetheless), but I feel like to have a strong relationship with a girl like this I can't be recluse. I've also been re-working my personality to be a little more open about how I'm feeling, and so far it's gotten me my first real girlfriend and I get what I want out of conversations a lot more often, so I'm kinda inclined to stick with it

On the other hand, I've definitely met girls who were fine, outstanding people, completely cool and normal, yet if their boyfriends were to say they were inexperienced, it'd just mess the whole thing up. Even just talking about feelings would mess it up. So I can see that point, too. I just don't think I can be that withheld, nor do I think I can lie that much in a relationship (just seems to lead down a bad road).

 

If it matters, I ended up telling her. We were lying in bed together and she asked very bluntly. There was no wiggle room to defer the subject, I didn't want to lie, so I just told her. And she was happy about it (and said she'd only been with 1 guy before). I kind of wish I'd told her beforehand, but I'm glad I didn't lie.

 

Thanks for the help! Feel free to keep the conversation going if you want; just cause my problem is solved doesn't mean you all aren't still throwing out good stuff

[sdraw108]

I'm glad it worked out for you. Nice to see a happy ending to one of these threads!