Does my ex regret the relationship, the breakup, or just me!?!?

[whyme76]

I chased after my ex who dumped me for 2 months finding excuses to contact him. Finally I gave up & tried to move on, though I never stopped thinking of him or loving him. I forced myself into NC for 2 months.

 

4 months later (2 months NC) I told him how I felt, that I still loved him and missed him. He said he felt the same, and was glad I reached out because he was thinking of me but wasn't sure if he should call. We ended up back together & it was wonderful again...until he had a death in his extended family & basically shut down on me. Again. He dumped me for the 2nd time. I said some mean things about how I was tired of being his doormat, and that I felt I had opened my heart to him but he had given me nothing.

 

When I apologized the next day, he said it was ok and that he deserved it. He said that he had a lot going on & had handled our whole relationship poorly. This has me so confused! Is he saying he never should have been involved with me? Or that he shouldn't have taken it out on the relationship because he was stressed? Or that he regrets breaking up?

 

Please help. I love this man, and even though he has broken my heart twice I would try again. I'm just so confused.

[Jwill1224]

I know that feeling :-( do you think it will happen again? That he will want to break up again?

[lessica]

 

When I apologized the next day, he said it was ok and that he deserved it. He said that he had a lot going on & had handled our whole relationship poorly. This has me so confused! Is he saying he never should have been involved with me? Or that he shouldn't have taken it out on the relationship because he was stressed? Or that he regrets breaking up?

 

Please help. I love this man, and even though he has broken my heart twice I would try again. I'm just so confused.

 

It is really hard to say, I can see why you are confused. Is it possible he is regretting getting back together at all?

[whyme76]

At this point anything is possible. I thought the 1st time we broke up I had made it so obvious I wanted him back. And he still said he was unsure about contacting me again & what my reaction would be. I had to flat out say 'I want you back' because he just didn't have a clue.

 

But him saying that he deserved the mean, though not intended to be so and how I really felt, makes me think he recognizes he treated me badly. Am I overthinking? During the breakup, he said that he 'is sorry, and for what its worth he didn't mean to do it' when I berated him for treating me unfairly.

 

It's heartbreaking to think he may regret our time together. I've just completed 1 week of NC after yet again contacting him weekly for the past 6 weeks since our breakup. If he has regrets, I fear he may never reach out to me since he didn't the 1st time.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm taking this so hard.

[whyme76]

I know that feeling :-( do you think it will happen again? That he will want to break up again?

 

I would be willing to take that risk. But during the final breakup conversation je said he 'would leave me alone, and wouldn't bother me anymore.' What!?! I never said he was bothering me. He knew how much I care for him. Is he afraid to hurt me again, to go thru another breakup, or does he just think I'm not worth it?

 

It's so hard when we are both obviously so confused. My fear is he is regrets even meeting me

[lessica]

If he really really wants this, I think he will come to you. Don't what around, as hard as it is, move forward.

 

I think that people pursue things that they want.

 

It might have been that you contacting him the first time and saying you want him back just gave him an option, which he reciprocated because it suited. Otherwise he would have made the decision and been tracking you down and asking you.

 

I could be wrong, but I think if people really want someone, they make it known.

[JDPT]

He is utterly confused. I've been dumped twice by the same person and trust me there won't be a third. There is so much uncertainty with him and quiet honestly you deserve more stability than that, someone who continuously dumps you simply because life throws unfortunate events doesn't really want to be with you.

[whyme76]

If he really really wants this, I think he will come to you. Don't what around, as hard as it is, move forward.

 

I think that people pursue things that they want.

 

It might have been that you contacting him the first time and saying you want him back just gave him an option, which he reciprocated because it suited. Otherwise he would have made the decision and been tracking you down and asking you.

 

I could be wrong, but I think if people really want someone, they make it known.

 

I agree - because I really wanted him back & pursued him last time. I made it known. He just seemed to scared of rejection even though he did want me back. And again I really want him in my life, and I feel like I should make it known. But given our history, sigh, I am so confused myself. He admitted to stacking pillows in bed next to him to remind him of me he just missed me that much. How can he say he loves me Wed., then do a 360 and dump me Fri? So do I just wait and see? I'm afraid he will be too scared to come back after me after I told him he had hurt me so much. But what do I do now? I feel he has insecurities that prevented him from making a move.

[lessica]

I agree - because I really wanted him back & pursued him last time. I made it known. He just seemed to scared of rejection even though he did want me back. And again I really want him in my life, and I feel like I should make it known. But given our history, sigh, I am so confused myself. He admitted to stacking pillows in bed next to him to remind him of me he just missed me that much. How can he say he loves me Wed., then do a 360 and dump me Fri? So do I just wait and see? I'm afraid he will be too scared to come back after me after I told him he had hurt me so much. But what do I do now? I feel he has insecurities that prevented him from making a move.

 

There is a chance that this guy has some kind of personality disorder. It makes sense that you are confused. If I were you I would ask myself; does this person know what they want? does he know how to love someone? does he think of me or does he think of himself? is he capable of a healthy relationship (ie working things out together)?

 

It seems almost that your confused because HE is confused. If that is the case, anything you have to do with this person is setting you up for the same thing you are going through now.

 

You have every right to tell someone they are hurting you. And yes, that might make things end, but if it does it is for the best. You shouldn't have to suffer and feel so lost, if it was a loving, balanced relationship you wouldn't.

 

I know what this feels like. Please don't 'wait and see', do your best to let go and move on. Being alone is much better than living in a state of anxiety and confusion because the other party is lost. Don't let this be your reality anymore, it will just hurt you.

[whyme76]

That really helps. After he dumped me the 1st time out of the blue I suspected he was a commitment phobe. He basically seems like a textbook case. It's sad to me because he has a fantastic personality & a good heart...and he runs whenever the unexpected happens in his life. He is 11 years younger than me and inexperienced in adult relationships. I just hoped love would be enough to make him different this time.

 

I do feel content that the 2nd time I let him know how much he had hurt me. I still don't know why I apologized the next day for being honest. I guess I didn't want to hurt him back. The 1st time we brokeup my reaction was begging & pleading basically. Which is why I couldn't understand why he would wonder if I wanted him back.

 

I appreciate everyone responding. It's really helping me to make an effort to push thru this. I am drained and empty from crying over this.

[lessica]

If it makes you feel any better, my ex is completely lost addiction problems/psychological problems/all over the show He is so warm and kind and loving and genuine and intelligent- everything I want in a mate. But bottom line is he is messed up, he is confused, he is lost. It is never going to be what I want it to be, it is never going to work, there is no point holding onto my fondness of him because we CANT make each other happy.

I believe he is 100% genuine in what he says when he says it. But that could change in a heartbeat.

 

It makes it worse when you love a person, and they don't specifically hurt you by doing anything other than being themselves. You just have to be rational, and let reality kick in.

[whyme76]

Lessica - this is how I feel about this man too. Perfect and everything I want - well except for the psychological issues it seems he may have. I have such a hard time coming to grips that this is who he probably always will be. I have to kept telling myself to put myself first and to take care of myself. It makes me feel heartless to think I have to let him go because I do love him a lot. But I am glad I got thru a week of NC, and am going to fight hard to keep NC. I honestly don't think he will ever get back in touch, because its just easier to start a clean slate with someone new than have to rehash our history. I feel pathetic that I worry I'll never find as good a guy as him again, when in reality he broke my heart 2x. So how good is he really?

[lessica]

I feel pathetic for feeling that I wont find anyone else or love anyone else too. If you read all of these posts on these boards though, you will see the same. That is why it hurts so much for everyone. But it just isn't true that you won't feel the same if not stronger about someone else in the future. It is just hard to see right now.

 

Hang in there, you can do this, it is worth finding at least some contentment in life. And loving, and wanting someone who you cant be happy with will steal all the little things you have to be happy about.

 

It will get better, you just have to hang in there.

[xilver]

I chased after my ex who dumped me for 2 months finding excuses to contact him. Finally I gave up & tried to move on, though I never stopped thinking of him or loving him. I forced myself into NC for 2 months.

 

4 months later (2 months NC) I told him how I felt, that I still loved him and missed him. He said he felt the same, and was glad I reached out because he was thinking of me but wasn't sure if he should call. We ended up back together & it was wonderful again...until he had a death in his extended family & basically shut down on me. Again. He dumped me for the 2nd time. I said some mean things about how I was tired of being his doormat, and that I felt I had opened my heart to him but he had given me nothing.

 

When I apologized the next day, he said it was ok and that he deserved it. He said that he had a lot going on & had handled our whole relationship poorly. This has me so confused! Is he saying he never should have been involved with me? Or that he shouldn't have taken it out on the relationship because he was stressed? Or that he regrets breaking up?

 

Please help. I love this man, and even though he has broken my heart twice I would try again. I'm just so confused.

 

I can see myself being that guy. It comes down to why did he leave in the first place? I'm sure he does love you after all he did say it after all that time but just because of that doesn't mean he will contact you. It could be something you are doing that is hurting him. Maybe he knows he can't change and doesn't want to ask you to change or doesn't know how. I bet he thinks about you just as much as him. It sounds like he regrets the way he treats you and the relationship but doesn't know how to fix or that he doesn't have the strength to.

[whyme76]

I can see myself being that guy. It comes down to why did he leave in the first place? I'm sure he does love you after all he did say it after all that time but just because of that doesn't mean he will contact you. It could be something you are doing that is hurting him. Maybe he knows he can't change and doesn't want to ask you to change or doesn't know how. I bet he thinks about you just as much as him. It sounds like he regrets the way he treats you and the relationship but doesn't know how to fix or that he doesn't have the strength to.

 

The 1st time he left he said he was feeling claustrophobic & trapped. It was odd, since he had a habit of stopping by on daily basis to see me at my house (I worked from home so odds were I was there). There were times I would go out & he would be waiting in my driveway for me as a surprise. He would stay at my house for days at a time, even though he lived a .5 mile away.

 

The 2nd time we got back together, we talked about taking it slow & starting fresh. But I saw the same pattern emerge, he would stay at my house for 5 days straight. He had a new puppy so I assumed he just needed my help with house training, and I was working outside of my house at this time but could stop home at lunch to let the dog out. He stayed at my house for 5 days straight twice within a 2 week period - and I started to feel him getting distant. Then his stepmother died the next week (she was not his mother's current partner, but I think she was a big part of his childhood). During that week he dropped off the face of the earth and then decided "let's just call it quits."

 

The 1st time I never said anything about him causing his own claustrophobia. The 2nd time I told him I didn't want to hear again about claustrophobia because it was his own doing by constantly coming by unannounced - though he didn't say that was the problem I suspected it was. I also told him to google commitment phobe & fear of intimacy because he was a textbook case. I was really angry and reacted immaturely, I wish I could take that part back.

 

I'm just stuck on why he would say 'I won't bother you again." and then the next day when he responded to my phone call to apologize started the text "I'm sorry to bother you." I never said he was a bother, nor did i say I wanted him out of my life forever. Maybe it was his way of telling me not to ever bother him again since I was the one who initially reached out to him?

[xilver]

People do get confused sometimes and feel trapped. I know I would stay with my gf for days and didn’t want to leave. Part because I enjoyed my time with her and part because I thought she would feel I was cheating on her if I told her I was leaving to go do something that didn’t involve her. That was our issue but maybe there is an issue there between the two of you? A guy won’t stay at a girls’ house for 5 days if he doesn’t like her. No amount of sex is worth that and he has his own place to live. If he was close to his stepmom it makes sense that he would close up. People handle things in their own way and I know I would want my gf close to me if something like that happened but maybe he didn’t want you to see him like that. Maybe he didn’t want to burden you with his agony. Nobody is perfect and he sounds like he does have some issues with communication and intimacy. I think he understands how much you care about him and he doesn’t want to hurt you. He can tell by you reaching out to him that you do. I think that is what he means by not bothering you because he expects you to be getting on with your own business and by him contacting you will just set you back.

[whyme76]

That makes a lot of sense - he has a history with an ex-gf who constantly cheated on him as well. Even when he was staying at my house for 10 out of 14 days, I never got the feeling it was about sex. Actually my sex drive is significantly higher then his.

 

I am backing away to give him space and have been in NC for a week now - we have been broken up for 7 weeks. Do you think he will ever come around, regret losing me and his actions - or has he completely given up hope?

 

I am not holding out hope and waiting for him, but it just hurts to think I was thrown away so quickly & easily. It's hard not to take it personally, and let it effect my already low esteem. I wonder what is going thru his head?

[xilver]

I doubt he has given up hope that quickly. He just sounds like he has some issues with showing his love for you. He might come around if he can figure it out but who knows when that will be and you might have already moved on. I have let girls I loved go because I could see that I wasn’t making them happy. By not contacting him you are sparking a whole range of things in his head. When someone I loved stops contacting me it hurts even if I was the one that initiated it. If the reason I left was because something she was doing then I would hope one day she’d change and contact me, but typically I don’t look back no matter how much it hurts. If it was something I did or in this case he did then he has to be the one to realize it and fix it. If he doesn’t then it is on him. As much time as he spent with you he has to be thinking about you a lot.

[whyme76]

I would agree - I think only when I stopped contacting him last time did it really sink in that he may be losing me. That's what is pushing me into NC, to try and get him to realize I'm not going to chase after him again. If I ever do hear from him again, I don't expect it to be for months until he got the nerve up - especially since after this last breakup I didn't go crying & pleading after him, but got angry instead.

 

During the 4 months time we were apart, he did not date anyone else. I don't know if he couldn't be bothered to find someone else out of sheer laziness, hadn't moved on, or just wanted to be alone. I dated someone briefly around the 3 month apart mark. When we got back together and we talked about what we had been doing during our time apart, he seemed very surprised, even shocked I had dated someone else - even though it didn't work out. I guess he thought I was sitting around pining away for him? So now I don't know if he thinks it's so easy for me to move on because it seemed like I possibly had the 1st time? I never told him it didn't work out with the other guy because I kept comparing new guy to him and he didn't measure up.

[xilver]

I'm sure that is one of the things he will be thinking about now. Wondering if you've started dating yet or when you will. It could either bring him back to you because the jealousy is too much to handle or help it could help him get over you. He brought that on himself though.

[whyme76]

We are not friends on FB - but a mutual friend saw that he had posted Ha! in response to "Your life will be better when you stop chasing someone who doesn't care." I can interpret this as he does not care about me and he is saying I need to stop chasing, or the opposite he thinks I don't care about him and he needs to stop chasing me. Either way, he is obviously confused about feelings for me I guess.