From feeling like dying to crap

[Jwill1224]

Where do i start?!! A week ago my bf of 6 years with whom I have a baby with was busted cheating a couple of weeks ago, he said he wanted a break but no real explanation. Up until last Sunday, we were still intimate but I felt something was different. We don't live together so I really wasn't able to find out what was going on. Last Saturday night, i impulsively took his phone. I found numerous texts back and forth between him and this female and calls even while he was with me. There was a major blow up on Monday when I finally gave his phone back. I talked to the female who was more than happy to let me know that thy had been together for 2-3 months, he gave her $600 ( doesn't hardly give me anything for our child) takes her everywhere, etc. i was literally sick and devastated for days, couldn't sleep or eat. I am 32yr old mother of four and I could not even get out of bed :-( I work a full time job and attend school and I cant afford mentally to go through this heartache :-( the female in question is a Caucasian woman and I am African American. I know this shouldn't matter but it does :-( but I'm sure i would be just as pissed if she was African American. I have went through every emotion possible this week. I started off uncontrollable bawling to now I'm just angry as hell! I texted him and called him early last week expressing all my hurt and begging for an apology. What I got was weak....after 6 years :-( i feel like I'm going crazy! Friday, ended with me having a fight (yes a fight smh) with the girl involved. It was like I snapped. So out of character for me. I know she is not the one that I'm really mad at but......I changed my phone number, blocked him on FB, trying to cut off all communication. I have since resorted to angry threatening texts through a text app that he has replied to with laughter. This is all a joke to him and that hurts so bad. 6 years and of 5 of them he was unemployed and I helped support him. I feel so stupid! And now that all our friends(which are many because I have known him since I was 18)know, it is coming out that he has been doing this for awhile with other women smh. Prob for the past 3 years. Honestly, i have known for awhile that he was not the one but I let my heart grow anyway :-( how in the hell can i move past this?!!!! :-( Why would he do this? My career is taking off, I have a very good job, will have my degree next year...I'm a woman on the rise.....why wouldn't he want me? I want him to hurt like I am so filed for child support but I don't want him to see our child :-( i know keeping her from him is wrong but i want him to hurt. I know I have to watch myself now because we will go to court but i feel so out of sorts. What really makes me so angry is that I spent 6 years with someone who was lazy, opposite of me in most things, and no real potential. But my heart grew bcuz he had a good heart....i feel just sick now. I want to hurt him and now I'm stuck on revenge :-( I'm vowing today to not contact him i don't know how long it will last....i feel so stupid and weak :-(

[lessica]

I am sorry, that sounds really tough.

 

All I can say is ride it out... ride out the waves of anger, resentment, love etc etc. Eventually you will be able to look at this without being ruled by emotion. As the hurt starts fading, things will balance out. You need to count yourself lucky to have found out this persons true colors while you still have a big future ahead of you.

 

I believe in this case, no contact is necessary until you can be at least somewhat indifferent about him.

 

Having patience with yourself is an excellent trait to learn, and this will help you learn it. Hang in there, and sorry again.

[Jwill1224]

Thanks lessica.....everyone keeps telling me this was a blessing in disguise and my brain recognizes that but my heart still doesnt

[Nicoleiia]

Black men bend over backwards for white girls..smh. No offense to white women, all women deserve the best, but in the black community black men have a habit of devaluing their own women. The best thing you can do is get rid of him and initiate LC since you guys have a child together. Hopefully, he will be wiped out clean from the child support. Your career is looking up anyways, focus on that and move on. He's a dumbf*ck that isn't worth your time anymore!

[Jwill1224]

That's what hurts so bad too :-( why do me so dirty for her?? And she has 3 kids, not working smh....its crazy....he even had the nerve to say to me if you put me on child support he wont have any money and be working for nothing. Of course my response was : were you worried about that when you gave her $600?? Smh....my main issue right now is stopping the urge to contact him....ughh

[lessica]

Just don't forget the hurt WILL FADE! I know it is so hard, I was in the supermarket yesterday, everything fine, then suddenly I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It was a challenge to just finish the shopping.

 

Then last night I dream about him all night, in the dream he was cheating on me. And I was powerless. It is so tough. We have no control over our emotions at first, but then we start to control them. I promise you, you will feel better.

[Jwill1224]

You're right.....i feel like time is my worst enemy because I want to speed past the pain....just thinking about them together intimately (why i do this idk) makes my chest hurt so bad

[Nicoleiia]

That's what hurts so bad too :-( why do me so dirty for her?? And she has 3 kids, not working smh....its crazy....he even had the nerve to say to me if you put me on child support he wont have any money and be working for nothing. Of course my response was : were you worried about that when you gave her $600?? Smh....my main issue right now is stopping the urge to contact him....ughh

 

Don't contact him!! You are going to feel so much better down the line if you maintain NC. Trust me, I've been there. It will hit him like a ton a bricks when you STOP talking to him. He thinks this sh*t is a joke. It's not a joke. Cussing him out will only give him fuel, but silence will have him scratching his head. Im personally tired of these brothers doing this. You need to leave his triflin a$$ where he is and erase him from your life the best you can. I know its hard, but not impossible.

[Jwill1224]

You right!! I got to be strong...because this was so humiliating, so disrespectful, so freaking hurtful. Im a good woman you know? Smh

 

I may need to send you a message nicoleila if i start feeling stupid and weak....lbs

[Nicoleiia]

You right!! I got to be strong...because this was so humiliating, so disrespectful, so freaking hurtful. Im a good woman you know? Smh

 

I may need to send you a message nicoleila if i start feeling stupid and weak....lbs

 

Yes, feel free to talk to me if you feel like you're gonna buckle. This is gonna be a bumpy road, especially due to the child, but down the line I bet money he will regret this and him and "Becky" will fall apart. You just have to do your part and that is NOT to contact him and to keep on keepin on with your work and education. We will all get through this together.

[ja123]

His behaviour has nothing to do with your worth as a human being or as a woman. His behaviour is despicable and you deserve better. Cry as much as you need to. Post here. Get your anger out. But don't hope/expect he will say he's sorry. Think of him as a drug addict. He has to get his fix for his ego or whatever. I hope you can go NC, or as much as possible (seeing as you share a child together.)

 

Stay strong. Good for you with your job and your studies. Concentrate on things that are positive in your life.

 

This will take some time to heal from; but, you're going to make it!

[Jwill1224]

I appreciate it so much ive been feeling so alone in this :-/

[Jwill1224]

Thank you Ja123 i have taken it so personal it has made feel so bad about myself :-(

[Nicoleiia]

Everyone on this website has gone through this OR is going through this. Betrayal is very painful and it will take time to heal, that is why NC is so important. Don't let him see you upset. Don't give him any kind of recognition. Just move on and do u!

[Sneaky]

I don't have tons of advice and I may not even be the best person to offer any but I wanted to say that I'm sorry that this happened to you. This person is clearly rotten inside. It is good that you realize that you're better off without him and I hope your heart will catch up to this.

 

Like I said, I don't know tons, but I know it takes time and gets better when you keep contact to a minimum. Also don't feel guilty for a second about claiming child support. He betrayed and deceived you in a horrifying way, he does not get to complain. I hope you stay strong.

[colgirl]

Hi JWill,

I totally understand how you must be feeling. My husband left me last week and I'm so very sad and 'lost'. If you ever want to pm me I'll give you the full story, but I so understand all the feelings you're going through - sometimes I feel that I may be going a bit mental! I can be ok one moment and then a black gloom seems to come over me and I just feel so sad and depressed. Other times I feel so angry that I want to kill him! To me, this man doesn't sound at all worthy of you at all. In time you'll be able to look back and think of him with no emotion apart from maybe thinking how lucky you were that he's not in your life any more. He doesn't sound as if he has any integrity about him if he can do what he did. Trust me, you won't be the last woman he cheats on. Right now you're raw and wounded - of course your feelings are all over the place, like mine are - but I know that through good support by sharing your feelings on sites like this that we'll both get through this Hell. Take care.

[Exitleft]

Thank you Ja123 i have taken it so personal it has made feel so bad about myself :-(

 

I wish I could give you a hug, I feel your pain his actions are absolutely not a reflection of who you are or what kind of woman you are. They are a reflection of his own character, ok? I am so sorry. This hurts, I know. I hope you will come around and realize keeping his daughter from him might end up hurting her more than it hurts him. Do go NC for the meantime, I'm sure he'll be in touch sooner than later, I hope you will find the strength you need. Pray, ask others to pray with and for you, if you pray. Otherwise we all are here for you. Best wishes!