I just can't move on, when my (ex-)girlfriend already did

[Paddes16]

WARNING: This text has over 3000 words and over 16.000 characters. If you're not seriously willing to help me, that's totally fine. I split the text so that you're able to skip parts that you might not be interested in. I'm writing this part right here after writing all of the things below, so you might read something twice. Thanks, though, for even clicking on this thread.

Disclaimer/Prologue

Hi, my name's Phil. I'm 16 years old and I'm from Germany. I'm here because I seriously need some help with my current situation. If you're willing to help me, go on. Do me a favour and please do not go on if you're not willing to help me. I'm not trying to be rude, but I need help from people that care about my situation.

 

I'm going to divide this thread in separate parts, so you're able to browse it easier while replying and thinking something along the lines of: "Wait, what did he say/think about this and that again?". It also gives you the opportunity to skip certain parts that you might not want to know about, or that don't interest you.

 

Thank you in advance.

 

About myself

As stated above already, I'm from Germany and I am 16 years old. I'm usually very confident and I don't care about what people think about me, except someone's really close to me; then I do care, a lot. I always try to keep a distance to girls I don't know, due to bad experiences in the past. I'm not interested in girls that much, because I never "needed" them in my life. If you saw me in real life, you'd be likely to call me a d*ck, just because I often don't care about stuff I do or say.

 

Although, my behaviour changed recently. I've gained two more or less good female friends, one of them being my ex-girlfriend, Sophie. She's not the girl I'm breaking my head over at the moment. I was in a relationship with Sophie for 6 months, but that was years ago.

 

I'm also extremely jealous and I can be very controlling.

 

About my (ex-)girlfriend

The girl this thread is about is called Rosey. She's a few months older than me and lives in England. She's very dominant and smart. She's extremely honest and claims that she never lies, at least not to me, she says. In my opinion she has an excuse for everything and rarely admits mistakes. Neither does she realise them, really. She's quite tall and relatively skinny and lives very healthy (she's vegan). She cares a lot about people's personalities and doesn't care as much about looks. She's very warm-hearted, unlike me.

 

She's also extremely jealous of my ex-girlfriend Sophie.

 

About our relationship

You CAN skip this, but it's better if you don't skip it. If you decide to skip this part, which has about 2000 words or so, continue to read the "Current situation" part.

 

For about two years, we were in a long distance relationship. We met on June 12th, 2011. A mutual friend of us, Maurice, who's also from Germany, got us together in a Skype call. We were three boys, including him, me and a different friend of mine, called Lars. Maurice then invited her into the call. When she joined I was very stunned, because she had a gorgeous-looking picture on her Skype. She has very nice, big grey-blue-greenish eyes. Since I was the one speaking English the best, I was pretty much the only one talking to her. My English was extremely bad, though.

 

After the call was shut down, I had to add her. I just had to. My first sentence was: "You're hot :D". I know, not very creative or nice, but I was 14, so please forgive me.

 

Eitherway, we got along really good and pretty quick. We talked almost daily, about almost anything. We were really open. Back in the days I was very chubby, therefore very insecure about myself, especially my body. She asked for a photo but I somehow always had an excuse not to send one. I was too afraid she wouldn't like me. She kept talking about boys at her school liking her and she also showed me pictures that boys sent to her. Often they were topless and very skinny, the type of boy she likes. Of course, this made me even more insecure.

 

Then, a few weeks after that, I had summer holidays. I was never into parties or anything, nor did I do much with friends. So I basically spent my whole holidays with doing nothing, except playing Minecraft. I sometimes played through the whole night, then I slept throughout the day, waking up at around 4PM-6PM. I didn't eat much, not to say nothing, due to the fact that I was playing and hanging around my computer so much.

 

I started to see some "results" after roughly three or four weeks. My belly started to become less chubby and my pants started to become too big. I couldn't believe it. I (sadly) soon realised, that this was the result of not eating anything, so I started to do it on purpose. As an excuse for my mum I said that I'm not feeling good, or that I already ate something in my room and she just didn't see it. It worked out, and I got thinner and thinner, while at the same time I was also rapidly growing. I got really skinny but my stamina and health in general was really bad; but I was happy. I was happy that I was finally "more like the other boys". I had hopes of Rosey finally liking me. I started to send her pictures of me. The response was good, so I continued to do so. I also started to do Thai-Boxing, or Muay-Thai. It's basically Kickboxing, only that you're also allowed to use your knees and elbows. A really hard sport that got me back on track over the time.

 

I started to see muscles, so I took photos of it, being in a weird position, so that you could see my muscles. I sent them to Rosey, and she liked it. That really boosted up my confidence. I kept telling her that I love her. I also called her "baby" or said that she's "my girl" more often. She never said anything against it, so I didn't stop.

 

She became my girlfriend sooner or later. I didn't really ask her out, we just determined that we're a couple. There were a lot of boys that had something against it, though.

 

The most important names of boys that almost got us torn apart were:

"Jamie", "Jaack", "Thijs", "Dan" and another boy called "Jack".

 

You'll hear more about Thijs and Jack, should you decide to go on.

 

She once went to Greece with her mum. This is when she met Thijs, a boy/man from Holland, who was also on holidays in Greece.

 

Rosey didn't have the opportunity to talk to me very often, due to lack of internet there. She had to almost "travel" to get to a Internet Café, in order to be able to talk to me. She told me about Thijs and told me that they'd have dinner together with Thijs' father and Rosey's mother. I wasn't the happiest boy, but I also didn't say anything.

 

One or two days after that, she messaged me again. She was acting so weirdly, as if something horrible happened. She said that Thijs is a huge c**t and she was so angry at him, but at the same time she seemed upset, as if he betrayed her. I didn't understand what was wrong, because I didn't understand how a stranger could've upset her that bad.

 

Eitherway, I talked to her, but she didn't want to tell me much about the incident. All she told me was that he somehow touched her legs under the table whilst they had dinner, and that she didn't like it and pulled her leg away. She also told me that he looked at her all the time, but she said she didn't like this as well and it "creeped her out". After a few weeks she moved on, so I just did as well.

 

Again, we had a lot of ups and downs, but I'd like to not get into details here, as it's not really important.

 

Then, she had a period of time which I tend to call the "Xbox time". Basically, she was a lot into gaming and was a lot on Xbox. I was against it, badly. Mainly because Xbox was the reason I was such a low-life before. Xbox was the reason I got so chubby in the first place, because it kept me from going out with friends and basically having a proper social life.

 

At first, I wanted to give her advice and asked her kindly to respect my wish to not play Xbox too much, due to the bad experiences I had with it. She told me she wouldn't get addicted, like I did, and that she could remain control over herself. "Meh" I thought to myself. I didn't want to upset her, so I just went along with it.

 

Sadly, she couldn't control herself, at least this is what I thought/think. She was on Xbox almost all the time. She sometimes ditched me for playing Halo with her "friends" on Xbox. This is where she met Jack also known as "Sharpster96". He and his friends, all of them being about the same age as she was, talked to her all the time. They went into Xbox Live Parties all the time. In an Xbox Live Party you can basically chat my voice while playing games, that's all.

 

At first I didn't mind it that much, because she ensured me that they're just friends and what not. Sadly, I had to find out soon after, that they were more than "just friends". She had made an account on kik, so she could talk to Jack and some of his friends. There they exchanged photos. I had a suspicion going on in the past, so I got into her E-Mail account and reset her kik password, in order to find out about what they are chatting. Since kik didn't/doesn't save chat histories, I couldn't check them, but I saw who she was talking to.

 

I went ahead and asked her about it. She got furious that I got into her account without asking and we had a huge argument. She also ignored me and didn't talk to me. She was spending a lot of time on Xbox, I assume again with Jack and his friends.

 

A few days after the argument we sorted it out and I explained my point of view. She quickly understood it and apologised for reacting so bad. She also admitted that she had "accidently" sent him a photo where her underwear was showing, because she allegedly wanted to show him "her tanline". I was more than mad. I cut off contact for a day or two and just had to gather back my mind. I couldn't believe she did this. I felt so betrayed.

 

Looking back, I think I made a mistake forgiving her in the past. But I did, and I cannot change it now.

 

After that we had lots and lots of arguments. We broke up several times and got back together again. We had days of no contact, or even weeks. But we always got back together. Always.

 

I got really controlling and more and more jealous, mainly due to the fact of her stopping to complement me and making me feel like her boy, something she did in the past, when we were a really good couple.

 

We then had a really bad argument and she broke up. She cut off almost all ways of communication, except WhatsApp messages. She blocked me everywhere, leaving me only this to talk to her. But, she told me to leave her alone, otherwise she'd block me on there as well. I didn't want my last way to talk to her removed as well, so I stopped talking to her.

 

Luckily, she initiated, and again, we sorted stuff out. She told me she didn't want me back anymore. I was so down and cried like a little baby. I called her, crying, telling her that my situation at home was really bad and that I need her, which at the time I actually, really did. I told her to never listen to promises again, because I kept telling her in the past I'd change my jealous and controlling behaviour, but I never did. Instead, I told her, she should only look at my actions. I told her I wouldn't disappoint her. I explained to her, that all I need is a little motivation, a compliment here and there, something that makes me feel loved.

 

She agreed to this, and we were a really, really good couple for a few days. Then, after a tiny little argument she suddenly started to stop that attitude again. She stopped complimenting me and was really cold. I asked if something was wrong, but she said everything was all right. I didn't believe it, and soon lost motivation to change my behaviour. I asked if she could complement me again, even if it's only a small "Thank you for being so nice" or so. She told me to motivate myself.

 

This behaviour shocked me, and like I said, it de-motivated me, and I got back to being "the old Phil". We then eventually had another argument, after which she ignored me. This time, she was the one responsible for this argument, but of course she didn't admit this. I asked her to apologise, but she didn't. That's when I ignored her for a day.

 

She then messaged me, acting like everything's okay again. I let her know that I was still annoyed, though, and that I was disappointed in her. She got really angry and blamed everything on me. She said she was really unhappy with me and she threatened to break up.

 

Few days later, I was out with my best mate. She messaged me, and I knew she wanted to sort everything out again. We eventually would've sorted it out, if she didn't ask this one question:

"By the way, why did you add back Sophie on facebook?"

 

I told her that I did when we broke up - a huuuge mistake. She started to get furious. She insulted me like crazy, said I'm a c**t, a m**********r, that I make her feel sick and that she doesn't want me back, ever again. She told me that she hates me and that she's so unhappy with me. She literally went ham for like five minutes straight.

 

I was so surprised, because I didn't know what was going on. I didn't and still don't know, what's so bad about adding my ex-girlfriend when my current girlfriend breaks up with me. I was never allowed to add her on facebook when I was in a relationship with Rosey, so I did it when I was single, where's the problem?

 

She claims that the simple act of adding my ex-girlfriend back was disgusting. She claimed I did it to get closer to Sophie, when this was seriously not my intention. I just did it because I was allowed, not to get closer to her. I didn't even talk to Sophie...

 

Current situation

If you read the essay above, you can freely skip this part:

Few days later, after the argument with Rosey, I was out with my best mate. Rosey messaged me, and I knew she wanted to sort everything out again. We eventually would've sorted it out, if she didn't ask this one question:

"By the way, why did you add back Sophie on facebook?"

 

I told her that I did when me and Rosey broke up - a huuuge mistake. She started to get furious. She insulted me like crazy, said I'm a c**t, a m**********r, that I make her feel sick and that she doesn't want me back, ever again. She told me that she hates me and that she's so unhappy with me. She literally went ham for like five minutes straight.

 

I was so surprised, because I didn't know what was going on. I didn't and still don't know, what's so bad about adding Sophie back when my current girlfriend breaks up with me. I was never allowed to add her on facebook when I was in a relationship with Rosey, so I did it when I was single, where's the problem?

 

She claims that the simple act of adding my ex-girlfriend back was disgusting. She claimed I did it to get closer to Sophie, when this was seriously not my intention. I just did it because I was allowed, not to get closer to her. I didn't even talk to Sophie...

 

The reason I'm in need of help right now

It seems like Rosey moved on already. She probably did weeks or months ago, due to my bad behaviour towards her. I still love her a lot, more than anyone in the whole world and I could never ever imagine my life without her.

 

But I realise that she's ready to move on without me, and I don't want to be left behind. She asked me to stay friends a few hours ago. I googled "My ex girlfriend wants to stay friends with me" and saw a thread on here, where everyone advised the boy to not stay friends with his ex girlfriend.

 

And I think this as well. I told her that I can't do it, that I'm not capable of being "just a friend". I couldn't see her having a boyfriend, nor could I live with the fact that I'm not the one taking her virginity. I also planned to lose my virginity to her, which also bothers me now. It means so much to me.

 

I don't want a different girl, especially no girl that's no virgin anymore. I'd like to lose my virginity to a virgin, I don't know why.

 

Eitherway, after telling Rosey that I cannot be her friend, she told me that she only said it to be kind and that the only solution for her is to "be nothing, then."

I want to cut off contact completely, to prove her that I can live without her. I want to enjoy myself, now that I have summer holidays again. I want to have fun and get over her, because she already got over me.

 

But something's holding me back, but what the heck is it? I don't get it...

 

If you're still reading this, you're a true hero. I'm more than thankful that you went through all of this, just to help me out. I can't thank you enough and I would love to return the favour if you decide to help. Thank you!

 

Thanks a lot in advance for any advice and sorry for this essay.

[Eivuwan]

Hi, I am not sure how we can help you except by giving the general advice of focusing on yourself, bettering yourself, and No Contact. Both you and your ex are young and have a lot to learn about life, how to treat people etc. This entire relationship sounds immature on both sides and that's typical for teenage relationships.

[Paddes16]

First of all, thanks a lot for the response. And yeah, I totally agree with you.

 

All I need is some advice on how to go for the NC. I'm like so ready for it, but I don't want to cut it off just like that. Is there anything I should/could tell her before?

 

I feel like now's the best time. I have no school, five weeks left of my holidays and just lots of time to get busy, have fun. Considering the fact that she's in a different country it should be even easier for me, or not?

[Eivuwan]

What is the point of telling her except to hope for some sort of reaction? This is going to be hard, but you should delete/block her from every sort of contact method you have such as facebook, cellphone, etc. This is hard for adults to do but even harder for teenagers. I know that when I was a teen I had such intense emotions that seemed out of my control. Best thing you can do is to do NC and then find things that you like to do to distract yourself. Improve your social circle and then she wouldn't seem so important. Talk to us instead of her when you feel like talking to her.

[Paddes16]

What is the point of telling her except to hope for some sort of reaction? This is going to be hard, but you should delete/block her from every sort of contact method you have such as facebook, cellphone, etc. This is hard for adults to do but even harder for teenagers. I know that when I was a teen I had such intense emotions that seemed out of my control. Best thing you can do is to do NC and then find things that you like to do to distract yourself. Improve your social circle and then she wouldn't seem so important. Talk to us instead of her when you feel like talking to her.

 

Yeah, I'm planning to do exactly this, but should I seriously just cut off contact - just like that? Without saying anything?

I can already tell that I care too much about her. This is not going to stop me from doing NC, but still. She told me something an hour ago and probably expects a reply, should I not care about this?

 

I'm thinking about telling her that I respect her decision to either be friends or nothing at all and that I'm going to go for the "nothing at all" option, because I can't be friends with her.

I read on here that telling your ex about the NC stuff is a bad decision and that you shouldn't do it, so I'm not going to do it.

 

Thing is, that I know that it'll eat her up when I'm just going to cut off contact - just like that. But I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily...

[Eivuwan]

I think the reason why people advocate not telling your ex that you're going to start NC is because it's hard to do NC if they're begging you to stay friends or something. If you can stick to your decision no matter what she says then sure, go ahead and tell her your last words. But are you really able to stick to NC if she says something that makes you want to stay friends? She has another person in her life. I think it's ok to think of yourself first. You are concerned about hurting her feelings but tbh what's the worse that can happen to her if you suddenly disappear from her life?

[Paddes16]

I think the reason why people advocate not telling your ex that you're going to start NC is because it's hard to do NC if they're begging you to stay friends or something. If you can stick to your decision no matter what she says then sure, go ahead and tell her your last words. But are you really able to stick to NC if she says something that makes you want to stay friends? She has another person in her life. I think it's ok to think of yourself first. You are concerned about hurting her feelings but tbh what's the worse that can happen to her if you suddenly disappear from her life?

 

Well, I don't want to be friends at all. And I'd rather be nothing to her than a friend. Especially when she only wants to be friends so I don't get hurt too much. That's basically her admitting that she's going to get over me while I'm thinking of getting her back, because we're still friends, or not?

 

Eitherway, going to tell her my last words tomorrow and then just go full NC. It's 2 AM for her now and 3 AM for me, so I'm going to sleep now.

 

Thanks for all the replies, much appreciated!

[StrongLass]

should I seriously just cut off contact - just like that? Without saying anything?

 

Yup. Saying something isn't going to help.

 

I can already tell that I care too much about her. This is not going to stop me from doing NC, but still. She told me something an hour ago and probably expects a reply, should I not care about this?

 

It's not that you shouldn't care (it's obvious you do) but that you need to act like you don't. Fake it till you make it, you know?

 

I'm thinking about telling her that I respect her decision to either be friends or nothing at all and that I'm going to go for the "nothing at all" option, because I can't be friends with her.

 

You could do that, but keep in mind she may react...BADLY to say the least.

 

I read on here that telling your ex about the NC stuff is a bad decision and that you shouldn't do it, so I'm not going to do it.

 

Good.

 

Thing is, that I know that it'll eat her up when I'm just going to cut off contact - just like that. But I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily...

 

This IS necessary- FOR YOU to heal. What will/won't hurt her is sadly out of your control now. The hurt WILL pass for both of you with time.