Saying goodbye

[fanine]

I told my MM of 18 months last night that I cannot see him anymore.

 

I am being strong. I guess like many people here, they have tried this several times. When we met he claimed he was separated. I believed him - and only found out 6 months down the line his wife had moved back in. But by then my feelings had developed and however hard I tried, I could not stay away.

 

He does feel like my soulmate. We do get on so well, but I know this is a crazy situation.

 

What I find hard though is his reaction to my decision. He has often told me I deserve better, that the situation is not fair on me etc etc. More and more frequently I have got upset over the situation, and the fact there can be no future with it, and I have let him know when I get upset. We have broken up a couple of times (things he would always bring up, claiming it was all my fault of course)

 

Earlier this week I got upset after we had had a lovely night together. I felt so stupid to get upset, yet the fact it had been great made me feel even more depressed about the situation. He has had less and less time to spare with me - something I have really noticed, as he does have small kids.

 

Whenever I said this was all too hard, he said I had to accept this, that plenty of people survive like this, and we should just make the most of what we have (selfish eh? He has the best of both worlds and I should be content with the crumbs. Yet he would completely panic if he though I was out drinking and might meet other guys etc)

 

So I finally said, in as caring and straight way as possible that I could not do this anymore. If he was single the situation would be different. I said I did not want us to be on bad terms, but I had to think of my future.

 

His reply was just yes, this is all too dramatic, I want it over and done with. That was it.

 

That is what hurts so much. To reply like that? I am in an impossible situation. I did say I love him very much but I understand he cannot give me what I want. But he acted so cold. Like it didn't bother him, like it was a business contract. He just acted like he was pissed.

 

That crushes me. If he could have said, yes I do care but I do understand and respect your decision, I would feel so much better.

 

Can anyone help me why he is being like this? I definitely do not want to go back to the old ways, the feeling lonely, the cancelled nights together, the unanswered calls. But I need to heal and somehow understand.

 

Was I totally fooled? It was not just sex, we had such a connection, we did so much together, we shared so many interests.

 

Why cannot he understand? He is the one staying with a wife - he claims he is only doing it for the kids - I have seen no-one else.

 

Was I just supposed to be a doll in a box to take out and play with when he felt like it?

 

I hate it he feels pissed with me, calls me a drama queen, and cannot understand.

[zevahc]

I told my MM of 18 months last night that I cannot see him anymore.

 

I am being strong. I guess like many people here, they have tried this several times. When we met he claimed he was separated. I believed him - and only found out 6 months down the line his wife had moved back in. But by then my feelings had developed and however hard I tried, I could not stay away.

 

He does feel like my soulmate. We do get on so well, but I know this is a crazy situation.

 

What I find hard though is his reaction to my decision. He has often told me I deserve better, that the situation is not fair on me etc etc. More and more frequently I have got upset over the situation, and the fact there can be no future with it, and I have let him know when I get upset. We have broken up a couple of times (things he would always bring up, claiming it was all my fault of course)

 

Earlier this week I got upset after we had had a lovely night together. I felt so stupid to get upset, yet the fact it had been great made me feel even more depressed about the situation. He has had less and less time to spare with me - something I have really noticed, as he does have small kids.

 

Whenever I said this was all too hard, he said I had to accept this, that plenty of people survive like this, and we should just make the most of what we have (selfish eh? He has the best of both worlds and I should be content with the crumbs. Yet he would completely panic if he though I was out drinking and might meet other guys etc)

 

So I finally said, in as caring and straight way as possible that I could not do this anymore. If he was single the situation would be different. I said I did not want us to be on bad terms, but I had to think of my future.

 

His reply was just yes, this is all too dramatic, I want it over and done with. That was it.

 

That is what hurts so much. To reply like that? I am in an impossible situation. I did say I love him very much but I understand he cannot give me what I want. But he acted so cold. Like it didn't bother him, like it was a business contract. He just acted like he was pissed.

 

That crushes me. If he could have said, yes I do care but I do understand and respect your decision, I would feel so much better.

 

Can anyone help me why he is being like this? I definitely do not want to go back to the old ways, the feeling lonely, the cancelled nights together, the unanswered calls. But I need to heal and somehow understand.

 

Was I totally fooled? It was not just sex, we had such a connection, we did so much together, we shared so many interests.

 

Why cannot he understand? He is the one staying with a wife - he claims he is only doing it for the kids - I have seen no-one else.

 

Was I just supposed to be a doll in a box to take out and play with when he felt like it?

 

I hate it he feels pissed with me, calls me a drama queen, and cannot understand.

 

These things are dramatic. I'm an OM and I've felt often like a "drama queen". It's hard to control emotions when they are so up and down and we are not in a "normal" circumstance. Dont' take it too personally.

 

I don't think you should look at it as if nothing was real and it was just sex. It doesn't matter in the end. If he chooses his wife, then he is choosing his wife. I can respect and admire that in some way. I was told duty should not trump love, but that isn't my decision to make for her...and it isn't yours to make for him.

 

He likely really does feel all those things, but there are a lot more variables at hand...and I think you have to move one and let him find out if he is missing something in his life. I'm telling you this because I'm in the middle of it right now...trying my best...and it's not easy.

 

I want her to find it in her marriage.. (happiness), or find out that she'll never have it and maybe make whatever decisions she needs to find it..in the meantime..i have to keep moving on...and I need to tell myself it's not going to happen with xMW for sanity sake.

 

Your feelings are normal...don't beat yourself up.

[fanine]

Thank you zevahc. Yes it is hard, isn't it. He is my best friend as well and that is something I will miss so much too.

I know I do have to move on. I have felt like I have put my life on hold. Thing is every time this has happened he will find some way to get back into my life. He lives so near to me, he will suddenly call and I have always picked up the phone.

I do know though I have to set him free. If it is really meant to be, he will sort himself and come back to me. I do not think that will happen however. He seems to have a bit of a history of other women, and his wife seems to just take it all and always take him back.

I think what hurts is that each time this happened in the past, he used it as a reason to claim I didn't really love him. I know he will be thinking that now. I am in an impossible situation really on that one. To him, if I loved him I would accept this whole situation.

So by getting upset or leaving him, to him, I don't care. He would happily be like this the rest of his life. But also I think he is happy with that, as he doesnt have to make a decision or change his life.

 

All his friends know me as his girlfriend and we hang out with them all the time. They are all cuban and it seems to be a common thing they all have more than one partner. He tells me he only lives in the same house as his wife because of the kids - one is very young - and that he sleeps on the sofa. But is that really all true??

I do deserve better than this. I know.

[zevahc]

Thank you zevahc. Yes it is hard, isn't it. He is my best friend as well and that is something I will miss so much too.

I know I do have to move on. I have felt like I have put my life on hold. Thing is every time this has happened he will find some way to get back into my life. He lives so near to me, he will suddenly call and I have always picked up the phone.

I do know though I have to set him free. If it is really meant to be, he will sort himself and come back to me. I do not think that will happen however. He seems to have a bit of a history of other women, and his wife seems to just take it all and always take him back.

I think what hurts is that each time this happened in the past, he used it as a reason to claim I didn't really love him. I know he will be thinking that now. I am in an impossible situation really on that one. To him, if I loved him I would accept this whole situation.

So by getting upset or leaving him, to him, I don't care. He would happily be like this the rest of his life. But also I think he is happy with that, as he doesnt have to make a decision or change his life.

 

All his friends know me as his girlfriend and we hang out with them all the time. They are all cuban and it seems to be a common thing they all have more than one partner. He tells me he only lives in the same house as his wife because of the kids - one is very young - and that he sleeps on the sofa. But is that really all true??

I do deserve better than this. I know.

 

You definitely deserve better..we all do who get caught in this. I don't blame the AP....in many cases I think they also want better...but they made a decision when they got married....and it is to them to either fix that marriage...or get out. I'm single...so I wasn't trying to find something I didn't have in a marriage. I just found a best friend, and person whom I connected with on a different level.

 

Move on, one day at a time...and try and be happy for him if he can sort himself out...if he has a history of being this...i'd be leery. I also don't think it's fair for him to say you moving on or going quiet means your feelings weren't real. You have to protect yourself. Just do what you gotta do...things will work out...i believe that...regardless of the current situation. I know they will in my life as well.

[fanine]

I'm single too. He claimed he was at first as well......but yes things will work out one day. I know the next few weeks are likely to be a bit of a rollercoaster. He still has stuff at my house and I need that out of here so I can go total NC. I know he will find a reason at some point to contact me. We do have friends in common, but I know I have to let him go. I know the tears and anger and frustration will get less over time. I do just have to be strong

[zevahc]

I'm single too. He claimed he was at first as well......but yes things will work out one day. I know the next few weeks are likely to be a bit of a rollercoaster. He still has stuff at my house and I need that out of here so I can go total NC. I know he will find a reason at some point to contact me. We do have friends in common, but I know I have to let him go. I know the tears and anger and frustration will get less over time. I do just have to be strong

 

Fanine, feel free to message me or PM for support...the next few weeks will be tough. You aren't alone.

 

Some people are wired to battle these things more effectively..i'm not one of those types. I'm overly devoted to someone I give my heart to, to the point I'll be walked all over...not a good thing in this scenario.

[kareena]

 

He does feel like my soulmate. We do get on so well, but I know this is a crazy situation.

 

What I find hard though is his reaction to my decision. He has often told me I deserve better, that the situation is not fair on me etc etc. More and more frequently I have got upset over the situation, and the fact there can be no future with it, and I have let him know when I get upset. We have broken up a couple of times (things he would always bring up, claiming it was all my fault of course)

 

 

 

Whenever I said this was all too hard, he said I had to accept this, that plenty of people survive like this, and we should just make the most of what we have (selfish eh? He has the best of both worlds and I should be content with the crumbs. Yet he would completely panic if he though I was out drinking and might meet other guys etc)

 

So I finally said, in as caring and straight way as possible that I could not do this anymore. If he was single the situation would be different. I said I did not want us to be on bad terms, but I had to think of my future.

 

His reply was just yes, this is all too dramatic, I want it over and done with. That was it.

 

 

I have been through the exact same thing,the bold paragraphs are all too familiar. I can't tell you why or how because I still haven't figured it out myself but I feel like MM's are in such a clouded messed up place where they don't even know what they want/need. My MM actually got divorced THEN dumped me. I think that whatever was there was true while it lasted,then their wants/needs/desires change and when that happens you'll find yourself in an ugly position.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you took the conscious rational decision to end the A so just try to keep reminding yourself of the reasons why this was the "right" thing to do. I know it hurts,you want him to say he loves you,you want him to care,I feel your pain,I'm still waiting for my guy to call saying how much he loves and misses me but I also know it won't happen. I don't know if any of this makes sense I'm in no position to be giving other people advice but I sincerely hope this helps you in some way or the other.

[Pierre]

I told my MM of 18 months last night that I cannot see him anymore.

 

I am being strong. I guess like many people here, they have tried this several times. When we met he claimed he was separated. I believed him - and only found out 6 months down the line his wife had moved back in. But by then my feelings had developed and however hard I tried, I could not stay away.

 

He does feel like my soulmate. We do get on so well, but I know this is a crazy situation.

 

What I find hard though is his reaction to my decision. He has often told me I deserve better, that the situation is not fair on me etc etc. More and more frequently I have got upset over the situation, and the fact there can be no future with it, and I have let him know when I get upset. We have broken up a couple of times (things he would always bring up, claiming it was all my fault of course)

 

Earlier this week I got upset after we had had a lovely night together. I felt so stupid to get upset, yet the fact it had been great made me feel even more depressed about the situation. He has had less and less time to spare with me - something I have really noticed, as he does have small kids.

 

Whenever I said this was all too hard, he said I had to accept this, that plenty of people survive like this, and we should just make the most of what we have (selfish eh? He has the best of both worlds and I should be content with the crumbs. Yet he would completely panic if he though I was out drinking and might meet other guys etc)

 

So I finally said, in as caring and straight way as possible that I could not do this anymore. If he was single the situation would be different. I said I did not want us to be on bad terms, but I had to think of my future.

 

His reply was just yes, this is all too dramatic, I want it over and done with. That was it.

 

That is what hurts so much. To reply like that? I am in an impossible situation. I did say I love him very much but I understand he cannot give me what I want. But he acted so cold. Like it didn't bother him, like it was a business contract. He just acted like he was pissed.

 

That crushes me. If he could have said, yes I do care but I do understand and respect your decision, I would feel so much better.

 

Can anyone help me why he is being like this? I definitely do not want to go back to the old ways, the feeling lonely, the cancelled nights together, the unanswered calls. But I need to heal and somehow understand.

 

Was I totally fooled? It was not just sex, we had such a connection, we did so much together, we shared so many interests.

 

Why cannot he understand? He is the one staying with a wife - he claims he is only doing it for the kids - I have seen no-one else.

 

Was I just supposed to be a doll in a box to take out and play with when he felt like it?

 

I hate it he feels pissed with me, calls me a drama queen, and cannot understand.

 

His love for real is real and authentic, but MM has a conscience and this was destroying him. But, he loves you, no doubt. That is why he agreed with your decision. If he fights you ultimately get hurt a whole lot more. It is best this way. Go 100% NC.

 

Love is supposed to be a joy and you are in misery with this relationship. MM is doing you a favor by not being clingy.

[zevahc]

I can't tell you why or how because I still haven't figured it out myself but I feel like MM's are in such a clouded messed up place where they don't even know what they want/need.

 

It isn't just MM...it's pretty much everyone in the A in my opinion...doesn't matter which seat you're in...this is all a clouded mess...feelings are real I believe...but the situation creates a clouded mess because it's all outside of the societal norm....and for good reason I think.

[spiderowl]

He just doesn't seem to be a guy who has any empathy. He lied to you too, by omission at least and about a very important matter. He was just not a good guy. I'm sorry he's hurt you. You deserve much better than this excuse of a guy.