Don't know how to proceed

[klovesk]

I come to you all in dire straits.

 

 

I have been with the love of my life for 5 years, 5 months, and 3 weeks. I always thought myself to be better than to fall for another, I promised myself I would never betray the one I love. I always thought it was disgraceful, dishonorable, and I never understood how anyone could do it.

 

Problem is, about a year and a half before my girlfriend and I started dating, I felt what I thought was love for another. It had been built up over 3-4 years. We got so close to being together, but she ran away, she hid her feelings, and tried to not let me get close. She disappeared from my life leaving a hole in my heart. Fast forward a year and I had thought I moved on, I thought I didn't care about her anymore, so I started talking to this girl (now girlfriend/exgirlfriend). Roughly a year or two after this girl and I started dating, the old one started trying to talk to me occasionally. She started working where I worked. I thought I felt those feelings old feelings again. For lack of better terminology, I was seduced by feelings I thought I still had. I kept telling myself it was wrong, I couldn't do this, I shouldn't do this, why would I want to do this, it's not worth it. I gave in and had sex with the old girl. I regretted it. IMMEDIATELY. I woke up in a sense, I knew that the feelings were a mirage, a ghost from the past that I was stupid enough to think of.

 

I told my girlfriend what happened, and how I felt about it, she was understandably heartbroken but our love was strong enough that she knew that she loved me no matter what and we can work through it. That was three years ago. We've been very happy since, but I never felt that it was truly the same. We lived together for a while, we had a life together. I have never felt temptation with anyone except the girl I screwed up with, I had no reason to, I loved my girlfriend, she was everything I wanted and needed. And I knew that my girlfriend was the only one for me and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. All I can say (not to be an excuse for what I did, I've hated myself for it) is that sometimes we have to make terrible, terrible mistakes to see the right thing, what's right in front of us.

 

But last week, something changed. A couple days in to the week, she wouldn't talk to me at all. I'd ask her what's going on, and she would just say that there's nothing to talk about. At the end of the week she returned home (we're in between places right now, living with parents, still young), without saying she was leaving (she always does), and went straight home, didn't come see me. Just let me know that she's home. So I called her and said what is going on?? She doesn't think we should be together anymore, she doesn't know what she wants. She feels like she compromised herself to be with me and make me happy. And that she needs time and space to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants and to hopefully figure out what she wants. She's not shutting out the possibility that maybe we are meant for each other and will get back together. I don't think she's seeing anyone else presently, just troubled by what's happened and thinking if maybe there is someone else for her.

 

I'm devastated, I've been inconsolable. I truly believe that she is the love of my life and that she is the one for me. I know a big part of why she is feeling as she is, is not being able to forgive what I did. After it happened I did everything in my power to try and repair the damage, everything in my power. I knew I loved her and only her. That my mind, my body, and my heart and soul are only for her. I am in this to the bitter end, I love her more than myself, and a part of me died on the inside when I broke her heart and compromised my own values. Now that old girl is a reluctant memory I'd rather forget about, I like to think that my (ex)girlfriend is the only girl I've ever had, she's that special to me.

 

I'm trying so hard to give her the time and space that she wants, so, so hard. But I'm heartbroken and I have to fight for my love. I am devastated that she's not sure if she wants to be with me. I am devastated that I broke her heart, that I did this to myself, that I destroyed the love of my life, and that's something I'm going to have to live with. But I love her and can't bear the thought of a life without her. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

[Philosoraptor]

Right now all you can do is be patient, take care of yourself, and prepare yourself to move on.

 

Didn't seem like early on you knew what you wanted, and you hurt her pretty deeply. Whether or not her leaving had anything to do with your cheating, no one here could possibly know. But regardless you need to give her what she wants and work on moving on yourself.

[lessica]

I am so sorry you are going through this...

 

My ex cheated on me after we had been living together 2 years. It broke my heart, I 'forgave' him, we moved on for 5 more years. But from that point on I associated him with pain. When I looked at him instead of seeing a person who loved me and made me feel good, I would see a person that can/did cause me pain. And that resentment lives on. I think at the time I was upset for about a week, but then I just had to repress it for the sake of our relationship.

 

It makes it that much easier to move on. He recently left me for 'space', after 7 years, and I am not desperately sad for him.. because I do still on some level associate him with his potential to cause pain.

 

I don't know why, because personally I don't really feel cheating is a huge deal, in my head it is just 'bodies', but him doing it totally scarred me. It was worse than breaking up after 7 years.

 

I am not sure if your ex has maybe never let this go? But it could well be what is making it easier for her to walk away.

 

We are all in the same boat here, some may have cheated, some may have been needy, clingy, abusive etc. Something about the situation leads to break ups. Please don't dwell on this, because you obviously love her and really feel bad about this, it was a mistake. Unfortunately, I think we have to accept these things, and the consequences.

 

Just look after you right now, that is about all you can do.

[klovesk]

You are exactly right, I didn't know what I wanted at first. I was an up and down roller coaster sometimes and I hurt her. I wish I didn't. We started dating at age 18.

 

I have an update.

 

Now, I have ALWAYS told her that if she has a problem, she should tell me. She should not spare my feelings, no matter what it is, she needs to feel free to tell me exactly what's wrong.

 

Some of what she did was classic reaction to meeting someone new. The sudden change of heart, the not wanting to talk to me, the wanting to go out with new people. I asked her point blank if there was someone else at all, if she was even a little bit interested in someone. Her answer was a direct no, that she had not met anyone, she had not found anyone else attractive. And that she still loved me, she just needed time to figure out what she wants. I believed her because I trust her.

 

Turns out that this week, when she's been going to back to work at her old job, she's been staying with a guy she met there the first time around. She found him attractive, she likes him. She admitted to having kissed him already, but that no more had occurred. He apparently still lives at his parents and they have separate rooms to sleep in.

 

She went from so excited to living with me again (and asking please for a kiss before we parted ways), to not wanting me at all, and then to kissing up on another man. Within a week's time. I have been blown away, she has never been this kind of person. She's ALWAYS taken it slow and steady with everyone she's dated. It's very out of character and rushed for her. I'm baffled.

 

When I learned of that, I was so enflamed by it, because of my love for her, that I got her on the phone and, well... I probably made the problem worse. I told her that it sounded like she was hoping to start something up with this guy, and string me along at the same time so that if it doesn't work out she can run back to me. Which may be true, I don't know. I told her that that's not OK and that we would not be getting back together, ever. I cooled off a bit and I left her some messages and apologized to her new man the following morning. It's not his fault she gave me up for him.

 

Jeremy, I'd like to apologize for last night. This is Katie's ex boyfriend. I don't know if she told you what's going on, but she broke up with me last Sunday. Likely because of you. We were together since February 15, 2008. I didn't want to involve you, but all I can say is that people do all sorts of crazy, irrational things in the name of love. I was devastated by the break up, I am still madly in love with her. Before she left for work she expressed how excited she was to live together again soon. She wanted to marry me someday and I wanted to marry her. But her attitude towards me changed rapidly, I assume after she met you. I don't blame you for being attracted to her, Katie is 200% wonderful. I'm upset she lost faith in the two of us so much that she might want someone else. I think it's confused her feelings. She told me she doesn't know what she wants, but she still loves me and that she needed time to think about what she wants. She told me again just the other day that she loves me. God knows I've made many mistakes when I was younger, immature, and naive. But I always tried to learn from my mistakes and be a better man for Katie. I'm not telling you this to try and sabotage whatever is going on between you two, but to just say.. I don't know if you are better for her than I am. But I still love her, so whatever happens I sincerely hope it's the best thing for her. That's love. Always treat her right. I wish I always did when I was young and dumb.

I've had a couple days to go through the emotional roller coaster. I talked to a good friend of mine I've known since kindergarten who's now works in a psych ward, when he told me some things that others have already said, it sank in for some reason. If she can't forgive me for a honest to god mistake that I loathe myself, that happened years ago and we've been very happy since... That's a problem that isn't my fault. After everything we went through, I committed my love to her and only her, for as long as we are together, I did everything I could to repair the damage. But after that, the ball is in her court. She has made me drag on feelings of guilt about it for years. So if she can't forgive me, we can never be the couple we once were, tragically.

 

I know that I did what I did because I couldn't say no. I knew it was wrong, I knew I didn't want it, that my girlfriend deserved better than that, I would tell myself to stop it... But I was so inexperienced and unsure of myself at the time, that I just couldn't muster up saying no and banishing her from my life. I wish that wasn't the case. Now I am confident that that would not be the case if the situation were repeated. I would have no problem telling her I don't want it at all, and all that I am is reserved for the one I love. I have been hit on by several girls since then (some pretty laughably forward) and I felt no temptation in any way at all. I love my girlfriend, no one else can have me, I don't want anyone else to have me.

 

After talking to him I feel much more positive. I realize that a lot of my supposed unhappiness (according to her) in the relationship was because of unhappiness with myself about what all I've done to her, and that has sometimes been, unfortunately, reflected in how I've treated her. I have never screamed at, hit, or abused her in any way, except hurt her emotions through my own lack of decisiveness. I would feel like she doesn't love me like she used to, and it became a strain on our relationship. But most of the time we were very happy together. I understand that parting ways, for now at the very least, will be mutually beneficial. It may take a while to be able to love again, but at least hopefully I'll be able to feel ok being alone relatively soon. Call me old fashioned, but I whole heartedly believe in not engaging in a relationship with anyone until you have 100% put to rest feelings for your ex.

 

I texted her one last time, that I thank her, and that I have no hard feelings. I told her good luck with Jeremy. I just have to start moving on from all of this. One thing that bothers me though, is when I was distressed last weekend, I ordered some really nice flowers to be delivered to where I thought she would be staying. I've been there before, it's where she stayed last week. I only asked her if she got them, and she said no. She LOVES getting flowers, which I rarely got for her. More of a special gift. When they got delivered she didn't even bother to go get them... That's rude I think. I would hope that after five and a half years she could have a bit more respect than that.

Edited July 16, 2013 by klovesk