Girlfriend problem - waiting for sex, but not with someone else?

[mark88]

Hi,

 

I'm having a problem. I'm 25, my gf is 23. We've been dating for 3,5 months.

 

On one of the first dates topic of experience came up. She told me she had 3 partners. I told her I'm a virgin (truth). She was a bit surprised, asked me why, etc and then decided we should wait for sex for a little while to make my first time special. I tried to thank her for concern and say it isn't necessary. Fast forward 3 months and we still haven't had sex.

 

A few days ago I've met a guy I know. We had a chit-chat, what's up etc. When we talked about girls I told him I'm seeing my gf. He reacted oddly, like patted me on back and told me "awesome, don't ruin it". I was like "WTF you know her?" and actually he said they had random sex at one dorm party about a year ago. He told me "She gives great head, doesn't she?" I was so confused what to do, whether to punch him or laugh, but I decided to play along and say "Yes, she does".

 

What to do now? Should I confront my gf about it? It pisses me off that this guy I know to be a douche, had his way with my gf easily, but I have to wait now. Should I have hided my virginity or what? How to handle it now?

[New User]

There's an old line of thought that believes it's O.K. to have sex with someone quickly if you don't want a real relationship, but if you want it to last you have to make the guy wait. It's a silly line of thinking, but it's out there with a lot of women. Whether that's what she's thinking or not though three months is a long time to wait. Particularly if it's because she "wants it to be special." At a certain point that's a rationalization.

 

How are you approaching things physically with her, do you try to seduce her? or just ask her? or what- if it's devolved into an adult game of "Mother May I" she's not really feeling it and she's probably seeing you either for security or self-esteem issues.

 

Disclaimer- I'm a bit older than you and can't remember the last time it took longer than three weeks to become physically intimate with a woman I was involved with.

[BradJacobs]

Why did you feel the need to lie about getting head?

 

Don't bring this topic up. You apparently are upset (wanting to hit a guy for getting a bj from a girl that you both apparently find attractive).

 

Why not try to initiate sex with this girl on your own instead of using this as a catalyst to get yourself laid?

[mark88]

There's an old line of thought that believes it's O.K. to have sex with someone quickly if you don't want a real relationship, but if you want it to last you have to make the guy wait. It's a silly line of thinking, but it's out there with a lot of women. Whether that's what she's thinking or not though three months is a long time to wait. Particularly if it's because she "wants it to be special." At a certain point that's a rationalization.

 

How are you approaching things physically with her, do you try to seduce her? or just ask her? or what- if it's devolved into an adult game of "Mother May I" she's not really feeling it and she's probably seeing you either for security or self-esteem issues.

 

Disclaimer- I'm a bit older than you and can't remember the last time it took longer than three weeks to become physically intimate with a woman I was involved with.

 

I've never heard of that line and it doesn't really make sense to me. I thought long term partners should be treated better than random hookups, but I guess I was wrong. But whatever, if she thinks that way I can't change it. So what now? Can I somehow take back that virginity thing? And I don't even believe she wants to make it special for me. I mean if I was so special to her, we'd already had sex, no? Especially if some douche can get it so easily.

 

I try to seduce her. I buy her flowers, pay for dates etc. We cuddle and kiss often. But somehow it doesn't get to sex.

 

Why did you feel the need to lie about getting head?

 

Don't bring this topic up. You apparently are upset (wanting to hit a guy for getting a bj from a girl that you both apparently find attractive).

 

Why not try to initiate sex with this girl on your own instead of using this as a catalyst to get yourself laid?

 

What should I have done then?

 

I don't know if he still wants my gf, probably would **** her if given opportunity. But that's not the main problem now. I mean how is he a catalyst to get me laid? Thinking about it just kills the mood for me.

[Fondue]

You don't have to wait if you know how to initiate.

 

If you get her in the mood, make her really want it, she'll pretty much do anything.

 

I think that's the hardest part for inexperienced men-- is how get her engine running, so to speak.

 

Do you live on your own? If you do, it should be pretty easy. If you get her in your house/apartment, that's half the battle.

 

Try this. I sometimes pull this little scene out and follow these steps more or less exactly. It never fails:

 

Put on some soft music (Michael Buble is a good choice here), be cheesy and make like a funny "will you dance with me" gesture. Take her hand, dance around the room for a bit, maybe even a few songs, get slower and slower. Breath in her ear, kiss neck, etc. etc. Should get more intimate as you go. At this point, she should be definitely feeling it. I usually push them against my wall, make out a bit, pick them up by their butt, hold them against the wall, make out more. She should be breathing super heavy and reallyyyyy want it. Carry her over on your bed and throw her onto it. Being a bit manly is encouraged. Every girl I ever been with said they "love" how "dominated" they feel. Slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy touch her in all the right areas. Slowwwwwwwwlyyyyyy unbutton her shirt. Etc. etc. etc. (go from touching boob/butt to taking off bra, to touching "down there," and whatever else) After a while of this teasing, she's going to be grabbing for your junk herself.

 

If you haven't gotten her bedded with this, then I simply don't know. Bedding a woman isn't an art form really, and it should be fun. Do what feels right. But DEFINITELY do not "ask" her for permission to do things, or worse yet, don't wait for her to initiate the first time. Show her that you want and you take what you want. Why? Because you're a man. Men go for things they want. She is the object of your desire, take it.

[New User]

I've never heard of that line and it doesn't really make sense to me. I thought long term partners should be treated better than random hookups, but I guess I was wrong. But whatever, if she thinks that way I can't change it. So what now? Can I somehow take back that virginity thing? And I don't even believe she wants to make it special for me. I mean if I was so special to her, we'd already had sex, no? Especially if some douche can get it so easily.

 

I try to seduce her. I buy her flowers, pay for dates etc. We cuddle and kiss often. But somehow it doesn't get to sex.

 

 

 

What should I have done then?

 

I don't know if he still wants my gf, probably would **** her if given opportunity. But that's not the main problem now. I mean how is he a catalyst to get me laid? Thinking about it just kills the mood for me.

 

Oh boy. I'm getting from this that your jealous and angry about the other dude- understandable. Something to remember though- just because he said that they hooked up doesn't mean it's true. He likely had some kind of ulterior motive to tell you that whether it's true or not. Maybe just to **** with your head- in which case it worked, maybe to establish some kind of superiority, maybe one of a thousand other reasons I can't think of right now.

 

You say that you "kiss and cuddle." Do you kiss her and then just expect her to take over? Or do you get shot down when you try to move things to the next level? Honestly, my reading of your description is that she likes the security of having you around and buying her stuff but doesn't feel a whole lot of attraction. Physical relations tend (in my experience) to progress fairly naturally once you're past the awkward early to mid teenage years for most men and women. Usually- especially the first time- the man takes the lead. If you aren't- that may be the issue right there. If you are and she's shutting you down I'd have to think that she's probably just not feeling it.

 

The virginity thing is kind of a wild card. I could understand it leading to a little hesitance and trying to "make it special" but at a certain point that's just an excuse- it isn't like she has to worry about painfully breaking your hymen and you going home feeling sore and possibly used. The worst that's likely to happen is that it's over before you even realize it started.

[New User]

You don't have to wait if you know how to initiate.

 

If you get her in the mood, make her really want it, she'll pretty much do anything.

 

I think that's the hardest part for inexperienced men-- is how get her engine running, so to speak.

 

Do you live on your own? If you do, it should be pretty easy. If you get her in your house/apartment, that's half the battle.

 

Try this. I sometimes pull this little scene out and follow these steps more or less exactly. It never fails:

 

Put on some soft music (Michael Buble is a good choice here), be cheesy and make like a funny "will you dance with me" gesture. Take her hand, dance around the room for a bit, maybe even a few songs, get slower and slower. Breath in her ear, kiss neck, etc. etc. Should get more intimate as you go. At this point, she should be definitely feeling it. I usually push them against my wall, make out a bit, pick them up by their butt, hold them against the wall, make out more. She should be breathing super heavy and reallyyyyy want it. Carry her over on your bed and throw her onto it. Being a bit manly is encouraged. Every girl I ever been with said they "love" how "dominated" they feel. Slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy touch her in all the right areas. Slowwwwwwwwlyyyyyy unbutton her shirt. Etc. etc. etc. (go from touching boob/butt to taking off bra, to touching "down there," and whatever else) After a while of this teasing, she's going to be grabbing for your junk herself.

 

If you haven't gotten her bedded with this, then I simply don't know. Bedding a woman isn't an art form really, and it should be fun. Do what feels right. But DEFINITELY do not "ask" her for permission to do things, or worse yet, don't wait for her to initiate the first time. Show her that you want and you take what you want. Why? Because you're a man. Men go for things they want. She is the object of your desire, take it.

 

There's a lot of truth here- he apparently put that up while I was typing. The only comment I have is: Michael Buble? Really? I usually put on Buckcherry's Crazy Bitch to really let her know I'm into her. No, not really. Barry White.

 

ETA- the thing about asking is right on. You still have to listen to her though. She'll let you know if she doesn't want to go any further. At this point if she doesn't- I revert back to my point about her maybe not really being into you.

Edited July 14, 2013 by New User

[mark88]

You don't have to wait if you know how to initiate.

 

If you get her in the mood, make her really want it, she'll pretty much do anything.

 

I think that's the hardest part for inexperienced men-- is how get her engine running, so to speak.

 

Do you live on your own? If you do, it should be pretty easy. If you get her in your house/apartment, that's half the battle.

 

Try this. I sometimes pull this little scene out and follow these steps more or less exactly. It never fails:

 

Put on some soft music (Michael Buble is a good choice here), be cheesy and make like a funny "will you dance with me" gesture. Take her hand, dance around the room for a bit, maybe even a few songs, get slower and slower. Breath in her ear, kiss neck, etc. etc. Should get more intimate as you go. At this point, she should be definitely feeling it. I usually push them against my wall, make out a bit, pick them up by their butt, hold them against the wall, make out more. She should be breathing super heavy and reallyyyyy want it. Carry her over on your bed and throw her onto it. Being a bit manly is encouraged. Every girl I ever been with said they "love" how "dominated" they feel. Slowlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy touch her in all the right areas. Slowwwwwwwwlyyyyyy unbutton her shirt. Etc. etc. etc. (go from touching boob/butt to taking off bra, to touching "down there," and whatever else) After a while of this teasing, she's going to be grabbing for your junk herself.

 

If you haven't gotten her bedded with this, then I simply don't know. Bedding a woman isn't an art form really, and it should be fun. Do what feels right. But DEFINITELY do not "ask" her for permission to do things, or worse yet, don't wait for her to initiate the first time. Show her that you want and you take what you want. Why? Because you're a man. Men go for things they want. She is the object of your desire, take it.

Wow thanks. Sounds a bit complicated but makes sense. I'll try that next time.

 

You say that you "kiss and cuddle." Do you kiss her and then just expect her to take over? Or do you get shot down when you try to move things to the next level? Honestly, my reading of your description is that she likes the security of having you around and buying her stuff but doesn't feel a whole lot of attraction. Physical relations tend (in my experience) to progress fairly naturally once you're past the awkward early to mid teenage years for most men and women. Usually- especially the first time- the man takes the lead. If you aren't- that may be the issue right there. If you are and she's shutting you down I'd have to think that she's probably just not feeling it.

 

The virginity thing is kind of a wild card. I could understand it leading to a little hesitance and trying to "make it special" but at a certain point that's just an excuse- it isn't like she has to worry about painfully breaking your hymen and you going home feeling sore and possibly used. The worst that's likely to happen is that it's over before you even realize it started.

I don't know. We just kiss and then I'm like "What now?" in my mind and not really do much past it. I'll try that suggestion above.

[xpaperxcutx]

You know you had every right to be mad. Mad at this guy for talking about your girlfriend like she's a sexual object and mad at your girlfriend for non sexual contact.

 

My ex was a virgin but I never used that as a reason to not have sex with him. In fact, it was more intimate because we were together and he gave it to me.

 

Don't you find it unfair? Why was your girlfriend giving it up easily to previous guys but she hard initiated with you?

[mark88]

You know you had every right to be mad. Mad at this guy for talking about your girlfriend like she's a sexual object and mad at your girlfriend for non sexual contact.

 

My ex was a virgin but I never used that as a reason to not have sex with him. In fact, it was more intimate because we were together and he gave it to me.

 

Don't you find it unfair? Why was your girlfriend giving it up easily to previous guys but she hard initiated with you?

 

Ugh, when I think about it, I don't even want to have sex with her and maybe save myself for someone better. Then when I don't think about it, I may want her again.

 

I guess I have to think about this whole relationship.

[BradJacobs]

I don't know. We just kiss and then I'm like "What now?" in my mind and not really do much past it. I'll try that suggestion above.

Sloooow down there cowboy.

 

In the bases language, have you even hit second? Or are you stuck on first?

 

Stealing from second to home plate will likely get your thrown out. Take your time. Enjoy each stop. Make it feel natural and organic. When you want to rush through it, it feels rushed and that's not going to hit her desire to make it special for you.

 

Whatever you do, do NOT get all pissy and mad if this girl stops short of letting you get to third when you know your db friend got a bj from her.

[ascendotum]

You should not be mad at this other guy. Actually he gave you a wake up call. Time to be assertive. She's fine on ONS but you are still waiting at 3 months. I do wonder how much she is into you. I would have thought she would allow for you being a V and would take the initiative. Well it ain't happening and it seems neither are you. You have a mental block after kissing, likely hoping she will pull her top off and kick it into the next phase. Well, looks like you are going to need to do this. +1 on Fondue's post. Someone above said don't use this as a catalyst, but I would. Also don't get pissy with her or mention that conversation to her. Good luck for this weekend.

[Eggplant]

I was like "WTF you know her?" and actually he said they had random sex at one dorm party about a year ago. He told me "She gives great head, doesn't she?" I was so confused what to do, whether to punch him or laugh, but I decided to play along and say "Yes, she does".

You should have punched him. What were his motivations in telling you anything? I think he was bragging and being an a**hole.

[Eggplant]

OP, have you and this girl discussed sexual past? Were any of her past partners ONS according to her?

 

Does she seem as though she really wants to have sex with you, but is having trouble keeping the discipline? That's how it should be -- there should be passion and tension if no sex has happened yet. If not, then move one.

[BradJacobs]

Someone above said don't use this as a catalyst, but I would.

What I meant was don't use a conversation with his girl about her previous blow job giving experiences as a catalyst to try to get laid.

 

There is no doubt that we agree that he needs to take the initiative.

[Lansing]

Why are you thinking you don't want to be with her anymore and find someone else to have sex with for the first time? Just because you haven't had sex yet or because other reasons? Maybe she feels that you aren't ready for sex. Maybe you need to iniate more. Escalate and get more intimate until she tells you to stop... Are you guys getting naked together? If you are doubting if she is the right girl for you maybe you should consider breaking up and finding a new person before you get too sexual as that really clouds judgement.