new life Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Hi i am very much new to all this posting and blogging. i dont understand the lingo really so forgive me already. im writing on this to seek advice as im at a cross roads in my relationship. i was abroad working for six months away from my partner who was pregnant and who was already minding our two kids so she was very busy and did a great job. i however on the other hand after two months away meet a women who i found very attractive and after a week or two had a sexual relationship with her. i never told her about my life back at home. i fell in love with her and really new that if i was to tell her about my real life i would loose her. this women made me feel loved and adored me i felt so excited just to see her. Now i know your thinking but you have a family at home and yes you are right there is not enough bad words that can describe how much of a A-Hole i am. the truth is that the relationship was not good we were just going through it i didnt love my partner much. and we didnt show each other affection or tell each other any nice things to compliment each other nothing. Also my partner agrees that our relationship was not good and had not been for a while. since i returned home after having a four month relationship with this women i told her about my real life. i also told my partner too as she knew when i arrived home that something was not right with me. so after 2 days o told her that i did not have feelings for her anymore and i did not want to be with her. this wripped her apart of course it did she loved me and we have 3 beautiful children. so i decided to go to counciling to see what was wrong with me for not actually being bothered about upsetting her. it turns out after a few sessions that i never opened my heart to her from my last relationship which tore my heart apart. and as a result i was always cold in our relationship and never allowed it to grow. now also i dont find my partner attractive anymore since i had the affair and i dont no where to go from here. i dont want to be with her just for my kids. also the women i had the affair with understands me and the situation and is willing to stand by me even after finding out i lied to her aswell as my partner. im just want to be there for my kids from now on. but i love this women i had the affair with i really want to know if someone has any advice or has been through something similar. this is just a breif outline of what happened but hitting on all the major oints i think.
Author new life Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 they both know about each other. and what has happened.
findingnemo Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Yes having an affair was bad...you seem quite capable of self-criticism. So I won't bash you on that. You did the right thing by coming clean to both of them. I was the OW (other woman) a long time ago and had xMM (married man) done what you did, I would definitely have stood by him. People make mistakes, all sorts. The question is what they do after that. You have made up your mind to leave your partner. Leaving her doesn't mean leaving the kids. They are your kids and will always be. The key is to live, henceforth, in truth. Don't allow yourself to lie to anybody about your feelings. Try to understand your partner's pain while disengaging and keep going to IC. The new woman needs a man who can openly love her and show his true feelings. Figure out if you really love her as opposed to wanting her because she loves you. It will take time and work. Take it a day at a time. Deal first with your separation and sort of your custody issues. Expect to feel different about what you want at times mainly because of the separation process. But hang in there and be patient with yourself.
Pierre Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 this woman made me feel loved and adored me i felt so excited just to see her. Your post has been written a zillion times on this board. Most of the time it is an OW, but OMs are fully capable of stating the above. So you liked to be loved. Maybe you should tell your wife (or partner) that you want her to validate you. Tell her she does not pay attention to you and that you feel neglected. Otherwise, I see your point: A brand new vagina will always be much more exciting than a 10 year old vagina. I am with you on this one. However, to accomplish this you have to demolish the lives of your three children and wife (partner). BTW, why call her a partner if she is the mother of your three children? In any event, you are in a very difficult situation because you have now tasted the new vagina and the owner is willing to let you have it. How does she feel about your family? So this is a dilemma. You have fallen for the NEW----and who wouldn't. You are normal. It would have been best if you had never tasted the forbidden fruit, but you did. Probably because you lack boundaries and commitment. Now you are between a hard rock and a hard place. These are your options: 1. Dump the partner and take your chances with your OW. But, I must warn you the NEW gets OLD. 2. Dump the OW and ask your wife to give you the attention and validation you deserve. Quit OW cold turkey, forget her. You have only known her for a short time. Lastly, don't be so down on yourself. Anyone can have an affair.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Hi i am very much new to all this posting and blogging. i dont understand the lingo really so forgive me already. im writing on this to seek advice as im at a cross roads in my relationship. i was abroad working for six months away from my partner who was pregnant and who was already minding our two kids so she was very busy and did a great job. i however on the other hand after two months away meet a women who i found very attractive and after a week or two had a sexual relationship with her. i never told her about my life back at home. i fell in love with her and really new that if i was to tell her about my real life i would loose her. this women made me feel loved and adored me i felt so excited just to see her. Now i know your thinking but you have a family at home and yes you are right there is not enough bad words that can describe how much of a A-Hole i am. the truth is that the relationship was not good we were just going through it i didnt love my partner much. and we didnt show each other affection or tell each other any nice things to compliment each other nothing. Also my partner agrees that our relationship was not good and had not been for a while. since i returned home after having a four month relationship with this women i told her about my real life. i also told my partner too as she knew when i arrived home that something was not right with me. so after 2 days o told her that i did not have feelings for her anymore and i did not want to be with her. this wripped her apart of course it did she loved me and we have 3 beautiful children. so i decided to go to counciling to see what was wrong with me for not actually being bothered about upsetting her. it turns out after a few sessions that i never opened my heart to her from my last relationship which tore my heart apart. and as a result i was always cold in our relationship and never allowed it to grow. now also i dont find my partner attractive anymore since i had the affair and i dont no where to go from here. i dont want to be with her just for my kids. also the women i had the affair with understands me and the situation and is willing to stand by me even after finding out i lied to her aswell as my partner. im just want to be there for my kids from now on. but i love this women i had the affair with i really want to know if someone has any advice or has been through something similar. this is just a breif outline of what happened but hitting on all the major oints i think. Are you really at a crossroads? It sounds like you have at least mentally chosen your affair partner (AP). The kindest thing you can do is to be honest, file for divorce and support your young children and wife (W). You didn't mention whether your wife is interested in reconciling anyway, she may not know at this point. You don't seem to want to, and appear unwilling to give it a full shot anyway. Putting in lip service about reconciling with your family if you have no intenion of trying is just cruel so don't draw this out. I will not kid you, it will be hard. Very hard. A lot of posters will tell you to follow your heart and be all romantic about your feelings. I am going to tell you how it really will be, if your romantic feelings balance the REAL the you know right? If you are from the US, you will be living on half your income (guessing) for the next 18 years. Even if you decide to have additional children with the AP, your first three children will be supported first. You will see your children part time and you will never have the experience of living full time with your baby. You will have interaction with your W regularly for all that time. So how you handle this will largely contribute to how smoothly that works. This is on you because you are the one who cheated. She will take a while to get over your betrayal. Your wife, children(eventually), family and friends will know that your relationship started as an affair and many will be unfriendly towards your AP, some may never accept her. Friends may shun you because they will not trust her or your boundries and will be afraid you will poach their spouses. Statistically, your relationship with your AP has less than 1% chance of lasting. Everyone thinks that they are the exception...clearly they are not. So the odds are that in a year or so, you will be alone, and your wife will have found a nice man who worships her and he will be living daily with your children. Your youngest will grow up with him as her father figure. You said you are no longer attracted to your wife. What you are experiencing now is a chemical in love feeling and it will pass, (google it) when that happens, will you be happy with the situation you find yourself in? Your wife deserves finding someone who will love her. How will you feel when another man has your family?
2sunny Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Divorce your wife - she deserves a man to truly love her and honor her. That guy is not you. You and your OW seem perfectly matched. 1
Realist3 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 So basically you are going to stay only for the kids and abuse your wife further? Does your wife know you only want to be there for the kids and not her? Two reading errors in one thread. WOW! Do some of you not read English? i dont want to be with her just for my kids.
Realist3 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 new life, Start your new life. Regardless if you end up with your affair partner or not it is obvious it is not going to to work with the mother of your kids.
Realist3 Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Read it just fine, because after he said "im just want to be there for my kids from now on." So he says he doesn't want to be with her JUST for the kids, but then turns around and says he wants to be. In other words, he may not want to be with her just for the kids, but he will. He has lost it for his wife, and lusts for his affair partner. So if he stays with his wife it WILL be just for the kids unless he simply does a 180. Reading English is one thing. Comprehension is another. You did the former. Then your comprehension is severely lacking. He is not staying with the wife. He can be there for the kids without being with the wife.
Pierre Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 OK, lets stop the drama guys. OP went away and was tempted to try NEW vagina. Particularly because he has an OLD vagina at home with three screaming little kids around. The problem with OP is that he is also looking for external validation. And you know what happens to those that look for external validation. They fall in love very hard in the affair bubble and cannot think straight. They get heavily addicted to the validation. If OP was a man not in need of external validation he would have come home after trying the NEW vagina and move on with his OLD vagina. But, no! OP is not a typical cheater. OP is a man in search of validation. OP wanted to be loved and appreciated. OP is now in the Twilight Zone and his life will be hell for a couple of years. OP will hesitate between OW and leaving his marriage, you know how the story goes. Who knows this may go on for 8-10 years. What a mess!!!
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