dgiirl Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years now. He's my first serious relationship after my divorce (previously married for 11 years). We are both in our late 30's early 40's. We've taken our relationship really slow, neither were in a rush to get married or live together, and we both are kinda commitment-phoebes. It's actually worked pretty well for us but also allowed us to be lazy and avoid serious issues. For the majority of the relationship, we are pretty compatible and we have a great relationship. When we do spend time together, things are really good. Our issue is, we're not spending enough time together and we don't know how to proceed to the next level. Right now, although we speak daily on the phone, we currently only spend one night a week together, and sometimes, not even that. The thing that is stopping us is first, the cost of housing is extraordinary where I live and if we were to buy a house it would force both of us to have longer commutes to work. It would be a serious commitment and probably a strain on our relationship, so home ownership worries me. But it's reaching the point where we don't seem to be moving forward. Secondly, the real issue, and sadly it's an important serious issue, is my two cats. My boyfriend never grew up with pets, and although he's really good with my cats and they adore him, he still feels really uncomfortable living with them. I do my best to keep the place clean but there is only so much that can be done. This is the main cause of why we only spend one night a week together and sometimes none. The issue of us living together has come up for years now, every time us just talking about it, unable to figure out a compromise, then avoiding it for a few months until he then decides he cannot stay the night leaving me feel abandon and alone and unsure where things are going. He feels like he is living in a suitcase every weekend and that's one of the reasons he's starting to not want to spend the night. I really love him and want to stay together. I've thought about giving the cats away but I don't know anyone who would be willing to take them and more importantly, it would devastate me. My boyfriend agreed that is not the right solution. So now, we are left to keep ignoring the issue every 6 months or breaking up. Totally painfully helplessly lost on what to do. In my perfect world, we would be living together with the cats. In his perfect world, we would be living together without the cats.
Brunettie Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Can you give the cats to a family member? If not, can you at least not allow the cats to go in your room? That way, he will have a place to be that is just yours and his and he doesn't have to worry about cats, cat hair, etc.
Author dgiirl Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 Unfortunately, I think giving the cats away is not an option. And I've tried to compromise on everything else. The cats no longer are allowed in the bedroom (my own decision), I've gotten rid of all the towels that had cat fur (I didn't notice this), bought some cat combs to help with the fur, vacuum frequently, etc. nothing I do seems to make it easier for my bf. My bf hasn't asked for me to do anything nor is he coming up with any suggestions to make it easier for him. He is pretty hopeless on a solution. And after going through a painful divorce, I have a lot of insecurities of whether we would last if we lived together. So giving up the cats would be really hard. But I'm also the one who is wanting more for us. I'm tired of living alone and although it took me a long time to get here, I'm starting to want that emotional security of living with someone. Of having a "future".
Eggplant Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 It just doesn't sound as though the 2 of you are madly in love. Don't buy a house. Get an apartment. Is he allergic to cats? If not, what is the problem? Cats keep to themselves.
Author dgiirl Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 It just doesn't sound as though the 2 of you are madly in love. Don't buy a house. Get an apartment. Is he allergic to cats? If not, what is the problem? Cats keep to themselves. He says the main issue is cleanliness. He never grew up with pets and he simply is not comfortable in my place.
Art_Critic Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 If isn't allergic then the mess he would just get used to.. having cats does mean cat hair but oh well... I'm allergic to cats and my wife and I have one, she came into the marriage with one..I love him to death to the point he has really become my cat other than I can't pick him up so I pet him each night with my feet.... for hours... If he uses this as a deal breaker after 6 years together I think you should ask him what is really causing his anxiety about the relationship. If you feel that he is being genuine about the reason then you could make the cat an indoor outdoor cat so it spends much of it's time outside mousing and much of the hair will be reduced... oh.. and get a Dyson Animal Vacuum... wonderful..... and don't give your cats away.. unless he is deathly allergic or your kids are that is...
Eggplant Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 oh.. and get a Dyson Animal Vacuum... wonderful.... Yes--just vacuum the hair regularly. Problem solved. Cats are not pigs. They might pee when they're older. But you didn't mention that. And there are special ways to clean that. 1
Author dgiirl Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 I don't think it's allergies but he does complian the hair is everywhere and it gets in his eyes and hurts. This is why I changed all the towels and kicked the cats out of the bedroom. I wouldn't call him an animal hater because he is really good with them. When he comes over he refills the cats water bowl because he knows one of them really likes fresh water. And when the cats slept in the bedroom, one would sleep on his head. I would tell him not to let them do it but he wouldn't stop them. He is really protective of them. And the cats adore him. This is why I thought there was some hope after awhile. There is also some other things about my apartment that is uncomfortable for him. The bed and no central air and the fact that its not his place. So he feels like he has been living in a suit case every weekend. I would offer to go to his place but he didn't want to leave the cats over night alone. But I talked to him last night and I told him I will come to his place for the next little while and I'm also going to give him space for the next couple of days. I won't talk to him till Friday. Another issue is he hates talking on the phone and we talk every night. Admittedly, Our routine has got stale and our conversations haven't been very interesting. Neither of us know what to say besides how was your day and what was on tv.
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