along60years Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 I was in a long term relationship that ended about 6 months ago now after having to spend the last year long distance due to our jobs after living together the previous 4 years. We talk and he continues to call me "hun" and was responding I love you too any time I said it before I went NC for a month and a half to try and get my emotions under control and feel a bit better and are now talking again, but I no longer say I love you. He always answers my phone calls and seems to have a lot to say and enjoy the conversation and he usually asks to call back the next day after we've spoken for a while so we can talk some more. However, we typically talk every 1-2 weeks for a couple of phone calls and then I always am the one to reinitiate the conversations a week or 2 later. He only actually calls again when he asks about the next day or day after specifically. The last time we spoke will be two weeks ago tomorrow and that conversation ended with him asking if he should call again sometime soon (very specific, I know) and I haven't heard from him. Now, because I haven't heard I am going back and forth about whether I should wait, or call myself. Our conversations are always very nice and we talk about work, how things are going in our life, what we're worried about, our families, etc. and he is never short on words or curt with me, but we rarely talk about us or our breakup and he gets a little irritated if I try to bring up "why" again so I've just let that go. He will talk about he relationship if I bring it up, just won't rehash his reasons. He's also made a point to tell me about things he is doing in his life that I was always asking him to do (we were together 6.5 years) like quitting smoking, being more financially responsible, going to the doctor, planning to go back to school and for something practical instead of carrying on with what he did for undergrad (the degree is not very applicable in a lot of jobs). His reasons for the breakup were that he didn't want to keep worrying me and making me wait for him because he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life (we had talked about his moving where I am this coming fall prior to our breakup) and that he didn't want to keep hurting me and holding me back. Being long distance was hard on both of us and communication about how a relationship is going over the phone is so much harder. Then there was the amorphous, I love you, but I am not in love with you. So, I just don't know... any opinions?
askelina Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 I also have been in a relationship for 9 nine year of which 3 were long distance, and now at the end it seem he is becoming the man I always wanted him to be. But now someone else will reap the rewards it seems. If he says he is not in love with you he is not cause after 6 years i think he would know if he was in love with you. You should let him go i think and i know sometimes I seek comfort from my ex i want to go back but I must push forward cause he had his chance. He can make the decision to be with you (move near you) if he wants to cause he knows you well enough to know if your worth that risk of a new job ect. And you feel like you want him back i would stay it to him loud and clear and see what he says, his answer then would be final.
Author along60years Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 I hate this so much. He was the first to say I love you, his idea to move in together, the first to talk about marriage and now here we are. He is my first love and it feels like I screwed so much up because I was young and had no idea what I was doing until it was too late. Now, he wants to be the man I was waiting for, after so much effort, love, and pain and he doesn't want to be that man with me. I don't think I will ever understand... it's like I never knew him, like he woke up a completely different person and he still sounds and acts the same, but now all of our history is weightless and means nothing. What happened to commitment, sticking it out, and making a relationship work. Love is a choice, every one is just looking for a movie.
AllTooWell Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Listen for a second You need to stop talking and go back to NC. You aren't giving up, you aren't being mean, you aren't forgetting him. You are healing yourself. Right now, even if you were to get back together, things would not be the same. If you really think they would be, you're in denial and fooling yourself. If you love him, if you want to make this work, you need to go NC.You need to try and move on and work on yourself because that is the ONLY WAY that a healthy reconciliation could happen. If you truly believe this is the man for you, then he won't just go off and marry some other girl etc etc. Because he will be hurting just like you are, he will work on himself like you should, and maybe when you are both healed and better off, you can try again. Maybe you won't get back together or end up working it out. But through NC and getting your **** together you will learn to live without him and you will know that life goes on. It sucks, it sounds twisted, but the only way to get him back is to let him go. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 It was dumb to start talking to him again if you still had expectations and feelings. Stop that now. And stop trying to press talking about the relationship. The relationship you had before is over, done, kaput. You need to completely let go of that before you are in any state to talk to him again. 1
Far afield Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 My question to you, along60years, would be: what is that you want in this phase of your life and how does he fit into the picture? If you have personal or professional goals that you want to achieve and if waiting for him to possibly come back would jeopardize them, then maybe you need to think about not waiting for him any more. On the other hand, if you are content to go with the flow and think that the chance of having him back is worth the wait and the uncertainty, maybe it's okay to keep the conversation going with him at this level and see if circumstances change to allow you to be back with him.
askelina Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 (edited) I know exactly how you feel, but we dont seem to be the only ones it seems like a pattern in long relationships of young people. I told my ex that if he wants to be with me after he has changed his life he knows where to find me but I wont be waiting i will move on if I find someone who truly cares for me. I think in these type of long relationships especially if it was our first love we tend to confuse love for comfort and we are just accustomed to each other. BUT we can get out there and have a good time, reinvent ourselves even if it seems hard in the beginning and still find someone who cares be happy that you can make this step now while your still young. Good luck!! Edited July 15, 2013 by askelina
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