Mischief Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 RLS. I love you I've said it so many times over it means nothing to you anymore. I wonder if it ever meant anything. RLR! Aishteru Hime- chan. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to Cape Town. It all started there... I felt alone Maybe the empty meaningless lull of loneliness wouldn't have caught up to me after so many years. Maybe, just maybe I wouldn't have sought comfort in the arms of strangers. Mxit ( a chatroom) has always always been my undoing...I knew it clear as day, that it would be my eventual downfall. The small heartaches, procrastination and bad grades it has caused hadn't stopped me thus far...ten years later here I am, only now swearing off it forever. I wonder why i didnt listen to the thousand voices of opposition. Haha - I was alone, and I needed her - for only she could fill my soul with the undiluted bliss of dreams, hopes, happiness, love...the belonging. The past the present...the future it all made sense, it was all her doing - my undoing... January 20 2013 - the beginning of my end, maybe? It was around this time I was home for my December vacation. It was a vacation this time , for the first time in my entire life i had an actual holiday, I had one ! I enjoyed it so thoroughly I don't have the appropriate words to explain it. For with the end of it brought a new brutally dark loneliness...unlike the familiarity of the frizzled solace i had come to befriend. I logged onto mxit after a long absence, haha with that it all ended. I logged onto mxit. I went into chat. What a virtual legend I was - Jungle (chatroom name) - my stomping grounds, where me and only me, I reigned supreme. Where every girl in history ever whimpered at my feet begging to be mine. The, haha the words elude me - the multitude of lameness of all this - Mxit champ - it disgusts me that i sought virtual companionship. I logged in...I saw banter - Jungle had long since died, everyone, rightly so had grown up, and left the system. I wasn't a stranger to Cave (sister chatroom). Hey I always know how to smooth talk my way past gullible girls. Turn on the charm I did. Oh they came like moths, by the hordes, to a flame that burnt the darkest of black. But thats all they were - moths - creatures of darkness...insignificant. I logged out. I couldn't sleep, loneliness and darkness, which I so coveted, whose company I had enjoyed for years, rejoiced in. I hailed myself as the undisputed king of solace, me! Now...I was afraid of the dark....I logged in again - this singular lapse in judgement were to cost me so very very dearly. Had I only known that this trickling stream would turn into a raging torrent that would forever torment, warp and twist every fibre of my being. There she was..."Kitty:3" there she was! I was a passive bystander, she was the life of the crowd. The ogling guys literally in awe at this mystical wonder. Me? I was intent on bringing her down a notch. Vice grip choke hold! Take down the female equivalent of a jock. Haha immediately, instead of cowering to my slap-stick juggling of mockery she retaliated, haha put me in my place. She didn't know...i didn't have a "place". I kept coming. Even this nonchalant banter was such a pleasure with this she devil. Alas she recruited a friend or rather just a gate crasher to the eloquent exchange of sweet nothings we were having. I nearly left, I so very nearly left. Ignoring her pleas for a private ( where you can chat individually at any time) I never ever private...then came the one faithful, life-altering blow that softened my heart of fire and brimstone "CAN HAS" that accompanied by her answer to some random soul "I want a Phd in history" sealed my fate. I knew from that moment onward, there could be no other! She - she had, in that instant become everything in my life that I hadn't even known I wanted. Can Has! *_* That night was incomparable. I hadn't in all my 22 years...no I was still 21 at the time.. In all my 21 years of experience i had never experienced something...SOMEONE SO, SO PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL! Everyone that's anyone, she let them incite her. From the very start she was everyone's. she belonged to everyone. I just patiently bided my time...haha 'paedo-bear' after paedo-bear..some we through watermelons and grape fruit at in mockery, but most, ;she entertained. But I wasn't phased they privated her and saw her picture ogled and drooled. I hadn't seen... What i saw, what none of them had seen...i saw her BEAUTIFUL SOUL. We talked, we talked and we talked. So so beautiful ! To me - for her too......it was just her and I, absolutely nobody else in history ever mattered! I heard bird singing! What was this? Beautiful warmth of the sun upon us? How could this be? The sun was rising on me...on us.... It felt as though i had just begun talking to this beautiful lil angel, it felt as though all the celestial bodies in the universe were conspiring a plot so grand, one that would bring us...total strangers...together. I had never felt so timeless, so lost in the moment, nobody else mattered to mean so much to someone. To have such undivided individual attention. The sun had risen on us and with that, it was time to oh so very reluctantly say our goodbyes. I so vehemently refused to private her. Sigh I used to be a man of principle. No woman regardless of her feminine prowess could ever make me yield. But as i logged off, i yearned for her. An unfamiliar feeling began to stir deep within the cold chasms of my soul. This creature had begun to soften the rusted chains clenched so tightly against my heart. AND I WASN'T AFRAID ! For what I had thought was a chance encounter that would never present itself again, with all its resplendent majesty and beauty.....I was content however. Having met her would be enough. Knowing such undiluted beauty, not from the outside, but from the inside. It lit a flame that burned so bright it compelled me to take action. Little did I know of the treacherous lies, deceit, false hope, hurts, pain and unspeakable pasts that were so beautifully veiled by her chaste illusion. Someday i want to tell the story someday i want to tell it all....it hurt God it hurt so so so brutally vicious and unrelenting...it hurts...every single day I want someone somewhere somehow to know...that once I was capable of loving once I...even though I had nothing I gave her my everything...even though I was nothing to her...she was...is...sigh always always will be my everything. I love you Robyn.
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