purplelilly Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Hi All, I'm having a hard time not responding to fMM texts and phone calls. It do not want to break NC, I have apologized to his wife for my part in things, answered her questions, and offered to meet/ talk if ever she wants to do that at some point. The MM, however, has contacted me a number of times since discovery and his wife told me not to contact him. I'm pretty sure she told him the same about me. Yet he still is. As the best friend I've ever had( I know that must seem lame under the circumstances ) I don't want to hurt him. I also will not go back to hurting his wife. It's just getting super hard to turn my back. Any advice would be appreciated.
canuckprincess Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Hi All, I'm having a hard time not responding to fMM texts and phone calls. It do not want to break NC, I have apologized to his wife for my part in things, answered her questions, and offered to meet/ talk if ever she wants to do that at some point. The MM, however, has contacted me a number of times since discovery and his wife told me not to contact him. I'm pretty sure she told him the same about me. Yet he still is. As the best friend I've ever had( I know that must seem lame under the circumstances ) I don't want to hurt him. I also will not go back to hurting his wife. It's just getting super hard to turn my back. Any advice would be appreciated. Why do you think he's contacting you? Is it to get you to downplay the affair, I know my mm told his wife far less then what was really going on. Maybe he wants to blast you for telling his wife. If he's calling and texting to try to get you back then you need to forward all texts and info to his wife. He should be respecting your wishes and leaving you alone. I know if I were to go NC and my mm disrespected my wishes I would be pissed. Doesn't he realize how much damage his actions have already caused two woman. Good luck and worse comes to worse change your number or get a restraining order. Good luck 3
krazikat Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Hi All, I'm having a hard time not responding to fMM texts and phone calls. It do not want to break NC, I have apologized to his wife for my part in things, answered her questions, and offered to meet/ talk if ever she wants to do that at some point. The MM, however, has contacted me a number of times since discovery and his wife told me not to contact him. I'm pretty sure she told him the same about me. Yet he still is. As the best friend I've ever had( I know that must seem lame under the circumstances ) I don't want to hurt him. I also will not go back to hurting his wife. It's just getting super hard to turn my back. Any advice would be appreciated. Block every way that he has to contact you, so you do not even see his attempts. Then focus on doing you...surround yourself with friends and loved ones, distract yourself. Come here and read the crazy stories...put your energy into loving and healing yourself from this toxic r. 2
krazikat Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Why do you think he's contacting you? Is it to get you to downplay the affair, I know my mm told his wife far less then what was really going on. Maybe he wants to blast you for telling his wife. If he's calling and texting to try to get you back then you need to forward all texts and info to his wife. He should be respecting your wishes and leaving you alone. I know if I were to go NC and my mm disrespected my wishes I would be pissed. Doesn't he realize how much damage his actions have already caused two woman. Good luck and worse comes to worse change your number or get a restraining order. Good luck Agreed...send the texts to his wife so she knows the truth. It is so important for her to know her R is false. I know you don't want to hurt him but wouldn't you want to know the truth of your m if you were the wife? 2
So happy together Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 I don't know if it's just me, but for you to ask for NC and have him repeatedly break it shows a complete lack of respect. If you've chosen to end things and he's staying with BS then what is he thinking? I would be really angry because he is making it more difficult for you to heal from your heartbreak. I would do as others have suggested. I would block him from everything I could and then change my number if necessary. If you truly want it to be over, then you can make it happen. He's causing you undue stress and turmoil in your life. Completely selfish. Hang in there. I can't imagine how hurt you must be. And him dragging it on and on is terrible. 2
canuckprincess Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 May I ask how long and intense was the affair and how did his wife treat you when you told her?
canuckprincess Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 If you tell his wife that you've asked him repeatedly to stop contacting you and he refuses, then it's not you hurting her, it's him hurting her. You should tell her. I agree, stay strong.
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Hi All, I'm having a hard time not responding to fMM texts and phone calls. It do not want to break NC, I have apologized to his wife for my part in things, answered her questions, and offered to meet/ talk if ever she wants to do that at some point. The MM, however, has contacted me a number of times since discovery and his wife told me not to contact him. I'm pretty sure she told him the same about me. Yet he still is. As the best friend I've ever had( I know that must seem lame under the circumstances ) I don't want to hurt him. I also will not go back to hurting his wife. It's just getting super hard to turn my back. Any advice would be appreciated. Purple, it's time to change your cell number. Ignoring him is too hard. One day you will cave and return a text or a phone call. Is it possible to block him if you don't want to change your number? 1
Author purplelilly Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 Sorry I wasn't clear before with the whole NC stuff. His wife told me not to ever contact him again on the day of discovery, and I've been true to my word when I apologized and said I wouldn't contact him again. We started off as friends after he answered a Platonic ad I posted on Craigslist. After a week of emailing everyday we started talking and texting over the phone. Two weeks after my post we met, and about two months in things got physical. We would talk and chat for hours each day (during work hours and at night). I would bring him lunch and a few times made dinner for him. It was all a really out of bounds friendship, anything he wanted I would do. We would do so many things together, from going to new places, discussing books, everyday we were talking and I'd see him about 2-3 times most weeks. I never met his wife, but knew of her and would do things for both, like when I made meals and desserts and when he asked if I could clean up as a way to surprise his wife. He and I would flirt, but really I was so happy to have a friend around here and his attention I did not want to lose. He told me a number of times that he loved me, and I'd tell him he couldn't, I knew it was wrong, but he really was like family to me in the eight months I knew him, and we both clung to each other. He was helpful when I was about to make mistakes in being around the wrong people, and told me that I would have to get his approval on who to date. He was looking out for me. So after the discovery July 1st, he still has contacted me to say he misses me, to ask how I'm doing. I haven't responded but I really want to I didn't get to say goodbye, maybe that's what he wants. I do miss being around him and having someone to talk to, not the sexual stuff though that was a way for me to hand hurt I'm dealing with. It wasn't like I fell in love with him, but I love him as a person. I could change my cell number since no one but him really calls it, but the house number I have to keep for work. I don't want to seem like I'm tattling on him either, but I know I should tell his wife. I just wonder if I myself should just say please stop contacting me. I am sure she told him to stop like she told me. Sorry to ramble.
BetrayedH Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Maintaining NC is the biggest hurdle I've seen for OW. I agree with all of the methods that have been presented to you. Block his calls, change numbers, set his emails to auto-delete, etc.. I hope some OW continue to chime in because there's a lot of wisdom on this board about how to do it. I also think you need to stop looking at him as such a great friend. He used you to help betray his wife and he's still doing it. That's not a great friend. He's put you in a horrible position and continues to do so. I also recommend that you consider doing a sort of "mental NC" as well. Stop giving him your headspace. When you find yourself romanticizing the affair, force yourself to redirect your thoughts. Instead of thinking of him, think of the hurt his wife would experience by you two resuming the affair. Or redirect your thoughts to something more constructive like your career, a volunteer effort, or a hobby. Personally, I think you do tell his wife that while you are maintaining NC, it would be very helpful if he stopped contacting you. That gives honesty to her and it sends a clear message to him that you're not going to break NC even to tell him to stop breaking NC. 2
2sure Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 You sound lonely and vulnerable, and you're in a city so that's no surprise. My xH used to hook up with women he met on Craigslist looking for platonic friendships. He preyed on people in just exactly the position you are in. He had you happily and willingly making he and his wife dinner and cleaning the place up before she came home. He is a threat to you, not a friend. 2
MissBee Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hi All, I'm having a hard time not responding to fMM texts and phone calls. It do not want to break NC, I have apologized to his wife for my part in things, answered her questions, and offered to meet/ talk if ever she wants to do that at some point. The MM, however, has contacted me a number of times since discovery and his wife told me not to contact him. I'm pretty sure she told him the same about me. Yet he still is. As the best friend I've ever had( I know that must seem lame under the circumstances ) I don't want to hurt him. I also will not go back to hurting his wife. It's just getting super hard to turn my back. Any advice would be appreciated. He's being disrespectful to both you and her. You can just ignore him, block him from texting if you have that option or tell him you'll tell his wife about his messages.
veryhappy Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Where did all the above come from? She said it's not about the sex. She's lonely and he felt like a friend when she was lonely. It's a bond she formed and she needs to give it up when she doesn't really have other replacements. OP, find some classes, start doing things and this way you will meet new people. On Craigslist stick to platonic female relationships. Males online are usually fishing for more.
waytogo Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 With all respect, your English, writing and grammar skills are very good. I can't help but wonder if America/English is somehow secondary for you. Some man, a MM, any man told you his approval was required as to whom you date? Why would you see this as an authority person over decisions that are yours?!? Hopefully if his W is subject to that kind of mind-control freak, she has a way out. You're not truly even tied to it. There's nothing about CL that guarantees your safety from whomever you open the door. He is NOT your family and he is NOT your friend. He's a person waiting for an opportunity to take advantage of/harm a trusting person. Please stay clear of him.
Author purplelilly Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Hello LoveShack, I have taken everyone's advice, and do apologize for being away from this post. I have kept myself busy as of late, and have a bit to share. I did change my cellular number. That helped a bunch I suppose, because I know if I would have kept it going, I was bound to answer a call or reply to a text. It took a big weight off my shoulders. I took the advice of forwarding the wife messages and asking her to tell him not to contact to me, so that I don't break NC. That was a big step for me, because I did feel as though I was hurting my friend in a way. A silly way, yes, but I really didn't want any trouble for him or her. I just want them to be as if I never existed and messed up things for them. Her words really hurt me, and I know them to be true so I cannot blame anyone but myself. I'm American to answer a previous post. I suppose my upbringing and past have played a major role in how I view and treat men in my life. Something I know I need to address in therapy. The fMM became an authority figure of sorts, because I allowed him to be, and I really felt I need that. I cannot really tell you how chaotic life has been in the absence of order for me. I'm just as destructive as others were to me, and being alone I just don't know when to stop at times. I'm working on it now though. It has just been a major adjustment for me being out of the situations I've been in, and the newfound freedom I have seems too much to bare at times. So, recreating that type of environment and situation at times really seemed beneficial to me. It just felt so comforting when he told me he would look out for me, and that if I dated anyone he'd need to approve. It was like he was being protective in a good way though, because I was making poor decisions and he knew that. He would tell me who I could talk to, not because he didn't want me to have friends, but because he didn't want me to get hurt. He told me not to meet anyone as I did him because he was worried about guys taking advantage of me. I have really just been a complete mess.
BetrayedH Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Hello LoveShack, I have taken everyone's advice, and do apologize for being away from this post. I have kept myself busy as of late, and have a bit to share. I did change my cellular number. That helped a bunch I suppose, because I know if I would have kept it going, I was bound to answer a call or reply to a text. It took a big weight off my shoulders. I took the advice of forwarding the wife messages and asking her to tell him not to contact to me, so that I don't break NC. That was a big step for me, because I did feel as though I was hurting my friend in a way. A silly way, yes, but I really didn't want any trouble for him or her. I just want them to be as if I never existed and messed up things for them. Her words really hurt me, and I know them to be true so I cannot blame anyone but myself. I'm American to answer a previous post. I suppose my upbringing and past have played a major role in how I view and treat men in my life. Something I know I need to address in therapy. The fMM became an authority figure of sorts, because I allowed him to be, and I really felt I need that. I cannot really tell you how chaotic life has been in the absence of order for me. I'm just as destructive as others were to me, and being alone I just don't know when to stop at times. I'm working on it now though. It has just been a major adjustment for me being out of the situations I've been in, and the newfound freedom I have seems too much to bare at times. So, recreating that type of environment and situation at times really seemed beneficial to me. It just felt so comforting when he told me he would look out for me, and that if I dated anyone he'd need to approve. It was like he was being protective in a good way though, because I was making poor decisions and he knew that. He would tell me who I could talk to, not because he didn't want me to have friends, but because he didn't want me to get hurt. He told me not to meet anyone as I did him because he was worried about guys taking advantage of me. I have really just been a complete mess. You sound like you're doing well. You've maintained NC (and reinforced it, in fact). Nice job changing your cell number. And nice job forwarding the messages to his wife. All of those are great ways to finally extricate yoursdlf from that situation. And you're being introspective about how and why you got to this place in life. If you can at least identify your unhealthy coping mechanisms, you can more readily see when you're leaning towards them in the future (and avoid them). How is IC going? Last I recall, you had an upcoming appointment. A wise counselor is going to want you to replace those unhealthy coping mechanisms (searching for an authority figure to guide you) with healthier ones. Out of curiosity, any more communication from his wife? Did you end up meeting to address her questions? Did she reply when you forwarded the messages?
Author purplelilly Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Thank you so much for the advice and support. It's really been so helpful in trying to get past this as well as other things. It really is comforting to know that I'm not alone, and that folks who don't know me are willing to be so kind and supportive. BetrayedH, IC is going pretty well. I value her input and suggestions though I know there is so much progress to be made. I fear that I may be leaning on my therapist too much, so I find myself holding back and trying to cover things. I don't do such a great job of it, she must be used to the excuses I make. I may be referred to a psychiatrist, I'm keeping an open mind about that, I want to be fully functioning, not what I'm doing now, I feel as though I'm just existing. Hopefully, I'll be able to integrate into more social settings, like classes or volunteering. I just really don't trust myself around people much right now. Working from my apartment is a blessing and a curse, has me feeling all the more lonely since I don't have human contact, it's all over the phone and internet. His wife and I never met. She decided she didn't want to, and I suppose that is for the best. After forwarding the messages left, she basically wrote that she appreciated my staying out of things and letting her know what was going on, and asked that I not contact her again. I was a bit hurt by it, but understand. I only forwarded once, but I suppose I'm just really a disgusting person that she wants nothing to do with, and I completely understand and want nothing to do with myself at times, so I hold no hard feelings towards her. Just makes me all the more sad that we all didn't get to be friends as I hoped in the beginning.
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