Been 13 years...

[WellThatSucksLOL]

Well, where do I start? It's been twelve years since our breakup....in a way, I had closure, in a way I didn't...I suppose the rejection is the biggest thing, and the idea that I was the one (but knowing in my mind that I'm not) and thinking that since she just got married (yesterday) and how it's effected my currently relationship the past day or two due to me knowing my ex's wedding, how its devastated me in a way.

 

Backtracking here. I was 18 years old in 2000. I had met, and stupidity dated my younger sisters friend (we met off AOL IM). We dated for eight months, broke up in September of 2000 I believe.... I fell in love in those months. Wanted a family with her, wanted kids, a house, to name stars after her, all of that. When she broke my heart, I regressed.

 

Couldn't hold a job, had to live with parents (still do, but finally working now at age 31) and I've had a girlfriend who I love, it started out as a hook up (as I was doing a lot of it to feel better about myself) in 2007. We dated, I cheated a lot, but over time stopped doing it. I'm a flirt, what can I say? I regret and have my regrets for having been such a dog all those years. It was bad for a while.

 

Anyway, I've known of my ex's wedding date (yesterday) for a good year. It really hit me yesterday when I saw photo's posted on Facebook (not friends with anyone, and they moved out of state I think, but had the wedding here in NJ which really hit home - to me I felt the less chance I had of seeing them both one day in person the better off I'd be, especially if they lived two hours away out of state, like it had said of her fiances profile) To me, it (the wedding) felt like rejection all over again, like I wasn't good enough. That and along with my sister and her fiance losing weight for their upcoming wedding this fall, it made me feel upset. My girlfriend is the sweetest girl. I had decided not too long ago to have in my mindset that we will get married and move in, etc (or the other way around obviously) in a few years when I have money. Currently I have nothing. I'm a dreamer. I love to make movies and do them independently and have held onto that fantasy for years, doing jobs here and there, not being able to keep jobs due to my situation and the pain I've been through.

 

In a way, I feel like the breakup messed me up good. Over the years I always had felt there was a chance (even went to a "psychic" and she swore we'd be back together, and that it would take time and me taking out a credit card from IKEA and 'setting the table' and having me buy places and giving it to them - a scam, but imagine how messed up I was due to the relationship - I would do anything to have her back and I was so damn hurt and the "psychic" knew it and took advantage of me for a few hundred bucks). I thought about the breakup less and less as the years went by. A week or two ago I wrote my thoughts on paper, from my childhood to recent stuff, even about dating the girl who broke up with me. I think that didn't help as some of my emotions came out. Haven't cried about her in years and probably never will. It doesn't effect me that way.

 

You know how things are just shocking when you see something, especially weddings photos, rehearsal dinner, and smiling faces in photos on Facebook (again I'm not connected as friends, the photos are public). There's a shock value there...everything you wanted with that person was with someone else.

 

I feel that in a way I don't want her to be happy because of the rejection. I feel that if I ever see her, I want to be strong and buff and show her what she missed out on. I guess deep inside I've felt this way...and you know what? We talked a few years back...on IM, and she told me she was hurt by someone else as well in her last relationship whom she loved. We talked for a few minutes and I had told her "I love you, still do" and she said "it's time to move on".

 

I tried to add her on Facebook and she blocked me. Odd, this was in 2008. My account got deleted somehow or I think I deactivated it. Again, in 2010, she blocked me. I got onto my other personal account and contacted her, calling her a "c", telling her she's a sheep like every other drinking party "sl-t" in the world, etc. Really let her have it.

 

Then in 2012 I contacted her again (she had blocked me again by the way, for the obvious reasons) telling her I hope all is well. She blocked me.

 

I sent a message to her now husband yesterday during the wedding. He read it this morning. It showed on my FB when I went into the message inbox that it was "seen at 9:30 am". In a way I wanted him to read it, either respond or to have my ex know that I told him I'm happy for them and I hope that they are well and congrats. In a way I meant in, it a way I didn't and in a way I also wanted to see if he'd respond or block me. Nothing as of yet.

 

Because of my ex's blocking's on Facebook, I felt rejected. All I ever wanted was to be fine with her. For us to be friends and to be cool with one another. I mean, most people do that right, they're friends even after all that time? For me it felt like rejection all over again. I felt anger, like I wanted her to not succeed. All these years since the break up (which she had done because she said I was getting too obsessive - which is true, I do have those tendencies) I should be over it, no?

 

In a way, I still love her. Always will. That's just how it is. I don't know though. I don't know why I still feel this "I hope she doesn't win attitude". I'm hoping someone can help me understand this and how to get past it.

 

My girlfriend (you can basically call her fiance since we're not going to ever break up) had to be put through all of my mentioning of this past two days, and unfortunately at her birthday dinner (and that's the thing, we're real and honest, I like to be honest and to not let things build up inside, it's good to be honest and open, I've learned that from my past issues with cheating on her).

 

I'm sure inside, it hurts her. I tell her I'm not in love with her still, but I tell her it hurt a lot to know that she got married and that she was finally off the market as they said. She tells me to understand that I don't know how she (ex) is now, and that she (ex) seems materialistic and that it wouldn't have worked out today because she (ex) wouldn't even be into me because of the way she (ex) is. I cannot help but think "what if?"

 

Here's another catch. She was very young. I was very, very stupid. I was a different person than I am now. Mentally, I wasn't smart as knowing about the world or being subjected to the negative aspects of the world. Pampered by my mother in a way.

 

I hope to truly love again like I loved her. I want that for those in my life, especially my girlfriend. I couldn't expect for my ex, to have been with me throughout her high school years, nor college years, and based off me having taken her virginity, maybe that's something that she holds against me, but even that seems to be at the bare minimum not something that she probably would care about.

 

I've had a hard time these past two days. I've seen photo's on Facebook and my best friend (who actually suckered her into dating him after her and broke up with her after using her for sex) sends me photos once in a while (maybe two times in the past year) of her and her mom and photos that her brother who takes photography takes (he does this through text). He's one funny person, and he's such a jerk, ha! But that's my buddy.

 

Forgot to add, my ex cheated on me and that's why she broke up with me. I guess her "love" wasn't as strong as mine. And I want it to be now with my current girlfriend. I want to get those butterflies. But maybe I'm just too damaged.

 

Anyway, I wanted some thoughts on this whole situation. I was young, I was a different person, I was stupid and just dumb in general. A 18 year old dating a 15 year old (and this was a family friends daughter so that's why it was deemed as "ok"). My parents basically said "They're young, they'll grow out of it".

 

See, people may not understand the pain and devastation this caused me in my twenties. I was damaged. I was hooking up with a lot of chicks, to fill in the void of being hurt. I was looking for validation. My movies and wanting to be success (not famous though) was driven because of the fear that I would fail.

 

Now I'm dating a girlfriend who has body issues with herself. I'm a fitness freak. 180 pounds, 5'11", goes to work out on occasion, plays basketball, etc. My ex is skinny, tall, blonde hair. My girlfriend is shortish, has some fat, but is eating much better. She's always had issues with herself ever since being raped when she was younger.

 

I guess this weekend set me off mentally. My sister and her fiance are getting married, I'm happy for them. My girlfriend sort of feels a little bit sad about it, she wishes it were us. And I understand that and it will be some day. When they were getting ready (sister and fiance) for a wedding (ironically on the same day as my ex, just not my ex's weddings as proven through FB photos in case anyone was thinking 'maybe they just didn't tell you' lol) I saw my sisters fiance with his shirt off. He had lost weight, wasn't as chubby and had been following a work out plan that my sister has been too. She's skinny, in shape, etc.

 

So that sort of, along with the wedding, set me off mentally. I said some wrong things to my girlfriend last night when sleeping over, she got upset, cried, "I cannot believe you would only love me if I was skinny" and I said things the wrong way and I explained to her I just want us to be on the same page. Want us to be consistent. I live a vegan lifestyle. She eats cheese, has two cheat days. I feel that her ice cream and cheese doesn't help her figure. Yes, I'm materialistic in a way and want her body to be skinny and for her to be more toned. I don't feel that's too much to want, especially when I have that type of body. I think me saying that stuff was because I wanted reassurance that since we're getting married someday (don't even have to propose to her, she's waiting for me to, and she'll say yes) I want her to be toned and healthy and I want us to do things together.

 

In a way, it helped to write this and I hope to get some insight on how to not hate my ex or want her to fail? Or how to not put my girlfriend against my girlfriend and try to make her skinny and like her? I don't know if that's what's going through my mind as far as wanting that to be the case but in a way I don't want to ever be seen by my ex (if that ever happens which I doubt) and her to laugh and think "Wow, look at your life") stuff like that.

 

My girlfriend feels my love is conditional. I just have my concerns. So in a way, there's two issues here at hand. Me and my past and getting over it/letting it fully go, and me fearing things in the future.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and to respond.

Edited July 14, 2013 by WellThatSucksLOL

[WellThatSucksLOL]

Damn bruh, It has been 13 years!!!

 

Your self esteem is all types of ****ed up. Seek some therapy, read the Bible, do something.

 

Crazy your girlfriend(s) put up with all the comparisons with this ex. I don't see how something that long ago could still bother you. My opinion, it has to be something deeper.

 

Shouldn't be contacting your ex, or her partner either. Comes off stalkerish. Let them be.

 

I don't think I've healed the right way. That was/is the problem.

 

I sent her a FB message telling her congratulations and nothing but the best. If she blocks me, she blocks me. I was a real prick to her last time and I don't blame her if she blocks me again. I don't expect anything from her. I just want to heal. If that means her seeing what I wrote and understanding that I am a bigger person, then that's fine. And for me, it's healing to let her know she didn't "win", when in reality she probably doesn't even care. I don't feel that came off as stalker-ish. I just want to get past the pain of the past but it might be something that always sticks around.

 

Now you feel it's something deeper. What do you feel it could be based on what I wrote?

[lop98]

You need professional help... you seem to 'suspect' something inside you is screwed up but you keep looking for external elements to justify it and these external 'elements' unfortunately have lives of their own and get hurt... this is not about the breakup or your ex or your current gf, it's about a traumatizing experience you've been dragging for 13 years and have been unable to get past from on your own, probably because it's rooted on events older than the breakup... invest on therapy, do it for yourself but also to avoid affecting other people too.

[WellThatSucksLOL]

You need professional help... you seem to 'suspect' something inside you is screwed up but you keep looking for external elements to justify it and these external 'elements' unfortunately have lives of their own and get hurt... this is not about the breakup or your ex or your current gf, it's about a traumatizing experience you've been dragging for 13 years and have been unable to get past from on your own, probably because it's rooted on events older than the breakup... invest on therapy, do it for yourself but also to avoid affecting other people too.

 

Therapy could definitely work.

 

Where does the whole "don't want her to win" attitude come from? Why does one feel that way when it comes to break ups? Like, if she blocks me, I feel like she "wins" or if she got married, I feel like she "wins". After this block (which I anticipate) I'm done for good. I'm going to just block her husband and block her brother (whom I'm friends with on FB, we graduated the same year).

 

I think something that didn't help was writing my thoughts down in a memoir I wrote. I think it just totally brought out some memories and pains of the past.

[WellThatSucksLOL]

In a way, my healing would be her contacting me back and saying something like "Thank you ___, we appreciate that. Take care"

 

Just to know that she doesn't hate. I guess I have low self esteem.

 

I don't want to continue to have negative feels and hate, etc. To me it's not right for the person I'm with and it's not good to have inside.

[WellThatSucksLOL]

At the end of the day, life could be worse. I have someone who loves me unconditionally and I am doing well and am healthy. That's something I think about too.

[WellThatSucksLOL]

More ideas and words/feedback is appreciated.

 

I think it's that I never dealt with it in a mature way. When I was 18, it was different than when I am now at 31. I see the world differently and I think maybe I didn't heal and I finally can after this marriage of her and her fiance, now husband. It feels fine most of the time, but at certain points it feels depressing. I've heard this is normal. I don't want her back and I know I won't have her back either and I'm fine with that. I just want closure in the sense of not having to hate her, but in a way, as my girlfriend said when I talked to her about it she said, "She probably doesn't even think of you not care about you, so why would you about her?" Makes a valid point. I thnk it's because through FB, you see things you normally wouldn't see. The fact that my ex has yet to block me surprises me and makes me think "well maybe I'll get a response and she'll be civilized"....only time will tell and if it goes on with no response after two days, I'm blocking her, her husband and her brother and putting it behind me.

[Sugarkane]

Is it because she's married and you're not? That can make you question alot if things in your own life. You talk of making movies etc but have you made this breakup an excuse not to do these things? I think you should've pursued these interests no matter what.

[hellischrome]

I am sorry but the only thing I see is that your current girlfriend doesn't deserve this.

[Eivuwan]

I just saw a post of you doing and saying really mean things to your current gf and brushing it off as "I'm a flirt" or other excuses. Please go to therapy and stop hurting the people around you.

[simplyamazing]

I didn't even read it. It's been 13 years. You should have gotten over her about 12 years ago.