rilani Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Hi I am a new member to the forum and I am currently going through my first breakup. I apologise in advance for the length of this post. I met my ex boyfriend almost 2 years ago. I was extremely shy, a virgin and grew up in a pretty bad home situation. In time I found he was a sweet and extremely sensitive guy. After our first date he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. I was crushed but I blocked him and went on with my life. Months pass and by a whim I add him back and we start a relationship. I felt like I finally found someone I could care about and despite my reservations about men I feel head over heels. He became my best friend. We messaged each other constantly and couldn't be out of contact for long. He had problems with depression and spoke about wishing he did not exist. As our relationship developed the sadder he got. I remember painful conversations begging him to see how I saw him... Over the course of our 1 and half year relationship I started to get jealous about his close relationship with his best female friend. He was once interested in pursuing a relationship with her but thought against it. After numerous fights he broke up with me. I realised I was being controlling and that he needed other people..even if I felt I didn't really. I spoke to his female friend and I promised myself to never argue with him about it again. I kept my fears to myself. He had changed though. He no longer wanted to socialize with friends. He stayed in doors and was more comfortable messaging. He said the only person he needed to see on a regular basis was me. When ever we spent time together it was at his house. I'd have to ask to come over or ask to go out but he seemed not be interested. He no longer said he loved me at will. He no longer liked to kiss except during sex. Any intimacy was initiated by me. I felt him pull away from me and from his friends and asked him to see a therapist. I asked him time and time again if he would like to break up. He would always get upset that I asked but could never provide reassurance. His words were always tainted with uncertainty and he avoided serious conversations. I must add he also suffered from very bad head aches. He was forced to change his diet, lost a lot of weight and was miserable We still messaged each other constantly, we laughed. I knew almost everything that happened in his day. To my colleagues it was sickening lol. One day he said he didn't want kids this became another issue. Out of the blue it seemed he asked me If we ever broke up if we could be friends. I said no because I didn't know if i could handle it. He said I was fun and I had become his best friend now as well as girlfriend but that his question meant nothing. I was uncertain but after bluntly asking him he said he didn't want me as a friend but saw me as someone he would marry. I eventually told him he was more important than a kid that may never exist and I would chose him. He kissed me but didn't seem much happier. After asking if we could go out more, he said he didn't treat me the way he should and didn't want even want to try. How could he love me if he didn't love himself. He blame his depression and said he felt breaking up was best for me. He didn't want to drag me down. I gave him back his gifts ( we bought ridiculously expensive gifts for each other) but eventually messaged him begging that he seek help.Finally I asked if he loved me. He said he thought he did but then he thought he didn't since we broke up he thinks about me day and night. He missed me but if that meant he loved me he didn't know. All that i could think was we had sex last week....you called me every night last week. When i said i loved you you said it back. He was finally honest. I was broken. I said some harsh things. He didn't want me to hate him I told him i felt nothing and how the times we spent together weren't real if he didn't feel the same. I asked him not to message me again. I sent him an email apologising for being so harsh and requesting he not contact me. Since then he has disappear from whatsapp and blocked me on skype. I feel so horrible and yet I care about him. I really believed in him...I wanted more for him that I did myself. Part of me feels like he used me ...my time, my compassion, my interest, my care. Part of me misses him and just wants to pull him closer. I cant eat or sleep.
rastamoose Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 You tried your best. You just can't help some people that don't want it. You sound lovely, you obviously have a good soul. You did nothing wrong and you have no reason to feel bad. You shouldn't let anyone change what you want out of life. If you want kids then you should find the person that suits you best. Easier said than done. I'm just saying he obviously isn't the one for you. You will find him though
Author rilani Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 Its just that he is all alone now. He has more friends than me..I have very few... but we became so close that he told me things he could never tell anyone. I wish that I was stronger so that he could still talk to me..that we could still support each other. But i know I can't ..I can't bear to see him with someone else or to be on the fringes hoping he realises that he does love
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