suzie29 Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 My BF and I have been together for 1.5 years - I'm 29, he's 34. Everything else is great in our relationship, we have talked about marriage and we both see it our future sometime within the next 2 years. The problem - I'm not sure if it's really one, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately and would like to hear others' thoughts on it - is that he calls his first marriage a 'starter' marriage. He got married to his ex, an international grad student at the time, when he was 27. They had been dating for less than a year and were not necessarily ready to take their relationship to the next level but got married because it was the only way she could stay in the country at the time. So it was partly an immigration marriage. About a year into the marriage, their relationship started to disintegrate but they chose to remain married for the next 3 years, living separately, until she could apply for citizenship so that no red flags would be raised with Immigration. My BF says he's now ready to settle down, get married 'for real' (his own words), and start a family (which I want too). He views his first marriage as a mere piece of paper that was mainly for immigration purposes, to help his ex stay here and see how their relationship would develop. He says he now wants the real thing, a real marriage. This didn't use to bother me at all but lately I just can't seem to shake off the nagging thought that he doesn't really value marriage and only sees it as a means to an end. Am I just being silly? Anyone with any experience of 'starter' marriages, what are your thoughts on this?
SoleMate Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 (edited) I don't think your concerns are silly at all. First of all, I would ask him to be clear: Was his marriage a "starter marriage" - which would imply a springboard to a better marriage down the road - or just an "immigration fraud marriage"? Are they are officially divorced and have you seen the divorce decree? Have you spoken to the ex-wife to understand this history? Does she confirm that when they married, it was clearly considered a temporary arrangement by both that could and would be dissolved unilaterally without any concerns? Whose idea was it to divorce and exactly what was the trigger? Did they continue to have sex after the "disintegration"? Did he consider the possibility of pregnancy and what would he have done in that case? Was there perhaps a child born? What were there financial relations if any? Did he have other r/s during that 3-year period? In addition to how seriously he takes marriage, I would worry about his judgment, honesty, and ability to live up to promises. Edited July 14, 2013 by SoleMate 1
PogoStick Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Together for 1.5 years, he loves you and wants to get married. Instead you want to hold his past against him. He should have doubts about you. Is your past spotless?
dasein Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 What "end in itself" is marriage as opposed to a means to an end? It's not, never is, and no human agreements, lifetime or otherwise are ends in themselves, but rather means to achieve goals. Your BF seems to have a healthy understanding of the nature of marriage. Would try to put this concern out of your mind.
Author suzie29 Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 I don't think your concerns are silly at all. First of all, I would ask him to be clear: Was his marriage a "starter marriage" - which would imply a springboard to a better marriage down the road - or just an "immigration fraud marriage"? Are they are officially divorced and have you seen the divorce decree? Have you spoken to the ex-wife to understand this history? Does she confirm that when they married, it was clearly considered a temporary arrangement by both that could and would be dissolved unilaterally without any concerns? Whose idea was it to divorce and exactly what was the trigger? Did they continue to have sex after the "disintegration"? Did he consider the possibility of pregnancy and what would he have done in that case? Was there perhaps a child born? What were there financial relations if any? Did he have other r/s during that 3-year period? In addition to how seriously he takes marriage, I would worry about his judgment, honesty, and ability to live up to promises. Yes he does refer to his first marriage as a 'starter' marriage. His divorce was finalized 2 years ago, a few months before we met and I've seen the decree. I haven't personally met or spoken to his ex-wife at all, I've only seen her FB profile. My BF says they (mostly him) found they were incompatible on too many levels after living together as a married couple for a year. But since it was his decision to marry her so she could stay here, he wanted to do the 'right' thing and remain married until she got citizenship. He took a post-doc position for 2 years abroad while still maintaining the lease on the place where they had been living here - the ex still lived there while my BF was abroad, they had to show Immigration they had a joint lease, utility bills and bank accounts, etc. He also frequently visited while he was abroad because of the need to show proof of their relationship - when he visited he mostly spent time with his family (mom, dad & siblings) in a different state. They didn't sleep together when separated so the issue of pregnancy didn't really come up. By that time the ex had found a job in her field and was working full-time. When my BF came back to the US, he got a job in another state and they continued to live separately (ex in West Coast, my BF in the East coast where he started his new job). He filed for divorce shortly after his ex took and passed the citizenship test that year. It turned out to be a pretty amicable divorce, she claimed no alimony and they have no ties now. I've met his family, they consider his first marriage as a mistake and a lapse in judgement on his part. They think the ex just used him to get US citizenship, even though the decision to marry and remained married until she became a citizen were mostly his.
Author suzie29 Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 Together for 1.5 years, he loves you and wants to get married. Instead you want to hold his past against him. He should have doubts about you. Is your past spotless? I have a pretty uneventful past, 2 LTRs, no ONS (I don't believe in them for myself but I don't judge others), never married. I'm not holding his past against him at all. I just think it was a bit rash to rush into marriage with someone you've been dating for only a few months. Maybe it would be easier to understand if you believed that person to be 'the one' but he admits himself it was too soon to get married and he only did it so she could stay here and they could be together.
runningfar Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Him willing to have a marriage based on other considerations does not mean he doesn't and won't value your marriage. Do premarital counseling -- everybody should -- to know that you are both going in with appropriate expectations. That should clear any concerns.
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