Trusting boyfriend when ex makes accusations

[NJtoDC]

My BF and I have been together 3.5 months. We are long distance and met through OLD. 1.5 months ago I got a friend request on FB from someone I didn't know. I mentioned it to BF and he said it was a troll name of his ex, who stalks him and tries to start trouble for him. She claimed today under her real FB profile and claims that he contacts her and that he was with her last Saturday for a couple hours. She went off on a rant with a lot of accusations.

 

After taking his word that a few things I found were nothing I decided to ask him to reassure me that she is full of crap by showing me his phones text history. I could have contacted the ex and asked her to show me proof of their interaction or leave me be but I thought it was best to go to him and allow him to reassure me.

 

This did not go well. He says he did nothing wrong for me to not trust him, that he told me she was a trouble maker and stalker and I should trust his word. I tried to explain my position to him that I was asking him this time to do more than take it at blind faith that the question marks mean nothing. We have a newer relationship, we are LD, we don't have mutual friends to confirm and reassure we are on the up and up. Also, I explained that if he was still seeing her on the side he would still be telling me shes a stalker to be ignored.

 

He says his ex's liked to snoop through his things and violate his trust and he didn't believe in having to prove himself anymore. I pointed out that I was not asking to riffle through all his things, only to confirm that he is not texting this girl. If I wanted to snoop I would have, but I came directly to him when I was having a problem instead of snooping or communicating with his ex behind his back.

 

It seems he would rather have me walk away than let me see that he's not been in contact with her by text, though this would only confirm they are not in touch by that venue. Frankly, at this point he has had a chance to erase any texts she could have sent with him so showing me now might not offer any reassurance.

 

My question is: Am I being over the top to ask this of him? I only had a small doubt when she contact me today (as in, when do I stop taking his word at it with no more reasurance?) But his refusal to reassure me with anything more than his word, by showing me he hasn't been texting her, raises my level of concern. This could be a deal breaker for me if he insists on being so protective of his privacy under the circumstances.

Edited July 14, 2013 by NJtoDC

[white]

I've seen things of this nature happen a few times before. In my experience, crazy ass stalker exes are often out to sabotage their exes new relationships, yes, and they are nasty ****ups yes, but unfortunately the information they bring to light is usually true - they make sure of that before exposing it. Especially when the behaviour of your boyfriend supports it.

 

There are such crazies that would actually make up false evidence but they aren't the NSA, they lack the ability to do so and their efforts look comical to everyone.

 

The fact is the presence in a mans past of exes capable of such erratic behaviour casts a bad light on the mans own mentality. Whether they were insane to begin with or he drove them insane with the way he treated them. Seldom if ever is a man with genuinely crazy exes an innocent victim.

[NJtoDC]

thanks for the feedback. To clarify, our relationship is not virtual. We are 90 miles apart and spend most weekends together.

[Acacia98]

My question is: Am I being over the top to ask this of him? I only had a small doubt when she contact me today (as in, when do I stop taking his word at it with no more reasurance?) But his refusal to reassure me with anything more than his word, by showing me he hasn't been texting her, raises my level of concern. This could be a deal breaker for me if he insists on being so protective of his privacy under the circumstances.

 

I don't buy into the whole "you should just trust me" spiel in certain situations. Trust doesn't just magically fall out of the sky. It is built through experience. You learn to trust him because of his actions in ordinary and not-so-ordinary situations. You get to see for yourself that, when he says something, it is borne out by his actions or by external evidence. If something unusual occurs that shakes the foundations of your relationship, and if he really cares about the relationship, then he should make a reasonable effort to stabilize it. To me, what you're asking for does not sound unreasonable (of course I would have a different opinion if this was something you were in the habit of doing). The fact that he is reluctant to talk it through with you suggests either that there's some truth to the claims of the "crazy ex" or that your guy generally has a chip on his shoulder about matters related to trust. Either way, I think you have problems coming your way.

 

Based on my prior experiences, if I found myself in a situation like yours, it would be a deal breaker. Because the guy's reaction would have shown me that we just didn't share a similar enough perspective on communication. And for me, communication is 70% of the relationship.

[KatZee]

I wouldn't be so quick to take your boyfriend's words at face value. He's acting pretty defensive for a guy that has nothing to hide. If he hasn't seen his ex, hasn't spoken to his ex, he should have no problem unlocking the phone and showing you anything.

 

If he had nothing to hide he would do anything he could to put your mind at ease, and prove to you that his ex is a distant memory.

 

You say you spend the weekends together, what were you guys doing last Saturday? It it someone believable that he may have been with her?

 

Usually when something like this happens, and you are confronted with information of a partner cheating... you stay QUIET and you start doing your own investigating. You've confronted him so now if he IS cheating, he has the opportunity to take this really deep underground. To hide things, emails, texts, etc. Now you won't have the opportunity to dig things up.

 

You should have requested some proof from this girl before going to him. But what's done is done, maybe you can still ask her if she has anything to show you.

[mercuryshadow]

IMO, this is alarming. First, was he in contact with you at all on that particular Saturday she claims he was with her? Was there any lapse in communication for a few hours?

 

Second, his reaction is really not of one who has nothing to hide.

 

It's hard to say for sure what's going on at this point. I've also been on the receiving end of crazy ex antics, but all of her accusations were poorly formed and totally bogus. She was out to sabotage the relationship, and when we ignored her, she went away quickly.

 

Your situation is a bit different in that you are LD and in a newer relationship. If I were you, I'd be very cautious from this point forward and keep your cards close to you.

[New User]

Either you believe him or not. If I were in his position (and assuming everything that he said is true) I'd be done with the relationship when you asked me to prove fidelity. He can't prove that he didn't cheat and I'm simply not willing to jump every time a gal feels suspicious even though I don't have anything to hide.

 

The relationship is doomed anyway if it takes more than his reassurance for you to believe that he hasn't been faithful.You don't trust him.

[NJtoDC]

IMO, this is alarming. First, was he in contact with you at all on that particular Saturday she claims he was with her? Was there any lapse in communication for a few hours?

 

Second, his reaction is really not of one who has nothing to hide.

 

It's hard to say for sure what's going on at this point. I've also been on the receiving end of crazy ex antics, but all of her accusations were poorly formed and totally bogus. She was out to sabotage the relationship, and when we ignored her, she went away quickly.

 

Your situation is a bit different in that you are LD and in a newer relationship. If I were you, I'd be very cautious from this point forward and keep your cards close to you.

 

Thanks. Our communication on off weekends is not a lot. Could it logistically have happened? Ya.

 

I hate feeling suspicious of him after this. If she is full of it (which some of her claims seem outlandish) and really causes him all these issues the best explanation I can come up with for his lack of cooperation in proving her a liar is aggravation and annoyance that she is once again starting crap. He told me a couple months ago that she stalks him. The fact that I would now question him after he was up front is the reason he give for not showing. He says he's been snooped on enough in the past.

 

After the fact he tried to show me his texts. I didn't bother looking because it was too late to prove he didn't text her, since he had time to clean the phone it there was anything to find. I told him the next day that my trust in him took a ding from his response and he seemed more willing to talk about it at this point.

 

I told him that asking to show me his texts, not to read them all but just prove they're not in contact, was the least invasive way to prove her a liar and preserve his privacy to a degree. I asked if he is willing to rectify this trust issue, he said whatever I want. We shall see if and when I do ask for access. I told him it would take more access now, like seeing his phone records last month. He said fine, he doesn't get it why I don't believe him, but fine. Only issue is, I don't have her phone number.

 

What I could do though is ask for access to the cell phone account and write down any contact numbers from this weekend in question and research them. I hate even planning or thinking like this. Seems like too much work and ugliness.

 

He did give me his blessing about contracting her (I didn't want to go that route, since I am with HIM). I sent her a message asking if she had proof for me that he is contacting her and asking her to forward that proof to me. No reply.

 

Reasoning why I have trouble taking her word:

 

She sent me a friend request on FB under a fake name. She's had it a LONG time, and has friended his other friends and ex's. A whole persona like on Catfish. I sent a PM calling her out, telling her I know who she is and to speak her piece. Nothing.

 

She sent me a message under her real name on FB saying she see's I'm talking to her man. I didn't pursue it any further than to ask him to update his relationship status to show we are together. He did. So she (however she is stalking his page) knows we are together.

 

As much as she says he did her wrong, is all these terrible things, etc- she proceeds to say she is hanging with him in the same message? That is odd. She calls him a cheater, hates the man, knows he's with me but is still hanging with him? Hmm. She is somehow not friends with him on FB but they are still in contact?

 

So she does seem to be a stalker but her claims could be legit logistically. However, why see him if he did offer? If she is telling the truth about his charterer and past than her claims of hating him don't leave room for being chums right? So the only reason I can see such a venomous woman wanting to spend time with him is to interfere with his current relationship. I can see a stalking trying to do that. But if that is the case, I would think she'd gladly furnish proof. Again, nothing.

 

As for him: he spends most of his free time with me. He has time he could be doing other things, but I get the bulk of his free time. I've met his family, his pastor. I've heard him talk about a future together with his family (I was in the garage). He is an average wage earner who invests the time and money into driving down here after a LONG and hard week of wrenching (gas, tolls), take me out, and he used to book one of the expensive dive hotel rooms in order to come see me (I didn't let him stay here).

 

So the only thing that I feel makes me doubt him is his response to the wild ex and my request for proof. I hope he was just upset in the moment over a stalker ex causing issues again.If I can't feel settled I think I will go ahead and call him on his willingness to share his phone records last month. If he is for real about "whatever you want, but I don't get it" he'll follow through. If he was bluffing and hiding something? I will know by his refusal.

 

Oy vay. I don't want to dump a guy who is falsely accused but this drama is obnoxious. I feel my idea of copying the phone numbers from his call record is aggressive but I don't want to keep doing a back and forth trusting or not trusting. I told him, I hate this, but if he had shown good faith when I asked it wouldn't be like this now.

 

We shall see. I wish I could just forget this whole thing.

[mrs rubble]

I've been the "crazy" ex contacting the new gf before.

 

In my situation it was an old bf from 15 yrs ago, when I met up with him he said he was single and we got into a FWB type fling that carried on for about 2 years until I met up with another one of his ex's who is a mutual friend, she knew nothing of our fling and informed me he'd been in a relationship for a year! She gave me his gf's details so I told her all about our fling...which he denied. She believed his denial and they're now married....and I'm wondering who he's now screwing on the side.

 

Be very wary.

[NJtoDC]

I've been the "crazy" ex contacting the new gf before.

 

Be very wary.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you. I am being wary of this.

 

The difference I see in this situation is this woman was trolling my facebook account hard under a long established assumed name and, I assume, saw that my BF and I both posted pics of ourselves on a boat on our individual profiles a day apart without mention we were together on the trip (plus I've I've liked some of his posts), put those things together and assumed we were together. She sent me a fake friend request. Then she acknowledged that I was seeing my BF under her real name. After THAT, and my confirming her deduction by changing our relationship status on our facebook pages...then she says she was with him this time recently, in the same breath she tells me why he is such a scumbag. You know he's a 'scumbag' for 4 years, you know he's with someone, and you spend time with him and then trash him to me? Wow.

 

Her story seems to lack credibility to me. Is it possible? Ya. Just smells like crazy ex to me, which is what he said long before she contacted me. I'm struggling with this unfortunately. I just have a lot of doubt under the circumstances. If she wants to warn me she could have done it the first time she messaged me. Then she goes on to 'see him' and runs off again. I politely ask her to provide me proof he is contacting her, but nothing. Honestly, if I thought she'd give me her phone number I would ask. Maybe I will ask. I doubt she'd give it though. It would help me resolve this once for all if she is truthful though. I would check his phone records (with his blessing or "see ya!") and have an answer.

 

Sigh. We shall see. I feel I have more reason to trust him than not. I was already struggling with trust from my last relationship, so this makes it harder. I will certainly be careful. I pray that if there is anything hidden it will be revealed.

Edited July 20, 2013 by NJtoDC

[FitChick]

You both should ignore her. Block her from Facebook and keep posting photos of the two of you happy and doing things together. Maybe she'll give up.

[mercuryshadow]

I've been the "crazy" ex contacting the new gf before.

 

In my situation it was an old bf from 15 yrs ago, when I met up with him he said he was single and we got into a FWB type fling that carried on for about 2 years until I met up with another one of his ex's who is a mutual friend, she knew nothing of our fling and informed me he'd been in a relationship for a year! She gave me his gf's details so I told her all about our fling...which he denied. She believed his denial and they're now married....and I'm wondering who he's now screwing on the side.

 

Be very wary.

 

 

I apologize for the wording in my previous post. I'd never suggest that a person who comes forward and tells someone the truth about a situation is crazy. To me, though, using fake profiles and such, stalking, and so forth is crazy behavior and most often does not elude to someone who is making an honest effort to let the truth be known.

 

I read your response, OP, and since she was using a fake profile to contact you, it seems likely that she's just jealous and looking to cause trouble. Assuming you're all adults, that's very sad. And the fact that she did not jump on the opportunity to give you proof shows that she likely has none.

 

I do not blame you, however, for asking your bf to be more forthcoming with you from now on. His initial reaction was questionable. And I hate to say this, but this ex of his is HIS problem, and should not be yours. He should find a way to put a stop to her damaging behavior; it's on HIM, not you. No one should have to deal with this kind of bs as the innocent party in a relationship.