I need a hoping hand in love

[shoesies05]

I am in the midst of deciding whether or not to break up with my current boyfriend. I love him. We have been together 4 months, but when I say together I mean TOGETHER- almost always. It's been the longest four months I've ever known and I have gotten to know him so well in that time. We are only separate when he works ( I am in the midst of waiting for my teaching job to start so I'm pretty much 100% free in the meantime)

 

I remember running into him at school ( I was in college but just graduated- im 25) and seeing his face light up even before we had even gone on a date. He has always seemed so deeply passionate for me. He gives me kisses and attention constantly (a bit too much tbh). He makes me feel soooo loved, so loved in a way that I have never felt by a man before.

 

Yet, he is very jealous. He goes through my phone and asks me about every guy I text with.I don't text much btw- maybe with a couple people every couple days and maybe 5 texts back and forth tops with each person. I haven't seen a single one of my male friends since we have been together because I am afraid of how he would feel about it. Although I was supposed to once with him and then he got sick so we couldn't go (drank too much on an empty stomach...)I have only seen 1 friend since we've been together. Why? Partially because of school before until the end of May, and then it has been because I have been pretty much living at his place an hour from where I live. I don't have any friends out there and I am on a tight budget so I haven't come back to the city because of that... but it's also because any time I want to go home he seems so sad like he will miss me or he is upset thinking I just want to go out and party with my guy friends.

 

I do have many male friends. Most of us aren't close- and I am trying to make more female friends. I have gotten along with men better because throughout my life so many women have backstabbed me that I have a harder time trusting women. I am craving more female friends though because I am attractive and am tired of having my male friends wind up hitting on me (when I am single) and then my incentive to be friends with them being lost and me losing friends.

 

I have explained all of this to him and yet when he goes through my phone he always asks (if it is a name he hasn't seen before) "have you slept with him?", "Did you date him" and then sometimes asks me to show them to him on FB and then sometimes says ****ty things about them like "oh he looks like a player!"

 

He can be very immature and it drives me cray cray! Yet, I know that I am a hot head and can get pissy over little **** [i also get over it relatively fast if i am just given a bit of space]. He accepts me despite my pissiness and moods (i know its my birth control sometimes)...

 

He really would be perfect in so many ways if he was just a bit more mature and less jealous. I imagined myself marrying this man. I mean- he even took me in to a jewelry store last week to look at rings to symbolize our commitment to one another. Then when he saw the price he started thinking maybe just when we get engaged- and I got so excited over the idea.

 

BUT- we fight all the time! I mean- every day! Usually about me talking to other men. I am not flirty in the least- I am a totally loyal person and have given up so much for him so I don't see why he doesn't just trust me. He says he trusts me but doesnt trust the other men... but I feel like that's a load of crap for the most part.

 

There are other things... but ultimately I feel like I can no longer try and help him grow as an individual and be more trusting and positive about others and the world. He hasn't ever had his heart broken- I am his first love. So I don't get why he is always acting as if I am just going to turn around and **** someone else, or leave him for another man. If anyone should be afraid of it- that's me! I have had that happen to me! Yet, I trusted him like I have never trusted anyone before.

 

But now I find myself going through his phone and facebook just as he has done with me. I feel like if he is so jealous maybe it is because he is really the one that is decieving me.

 

Well... I found out he had added about 6 hott women he didn't even know. I left him. Came back when he begged me to saying he made a mistake and that he just wanted to feel like he had female friends like i have male friends. Then I go through his facebook more in detail later- he had told one of them "It would be my pleasure to get to know you" in a message that she never responded to. He said that he did it one night when he saw me tecting another guy (who tbh, I shouldn't have been because this man had previously hit on me and wasn't a real friend... so i did **** up) that he got so upset he tried talking to those women online just in moments of anger.

 

Why is it though that he went to get attention from other women? That doesn't seem very loyal to me. I dont talk to men to get theri attention- I just like to have friends!

 

Anyways- I feel that I should leave him because despite my telling him that I cannot deal with his jealousy for months, very little has changed. I can tell he tried to be better for about a week... but then it went right back to normal.

 

 

NOW TO THE REAL SHPEEL...

 

I am so afraid that I will never be adored by someone ever again in the way that he adores me. It is his adoration that has kept me with him even when he acts very childishly (as well as his amazing family tbh).

 

This is the third man I have ever loved- and each one I have loved were supposed to be the "good guy" who is supposed to be devoted and true to his woman. But my first love got englaged to me and then cheated, my second enjoyed looking at women on dating sites to imagine himself with them from time to time, as well as imagine other women while we have sex from time to time (he said 20% of the time we had sex he thought of other women), and now my third love ended up contacting another woman online as well in his frustration (although he said he never had any intention of being flirty with her or anything romantic whatsoever- but I don't trust him because then he couldve tried talking to someone he knows instead of adding random hott women he doesn't know) and doesn't seem to trust me at all...

 

I feel hopeless that I will ever find someone who loves me and can be true to me like I am to them. I feel hopeless that I will ever be cherished the way that I cherish my boyfriends.... I need hope that there is love out there- love worth fighting for. That is all I have ever wanted my whole life and now I feel like it is gone.

 

Please... someone give me hope in love.

[kassy]

Well this is quite an unhealthy relationship.

 

The jealousy issue and the petty tantrums should have had you running for the hills. Not seeing your friends at all... Not good either.

 

Get out now, he is isolating you from anyone else and soon you will be so reliant on him it will be hard to leave.

 

It's not real adoration, it's kind of sick. He also doesn't trust you. Trust doesn't have caveats.

 

Maybe in your next relationship try and have a healthy balance between time with them and time with friends.

 

There are great men out there, you seem to be missing big red flags and over investing in someone not because they are worth it but because they are there. Choose better and learn to see red flags and you will have a much better love life.

[shoesies05]

I've seen the red flags... I guess I just was hoping that he would change because I saw how much he cared and thought he would realize he was messing up.

 

I just don't know how to give up on a person in the beginning if I see that they have potential. I am too soft I guess.

 

I guess I just don't know when to leave. I always try to work things out...

[shoesies05]

Thanks you fo your response Kassy- I really believe you gave me good advice and it was helpful to hear what you had to say.

 

After writing the original post and writing out my thoughts a bit more I decided I need to leave. There are fears associated with this, but I will be happier in the end.

 

There are plenty of men knocking on my door- but most of them aren't men that I can respect to a leve of getting into a relationship with them. I respected him a lot when I was getting to know him. I still have a lot more respect for him than most guys I know- but yes, I should've still been running for the hills.

 

TBH- i have broken up with him many times. It's just he would beg for me back, cry, tell me he's sorry, that he'll change- and I believed him... I guess I just want to be with someone the rest of my life so bad that I am lowering my expectations. I just don't know how to stop wanting that passionate, ever-lasting love so strongly that I give up when the time is right.

[kassy]

Sounds like you know what to do. Happy to hear you are going to break up with him.

 

Just think if it did work out with him you would never be allowed to see your friends again... Dodged a big bullet! These types of relationships tend to get worse not better. Stick to your decision and be strong.

 

Well there is no huge rush to get into another relationship. Just remember when you choose the next man that you really want to be with someone forever... And make sure that you are being realistic that this person is actually someone who would add to your life for the long haul.

 

Good luck, I'm sure you'll meet someone great soon enough.

[sdraw108]

You're doing the right thing leaving him. You hoped he might change, but you've seen now that he won't (you've asked him to, he's tried, and he's failed - multiple times). Time to let go of that idea (him changing) and move on.