Ex came over today. We talked. Nc broken.

[lessica]

So we were together 7 years. From when I was 18 and he was 19.

 

Since about 3 months into the relationship we lived together. Were together at all times- though I went to uni and he established a good career. He had some problems with substance abuse that surfaced recently. Things became very unhealthy, was a lot of conflict. He decided he needed to get out for "both of our happiness"

 

He left, there was no animosity or bad feelings between us. Other than a bit of fear of being alone.

 

So the conversation today, a week since the break up, he turned up to grab some things I had been waiting for him to collect.

 

Broke no contact, and worse spoke for about 5 hours, he said quote:

 

"We have been living so close for so long and basically have become adults together. There is a huge amount of attachment and obligation based on superficial things that had developed because we got together so young.

We take each others actions so personally that it is killing us.

I love you and couldn't imagine loving anyone the way I love you, you are beautiful intelligent, caring, everything I want in a person. I want to be with you, but it needs to change, we have to do this.

I don't want to lose us but things can't go on this way- I don't want no contact, but I need you to allow us a few months to establish ourselves as individuals so that we can come back and pick this up from a more 'rational' and 'independent' position, where we are not dictated by attachment from spending our youth together."

 

He said it is his intention to live together again after a few months apart. He said it is the only way we can know for sure. He will commit to me, and to us in this time, but if one of us loses love for the other then so be it, at least we will know.

 

He said it is about rebuilding ourselves, if I care about someone else in that time I should sleep with them if I want (he has never been a jealous guy). If I fall for someone then it wasn't meant to be. If someone approaches him he won't be with them out of respect for me, and that the complement of being approached would be enough flattery to rebuild his self esteem.

 

He said this situation is 'having his cake and eating it too' but in the sense that things could get better, and he wouldn't have to lose me to see if it would get better.

 

 

I don't know what to do with all of this... is this typical he doesn't want to be with me but is just weary of being without me? and a bit confused? Or do you think he genuinely wants to give it ago.

 

It is really hard to know whether to go no contact or not.

Obviously there is potential that even if he is 100% genuine, and we keep in contact, he may just move on and forget about me and my pain would be drawn out.

 

At the same time if I go no contact completely I could be sabotaging a future with someone who wants to be with me.

 

I am torn. He used the word committing, but I think he was just committing to 'see what happens'.

 

What do I do with all of this!UGH!

[bluegreen]

You tell him to f... himself that's what.

You give him your best years your youth and how he feels bored unchallenged in routine same old same old is that so really ?

Instead of working with you taking a vacation to a some nice place learning new things doing new things he wants to see how outside world will be without you.

 

Sure darling sleep with someone if you care for them I will to and in few months after I have my fill of running around then I will be back commitment in my hands all ready to be with you again or perhaps now we shall see how it goes.

 

Those pills must have messed up with his head honey you got nothing to be confused about.

He loves what was but wants and is ready for new and willing to dump you to get it even to have you lost to someone else. "let him"

[Exitleft]

This is so tough, if you are all those things to him it doesn't even make sense to be on a break imo. Objectively, I would advise NC and sticking to it until you are told exactly what you want to hear. In that time you can decide for yourself if you want this as well. It's just to hard to hang on to hope with the chance of them changing their mind on you afterward. That will be unnecessary pain. He would be having his cake and eating it too. I say NC, this is what he wanted, it doesn't seem fair to let him make all the rules at your expense. Good luck.

[lessica]

See I get where you are coming from, but it is tricky.

 

I feel the same as him in a lot of ways.

 

We were together from a young age. I feel very suffocated at times, and very dependent on him, we just grew together like that.

 

I do believe we haven't had a chance to establish ourselves as independent individuals. In fact I am sure I don't want to continue in a relationship where I haven't had the chance to have some independence as an adult. And those feelings, coming from me, are nothing to do with how much I love him. I am in love with him.

 

But I am not blind to the habits we have formed together, and I didn't want the conflict anymore. I considered leaving many times. I didn't because I was/am attached, even though it wouldn't have done me any harm to go.

 

Am I delusional being open to being together in the future?

[lessica]

You tell him to f... himself that's what.

You give him your best years your youth and how he feels bored unchallenged in routine same old same old is that so really ?

Instead of working with you taking a vacation to a some nice place learning new things doing new things he wants to see how outside world will be without you.

 

Sure darling sleep with someone if you care for them I will to and in few months after I have my fill of running around then I will be back commitment in my hands all ready to be with you again or perhaps now we shall see how it goes.

 

Those pills must have messed up with his head honey you got nothing to be confused about.

He loves what was but wants and is ready for new and willing to dump you to get it even to have you lost to someone else. "let him"

 

I get where you are coming from. But he never said he would sleep with someone else/try to, he said he wouldn't. Allowing me to do so if I pleased, I think that was about him wanting to see if I really did love him, or if I would replace him easily. He said he was willing to commit to what is necessary for us to have legitimate alone time but still stay together. And that there is the risk that things will fall apart, but at least it will be a start in resolving issues, and minimizing the conflict. And if it didn't work out, at least we would know. He seems to believe that being alone for awhile will do wonders for our perspectives.

 

I cant see why someone would talk about marriage, children, moving back in after a break and saying they would do whatever it takes to make it work if they have no interest in reconciliation. It almost seems like he views it as a means to a better life together. When he left he said he would fight for us, if we are meant to be it would become obvious with us being independent and actually wanting to be together, rather than living in habit.

 

We are both well aware that we need to be prepared for the possibility that one of us, or both of us, will not reconciliation in the end.

 

Am I blinded here? I feel like if this wasn't important to him why would he bother...

[Exitleft]

See I get where you are coming from, but it is tricky.

 

I feel the same as him in a lot of ways.

 

We were together from a young age. I feel very suffocated at times, and very dependent on him, we just grew together like that.

 

I do believe we haven't had a chance to establish ourselves as independent individuals. In fact I am sure I don't want to continue in a relationship where I haven't had the chance to have some independence as an adult. And those feelings, coming from me, are nothing to do with how much I love him. I am in love with him.

 

But I am not blind to the habits we have formed together, and I didn't want the conflict anymore. I considered leaving many times. I didn't because I was/am attached, even though it wouldn't have done me any harm to go.

 

Am I delusional being open to being together in the future?

 

If you both mutually feel the need for a break then what is so scary about NC? I really think being away from the other person will either give them a chance to miss you and want you back or to help you see that maybe it wasn't all that great after all.

 

I know how you feel. You will make the right choice for yourself and most people here will tell you NC is the way to go.

 

I don't think you are delusional hoping for a future but again, I think most of us on here have. It seems to be one of the stages in recovery tbh. I know I had hope at one point and this week I am in a very different frame of mind concerning what I want, it is not my ex.

 

I still love her, it still hurts. But I did away with hope and it has been a help to me personally.

[JDPT]

What is this game he is playing? honestly, I see this as game. I don't understand it but I think it's just one of those thing that only you and him will know. From what you've disclosed I believe you guys are in the same page, perhaps you started off at a very young age and did give each other the opportunity to experience life, I quiet honestly believe this is what it boils down you guys need to experience life. And don't want to lose your loved one in the process, this is just part of your dilemma. I think you need to further analyze is this is the person you need to be with based on history. Sadly at this point I believe you are on your own to make this decision and it will take time for you to gather your thoughts and start setting boundaries for your own good. Take this time, NC, collect your thoughts and figure out what it is that you want to do, and view it from all angles, do you see yourself going back to him? how do your forecast this relationship will endure adversities? Are you prepared in case he decided to pack up and leave again? Take your time and figure yourself out.

[lessica]

You know what, I am not prepared to be walked out on again, I am not prepared for the ups and downs, and I am not prepared for the emotional turmoil that comes with it. I am stunned that within the space of half a day the hope from speaking to him disappeared. All I could think was this is wrong wrong wrong for me.

 

Most confusing is that, you would think at this point I would be crushed by the break up...and looking for any chance of hope, and any offer that wont leave me lonely. That devastation that I was so scared of just hasn't come. I wonder if it will come later? Thoughts?

 

It is possible that I have been emotionally guarded with this person for quite some time because they have been so up and down and it just use to hurt too much.

 

He has text me a few times since he left this morning, and I just couldn't reply, I had absolutely no urge to. It felt like-pointless.

[JDPT]

I felt the exact same way as you are feeling now. I felt liberated, empowered, great to be done with the relationship but in time I think all that joy faded away and you start facing reality, life without this person whether is was good or bad. And this is where I am at this point, I'm second guessing myself and overanalyzing something that I was so certain about the first week or two of the break up when I felt amazing to be single again. Now, I'm not stating that this will occur to you, just be vigilant of any changes in you and put your feelings in check immediately for your own sake.

[Exitleft]

The feelings will come in waves and they will repeat for a while. It's normal, you don't hope now and later on your mind may change again. It could change a few times today even, this process is erratic to say the least.

 

I didn't cry last week but had a break down yesterday on my 9th day, felt good today and had some normalcy.

 

Just take your time and please try to see NC through no matter what you feel. Just keep posting, soon enough you will become exhausted with processing it all as well. Feel better