I have never felt such pain, guidance?... :(

[Bojeebus]

I will try to make my story as brief as possible because I know that the longer ones can become quite cumbersome. I first met my ex about 3 years ago. I felt magic and something click that I have never felt with another woman. We got together and after about 2 months we moved in together. We shortly after that became pregnant with our son, this was not planned and I already have a daughter from past relationship, but I love kids and we of course agreed to have him.

 

There were several fights throughout our 3 years and one break up for 4 months about 1 year ago. She left me this particular break up. My ex is one of those people that has a tough time being alone. I can't fault her, I'm one of those people too I guess lol. During this particular break up, she left me. Then we began talking and she asked me back several times. At the time I was not ready, still a bit angry I guess and didn't reconcile. After about 5 weeks, she met another guy and it was the worst pain in my life. I always knew I loved her but it didn't become glaringly obvious how miserable I would be without her until this happened. I accepted the relationship, began seeing a counselor and took the counselor's advice. I stood by her side as a friend and a good father to our son for four months. The counselor told me to be there for her, be a good dad, and just show her that even as a friend she was the most important thing in my life. I know this is not your standard advice given on these type of forums. Believe me I've read countless posts on this forum and others during a heartbreak, so I know the standard advice "NC, Don't contact unless they want reconciliation, don't let them give you bread crumbs, etc" type of statements and theories. I also know that these theories are often to get over the person and some believe in order to get them back you must heal first. The counselor I was seeing knew of these theories but also disagreed in my situation, because we have a child together and the particular circumstances. One last important detail is during this break up I wanted to say that my ex said the most hurtful things to me in the beginning. If I had taken her word, I would have given up. Such as "You will never have another chance, I love you but not in love with you, This is through for good and we will never be together again, etc" The counselor said that it's not the words that matter, it's the actions. And her actions were that she still continued to come over and visit my son, continued to be a friend, and was even receptive to meeting me for smoke breaks and things at work as a friend..(We worked for same company, different areas.) Eventually I began to do other things for her that my counselor suggested, taking her a flower. Bringing her coffee and other little surprises to work, "all as a friend." Eventually she began coming to counseling sessions with me and shortly after that decided to end it with the other guy. We then were friends for a little while longer, then began to date, then we reconciled and my misery ended. The next year, except for the last part of it, were amazing because I had bounced back from such tremendous heartbreak and won this woman back.

 

Side Note: ---- I know sometimes we see relationships through rose tinted glasses when we miss them. I don't have as much experience as I'm sure some of you do, but I do have enough experience in two long term relationships to know that it's the day to day stuff that matters the most. I feel like with this woman day to day I really loved her and I know she loved me. Yes we had fights but there was real love there and I feel like on a daily basis it was there.

 

OK, so fast forward to the current situation. We reconciled for a year. We had fights but allot of the year was great. I guess the main thing is I feel like allot of these problems are my fault. I tend to shut down, I stopped doing the things I was doing in the beginning. I guess I didn't really change like I should have...Now she has some faults as well, but I take allot of the blame for this one. I became very stressed, I had allot of work stress on me along with some other stressors.

This current break up I left her. I left to try and work on me and fix things with us. I told her this. I continually told her that I wasn't leaving forever, I just need to get a handle on things. I'm not going to see anyone else, etc. The initial break up was messy and heated of course. We began to split custody of our son. There were several times during this separation that we talked or hung out. Probably about 2-3 weeks in we hung out, we kissed and cuddled. I wasn't sure if I was ready and that meet up ended badly. At about 2 months of separation, she texted me wanted to call me. She then told me she missed me and knew that it wasn't being alone. It was that she really missed me. I also told her I missed her. We then began talking again and it was smoother but still some tension because of living separately.

 

Ok, at about 2.5-3 months separation we were still hanging out. We hadn't had sex during the separation and each time we hung out even in the beginning it was just kissing or cuddling. There was 1 week where I spent the night over at her house twice. Again just cuddling, saying I love you. She texted during the day that she was actually happy while at work, etc... I had some major stress go on with my living situation and for a week I was not as available to her. She had a stressful week that week as well and it was not good for both of us. After that week, I came back to tell her that I really did want to make this work. She said it was too late, she had met another guy...

 

So present and to catch everyone up with where this situation is currently...The new guy is someone that she met in 2008 but it didn't work then because they were in different places she said...I did all the dumb mistakes in first couple of weeks. Begging, pleading, etc... All stuff I did the previous time and I know in the long run doesn't really phase the outcome. I last spent the night at her house on May 3rd, May 27th her relationship status changed to in a relationship with the new guy. I say those dates because this thing has moved quick...After about 2 weeks together he moved in with her! This means he has been living with my son half the time, taking him to daycare, etc...The previous time this happened when she left me the relationship never go to this level of seriousness but also the fact that they have moved so quick to me is a plus...

 

I have played it nothing but cool. I have been a great dad. I have said nothing about the new guy and if anything reacted positively. I have respected her decision and I am also seeing the same counselor as before in the previous situation. I also have insider information from her friend. That my ex even told her a week or two before she met guy that she totally loved me, and was hurting because she is not sure if we will ever be happy or work. She also said to the friend that I became selfish, self righteous and made her feel small. That I used to make her feel special, make her laugh, etc..

 

In conclusion, I totally realize or feel at least that a large majority of this is my fault. There is something wrong with me that tends to shut down, that tends to run in conflict and it seems to be some of our problems. These are the things I am working on even now in therapy. I also realize that this girl poured her heart out to me for a couple of months and I sort of continually rejected her to some degree even though I still told her that I wanted to be with her and no one else.

 

So, if you made it through my long story this is where I stand. I love this girl with everything in me. I have never been so certain of anything in my life. I also know that she loved me and probably still does. Currently she has been with new guy for about 2.5 months. I know they have had a couple of fights but nothing serious. She was initially my friend like the previous break up but dude got a little jealous so she stated she wasn't going to be my friend this time for now. She stated that but has still continued to be my friend sort of low key... As of this weekend, she out of the blue asked if I could bring our son to the park and my daughter from previous relationship because she really wanted to see her. I assume the new guy will be there which is fine, will probably be more awkward for him. Since it will be like we were our old family, and he will be kind of on the outside. This is the first weekend on my custody weekend (We share 50-50) that she has asked to see him. She came to my apartment a week ago and brought my daughter birthday presents. We always hug when we see each other? I love her so much that if I ever get another opportunity, I will marry her. I have allot of regret over the whole thing. I know most of you will tell me to move on. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I am willing to put myself through this misery one more time if we get another chance. But anyone have any insight or advice for me while I'm in all this pain? Or any similar situations?

[eleve82]

You two have a lot of history and strong ties (a child together). I'm not going to tell you the standard "move on" spiel but before you make any attempt to get back with her, you need to resolve this issue of you cutting her out / shutting down when things get rough. If you mess up again there may not be another chance. Has your therapist given you suggestions on curbing such responses to stress triggers?

[along60years]

Relationships take two people and you can not take on all of the responsibility for the problems the two of you had. Sometimes, no matter how much two people love each other, they just don't match up any more. It can be timing, growing up, going through other life changes, etc. and sometimes we cling on to the idea of a perfect family or the fantasy we see in movies. It is not always that simple. I think you need to focus on yourself now, be a good father and figure out how to be happy on your own. I think both of you missed that important step, in that you are responsible for your own happiness and finding someone to "give" it to you won't work in the long run. You just end up 2 unhappy people blaming the other person.

 

Maybe things will work out and maybe not, but it seems you both have gotten together and broken up and been to counseling enough to know that the two of you together just doesn't work right now. Don't take all the blame and don't put it all on her, just working on being the best person you can be and if she decides to do the same maybe you two will work out. You have a lot of history, but no relationship can run on memories alone. Sucks, I know. You have a chance now to grow as a person, you should take it and let the other stuff work itself out.

[Bojeebus]

You two have a lot of history and strong ties (a child together). I'm not going to tell you the standard "move on" spiel but before you make any attempt to get back with her, you need to resolve this issue of you cutting her out / shutting down when things get rough. If you mess up again there may not be another chance. Has your therapist given you suggestions on curbing such responses to stress triggers?

 

I just started back seeing my therapist. I had stopped seeing him due to financial stuff and the fact we were doing good. Probably a mistake. He has not given me specifics but has told me that when I get like that I should have been in there talking with him. And that I will remember that the next time...

[happydate]

Both of you need help. Both of you need to see a therapist together; maybe a specialist in hypnotherapy or into E.F.T (Emotional Freedom Technique).

 

Both of you have issues with self-love, because both of you can't be alone. A healthy male or female who has no repressed emotional issues can be alone. They don't need external sources of love. This is why both of are attracted to each other. She needs you like a drug and you need her. You both are addicts. You both aren't really lovers per se. What if you are somehow cured of your emotional addiction towards her? Will you love her the same way? Perhaps you will see a huge difference between you and her that you won't. Men that are attracted to her are like you; they too need a woman to complete them. Men who are comfortable with himself will find your girlfriend a train wreck. Imagine a woman jumping from one man to another, sleeping with no conscience and and leaving the man in a heart beat and then coming back is not a normal behaviour of a healthy woman. A healthy male won't consider her as a viable mate.

 

If you decide to be with her, expect a lot of heart aches and that's what a train wreck will do to you. Unfortunately, you had a son with her so that complicates things. The best you can do is be a good dad around him, but he will learn the same exact things you thought him because he is a good observer. Look for a woman to complete him as well as your daughter looking for a guy to complete her.

 

My best advise is to heal yourself and get help and be willing to follow through and demonstrate to your kids that you can be alone and be happy and that a mate is a companion to complement you NOT to complete you. No one can.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited July 15, 2013 by happydate