marriednow Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 I've been married to my husband for 4 months. I'm already very unhappy. I feel like I'm the only one managing our relationship (finances, direction, etc.). I'm sick of feeling like the "boss" here. He can't make a decision on his own. He procrastinates. He is too afraid to go an pursue a career. He's British and we live elsewhere so he's afraid to learn to drive because of a minor fender bender we were in over a year ago. He's 28 years old. He didn't act like such a sissy before we got married. Now he has to ask my opinion on the most menial tasks, like whether he should pour a glass of water or glass of tea. We dated for 2.5 years before we got married. There were no red flags. Now I just see him as weak and pathetic. I don't like to be around him. What do I do? Why has he regressed from being a man to being a scared little boy? I've brought these things up before and he says he'll do better but I haven't seen a change. I'm trying very hard not to say ugly things to him. I don't want to hurt him, I want him to act like an adult. I want to leave him. I don't want to be taking care of someone constantly. I didn't sign up to be his mother. Any encouragement or advice would be appreciated.
amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 You need to calmly discuss this with him. Have you expressed your feelings to him at all in a calm rational manner? He can't read your mind, you know?
Author marriednow Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 many times about this and have put a lot of thought and care into how I'm expressing my thoughts to him. He looks sheepish during the conversation. He promises he'll do better. The next day things are back to the same. I can't even get him to drive the car 2 blocks from the house. He is all locked up.
amaysngrace Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Then threaten him with a seperation or divorce if he won't change or at least see a MC because you can't live this way. It's not what marriage is suppose to be at all...marriage is a partnership. Make an appointment together with him there so he can't back out of it. You're only suppose to be having sex right now. 1
pie2 Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Will Try That Next Which will you try next...MC or separation/divorce? I hope things improve. I pray that you guys can make it through this without a separation or (goodness) a divorce! Have you been a little hyper-critical of him? Even if you don't think you're expressing yourself, do you think he might be feeling it? Did he grow up without a father (husband) influence? Personally, I think positive encouragement is the best way to motivate someone. Anytime he's participating in the marriage as a strong partner, make sure he knows!
Author marriednow Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 (edited) I admit I've been a bit critical but not overly so. I remind him I love him and things don't work without trying. He had an absent father and his step-father recently left his mom. And he's just gotten out of the Royal British Army after six years. But I'm not his commanding officer, I'm his wife. Does he expect me to bark orders at him like a drill sergeant? I don't know. I understand this is a lot of new stuff for him, but's it's new to me too. I manage this marriage alone. I prepare for it's future alone. I am all alone. And he is just bewildered. Edited July 14, 2013 by marriednow 1
pie2 Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 I admit I've been a bit critical but not overly so. I remind him I love him and things don't work without trying. He had an absent father and his step-father recently left his mom. And he's just gotten out of the Royal British Army after six years. But I'm not his commanding officer, I'm his wife. Does he expect me to bark orders at him like a drill sergeant? I don't know. I understand this is a lot of new stuff for him, but's it's new to me too. I manage this marriage alone. I prepare for it's future alone. I am all alone. And he is just bewildered. Oh, yes...it's a lot of adjustment for anyone, and especially given the circumstances you've mentioned. You aren't to blame, by any means. It's just that patterns of dealing with problems tend to creep in, and we don't even realize how our own actions contribute to the situation. I'm so happy to hear you want to give MC a try. I think it'll be such a benefit for not only the M, but you're H's general adjustment as well. 6 years in the military (and especially if he was in combat...?), I'm sure he's trying to get his feet on the ground. Add on top being a newlywed, his mom's problems, and a possible less-than-perfect example from his childhood, I can only imagine his reservations about fully stepping up to the plate. But you're absolutely right...you can't be a drill sergeant. I wish you both all the best. 1
Recommended Posts