hellischrome Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 So, a few of you know my story already. Been together for 6 months after being close friends for 7, both finished very long term relationships back in our country to stay together. 6 months of fighting and arguing everyday, but in the end we always stayed together. 10 days ago he went back to Italy and dumped me saying he had to do this trip alone cause he is doing therapy to find his life balance again. He came back 2 days ago and we met. We spent an awesome night+following entire day, just as if we were a happy couple. At the end of the day he repeated what I already knew: he doesn't want to stay with me now,he has personal issues he needs to solve, and he doesn't want to go through therapy knowing that he is still bonded to me. He said he can't make me happy now because he is not happy. He said that when his issues will be solved and when he will find himself again he will get back to me, with either a -Now I know I am sure I want to stay with you- or a - Look I realised I am sure I don't want to stay with you and that's it-. He said he is not asking me to wait for him, because that means giving mean hope that he cannot give at the moment and doesn't want to hurt me. Plus he has no time frame, one cannot wait indefinitely. He said he just hopes that if and when he realises he wants me, it won't be too late (ex. I moved on already). In order to manage to do so he said NC would be the best to clear his mind, but he said that I can do what I want and text him if I want to, cause he will always be there for me. He said that I will decide if I am waiting for him or if I want to force myself to move on but he doesn't wanna know, because again he doesn't want influences and doesn't want to hurry things and then hurt me again. Now, on one side I know that he is doing the right thing. Staying with someone if you are not sure about it it's the worst thing you can do to you and to the other person. BUT I am really suffering at the moment, because I am afraid that the only result will be me waiting for him in the dark for months, not really being able to enjoy my life without him. And in the end he will one day, maybe in MONTHS from now, get back to me and say - oh, by the way... sorry, this is it, I don't wanna be back with you EVER, I realised that-. I know his therapy should be over in 3 weeks, but still I don't know if it's right to get back to him in 3 weeks and ask if anything is changed... that is not what he asked me to do. I told me I wanted a closure like he telling me - This is it, go get a new life, I don't wanna stay with you and that's it-. He told me he cannot say that because that would be a lie. I just feel like if I don't do anything, everything will be ruined and over forever and I don't want that. Please, does someone have thoughts about that?
AllTooWell Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 This is going to be harsh. This guy has told you he doesn't want to be with you right now. At this precise moment in time, he does NOT WANT YOU. It doesn't MATTER if he's going to want you back in 3 weeks or 3 YEARS. Right now, which is all you have, he does not want you. No you should absolutely not contact him. You are making yourself look unattractive by being so available to him. You should cease all contact and remove him from your life. Go No contact, start healing, and start moving on. You fought for 6 months straight, have 2 okay days together, and you suddenly think it's all better? Girl you need to go and get your **** sorted before you crawl back to him. Contacting him will push him further away. You need to do some serious self work. You need to get yourself into a place where you are okay with or without him - you are happy and do not need someone else to make you happy. 1
StrongLass Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 I just feel like if I don't do anything, everything will be ruined and over forever and I don't want that. IT IS OVER, he ended it remember? THREE TIMES AT LEAST!! All you can worry about right now is yourself. That's what he's doing for himself too. When it comes to breakups like this NOBODY should be putting their lives on hold. Your ex has had multiple opportunities to prove that you're his number one but sadly he's incapable/unwilling/whatever. He's also being somewhat selfish by being so wishy washy, but I suspect that's also to alleviate some of the guilt he's probably feeling by now. Focus on the non-romantic aspects of your life (family, friends, career, hobbies etc.) and improve them. Consider taking up volunteering for a cause you believe in. If someone catches your eye while your doing all of this? So be it. Go for it & don't feel guilty. You're not the one who ran off (again...) and ultimately it's your life. Don't live it in the shadow of a torch you're holding for someone who treats your heart like a revolving door. They'll send it spinning every time
Author hellischrome Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 First of all thanks for taking the time to read it all Yes I understand he does not want to be with me now. He told me a few times already, but that "now" really bothers me. That way he is keeping me there quiet and in the hope of having him back one day. I will not contact him anyway, not at this moment, but I don't know what I am going to feel in 2 weeks or 3 months or whatever. I am ceasing all contact now. I am not even willing to keep the relationship with his brother, who I was friend with. No I didn't think that 2 days over 6 months was the sign that it's all better, but "better" has to start somewhere so I thought we could try given that we are going to have new circumstances (he is starting his new job tomorrow, which was the biggest source of anxiety for him, and he is doing therapy). That I have to sort my s*ite out it's something I am quite sure of. I cannot go on like this, I normally tend to be an unsatisfied and sad person, but not at the point where I cannot enjoy the time with my friends. I know I need self work but I don't even know where to start from. Back home I've seen a therapist for months, here I cannot afford it. I am the kind of person that is terrified by a Saturday night home alone because I feel abandoned by everyone, and my family lives 14.000 km from here. I know I HAVE to be ok without him, and if he comes back and I still want him, that's perfect then. Otherwise I will be happy anyway - so it's good as well. The only thing I really love is traveling and I can't do it here because a) I work full time b) I am in Australia, which is pretty much far from the rest of the world. I booked 5 days in New Zealand in 3 weeks time, and only the thought of it makes me feel better. But still the truth is that I have to do self work and I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to improve the non - romantic sides of my life because before this guy I've been in a relationship for 7 years and 3 years before that one, so being in a relationship is pretty much the only way I know.
AllTooWell Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 First of all thanks for taking the time to read it all Yes I understand he does not want to be with me now. He told me a few times already, but that "now" really bothers me. That way he is keeping me there quiet and in the hope of having him back one day. I will not contact him anyway, not at this moment, but I don't know what I am going to feel in 2 weeks or 3 months or whatever. I am ceasing all contact now. I am not even willing to keep the relationship with his brother, who I was friend with. No I didn't think that 2 days over 6 months was the sign that it's all better, but "better" has to start somewhere so I thought we could try given that we are going to have new circumstances (he is starting his new job tomorrow, which was the biggest source of anxiety for him, and he is doing therapy). That I have to sort my s*ite out it's something I am quite sure of. I cannot go on like this, I normally tend to be an unsatisfied and sad person, but not at the point where I cannot enjoy the time with my friends. I know I need self work but I don't even know where to start from. Back home I've seen a therapist for months, here I cannot afford it. I am the kind of person that is terrified by a Saturday night home alone because I feel abandoned by everyone, and my family lives 14.000 km from here. I know I HAVE to be ok without him, and if he comes back and I still want him, that's perfect then. Otherwise I will be happy anyway - so it's good as well. The only thing I really love is traveling and I can't do it here because a) I work full time b) I am in Australia, which is pretty much far from the rest of the world. I booked 5 days in New Zealand in 3 weeks time, and only the thought of it makes me feel better. But still the truth is that I have to do self work and I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to improve the non - romantic sides of my life because before this guy I've been in a relationship for 7 years and 3 years before that one, so being in a relationship is pretty much the only way I know. And because a relationship is all you know you are now damaging your self trying to keep it. Go get a hobby and make some friends. You like to travel? What about hiking? Do some adventuring, do things you've always wanted to do. No one would want to come back to someone whos been sitting there literally waiting and doing nothing, no offense. Go read other threads on here. This whole "not now but in the future" thing is COMMON. It's not just you who has heard this line (I heard it from my ex of 3 months now too.) It's good that you're cutting contact. I know that it is really hard to let go and move on but that is both the only chance you have at reconciliation and the only chance you have at being okay. "The only way to get your ex back, is to let your ex go."
Author hellischrome Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 Yeah I used to be sporty, I do fencing but I was too depressed to do it lately, I am getting back there tomorrow to do training in team, I know it will do me good! Now it's time to heal but also to move on, because things have been awful for weeks. It didn't come unexpected, that's a big help. Thanks a lot to both of you...
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