Boyfriend pushing me away :'(

[academicmoss]

Hey everyone. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He's 35 and I'm 31. I'm very much in love with him but over the last several months our relationship has fallen apart. We've been through a lot together and I hate to think that after everything we've dealt with it's gone in the blink of an eye. He's been out of state (on work) since Feb and within that time I only get to see him once a month, and haven't saw him since May 26th. This has taken a toll on me emotionally and I started nagging him constantly, accusing him of cheating with someone there (almost daily) and was over-analyzing every single thing he said and done.

 

He got tired of it and has now pushed me away. I feel like he's forcing me to move on with my life. This has been going on, on and off, for several weeks and he does have a history of this, as he did this in past relationships and he was abandoned by his mother while growing up. His ignoring my texts, and neglecting me is making me contact him more (i know i shouldn't) and after about 10 texts or so he'll send me a text saying what he's currently doing and that he'll hit me up later, but when later comes he finds some reason not to talk to me. I do fully understand that he doesn't want to talk to me because of my attitude over the last several months. When I used to accuse him, he'd reassure me and basically kiss my ass. Now, he's neglecting me and letting me self destruct, and it hurts like HELL.

 

He's moving back to town next Wednesday, which makes all this so crappy because we'd finally be able to see each other weekly and try to be like we used to be. While he's neglecting me and making excuses he's also telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, and then it ends there. He said something to me last week; "you'd be the perfect girlfriend, like I'd marry you today, if you were a mute". Those words have stuck with me the last couple of days. He also told me that all I am anymore is a "cuddle buddy" and some "pu$$y". This is true, I haven't been very loving over the last few months.

 

There's been NO sign of infidelity, the only time he's ever mentioned women is like celebs he finds attractive, so it's only what my mind conjures up after a fight or if he doesn't text me back within 5 hours. This man used to contact me NONSTOP, he was always the initiator. He told me last week he'd like to be able to talk to me like he used to but can't because I twist everything around. It's been a week without any real communication at all. He text me last night and said he'd hit me up on xbox, after begging him (as when things are okay with us we play cod/party together) and come time for us to chat he goes offline and sends me a text telling me he has to charge his batteries, there's always an excuse lately. He voice text me this morning at around 8am apologizing for falling asleep and that he'd talk to me today/tonight and yet again, there's nothing. He said in the msg this morning he loves and misses me, so I try to take that as a positive but he's still a million miles away. He's keeping me at arms length, I do know this. What should I do now? I don't want to just delete everything and disappear on him come morning, but I've been crying all day. I'm hurting so bad. I know my mouth/attitude has caused this, but how can I bring him back to me? Please don't say anything such as he's cheating, or anything mean. I'm seriously heartbroken right now and I really need some support.

[KatZee]

Honestly, the problem is all you. You are deathly insecure and codependent and you've allowed your insecurities to ruin this relationship.

 

What guy wants a woman who accuses him of cheating every single day? Your insecurities are NOT his problem. He shouldn't have to reassure you every single day that he's so in love with you, he shouldn't have to kiss your a.ss because YOU have problems.

 

Instead of making the best of the current situation, you've made it miserable.

 

You sound incredibly needy, clingy, paranoid, and distrustful. Has he ever done anything to warrant your behavior? If not, he (again) shouldn't have to be punished because you have issues.

 

It seems like you've gotten real comfortable with him contacting you 24/7 and him chasing you. This is not healthy behavior. In the beginning, maybe, but as time goes on people go back to their life routine. He has a life, he has things going on, he's away doing work, and instead of being able to focus 100% on that, he has to coddle you while you nag and whine and cry at home.

 

Where are YOUR friends? Why are you not out making a life for yourself and keeping yourself busy? You shouldn't be clinging to a phone demanding he respond to you immediately every single time.

 

Yes, you've pushed him away. And you're not doing ANYTHING to remedy the situation. You're getting worse. He's pulling away, and you need to mirror that behavior. Stop chasing after this person who clearly wants to be away from you right now. Continue what you're doing and I assure you that you WILL be dumped... if he's not thinking of doing it soon already.

 

You really need to acknowledge and adjust your behavior, figure out what makes you so needy/clingy, and think of ways to fulfill your own life without having to rely on him for entertainment/love/validation.

[sweetheart5381]

Honestly, after 3 yrs I would think that some time apart with him working out of state would be ok in your relationship. He has stood the test of time, imo.

 

Why do you feel so inclined to accuse him? Has this been a thought you had all along? Has something triggered it?

 

Its really hard to live with a person that constantly accuses or is suspicious all the time.... its nerve-wrecking and to walk on egg-shells is exhausting.

[curlygirl40]

I'm agreeing with KatZee here.

 

I think you should not contact him at all and wait until he gets home Wednesday. Let him do ALL of the initiating. Have some dignity and respect.

 

When you've gotten yourself deep in a hole, stop digging. Just stop.

 

You need to work on yourself. I can't believe you're 31.

 

If there's a chance of salvaging a relationship, I think you need to step back. Maybe with some distance you will have some clarity about the situation.

 

Good luck!

[academicmoss]

Honestly, the problem is all you. You are deathly insecure and codependent and you've allowed your insecurities to ruin this relationship.

 

What guy wants a woman who accuses him of cheating every single day? Your insecurities are NOT his problem. He shouldn't have to reassure you every single day that he's so in love with you, he shouldn't have to kiss your a.ss because YOU have problems.

 

Instead of making the best of the current situation, you've made it miserable.

 

You sound incredibly needy, clingy, paranoid, and distrustful. Has he ever done anything to warrant your behavior? If not, he (again) shouldn't have to be punished because you have issues.

 

It seems like you've gotten real comfortable with him contacting you 24/7 and him chasing you. This is not healthy behavior. In the beginning, maybe, but as time goes on people go back to their life routine. He has a life, he has things going on, he's away doing work, and instead of being able to focus 100% on that, he has to coddle you while you nag and whine and cry at home.

 

Where are YOUR friends? Why are you not out making a life for yourself and keeping yourself busy? You shouldn't be clinging to a phone demanding he respond to you immediately every single time.

 

Yes, you've pushed him away. And you're not doing ANYTHING to remedy the situation. You're getting worse. He's pulling away, and you need to mirror that behavior. Stop chasing after this person who clearly wants to be away from you right now. Continue what you're doing and I assure you that you WILL be dumped... if he's not thinking of doing it soon already.

 

You really need to acknowledge and adjust your behavior, figure out what makes you so needy/clingy, and think of ways to fulfill your own life without having to rely on him for entertainment/love/validation.

 

Thanks for your reply! He has done things to make me question him sometimes, he's never cheated that I'm aware of, but he's lied about really stupid things in the past. One time he told me he was still at work when he was actually at home and said the reason he lied was because he wanted to get off work early, go home and play some xbox without hearing me running my mouth about who, what, where, when and how. There's been times he's told me a story and the facts just didn't add up, and you could tell he was full of *****, such as when trying to impress me, when he didn't want the third degree, or just something he didn't think was any of my business, such as questions about his past relationships and things like that.

 

So, he has done things to give me some insecurity within our relationship but nothing about other women to give me the impression that he's cheating. He's never said a word about another woman, except 2 celebrities, even though he looks, he never speaks on it. Mostly, I'm just left "wondering" what my boyfriend is doing all the time and don't know whether to believe it because he's walking on egg shells when he contacts me and this turns my thinking into "if he's not contacting me he's with another woman" and it just escalates from there. If he tells me he's napping when he's really appearing offline on xbox, what's the reason for telling me he's napping. That's what I am going through at the moment, questiong everything. I'm taking every word he says and dissecting it to find a "truth", even though I'm not sure what it is, or if it's even there. I do work, and I have 2 children from a previous marriage, so I'm not just sitting and waiting, well, I am waiting but it's hard not to. What should I do? Just stop contacting him and leave him alone? Will he come back?? He just told me this morning he loves and misses me but hasn't said nothing since 8am. My mind is going out of control wondering where he is and what he's doing, as he used to always let me know willingly.

[KatZee]

I completely understand why he would lie to you. To be honest, I'd lie to you too. It's like he can't even relax without hearing you in his ear. You're pretty much MAKING him lie to you. Is this the kind of relationship you want?

 

LEAVE HIM ALONE. You're not his mother, where you need to give him the 3rd degree with every step he takes in his life. He's allowed to go out, see friends, do things, or just veg at home without having to check in with the warden.

 

And honestly, he's most likely on the verge of dumping you. If his job is one in which he's gone a few months at a time each year, do you really think he's enjoyed how things are going? He doesn't want or need, or deserve to be treated like someone who's done something wrong.

 

As much as you think you're "entitled" to know what he's doing every single second, you're really not. He's his own person. If he wants to be away from you, he has every right. And if he has to lie to you in order to do so, he will.

 

Honestly, your behavior has turned this relationship into an unhealthy, and secretive one. It's going to be real hard to recover from this, and that's ONLY if you adjust your behavior and do a complete 180... and after reading this... I don't believe that's something that's possible from you.

[academicmoss]

I completely understand why he would lie to you. To be honest, I'd lie to you too. It's like he can't even relax without hearing you in his ear. You're pretty much MAKING him lie to you. Is this the kind of relationship you want?

 

LEAVE HIM ALONE. You're not his mother, where you need to give him the 3rd degree with every step he takes in his life. He's allowed to go out, see friends, do things, or just veg at home without having to check in with the warden.

 

And honestly, he's most likely on the verge of dumping you. If his job is one in which he's gone a few months at a time each year, do you really think he's enjoyed how things are going? He doesn't want or need, or deserve to be treated like someone who's done something wrong.

 

As much as you think you're "entitled" to know what he's doing every single second, you're really not. He's his own person. If he wants to be away from you, he has every right. And if he has to lie to you in order to do so, he will.

 

Honestly, your behavior has turned this relationship into an unhealthy, and secretive one. It's going to be real hard to recover from this, and that's ONLY if you adjust your behavior and do a complete 180... and after reading this... I don't believe that's something that's possible from you.

 

I know I'm in the wrong here. I take full blame for pushing him away. This is the first time, in 3 years, that I've really felt like we're over. I'm scared to death because I do love him. I text him earlier in the day and told him that I love him and that I always will and he didn't reply. I still haven't heard from him since 8am, he's on xbox right now but appearing offline. I'm assuming to avoid me so I'm not messaging him or anything. I'm going to leave him alone and hope he contacts me. I'm at the point where I'm so scared of losing him that I'm fully prepared to work on this. I'd rather be with him and just journal my negative thoughts when I have them, than to be without him.

 

I know the long distance is what initially caused this for me and then my mind would spiral out of control. Things were fine until he left and we didn't get to spend time together. Before he left, if we had a little spat, we'd get together and make up and it was forgotten. Now, because he's away, it's easier to just step back and not deal with it. He just told me 3 nights ago he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn't want to fight anymore. He's also told me if he didn't want to be with me he'd just break up with me and go on with his life. He hasn't broken up with me, as of yet, and he did tell me this morning he loves and misses me so I still have hope. I'm willing to do what I can to fix what I've done. I'm hoping that he's taking a break and will then call me up on Wednesday to come see him, in which we could talk face to face and be like old times. This is one of those times where I made a mistake.

[academicmoss]

My mind is going crazy right now. Even though he's never given me reason to suspect him of cheating I'm sitting here thinking he may be with someone else which is why he's not contacting me. It's kind of like, if he'd send me even one text it would make me feel better but since I'm not getting anything, my mind is playing the "is he simply taking a breather from my mouth, or is he with someone else". I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard.

[Deepwounds]

You know I did the same thing with one of my ex's. I was working a job taht got me far away a lot of hours and really when I had time to chill I didnt want to talk with my GF because she acted and did just as you are now.

 

But in the other hand, just like most of these people said.. FIX UR SELF.

 

So I will let you in on a little secret on how she got my attention again.

 

One night after not talking with her for a week I called her, she didnt answer (BTW she always answered almost the split second the first rang went through) I called back because I knew I had not talked to her all week(I did kinda feel bad) and again no answer. So I said **** it she will blow my phone up when she sees I called her. Next day.. No call. I sent text nothing... So then after a few hours I sent the text I called her because Im like wtf wtf wtf, and she answers and I asked what shes been doing.. She said hanging out with some of her guy friends.. In that played a huge factor in my head and it was like a light switch and I started to panic.

 

 

Well u get the jist.. That isnt wat really happened it was more of " Im done with you" Im hanging out with my guy friends TBH"

 

If u cant do that then U have to play the chase game.. Us guys are dumb most of the time. We love the chase period.

 

As for why she is my EX is that she still liked to nag, acuse me of cheating, and a **** load of other BS that I didnt feel like I wanted to put up with. I backed away from the relationship and it just crashed because I just didnt give a **** anymore.

 

 

Im 25, and you are a 31 year old women. You got this.. Play the game. Most of the time when I was ignoring my ex.. I to was just on Xbox or out with the guys BS. Your type of reaction is pushing him far away and he feels cluttered and he just wants space.

 

So what did we learn.. STOP BEING A CRAZY GIRLFRIEND.. Sorry I am the one to have to say it. BAck off.. mash them images of him cheating or w/e you feel insecure about into a box bite the ****ing bullet and play No contact for a little bit.. Trust me it will get him thinking again.

[Deepwounds]

BTW I live in Virginia Beach. Kinda nice to ssee a fellow VA'er in here ^_^

[Hermaeus Mora]

I don't blame him. Why should anyone have to put up with someone that has no trust in them. You should realize that you hurt him as well by accusing him of cheating.

 

People can't just quit there job just to be with you. It's his life, his career.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hey everyone. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He's 35 and I'm 31. I'm very much in love with him but over the last several months our relationship has fallen apart. We've been through a lot together and I hate to think that after everything we've dealt with it's gone in the blink of an eye. He's been out of state (on work) since Feb and within that time I only get to see him once a month, and haven't saw him since May 26th. This has taken a toll on me emotionally and I started nagging him constantly, accusing him of cheating with someone there (almost daily) and was over-analyzing every single thing he said and done.

 

He got tired of it and has now pushed me away. I feel like he's forcing me to move on with my life. This has been going on, on and off, for several weeks and he does have a history of this, as he did this in past relationships and he was abandoned by his mother while growing up. His ignoring my texts, and neglecting me is making me contact him more (i know i shouldn't) and after about 10 texts or so he'll send me a text saying what he's currently doing and that he'll hit me up later, but when later comes he finds some reason not to talk to me. I do fully understand that he doesn't want to talk to me because of my attitude over the last several months. When I used to accuse him, he'd reassure me and basically kiss my ass. Now, he's neglecting me and letting me self destruct, and it hurts like HELL.

 

He's moving back to town next Wednesday, which makes all this so crappy because we'd finally be able to see each other weekly and try to be like we used to be. While he's neglecting me and making excuses he's also telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, and then it ends there. He said something to me last week; "you'd be the perfect girlfriend, like I'd marry you today, if you were a mute". Those words have stuck with me the last couple of days. He also told me that all I am anymore is a "cuddle buddy" and some "pu$$y". This is true, I haven't been very loving over the last few months.

 

There's been NO sign of infidelity, the only time he's ever mentioned women is like celebs he finds attractive, so it's only what my mind conjures up after a fight or if he doesn't text me back within 5 hours. This man used to contact me NONSTOP, he was always the initiator. He told me last week he'd like to be able to talk to me like he used to but can't because I twist everything around. It's been a week without any real communication at all. He text me last night and said he'd hit me up on xbox, after begging him (as when things are okay with us we play cod/party together) and come time for us to chat he goes offline and sends me a text telling me he has to charge his batteries, there's always an excuse lately. He voice text me this morning at around 8am apologizing for falling asleep and that he'd talk to me today/tonight and yet again, there's nothing. He said in the msg this morning he loves and misses me, so I try to take that as a positive but he's still a million miles away. He's keeping me at arms length, I do know this. What should I do now? I don't want to just delete everything and disappear on him come morning, but I've been crying all day. I'm hurting so bad. I know my mouth/attitude has caused this, but how can I bring him back to me? Please don't say anything such as he's cheating, or anything mean. I'm seriously heartbroken right now and I really need some support.

 

Wow. Those are some harsh words to say to your girlfriend. He's doing a really crappy job of communicating his unhappiness, and you certainly deserve more respect than that!

 

But I can tell you one thing: if you have history of accusing him of cheating and interrogating him or over-analyzing him, that has absolutely put a strain on the relationship. I have been in his position and it's completely infuriating. It gets exhausting to constantly reassure someone and explain every last detail of your behaviour just to soothe the paranoid person. It creates a lot of resentment and makes the accused party not want to be around their partner.

 

At this point, I'd ask him if you can set aside some time to speak. He's been with you for a couple years now so it's not unreasonable to request this. Tell him your fears (and do NOT accuse him) Ask him where his feelings are at. Give him some space and listen to whatever he tells you. This should let you know if you can continue to work toward a future together or if it's time to go your separate ways.

[KatZee]

My mind is going crazy right now. Even though he's never given me reason to suspect him of cheating I'm sitting here thinking he may be with someone else which is why he's not contacting me. It's kind of like, if he'd send me even one text it would make me feel better but since I'm not getting anything, my mind is playing the "is he simply taking a breather from my mouth, or is he with someone else". I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard.

 

I'm going to be really blunt here. He's not avoiding you because he's cheating. He's avoiding you because you're the crazy girlfriend. Keep acting crazy and YOU WILL push him into the arms of someone else.

 

I don't know why you think that if you keep some strangle like hold on him that he's not going to cheat on you. It's your behavior NOW which pushes people to cheat. Knowing what he's doing 24/7 isn't going to prevent him from cheating. Not talking to him for 5 hours isn't going to give him the opportunity to cheat.

 

As is, you see him once a month, and nothing since May. If he was going to cheat, and wants to cheat, he has plenty of opportunity to and nothing you do, no amount of whining, nagging, crying, accusing, inquiring, pleading, begging, acting desperate... is going to make him stay faithful to you.

 

I think you really need to work on your trust issues before continuing on with this relationship and any other subsequent relationships in the future. What you're doing is highly dysfunctional, unhealthy, and toxic to both of you, but ESPECIALLY your partner. If after three years you act like this... I'm sorry. It's just insulting to him for everything he's done for you.

 

Be prepared to leave him alone for a good week+. If and when he wants to talk to you, HE will reach out. At that point, you need to not act like a psycho and you need to calmly and rationally ask him to speak in person to discuss where this relationship will go moving forward. You need to change, IMMENSELY if you want any chance of this to work out.

 

How does he know that the next time he needs to leave the state for work that you won't act like this? You really need to prove to him that you're able to maintain a life outside of him, that you're working on your insecurity issues and your trust issues, and that you're willing to give him more space within the relationship.

Edited July 14, 2013 by KatZee

[academicmoss]

Ok, I need some advice. He just text me and it says; "I want to try when I get there. I've been so busy preparing for this move. I'm sorry for neglecting you or however you spell it"...

 

What do I do now? If I reply, I'll be hoping for him to reply back and us actually chat through text throughout the day, but that hasn't been happening lately so I'd probably end up getting disappointed and not hearing from him again until he decides to send a short text. What's the best thing? And if I do reply, I have no idea what to say. Right now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, worried to say anything, or the wrong thing to send him back into distant mode again.

[academicmoss]

Ok, I need some advice. He just text me and it says; "I want to try when I get there. I've been so busy preparing for this move. I'm sorry for neglecting you or however you spell it"...

 

What do I do now? If I reply, I'll be hoping for him to reply back and us actually chat through text throughout the day, but that hasn't been happening lately so I'd probably end up getting disappointed and not hearing from him again until he decides to send a short text. What's the best thing? And if I do reply, I have no idea what to say. Right now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, worried to say anything, or the wrong thing to send him back into distant mode again.

 

He just sent me another text that says "our song, words and all.. love gun by kiss. it's my fave song anyways". ?? No idea if he's checking to see if I'm still around or what. He hasn't exactly been talking to me lately, so his 2 texts this morning are a plus. I'm just confused as to if I should reply/and or what to say.

[SammySammy]

Ok, I need some advice. He just text me and it says; "I want to try when I get there. I've been so busy preparing for this move. I'm sorry for neglecting you or however you spell it"...

 

What do I do now? If I reply, I'll be hoping for him to reply back and us actually chat through text throughout the day, but that hasn't been happening lately so I'd probably end up getting disappointed and not hearing from him again until he decides to send a short text. What's the best thing? And if I do reply, I have no idea what to say. Right now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, worried to say anything, or the wrong thing to send him back into distant mode again.

 

If I were in his shoes, there are a few things I would appreciate:

 

1. Simple honesty. If you're truly sorry for the way you treated him, then just apologize and be the loving girlfriend he wants and needs. Just don't dwell on it. Apologize and let it go. And don't do it again!

 

2. No playing games or trying to utilize any tricks to get him back. Like not texting him back. That was the worst advice in this thread to me. That would make me not respect you even more because I would see through it in a heartbeat. If you want to respond to the man's texts, respond. You're 31. It's about time you grew up and dealt with him in a mature manner.

 

3. Assigning blame for your behavior. Blaming his job. Or him doing things to "cause" you to behave the way you did. Don't do that. Don't blame anyone or anything for your behavior. I would respect you a lot more if you just accepted responsibility and moved on.

 

4. If he decides he wants to move on without you, just accept it and move on yourself. No more craziness. It didn't help in the past and it won't help now.

 

I hope everything works out for you and you're able to rebuild your relationship. If not, learn from it and use that knowledge to help you be better in the future.

 

Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

He just sent me another text that says "our song, words and all.. love gun by kiss. it's my fave song anyways". ?? No idea if he's checking to see if I'm still around or what. He hasn't exactly been talking to me lately, so his 2 texts this morning are a plus. I'm just confused as to if I should reply/and or what to say.

 

Holy moly. Your anxiety is jumping through the computer screen. I'd just text him back something short and sweet (Ex. "Thanks, thinking of you" or something like that) and leave it be for a while. You're causing yourself so much distress and it's obviously already pushed him away. Based on your posts, he's got one foot out the door and may soon walk out and close that door for good.

 

As others have suggested, you really need to work on your own trust issues now. It's not his responsibility to soothe you every time your mind goes into over-drive. Figure out why you're doing this, what your triggers are and try to learn some more effective strategies to cope. (That don't involve accusing or blaming him)

[KatZee]

Reply.

 

You're really not getting it through your skull that you need to change. You flat out said "i'll be disappointed if he doesn't talk to me throughout the rest of the day."

 

You need to grasp that HE DOESN'T HAVE TO TALK TO YOU THROUGHOUT THE DAY. Start working on your neediness!!!

 

Say, "We'll talk when you come home." And leave it at that. Do not send anymore texts, and then put your phone away and go do something with your day. Play with your kids, take a trip to the beach. Work on a craft. Take up a hobby, see some friends. DO SOMETHING.

[curlygirl40]

KatZee has given you a lot of great advice you need to read it again and again.

 

Not to make your insecurities worse here, but if he wants to cheat, there's nothing you can do about it. No amount of texts, calls, emails, nagging will stop it. So think about that. The only person you have control of is you. You can't control is someone is unfaithful you can only control your reaction to it. So stop!

 

We're not talking about a new relationship here since it's been three years so I wouldn't recommend you game play either. Answer those texts and be the understanding girlfriend he needs. Say something like 'I understand you're busy getting ready for your move. Thinking of you. Chat w you when you get back' and then step away from the phone and do something with the kids or a friend.

 

Don't expect a reply.

 

I will say I think it's good news that he's texted you those things.

 

I wouldn't make a big deal out of everything at this point. Don't promise him you'll be different, just BE different.

 

Read some books, see a therapist. You need to fix this in yourself because if this relationship doesn't survive the next guy isn't going to like it any better.

 

There's a quote and I might be misquoting slightly but it's something like 'if you hold sand too tightly it will flow right through your fingers'.

 

You're hanging on too tightly and you're too anxious. Let go of your fear and breathe.

 

Good luck