Willusmile Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 A bit of backstory before I've begin. We have been dating for 5 years. I am currently 24 and he is 27. We have been living together for 4 of those 5 years. This is not the first time we have broken up, we broke up around the 2 year mark but were back together a month later. With that breakup I was hysterical, crying, and all around desperate to get back together. I was the one who was dumped. I was in constant contact with him, begging to get back together, saying we could make it work. He agreed to try again a month later. HOwever with this breakup I am truly lost. I feel like being hysterical, and crying is going to scare him away. However I am missing him greatly this time around and it's everything I can do not to contact him. I feel like he's making a huge mistake and I want to contact him so badly and ask if we can work this out. I do want him back in my life, I feel we've been together too long and been through too much to just have it end like this. His reasoning for the breakup was that both of us stopped trying. I admit we were not spending time together mainly because of our work schedules. I was willing to work on this though, and he said "i don't deserve you.' We haven't really talked since then and I all want to do is either sit down and talk with him or write him a letter. Im just wondering what is the best course of action here?Should I contact him and let him know my true feelings?
Author Willusmile Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 So does this mean it's truly over? It's very hard for me to accept that he would leave so easily. Maybe im just being blind.
JDPT Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I also don't buy the "I don't deserve you" statement. When my ex broke up with me she said something to the effect of "I don't make you happy anymore" to me that translated as "I'll shift the guilt on to you so that I can feel better about myself" Take some time for your self to analyze what really occurred, was it really your hectic schedules that drew you apart? or was it something else? I would give him some space and respect his decision in the meantime. Once you arrive at a true an honest conclusion as to what really occurred you may take action then. Don't make impulsive decisions and attempt to contact him in any way, I understand how you are feeling we have gone through it and some of us are still going through it, but remain in control take charge and figure yourself out first.
hellischrome Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 Well, uncertainty and unclear things are always a problem. I never get the line - I don't deserve you -, because it's just a way to make the other feel better but doesn't actually mean a thing. I was dumped with the line -I have to sort things out with myself, I can't make you happy-. I am realising only now how true this it, and probably you will understand that too soon. I am always convinced that one has to express feelings - not begging of course -, just because you don't wanna break up tomorrow thinking - I should have done this, I should have done. So if you want to expose your feelings out there do it, being aware that it has to be a one time thing and you are doing it for yourself, and not to get him back.
Author Willusmile Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 First off, I really appreciate all you guys taking the time to respond to me. Thank you I appreciate it. You guys are making a lot of good points here. I didn't know what to feel when he said "I don't deserve you." It felt like such a cop out. I also am on the fence about contacting him with my true feelings. On the one hand I feel that's its too soon and anything I say now is irrational on my part. On the other hand maybe I just want to do it so there's a chance we can get back together. Or so I convince myself. I probably will cut contact with him for a while. I am fully moving out of our place this weekend and after that there's no reason for us to see each other. Maybe that will be the space I need to reflect on our relationship. I will just have to work very hard to not text or call him at all. Which is the hardest part for me.
Author Willusmile Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Bit of an update here. I haven't contacted him in about 3 days, which was extremely hard. However today he texted me asking me a question about our apartment. (I am on the lease still so I do still have to pay attention to that part) I answered him back with "OK" He then told me he was leaving tomorrow for his vacation (he's going out of the country to see family, not a surprise at all he's been planning it for months with his dad) and that he would "really miss me" I had a weak moment and texted back that I would "miss him too" He then answered back about this new show on Netflix he's been watching and how I should watch it too so we can talk about it when he gets back. Now Im totally confused. Am I reading too much into this "I miss you" thing. I realized I shouldnl't have answered him at all but it was a weak moment. And now his phone is going to be turned off for a week since he's gone and I have no idea what to do when he gets back? Do I not contact him, do I ask to talk? Im really thrown off balance here.
lessica Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Bit of an update here. I haven't contacted him in about 3 days, which was extremely hard. However today he texted me asking me a question about our apartment. (I am on the lease still so I do still have to pay attention to that part) I answered him back with "OK" He then told me he was leaving tomorrow for his vacation (he's going out of the country to see family, not a surprise at all he's been planning it for months with his dad) and that he would "really miss me" I had a weak moment and texted back that I would "miss him too" He then answered back about this new show on Netflix he's been watching and how I should watch it too so we can talk about it when he gets back. Now Im totally confused. Am I reading too much into this "I miss you" thing. I realized I shouldnl't have answered him at all but it was a weak moment. And now his phone is going to be turned off for a week since he's gone and I have no idea what to do when he gets back? Do I not contact him, do I ask to talk? Im really thrown off balance here. I would not contact him. I get the impression that texts like 'I miss you' are them easing their own unhappy feelings about the situation- but it doesn't mean they want you back. They are just trying to make themselves feel better. It is not worth the emotional pain that it causes you, so it is best to not buy into it, even though it would feel good temporarily. My ex came over yesterday told me he was in love with me etc etc- for a second I believed every word of it and it felt great, I mean who doesn't want to hear all those wonderful things from someone they are pining for? But this doesn't help. It fixes nothing. And just makes the process easier for them. I think it is about not letting yourself be in a position where the whims of another person can hurt you. People change their thoughts, emotions, and perceptions constantly, even in one day. Realistically I think if you dumped someone, unless you were totally detached prior, fell in love with someone else, or are a complete jerk you will sometimes feel sadness and longing for the person you had. Communication eases it for them, so they get in contact. But once it has eased they go back to their reasoning which made them leave.. and it must be a pretty strong reason, or they would have stayed.
simplyamazing Posted July 15, 2013 Posted July 15, 2013 Bit of an update here. I haven't contacted him in about 3 days, which was extremely hard. However today he texted me asking me a question about our apartment. (I am on the lease still so I do still have to pay attention to that part) I answered him back with "OK" He then told me he was leaving tomorrow for his vacation (he's going out of the country to see family, not a surprise at all he's been planning it for months with his dad) and that he would "really miss me" I had a weak moment and texted back that I would "miss him too" He then answered back about this new show on Netflix he's been watching and how I should watch it too so we can talk about it when he gets back. Now Im totally confused. Am I reading too much into this "I miss you" thing. I realized I shouldnl't have answered him at all but it was a weak moment. And now his phone is going to be turned off for a week since he's gone and I have no idea what to do when he gets back? Do I not contact him, do I ask to talk? Im really thrown off balance here. If it's something about the apartment you need to respond... well if it's important anyway since you're on the lease. So, no biggie there. I think the rest doesn't mean anything. He'll really miss you? That doesn't mean he's missing you now. I wouldn't contact him, unless he says something about your apartment that's important... or he says he made a mistake, etc. Until then, anything else doesn't matter.
Author Willusmile Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Lessica I have to say I admire you very much. You're a very strong person. Emotionally though, I am totally not there yet. I guess Im still hoping that something will change his mind soon. It's a childish thought I know. Simplyamazing, Im afraid that he's never going to say he made a mistake. And that's a real fear of mine. I've decided to tell him my true feelings when he gets back from vacation in a week. I know it goes against what a lot of you are telling me. However I feel like I have to lay all my cards on the table. It's a huge risk and I might come out losing, but it's something I don't want to regret later on. 1
eleve82 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Willusmile, everyone's experience is different but I thought I'd share my story in case it helps. My relationship of 5 years also ended about a year back. Although I was the one who initiated (he had completely stopped trying, and I was tired of the lack of any consideration of a future together) I in fact had hoped this was would be a wake up call for him. When I returned back from a vacation right after our fallout, I tried to talk to him and laid bare my feelings on the problems that needed to be resolved but he insisted he wanted to be single to work on his own issues. After 2 days of reasoning/pleading, I could see he had set his mind on this so I gave up. First thing I'd say is this: him telling you he misses you and wants to hang out does not equate to wanting to get back with you. I know this because my ex said and did the same thing - we spent a lot of time together for the 6 months after we "broke up" and even went on holidays etc, he said all the usual things "I miss you, etc etc", but would not commit to trying to work things out or getting back officially. Because I had applied to pursue further education overseas, I had a fixed time frame to "hang around" and with hindsight I am thankful for that. Up to today, almost one year later, he still refuses to commit to anything but also does not want to fully let go. I on the other hand, am now fully looking forward to a future and being happy - and he has eased himself out of my future on his own doing. I want to tell you that it does get better. Spending half a decade with someone, having your heart broken by someone who has decided it is not worth fighting for, I've been there - and I know that with time and distance, you will get over this and move on. It comes from believing deeply in your own value and knowing that you have done your best and been honest and true. No matter what your ex says, he needs to say the words "I want us to work on this relationship and get back together" otherwise he could share the same bed with you and still it wouldn't mean anything (trust me, been there). And if he doesn't, tell him what you think and move on. Men don't respect women who don't respect themselves, and so you need to set a boundary and keep to it. Wishing you love n luck. 1
lessica Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Lessica I have to say I admire you very much. You're a very strong person. Emotionally though, I am totally not there yet. I guess Im still hoping that something will change his mind soon. It's a childish thought I know. Simplyamazing, Im afraid that he's never going to say he made a mistake. And that's a real fear of mine. I've decided to tell him my true feelings when he gets back from vacation in a week. I know it goes against what a lot of you are telling me. However I feel like I have to lay all my cards on the table. It's a huge risk and I might come out losing, but it's something I don't want to regret later on. Thank you for the compliment It may well just be part of your process, I perhaps was already ready to be apart for the troubles relating from my ex, you will get there one way or another. Fear is a powerful thing, fear of losing my ex made me deal with horrid things for a good 3 years longer than I should have. You will get an answer either way, don't worry about that. It is just that putting it out there may make it hurt a bit more if it doesn't work out. You will be okay though, remember that.
Author Willusmile Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 eleve82 thank you for your story. It's very personal and really strikes a chord with me. You sound like you were in a very similar situation like me. I know him telling me, he misses me is not a "let's get back together sign" but I feel like it's a sign that I can approach him as a adult and talk to him. After that, we'll see what happens. Lessica you're welcome! I've been keeping up with your posts and I know it's hard for you but you seem to be on top of things. Also yes fear is a very big factor in my decision making which is not good I know. And I know I will get an answer I guess Im just being impatient and want to know now. I know I might get hurt more but it's a risk im willing to take. I will keep everyone updated on what happens. Unfortunately he's gone for a whole week so it'll be one very long week for me. I hope I use this time to reflect on our relationship and hopefully come a decision. Chances are no matter what I am going sit down and talk to him when he gets back.
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