Differences in BS's pain level

[Betterthanthis13]

Discovering you have been betrayed is always painful. It seems like some people are shaken to the core and totally devastated, sometimes even suicidal or homicidal, while others heal faster and are less emotionally wounded. Lots of reasons, what do you think is the main one for the differences in pain levels between BS's after DDay?

 

First thing that comes to mind for me is how shocked they are by the lies and deceit. If the BS is the type of person who is faithful, honest and genuine, and believes their spouse is faithful, honest and genuine, then the shock is so overwhelming it can cause a complete meltdown and psychotic break.

 

The more shady of a person the BS is, the less they are affected.

[anne1707]

As a fWS, I find the implications of the op as rather insulting to BS. My H did not have a complete meltdown at dday. He is the most honest, dignified person I know. His integrity is 100% intact and to suggest that he is in some ways shady because of the lack of meltdown is just plain wrong.

 

:mad:

[krazikat]

Discovering you have been betrayed is always painful. It seems like some people are shaken to the core and totally devastated, sometimes even suicidal or homicidal, while others heal faster and are less emotionally wounded. Lots of reasons, what do you think is the main one for the differences in pain levels between BS's after DDay?

 

First thing that comes to mind for me is how shocked they are by the lies and deceit. If the BS is the type of person who is faithful, honest and genuine, and believes their spouse is faithful, honest and genuine, then the shock is so overwhelming it can cause a complete meltdown and psychotic break.

 

The more shady of a person the BS is, the less they are affected.

 

I think in some cases, bs could seem less effected but are in denial...

 

As for me, I lost my shyte. I flipped out. I always try to put on a game face...but it didnt work in this scenario and I actually threw up IN MY CAR after trying to control my anger and devastation....it was awful. My H was on the verge of tears and kept repeating "this is my fault...omg this is my fault" I am known for my independant, strong self...and he got to witness me crumble.

 

Now, 5 months later, I am ok. We are ok. He changed his numbers, is nc with fOW, completely stopped drinking amd drugs, started getting back to his religion, and is now the man I fell in love with again...sweet, caring, etc.

 

I think the behavior of the ws also impacts the way bs deals.

 

Affairs SUCK @$$!!!!

[Realist3]

This may get me in trouble with some folks, but I think a certain portion of people live in a Pollyanna-ish wonderland. Those people take it on the chin and take it hard. They just can't handle the fact that their spouse might fall for someone else and act on it. Completely devastated.

 

Others I think realize that people go through changes over the course of life and may take trips down another path for awhile. These folks get over it a good bit easier. As long as the unit is still intact they can deal with a few problems.

 

I view it as a look into the absolutist mind versus the non-absolutist mind.

 

I will add that this is not something the person can control. It is innate.

[NoConfidence]

I have been with my WS for 6 years, 2 years of which he was cheating on me and gaslighting my suspicions. D-day was December 18, 2012. Initially I could do nothing but cry. Luckily it corresponded with some vacation time so I left to visit my family in another city. I'm still dealing with it, some days worse than others. For example, I found out that he refused to cut things off formally with AP. That he just ignores her texts. Almost like leaving the door open. To me this brings back pain almost equal to d-day.

 

I think if things were formally ended one way or the other (either with me or AP), the healing process would be faster...

[2sure]

My x was a serial cheater. I know this because I caught him more than once.

 

I was surprised the first time , because prior to marrying him I had to seriously ask myself if I could remain faithful but he gave me the impression he was beyond question. I had been OW in past relationships so I took him back knowing that the marriage was more important to him than the affair.

 

The second time I caught him I absolutely went over the edge. Not because he banged someone else but because during the reconciliation process in between he attended therapy , we worked on the marriage, he was remorseful, and we were happy. It was the mind fu**ery that made me lose it.

 

I wasn't in denial, I was deceived. Masterfully.

[krazikat]

I have been with my WS for 6 years, 2 years of which he was cheating on me and gaslighting my suspicions. D-day was December 18, 2012. Initially I could do nothing but cry. Luckily it corresponded with some vacation time so I left to visit my family in another city. I'm still dealing with it, some days worse than others. For example, I found out that he refused to cut things off formally with AP. That he just ignores her texts. Almost like leaving the door open. To me this brings back pain almost equal to d-day.

 

I think if things were formally ended one way or the other (either with me or AP), the healing process would be faster...

 

NoConfidence...sheesh I am so sorry to hear he refused to formally cut it off. Is she still texting him? How do you handle it?

 

I had just started a new job shortly before dday. I still went to work as normal, putting on the gameface, fighting tears and anger. I wanted to be around my family, but they are all thousands of miles away and I had no way to go or I would risk my job...and my kids come first and me not having a job would be bad for them. I fantasized about just going home every day.

[NoConfidence]

Well, I just found out a few weeks ago about that. Seeing as he wasn't texting her back and she is in another relationship I have trouble walking away from him, but it's a painful situation. This is compounded by the fact that our relationship is currently long distance. I found out about this the last time we were together. He says he refuses to be so "downright mean". Hello? Am I not a person too? ....yeah unresolved issues. We have yet to go to any counselling either. I'm trying to relocate to where he's living (my family also lives there and I grew up there so it's not just for him) before we go to counselling.

[canuckprincess]

I have been with my WS for 6 years, 2 years of which he was cheating on me and gaslighting my suspicions. D-day was December 18, 2012. Initially I could do nothing but cry. Luckily it corresponded with some vacation time so I left to visit my family in another city. I'm still dealing with it, some days worse than others. For example, I found out that he refused to cut things off formally with AP. That he just ignores her texts. Almost like leaving the door open. To me this brings back pain almost equal to d-day.

 

I think if things were formally ended one way or the other (either with me or AP), the healing process would be faster...

 

May I ask how you know he cut ties and ignores her texts? I never got a NC letter after dday. And as you can imagine there was a reason why I never got one.

[sweet_pea]

May I ask how you know he cut ties and ignores her texts? I never got a NC letter after dday. And as you can imagine there was a reason why I never got one.

 

Curious... have you ever been a BS?

[Confused48]

Did you ever play that trust game where you get stiff and fall backwards and count on someone to catch you? If they don't you would hit your head hard on the pavement. But of course they would catch you. You agreed that you would do this together. You just caught them a minute ago.

 

You see where I'm going with this. When your WS cheated they in effect let you fall and hit your head. You were counting on them. You will be enraged. Unless you really did not trust them to begin with.

[canuckprincess]

Curious... have you ever been a BS?

 

Yes I have been a bs, a ws and an ow. The difference is when I was bs I really didn't care that my ex husband cheated cause I never really liked him. I married him for all the wrong reasons. As for the young woman he screwed around with, her and I are fb friends lol. Years later I found out he only gave me a tiny bit if what they really had going on.

[Journee]

This may get me in trouble with some folks, but I think a certain portion of people live in a Pollyanna-ish wonderland. Those people take it on the chin and take it hard. They just can't handle the fact that their spouse might fall for someone else and act on it. Completely devastated.

 

Others I think realize that people go through changes over the course of life and may take trips down another path for awhile. These folks get over it a good bit easier. As long as the unit is still intact they can deal with a few problems.

 

I view it as a look into the absolutist mind versus the non-absolutist mind.

 

I will add that this is not something the person can control. It is innate.

 

 

 

I may lean towards this line of thinking. I do think it can all depend on the circumstances surrounding the betrayal. However, it is interesting the reactions of AP's who find out their partner in crime has taken a detour on them. It's all good until they become the betrayed.

 

I think it's important for people to realize that anyone at any given time can be betrayed. There are few guarantees in life.

 

I thought I was the type to think in black and white. Apparantly I was wrong. I am learning everyday how much growth I still need to make.

 

I also don't think that the shadier a person is the easier the recovery. Not at all. Some who are cheating on their SO's flip when their affair partner is "cheating" on them. Makes little to no sense to me. I guess that's why I am here though. I learn something new (usually something awful) from my reading here all of the time.

 

I'm hurting and confused in my relationship because of my own regrets and misteps. I'm really just glad to have a fresh start with and for my husband.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I couldn't process it at first. Also it seemed my WW was being honest at first.

 

So my initial reaction wasn't bad at all...but then after about a week I started to get a grip on how it was affecting my life, also how my WW wasn't really being that open with me, or remorseful\loving as it had seemed the night she confessed. So it took me a week for the negative stuff to start coming out.

[seren]

I remember that before D Day, two co workers had time off when they discovered their H's had an A. As time went on and they couldn't let it rest I thought, surely it's time they either accepted it or moved along. I was one of those, it will never, ever happen to me people, we were the poster long time married couple, loved, laughed, liked and lusted, people would say they hoped to have what we had and I felt like the luckiest person in the world to love and be so loved. I would have been stood against a wall and shot before I would say that H would have an A.

 

Then he did.

 

I cannot put into words fully how absolutely world shattering it was, I am an assertive, been through an awful lot of crap in my life and dealt with it, yet the A had me feeling lost. It made no sense, it hurt unbelievebly despite my understanding what led H to do so, despite knowing that he wanted to be with me and I wanted to stay, that I knew in my heart we would work through it. yet, I reacted totally differently to how I thought I would, nothing prepared me for the feeling of loss, anger, betrayal and that my world had dropped from beneath my feet. I could begin to understand the reaction of those co workers, sought them and apologised for my lack of understanding, even though I thought I had.

 

I don't know if anyone's pain was different to mine or how they dealt with it, but I do know that while I looked to be swimming along dealing with it, underwater my feet were paddling like crazy. Maybe the pain level is worse if expectations are different, if questions were asked and reassured that there was no one else, if the A was about love or not, if it was discovered or a person told (I was told by H). What I do know, is that after D Day H worked his butt off to show remorse, to reconcile, to fix himself and, some WS or AP's may not like this, but if a person is OK with hurting another, chooses to do so and continues to do so and tell themselves it is OK, then there is something fundamentally wrong in that mindset. That H recognised that helped, but the pain? that goes with time.

[Trimmer]

Yes I have been a bs, a ws and an ow.

In baseball, this would be called "hitting for the cycle."

 

In football, you'd be known as a "slash".

 

I suppose the closest basketball analogy would be shooting a "triple double."

 

And in hockey, a hat trick.

[canuckprincess]

In baseball, this would be called "hitting for the cycle."

 

In football, you'd be known as a "slash".

 

I suppose the closest basketball analogy would be shooting a "triple double."

 

And in hockey, a hat trick.

 

And it's known as life experiences and allows me the ability to have insight in different scenarios.

[SammySammy]

I think how one responds can be a factor of many things. Age, experience, level of trust, expectations and many other things.

 

I was young, naive and completely trusted my ex when it first happened to me. I was totally blindsided with her betrayal and was devastated. Sitting on the floor, not eating for two days, not speaking to anyone or answering any phone calls devastated.

 

Thankfully, I grew and my perspective of relationships changed. The second time it hurt but, not much. Just moved on with my life.

 

There are a lot of things that go into how we respond. And they vary depending on the person and the situation.

[dichotomy]

Hurt and pain differs each time.

 

The first time - I was deeply hurt, depressed, worthless, sad...for a very long time. I had never been so cruely and remorselessly betrayed.

 

The second time - I was just f'ing angry - because I wanted to make sure it would not happen again, and it still did.

 

I suspect if it happens a third time I will not even care...and just move on...

 

I suppose desensitization ...or maybe just a jaded view on faithfulness and honesty...like a seasoned cop looks at vice, crime or homicides?

 

Sheesh - I need to go out for a walk in the sun today.

Edited July 14, 2013 by dichotomy

[canuckprincess]

Hurt and pain differs each time.

 

The first time - I was deeply hurt, depressed, worthless, sad...for a very long time. I had never been so cruely and remorselessly betrayed.

 

The second time - I was just f'ing angry - because I wanted to make sure it would not happen again, and it still did.

 

I suspect if it happens a third time I will not even care...and just move on...

 

I suppose desensitization ...or maybe just a jaded view on faithfulness and honesty...like a seasoned cop looks at vice, crime or homicides?

 

Sheesh - I need to go out for a walk in the sun today.

 

Omg your sticking around for a third time?

[Realist3]

I may lean towards this line of thinking. I do think it can all depend on the circumstances surrounding the betrayal. However, it is interesting the reactions of AP's who find out their partner in crime has taken a detour on them. It's all good until they become the betrayed.

 

I think it's important for people to realize that anyone at any given time can be betrayed. There are few guarantees in life.

 

I thought I was the type to think in black and white. Apparantly I was wrong. I am learning everyday how much growth I still need to make.

 

I also don't think that the shadier a person is the easier the recovery. Not at all. Some who are cheating on their SO's flip when their affair partner is "cheating" on them. Makes little to no sense to me. I guess that's why I am here though. I learn something new (usually something awful) from my reading here all of the time.

 

I'm hurting and confused in my relationship because of my own regrets and misteps. I'm really just glad to have a fresh start with and for my husband.

 

Maybe I'm jaded because I have had my heart broken a few times and broken a few myself, not necessarily because of cheating, but your point is so true, "There are few guarantees in life." I accept that premise fully.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think through these sorts of things you do find out true character. I am a FOW, FWW and a BS and my husband is a BS and a FOM - yeah messed up.

 

Prior to having my affair I would have considered myself honest to a fault. Guess what? I wasn't. My husband exploded on dday - it was ugly - so ugly. But I also thought my husband never capable of that either - nor lying - and you know what ? He was. I over heard him telling my xom (the one and my conversation they had when my husband found out) that I would be like the woman in fatal attraction! Really? I never ever exhibited that kind of behavior. It was then I knew that my husband and I never had been completely honest with each other.

 

Then my husband had his own affair 1 1/2 years later. I really got to see the deceptive side of him at that point. Also because of who I am and my own experience, I was quite cool and calm as I handled it. There have been some emotional conversations since then, but it mostly surrounds the way my situation was handled (publicly) and how he was such a weenie in handling his because of his reputation.

 

My xMm never sent me a no contact letter - never happened - he also never changed his email nor changed his cell phone, my email has changed but my cell hasn't (although I am actually getting ready to do that soon even though it had been 3 years since contact).

 

My husband never wrote his xow a no contact letter - he refuses. She was a former employee and its not public of their affair. He doesn't want anything down in writing, so therefore she still sometimes will show up at the office just to say hi to the girls and she had contacted him. He says he typically doesn't answer phone calls he doesn't know but one came across private and he spontaneously answered it and it was her. This I didn't know about until three months later. I tried key loggers and even a var for awhile - nothing abnormal and I just got tired of that. I don't have the energy for it.

 

At this point we are okay, but I don't completely trust him and I don't think he really trusts me. I figure it will come out eventually. I honestly think he wanted me to make the decision to leave after his affair and I didn't - I'm sorry - most men can't do it, even if they are unhappy. It's sad. I saw my dad exist with my mom for 10 years beyond what he should have for us, for the church, for his reputation. One day he just had the guts to make the decision and it was the right one, he should have been gone years before.

[Betterthanthis13]

Hmm so people think my shady people don't react badly to the discovery of betrayal theory is either offensive to BS's or wrong.

 

I really am not trying to offend anyone.

 

Of course there are many, many reasons for different reactions to betrayal, my thoughts were just that, simple thoughts.

 

I was thinking that had I been cheating myself, I would have possibly taken the news less hard- that's all.

 

But now I can see where a cheater finding out they are being cheated on themselves might not be taken very well either due to issues with entitlement? Or do I have that one wrong too?

[janedoe67]

I don't think anyone can know for sure what does or doesn't cause a particular outward reaction. Sometimes the really tough stuff takes awhile to sink in. If I were a faithful BS, the idea that I was shady because I didn't wig out would really rub me the wrong.

[Journee]

Hmm so people think my shady people don't react badly to the discovery of betrayal theory is either offensive to BS's or wrong.

 

I really am not trying to offend anyone.

 

Of course there are many, many reasons for different reactions to betrayal, my thoughts were just that, simple thoughts.

 

I was thinking that had I been cheating myself, I would have possibly taken the news less hard- that's all.

 

But now I can see where a cheater finding out they are being cheated on themselves might not be taken very well either due to issues with entitlement? Or do I have that one wrong too?

 

 

 

It's really a tough call.

 

Present one scenario to a group of people and you will get all sorts of different views. Different life experiences , levels of character and moral culpability etc.

 

Relationship history plays a huge role in this also. Not all marriages or relationshps are created and maintained equally. Both members come with their own history FOO issues and what have you. It's not easy to determine what one might think or feel if and when they are betrayed.

 

You might notice that APs cannot believe that a BS would take their spouse back after an A. While BSs couldn't imagine allowing themselves to sleep with a committed person. Yet, I'm sure neither party thought they would be in those situations. Taking back and forgiving someone who breaks promises and hurts them both? Yes. They both can and do. So what is the difference? Both have to rationalize some to continue either relationship.

 

No one knows how they will react.

 

BS are learning the truth and hopefully the full scope of A on and after DDay. That is a lot to take in. One may experience emotions in waves and stages. Doesn't mean they care less or are not affected. Some people do not express themselves well or how others would deem appropriate.