Dan250391 Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Me and my ex are both 22 and been together for nearly three years. We'd been best friends in school since the age of 13 and would talk everyday back then, even getting close to intimate a few times. I left for University at 18 and before I left I poured my heart out and she told me she couldn't leave her boyfriend, so I went and I cut all contact. She tried to contact me but I kept it short. Then I came back for summer after my first year and we started the most perfect relationship. Everything happened so quickly but she told me she loved me in three days and that she always had, then a week later she told me she wanted to be with me forever, get married and have kids. She told me that she had always loved me too but was worried about ruining it back then. The first year we even survived being long distance, mainly because we always saw each other weekly and she worked hard going back to college just so she could be with me and move up and start Uni in the same place I moved to. We've always been so close and connected on such a deep level. But we had an tiny argument in bed over the fact that I was coming down with flu and a headache and I asked her if she could stop texting as loudly on her phone because it wasn't helping my headache and she burst out with the fact that she didn't want to be with me anymore and that she didn't love me anymore. I was so confused at first and tried to talk to her the next morning but she said she didn't know, so I gave her some space We have never at one point seemed like we were broken up. We had to live together because our tenancy wasn't up until July, but we still acted together it was all the same in terms of affection and physicalness but as if the statement was there. Even if we tried to cut it out and tell eachother we needed to stop it would only last a matter of hours. Nothing felt like habit or forced, it still just felt natural. I have always been able to seem the same sparkle in her eyes when she looks at me. It was so hard to get through to her as she would never properly talk about it and would get agitated. But the one time I managed to she explained that she doesn't know what she wants and that she can tell her bipolar disorder is affecting her(Something she told me about from when we first go together and something I've seen the bad sides of since I've known her). She told me that she still loved me but she wasn't in love with me, and that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now but if she did then she'd want to be with me. And then she broke down and we just cuddled all night. Over time we talked more and more about us and she told me that one of the reasons she broke up with me is because I was never there and when I was it felt like I didn't want to spend time with her. I just finished my degree last November and to be honest I became a bit lost in what to do in life, and I got promoted to a team leader role at my part time job and the full time role was so much work that I got stressed and just depressed by the whole situation. I'd come home so tired and depressed and late that I'd want to do nothing but watch TV. To be fair she didn't work except weekends and never went to Uni or did any Uni work and lied in bed all day watching TV. Over time we both kind of shut each other out and the times I tried to spend with her she shut me out and it made me more down but I didn't act on it. There were other smaller factors like gym, my work hours, my job itself though I did tell her I just wanted a year off before starting a career. Then the other thing that tore us apart was that she wanted to move out of town to a town closer to her Uni. Which I was so selfish over because I couldn't transfer my job, would have no friends there and the job prospects were minimal because it was so much smaller. And I got selfish over that and I regret it with all my heart because she moved over 100 miles for me and I wouldn't move 25. I guess that life got in the way and I made bad decisions because everything got so much more confusing out of Uni and stressful in my job when all I wanted was a year off after 15 years straight of education. I just didn't know how to cope and went about it the wrong way. But I knew that somebody else was in the picture a few weeks later because for as long as I've known her she has never been not with someone, and I asked her to explain it to me because she was always texting this guy and she said they were just friends. I always made it clear that if there was somebody then I want her to tell me and not protect my feelings no matter how much she thinks it would hurt me, because if its the case then I just want her to be happy and I will respect it and let her get on with it. But she still denied it until I found out, by seeing over her shoulder as he sent her dirty messages on Facebook whilst she sat there at me. I was crushed and she couldn't explain herself; she just said she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't want to be in a relationship, and she did it to see if it's what she wants. So I decided that she's pretty much ruined everything and that I needed to move on, so I kept all contact minimal and worked on me. I even started texting a girl from work, though despite all the plans we made nothing ever happened. But my ex was aware because she saw the texts and she saw that she would call me at late night when she was drunk. I was open about it and told her who she was but that nothing was going on, she didn't believe me and began to get harsh and jealous about it. Being very snide and rude. After a while we got even closer again and she started acting like we were still together properly, though she was still texting the guy she was seeing and still denying everything but that slowly faded. She would text me all day and tell me she missed me even though I was only at work and the gym. We'd go to bed and she'd tell me she loved me multiple times and there would be times where she'd ask if I still love her with such worry in her voice. She started cooking for me all the time and we were getting intimate together again and doing everything but have full sex (which she said it was because we I didn't have protection which we never used before). It even got to a point where my friends came up from home to go on a night out and she went to the same club with her friend, trying to spend all night with me and then switching to accusing me of not loving her anymore and at first I shrugged it off but after a while I got angry and told her that I still loved her as much as ever and she cant even question me because if she loved me then why is she sleeping with someone else. But even that didn't phase us and we stayed so close. Then one day she came home from work and she played on my phone, and I let her because there is nothing to hide. So she went into my photos and there was just one photo of the girl I'd been texting before, it was just her and her friend in a club and I'd saved it from a convo to show my friends who were up for the weekend and wanted to see the girl I'd been texting. But my ex flipped out and wouldn't talk about it and she just called me a liar. Then she went out with her friend. When she was out she met a guy and it's been back to the same routine where she's texting him all the time but denying everything even though she is obviously out on dates with him. There's been nights where she hasn't come home like before and she just never tells me. Originally I was going to stay in town and live with friends but I decided after this I couldn't do this anymore. I had nothing to stay in my Uni town because my degree had been over for a year and there were no careers there, all my friends had moved and I know I'd stay up there hung up for her waiting for her to change her mind, never being over her. She would talk of me staying over with her once we moved out and saying that she would still want me to stay in her bed. But I couldn't be the other guy that she hangs on to, she still loves me as much and I know it and she still wants to be with me but at the same time she couldn't commit and I couldn't wait around for it because I was losing my mind. When I broke it to her she burst into tears instantly, she was destroyed and I've never seen anything like it. She just cried and repeated "I'm never going to see you again" and that she can't believe I won't be there. So I comforted her but she never seemed to get over it; she still kept saying that she can't believe I won't be there. But at the same time I explained to her why I was going. She seemed to become ok until the few days before I left still mentioning it and getting upset. But days before she would constantly burst into tears saying she doesn't want me to go and just holding me, I let her know I didn't want to but I had to. The night before when we packed was so emotional, she just kept bursting into tears every hour but then at the same time she would switch and get agitated and angry with me but she didn't want me to leave. But when we went to bed she got snappy and it's as if she rushed past the emotions and as if she was repressing them a bit. The day of me leaving she was so emotionally fragile that just touching her would cause her to burst into tears and then the goodbye was so emotional. We both just cried and we just couldn't leave, we kept kissing and holding each other for ages and she would say things like "I don't know what I'm going to do without you", "I don't want you to leave", "Don't forget me" and "I will always love you". She made me promise I'd come up and stay with her. Even thinking back now brings me to tears. And as I left her new flat I could hear her crying so loudly from the hallway. Then the whole way home she was texting me saying that "It wasn't fair", "I need you here", "I miss you" and how she can't bring herself to do anything without me. She keeps sending me kiss emoticons and telling me she misses me. She won't unpack because I'm not there and keeps bringing up things that remind her of us saying that everything does. Posting really emotional songs on Facebook and telling me to listen and even still talking about having kids together. She kept talking about me coming up and staying with her. One day she was even talking to me about how she could transfer Uni to being to one near home and such a guilty part of me really wants her to do that so we can rebuild things at home because she said that she thought this wouldn't happen if we were in London. Also her nan is getting quite ill and she raised my ex like her mother and I know she'd love to be down here looking after her as well as the fact that she has always hated the town we lived in and is always happier in London, but I can't tell her that because it looks scheming. For a few days after she spoke to me all day and called me five times in one night because she wanted to hear my voice. Then one morning she text me and I asked what she was upto for the day and she said going to an outdoor pool with "work friends". I don't know if it's because I've developed an untrusting nature but I didn't believe her because she names her work friends when she's with them and because I saw on this guys Facebook that he was going to an outdoor pool. But I didn't raise it up and just left it because I know it would only strain things between us and I guess since we aren't together it really isn't my place anymore. But it kills that after a few days she seems back to normal and now she's seeing this guy and doesn't text me all day till the evening. And since she's seemed distant, she seems normal but it's like she's repressing her feelings although they have slipped out a few times like telling me "I hate going in the lift and not pressing for our floor and going to our flat" (She lives in the same building). But she's also started being off with me and not seeming like she wants to talk and cutting me short. And today I haven't even heard from her I tried to spend the whole limbo period between the break up and moving out being mature and dealing with it responsibly. I know actions speak louder than words and I wanted to be remembered for who I am and how we were together and what we shared than the bitter and horrible things I said because I didn't know how to deal with losing her. It seemed to get across because we were closer than ever before I left and she saw that I was more helpful and cleaned. I looked after myself more and I got back into great shape and she clearly appreciated it because she would try and take naked photos of me and couldn't keep her hands off me. I looked after her nan and got her 80% off an expensive Dyson hoover through a work discount. I even painted her new flat and built her new furniture because it was old and disgusting and when she took me up and I saw how upset she was and she said how much she hated it, it broke my heart. On the other hand she was so hard to tell, full of mixed signals. One minute she loved me and the next she seemed happy to be without me. She could never explain why she loved me so much and still wanted to be with me but then couldn't get past not wanting to be in a serious relationship to work on it. She'd sometimes get off with me and say such horrible things, like; how she didn't want to have sex with me (when her body and things she said and did said otherwise), that our relationship was mostly **** and so on. But I never took the bait. She even told me that if I had tried in the first few weeks then would've gotten back together, which kills because I could've stopped all my pain but she never wanted to talk about it so I gave her space I'm just so torn over this. I can tell that she still loves me as much as she always has been and still wants to be with me, and that we could still work by the way we were together till I left and the way she was when I left. But at the same time I can understand how she is so hurt because I left her feeling unwanted and as if I didn't love her anymore after she did everything for me. I understand how she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship after that but at the same time we have such a strong foundation and still such a strong love and attraction that I can't understand how that isn't worth working on. But then I don't understand how she can have been with two guys already especially if she doesn't want to be in a relationshp. It feels like I don't matter and I worry that she doesn't actually want me to anymore. I try to figure out what these guys have that I don't because first things first, they definitely don't have the bond we do and the closeness and she isn't even serious about them. And whilst I try to be modest than me, they aren't any better looking or in shape than me, in fact they have a lot of traits she always told me she hated and work in jobs that make as much if not less than me (and she hated my job). But at the same time I can't help but feel like I am not enough for her physically because if all of our history and the love we share isn't enough, then what is it about me that makes her not want to be with me. I try not to take it personally because I know she has never not been seeing someone and she jumps from guy to guy (in the sense that she's never properly single and not seeing someone) and part of me sometimes wonder if it's not even about these guys but about me, maybe trying to find someone to fill the void or take her mind of not being with me. I don't understand all the lying when I find out and know anyway, I don't know if it's to protect my feelings (which I've told her so many times not to) or if it's because she doesn't want to push me away but she just isn't ready for a deep relationship. I want to be back with her so bad and work on this because it just feels like something that shouldn't be wasted. But at the same time I think no contact could work. I don't want to over crowd her with my feelings because I know she has her own. No contact worked before when we were just friends and made her realise what we had was not worth wasting and she jumped straight into a long distance relationship with me. But at the same time I am worried that it would push her away because we broke up over her feeling like I don't care and no contact might make her think that. I just love talking to her too and I can tell she still does. I'm just starting to regret moving out of town because we're so far apart and it's going to cause strain in that sense. I don't like being back in my parents and I just miss her all the time, we are from the same area and everything I go past reminds me of her; from schools, dates and just every event. Sorry that this is so long it's just hard to put the past three months into short form, I really need some advice because I am losing it here.
Author Dan250391 Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 Update: So after and a half of what you could call no contact; I went out with my best friends and we went to the gym and went to get food, at a place that we used to like to go to (Wasn't special for us we just liked it). Then she called me during lunch and I answered. She said Hey as if nothing was up and asked me what I was up to and told her I what I was doing, so she said "Ok I'll leave you to do what you doing"; I said "Ok I'll talk to you later". Then I find out later than evening she has deleted every form of contact with me; deleted me on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and also blocked me on WhatsApp. I tried to call her this evening and got no reply, so I left it at that. I won't lie it hurts. She's blown up over me being with my friends. It kind of reaffirms my beliefs that no contact wouldn't work because it would hurt her and make her feel like I didn't care again. It was great being with my friends because they helped me worry less about everything and talked me through things. We made loads of plans for the summer and had a great day. But when it passes I cant help but want to come home to her and be with her. I miss her and just want to talk to her, hear her voice. Part of me knows that I shouldn't feel this way; when she ****ed this all over, she had everything from me after we broke up and after everything she couldn't take me back and carried on the way she was. She didn't want to get back with me but still carried on with how much she loved me and wanted to be with me, even talk about future things like kids and marriage. But then she couldn't sacrifice her feelings of not wanting to be in a relationship to be with someone she "loved" so much and work on things. Then she has the nerve to blow up about me being out with my friends. But then a part of me just wants to make all of this right. I still love her and she clearly still loves me and the bond is so perfect. I just hate the idea of throwing everything away because whilst I know we'll both get past it, I doubt there will be anyone for either of us who love eachother the way we do. I want to send her a message and tell her how I feel and that the just because I'm out with my friends it doesn't mean I don't want to be with her but just that I need something to take my mind away from the pain. I'm so lost
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