Where is the line between BF and Ex?

[Far afield]

Earlier this year I fell hard for an ex-pat from a Mediterranean country whom I met while working abroad on business. We had some breakthrough moments of emotional intimacy early on that very quickly established a strong sense of connection.

 

After we had been together for about two weeks his vacation to his home country suddenly got moved up. He was leaving in two days, and by the time he returned I would have left the country. The night he told me he was leaving, his behavior towards me seemed to change. He brushed off my questions about whether we would keep in touch while he was away. I was in emotional shock at the suddenness of it all and didn't push for clarity. I left the next morning without any clear idea of where things stood between us.

 

On the day of his flight I texted him to ask if he had time for one more visit. He didn't respond. I started to realize that I'd been dumped. Although I sent him a friend request on Facebook a few days later and he accepted, he didn't contact me at all. I figured if he had wanted to be in touch with me he would have been. Since he didn't, it was pretty clear that he didn't want me in his life.

 

Over the next six weeks I put in a lot of effort getting over him. I did as well as could be expected, and my feelings gradually lost their intensity. I waited a few weeks after getting back in country and then texted him to see if he would meet up for a coffee. Of course there was a bit of hope that maybe he would change his mind once we met, but I felt that I had moved on enough to handle the disappointment if it turned out not to be the case.

 

He was really excited to hear from me and surprised that I waited two weeks to get in touch. He insisted that he hadn't dumped me. He said he had called my local number when he got back from vacation and left a message for me with one of my work colleagues (which I never got). He never received the text I sent him on his last day (totally plausible, as the networks here are terrible).

 

I adore this man and took him back right away. He has a tremendous capacity for empathy, an emotional availability that turns me on incredibly. We made love that night, and things were even better than before. We were both head over heels; we started to feel like a real couple. He told people at his workplace that we were together.

 

And then everything ground to a halt. While I was gone he had been promoted, and he was completely overwhelmed with his new responsibilities. He was working seven days a week, sometimes until midnight, and still not keeping up. For the first week after we got back together, he didn't explain what was going on and just kept breaking dates without explanation. He wouldn't actually break the dates; he just would fail to get in touch in time to finalize arrangements and I would eventually realize that it wasn't going to happen after waiting all night. Finally he spoke to me by phone and explained that he was having conflicts with his boss. I said I was really glad that he told me about it and that I would wait for him to work it out.

 

I thought we had broken the communications impasse, but he kept on the same way. It was very frustrating. I tried very hard to find ways to see him without adding to his stress, but they never worked out. At first I thought he wanted to see me as much a I wanted to see him, and that it was just external circumstances that were keeping us apart. Finally, he had an evening off. We talked about getting together. But he spent three hours going grocery shopping with his roommate and only texted me once it was too late to go out. I was crushed that he finally had some time and didn't choose to spend it with me. His roommate is a total jerk who spends time playing sugar daddy to a local girl and avoiding phone calls from his wife.

 

It's been a few more weeks and we've pretty much stopped communicating. He hasn't updated me on his work situation. What seemed like a temporary crisis requiring extra hours has turned out to be the norm for his new position. Or at least, I'm guessing that's what happened in the absence of any actual information from him. It's been incredibly frustrating. I understand that he's busy, but it concerns me that he completely shut me out of his life without even the courtesy of a conversation. When I called him on the phone he wouldn't answer, and I would be secretly relieved. Feeling completely shut out but not wanting to give up, I sent him a five-part text message explaining my need to sit down and have a conversation with him. I asked him to make the time in the next week or so where we could have this conversation.

 

No response.

 

Is it time to move on? Clearly we have no relationship right now. I am not part of his life. But I felt(and occassionally still feel) more passionate about him than I have about anyone else in the past 15 years. Intimacy with him was a complete revelation for me; I have never felt this way with anyone and felt that there was so much to explore with him. When I'm with him, he's 110% emotionally available and just present. He makes me feel safe and open and connected, all things that have been completely lacking in my entire life.

 

But when he's not physically present he's nowhere to be found. The sense of connection withers and disappears. I'm not sure what to do.

[along60years]

I hate to say it, but he sounds like a liar and a possible narcissist. You are way too good for this man and if he wanted to see you, he would regardless of how busy he is. I say go NC on his ass and give him a taste of his own medicine. He'll either pull it together or you will move on faster, but please don't allow him to keep treating you like this. I am not convinced "work" is the real reason for any of this and would not trust this man. Sorry, I hate reading replies like the one I am writing and if he is empathetic he likely doesn't have narcissistic personality disorder, but he should also know damn well how he is making you feel if he truly is empathetic. I am not convinced he is not a narcissist reading what you've written and certainly wouldn't want a relationship with someone I could not count on and trust. I want to kick him in the balls...

[Far afield]

Hi, Along60, judging by your response I have really made this guy sound bad! I'm surprised at your take on things so either I am not seeing what is there, or I've done a really bad job of getting his character across. There are certainly things about his behavior that I can't quite explain, but I don't think there is ill will behind his actions. Maybe confusion, or some element of shame, or simple overwhelm.

 

The situation is more complicated than I described. His father passed away two months before I met him. I soon realized that he was torn apart with loss and disconnection, trying to cope with his father's death while being separated from his children, mother and sisters (with whom he is close) and friends back home. He is divorced, and I think he still suffers emotionally from that loss as well. He's definitely not looking for meaningless sex. I think in the very beginning of our relationship he may have been grasping at love as a distraction from all he had lost, and an understandable desire to feel good again. I can hardly blame him for that. I had my own reasons for jumping in feet first. Although I never saw him (or our relationship) as perfect, I discounted and rationalized all of the things that troubled me about his character (which I won't go into here).

 

I know that I am not his ideal match or the kind of woman he ever expected to be with. I tend to be aloof and intellectual, whereas he is an extrovert and very good with people. He loves kids (his own, and children in general), and is extremely devoted and proud of his role as a father. He has tremendous respect for women as mothers, a role I have never wanted. Those differences are the things that attract me to him.

 

I agree with you that work does not seem to be the only reason for the breakdown between him and me. Definitely something else going on there. I may never find out what it is. For all the anguish that I've gone through (most of it in my own head), I've only seen him once in the past two months, and before that, knew him only for a few weeks. He's broken my heart twice now, but I have to say that I've recovered both times and can do so again if I need to.

[StrongLass]

Honestly?

 

Your first post screams EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABLE MAN while your second screams EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABLE MAN while you're trying to rationalize why that's ok with you for God knows what reason.

 

Seek better.

[Far afield]

StrongLass, thanks for your observations. This is why it's good to get an outside opinion: what you found screamingly obvious totally blew past me.