along60years Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 (edited) Hello, I am new to this forum and want to tell you a bit about where I am. My boyfriend of a little over 6.5 years broke up with me about 6 months ago. We met at 19 and 22 in college, moved in together after 1.5 years when he graduated and I transferred schools, lived together for 4 years, and then long distance for a year when I graduated and took a job offer 4.5 hours away from our home. We were living in a small town and it was my only job offer so we didn't discuss that decision as a couple much and just kind of made the transition on autopilot. He has a job he likes a lot, but said up until the end that he thought he would be moving to where I am, granted when I asked about it, which I did more and more frequently towards the end. We had talked about marriage throughout our relationship, had names for our kids picked out, etc. but after I moved it became much more one sided. He works in the wine industry and just before Thanksgiving we hit a rough patch after I got a blacked out voicemail from him and couldn't get through when I tried to call back. I almost broke up with him over that because I was so worried and felt sick about it. He cried on the phone and didn't want to break up and we sorted it out. I went to his family's house for Thanksgiving (my first holiday with them, though I had spent a lot of time with them previously, I just usually spent holidays with my family and he alternated). It was a nice trip, but he again had too much to drink with his brother and since it had only been 2 weeks it was a bit of salt in the wound. On our way back to his house (long drive) he said that he'd like it if I'd come back for Christmas with his family the following year since we spent that Christmas with my family. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas we had another little hiccup and when I brought up breaking up he said "if that's what you want". I was floored and immediately backtracked. That was the first time where he has not disagreed with the idea of breaking up. I noticed over the holidays he had been getting a little distanced and always being the one to end our calls (he called the same time everyday because he doesn't have cell service at home and would call on his way home from work). On our last day at my family's house for Christmas he had a bit of a tiff with my mom and left without saying goodbye to me. I followed him out of the house and he said goodbye then, but wouldn't have had I not followed him out. He apologized later for leaving like that. The night before he broke up with me he was in a rush to get home after work and have a shower before going out to dinner with friends so I felt cut off and thought it was odd that it was so important that he get a shower beforehand, but he did shower every evening. I called him later on when I thought he'd be done with dinner. He answered and said he was on his way home and going to drop people off. I said I was tired, but he said he'd call back after he dropped people. I waited forty-five minutes or so and didn't hear anything so I called back. He answered immediately and said he was having a glass of wine with one of the people he'd had dinner with at her house. I asked why he hadn't called like he said and he said he thought I was going to bed because I said I was tired. I said it made me uncomfortable that he was in her house alone with her and he said he was sorry and should have excused himself when her roommate when to bed and would leave shortly. I should have left it at that, but then I just got really upset (too tired I guess) and started yelling and telling him to send me my house key. Eventually we said goodnight. The next day I texted asking what time we would talk (it was his day off so he had to drive into town to talk). He replied, then I asked if anything happened and no reply. When he called he said the second message hadn't gone through until he drove into town. I told him he should talk and then he broke up with me. He said he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life and didn't want to keep worrying me and that I had expectations that he wasn't sure he could meet. I cried, started to beg and he old me not to, said he would always love me. We talked for a really long time and at the end I asked him to call the next day and he did. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me, and when I asked if we would get back together he refused to say no, but didn't want to give me false hope either. Over the next 2 months we talked every 1-2 weeks always at my initiation. He always answered my calls and they were always a bit rough, but he continued to call me hun and say "I love you too". After that I went NC for 46 days because I was just hurting so bad and didn't know what else to do to feel better. He didn't contact me at all during that time. I finally called because in the pit of my stomach it went from feeling like I shouldn't call to suddenly feeling that it was a mistake not to. We talked for a long time, both had a lot to say and he still called me hun, but neither of us said I love you at that point. We continue to talk every 1-2 weeks and they are always nice conversations. We have a lot to say about our lives, how we feel, what we are up to, they are personal, but never about us or our relationship unless I mention something. I typically initiate, but he always calls and will ask to talk again the next day when I do. The Friday before last we talked and he said he'd call that Sunday and didn't. He called Monday and immediately apologized and said his cell battery had died. We talked a bit and again he asked if he should call again sometime soon, not a specific day this time I assume because he just had apologized for not calling when he said. It has been almost 2 weeks and he hasn't called since then. I am on the fence about whether to call at this point or wait. Our conversations have been really nice, but always feel a bit distant even when we are talking about personal things. I want him back and believe that he is my soul mate. I have been seeing a counselor and working through my own and issues I see in the relationship since then. I think because we were so young when we started dating neither of us had an understanding about what it takes to make a relationship work. Especially being long distance the last year, I think we were on autopilot because it is hard to have relationship conversations over the phone and our phone calls got more stale and I was always going back to asking when he was going to move and if he wanted to marry me. He said he thought he would be moving by the coming holidays. At this point I don't know what to do any more. At what point do I give up on someone I love. Everything I want for my life doesn't seem nearly as enjoyable knowing that I can't share it with him. I miss him and truly believe the problems that we did have could be worked out, but I don't know how to inspire that in him nor how to reconnect on a deeper emotional level on the phone. We are still communicating and well, but we haven't seen each other in 6 months. I can't imagine my life without him, but where can I go from here. I regret taking my job and moving away from him almost everyday and have to remind myself that it was the best decision I could have made. I can't tell if pride is part of why he held back and continues to because he doesn't want to be supported by his girlfriend, follow her again, admit he made a mistake, and is afraid of not getting into schools or having a hard time finding a job again. He has issues with depression, and was being more affected by it towards the end of our relationship and struggled a lot when we first moved in together and was looking for a job so he could stay with me while I finished school. I really just don't know. Am I just making a fool of myself and letting him keep me on the back burner or use me for my friendship to help with loneliness or does he still care. He seems to, and is always enthusiastic to talk to me when I call, but I just don't know. Only interacting over the phone seems to really be hampering my ability to reconnect with him. It is important to be with someone in their presence to really connect. Should I call? Should I see if he wants to see me? He didn't sound adverse to it when I mentioned it to try and feel out the possibility. I truly love him and want him to be happy even if that means he is never with me again, but I can't imagine my life without him. He was my partner, is my soul mate. He said post-NC that he thought things hadn't worked out because we didn't spend enough time together over the last year of our relationship. Not sure if that is really how he feels. During another call I mentioned that I thought things didn't work out because when we should have been working to be more like the other person we were both becoming more stubborn and rooted in our ways. He has quit smoking, mentioned that if he goes back to school he thinks it should be for something practical instead of what he originally planned to do, has been to the doctor, become more financially responsible and is thinking about his future. All things that I had been pushing him to do while we were together. I just don't know at what point to give up and let go of it. I know we could work things out and feel like I have so much more perspective and a better understanding of relationships than I had before because I was just so young and unaware thinking our relationship would never end and would take care of itself. We have 2 things in our lives relationships and career. With all the time and effort we put into the later it is amazing how many people seem to think relationships don't take any work and just float along, like we did. Consciousness in relationships is important and it seems like there are rough patches and waves and you have to be prepared and committed to working though it instead of getting caught up in the fantasy we all see in films. It sucks that the older I get the more stupid I realize I was and am. I fought hard for so many things that seems so ridiculous and unimportant now and all of my mistakes and things I am ashamed to have done. But, I did the best I could at the time and have to remind myself of that and avoid regretting taking my job. Now, I just don't know what to do. I love him so much, but don't know how to break through and recover that love. Is it possible to just forget love? There was no loss of attraction and he was still saying I love you until I stopped, so I believe he still cares. What is the difference, where is the line? I know I can't change him and that has been freeing, but I know things could be so different with the awareness and growth we have both experienced in this time. I don't know if I should call, wait, or give up and the decision is tormenting me. I think I will stay single. I know I could meet someone else, but I don't want to spend my life with someone who I know deep down is my second choice and just a filler or means to an end (having a family, etc.). It has been 6 months and it feels like so much time to have wasted without him and as though he is just being stupid and that this is a mistake. Also, 60 years suddenly seems like a very long time to have to live without him in my life. I love him and I don't know anything anymore. Edited July 13, 2013 by along60years
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