anne1707 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 Whether he feels awkward, what he thinks etc should be totally irrelevant and no concern to you. Texting him has told him that you are still thinking of him. He now knows that he could still get you back into the affair. He really does know how to play you with all this you text first stuff The ex OM in my case would try to play me by trying to catch my eye, wiping the crotch oh his trousers in my office :sick:, sending me texts which he then denied sending me etc. All power games. It ended when I stopped reacting to it. When I started focussing on what I really wanted. My marriage.
Author Helen A Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 Oh he totally has played me I think. Think he thinks ill be back for more. That's it now tho I mean that I will not message him again first. He doesn't care about me to him it was just fun. Why did you decide to end it? Did u ever regret ending it?
anne1707 Posted July 16, 2013 Posted July 16, 2013 If you want to know my story, read my threads from when I joined. This thread is not about me. And 100% no regrets.
Author Helen A Posted July 16, 2013 Author Posted July 16, 2013 You always say that. Lol. I will tommorow. I like people's stories interesting its Gud to know I'm not the only crazy one xx
anne1707 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Betsy Its no good just reading stories because they are interesting. You need to try and learn from them too. As an example, when I first came to LS I posted on this particular forum but I was told (correctly) that if I was wanting to reconcile with my H then I should post my threads in the Infidelity forum. The OW/Om forum keeps the attention on the Om. The Infidelity forum attends to the marriage. I suggest you follow that same advice and start working properly on your marriage. You will also then start to learn how BS feel which I still think you have never really considered. However I expect you will remain here sadly. And that you will be posting about further contact soon.
Author Helen A Posted July 20, 2013 Author Posted July 20, 2013 Welll... we all went to the beach spent the day had a BBQ and it went... FINE. Does this sound weird but it's as if it never happened? I honestly don't think that he likes me. He only said a few words to me all day I was with other people and my hubby etc. I genuinely believe he's not interested in me. I don't know what the texts were all about because it's just weird. And do you know? I don't care. I am a bit hurt but I really don't care, seeing him there with his family that's where he belongs he's happy not with me. And I wouldn't swop my hubby for anything honest to god. It was a weird day for me because I now feel better than I have in months I don't care if he never messages me again. I much prefer his wife and although I've been awful I'd rather be her friend than his. I homestly felt like he didnt give a monkeys about me and I don't think he did he just wanted a bit of attention . So to clarify this is well and truly over with just a few hurt feelings my side but it could have got much worse. I'm done with him. I even looked at him and thought I didn't think he was that nice looking too. Feel quite weird about it all x
anne1707 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Whilst I am not entirely convinced that this is all over in his mind (or your's), it does sound as if the bbq went ok. However you must remember that there is alway the possibility what his wife or your husband will find out and they will see days like this as a continuation of the affair. You are adding insult to injury by forcing them (unknowingly) to spend time with each others' affair partner. Try to imagine how you would feel if you found out that your husband had not only had an affair with someone you trusted and that they continued contact with them and the OW spend time with you and your kids. What about my suggestion regarding posting on the Infidelity forum? 1
Author Helen A Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Hi Anne, I don't think I need to post there now. I'm not having an affair. And yes ok it's pretty bad but it wasn't a physical affair it was only texts/words. We been friends for so long it would be weird not to be. I'm just going to forget it now. I think if we'd started sleeping with each other then we couldn't be friends etc but it didnt go that far. No more messages or chats one to one anymore. He can get on with it with his family and if he wants an affair he can look elsewhere. I don't want to break up my family anyway. Really I'm so lucky... How bad this could have got. Feel a lot better again after yesterday and back NC with texts/ etc. just see them when we do something all together.
anne1707 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 It may not have been physical but it was still an affair. You only texted him again a few days ago because you were worried about him. You have not been doing NC. You are still not really working on your marriage. That is not another dig at the fact that you have not told your H. Its about the fact that there must have been reasons why you had the affair. You have done nothing to figure these out and deal with them. You have done nothing to work on the problems there must be in your marriage (please note that does NOT mean your H is a bad husband before you accuse me of saying that). Your head in the sand attitude is not going to solve anything. Doing what you did before is not going to stop you from having another affair. You need to take responsibility and act.
anne1707 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I noticed you ignored my comment about how you would feel if your husband made you spend time with his OW. You have to realise that your H will not be able to say this affair was no big deal, lets all be friends when he finds out.
Author Helen A Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Oh I would definitely not have another affair/EA/involvement with anybody else. For a start who? I'm not looking for anybody else. The reasons were for attention it was nice - like I said after years of being with the same person ( 18 I'm 34 now)it was just exciting. I can't think of anything realy really wrong with my marriage - I just liked the excitement. The OMs wife and I were chatting and she also told me that he bores her, she would like sum excitement in her life, maybe an affair?how weird is that. So I guess a lot of people feel like that. He's not going to find out about the texts like I've said what would be the point in that? They're done and dusted the last inappropriate one was in may. And I'm 100% the OM will never say he doesn't want to lose his wife.
Author Helen A Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 How would I feel? I'm not sure until I was put in the position. Like I said tho, although awful, saying and doing are different things. An EA is different to a PA, even though none of them are exactly nice.
anne1707 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Still avoiding questions on working on your marriage I see. Why are you here on LS Betsy? What are you hoping to get from your threads?
Author Helen A Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Is there any reason why I shouldn't be on love shack? I'm here to talk to people.
anne1707 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Yes but what are you specifically hoping to gain from your threads? Generally people start threads for advice, support, let off steam,..... Most of those who are not starting threads are wanting to help those thread starters. To do this, it helps to understand what the thread starter is after. Otherwise in can just feel like a waste of time.
Author Helen A Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Let off steam, advice, etc. I haven't told anybody about this and it's done my head in.
anne1707 Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Advice about what specifically ? Why is this so hard??????????
SoleMate Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Socializing together is an offense to your H and his W. Go NC.
Author Helen A Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 This post was just saying that I had been a few weeks NC and should I go to the BBQ that his W had asked me to originally. Nothing is hard you just seem to comment on my threads and for some reason end up getting really annoyed as if you think I shouldn't post here ,
anne1707 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Nonsense. My issue here is whether I am wasting my time here genuinely trying to help someone who does not want help. Your initial posts suggested you were after help and advice and there was something about your story that reminded me of my past hence I thought I could offer some insight. Yet you have completely ignored all advice given by many posters. You have not even gone NC. You refuse to go to the Infidelity forum which is the correct forum for you to post in if wanting to work on your marriage. Instead you continue to focus on yourMOM. Thinking about him, texting him, seeing him. You are doing absolutely nothing at all to work on yourself or your marriage. Everybody here can see this except you. If you want to just "chat" you can do it without me. As it is, I just feel as if I am talking to myself in your threads as you consistently ignore questions I ask or points I make.
Owl Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Point to notice, Betsy. On the first page, when it appeared you were looking for advice, you had several posters respond. As the thread continued, and it became apparent you weren't interested in USING the advice you were being given...fewer and fewer posters bother to read/respond, as they realize that you're not looking to create change in your situation. Anne's stuck with you longer than anyone...she's kept the hope that you would change. Remember, she's been through something similar, she's got some solid insight into what it takes to recover, both personally and as a marriage...from infidelity. Odds are, she's out at this point too, leaving you with very few folks likely to respond to your threads in the future. People don't like to spend time and energy offering advice to those that don't appear to want/use it. 1
Author Helen A Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Anne. I am again focusing on him after breaking the months NC, and I need to stop. You are right with that. I have these crazy urges to message him and I don't know why? As there is nothing really left to say now? I don't want to take things to the next level and I don't think he wants anything to do with me. So why do I want to message him? Is it because it became a habit and was everyday and now I feel weird without it? I feel a little crazy and obsessed even though I have decided that its over and I do mean that bit. I do need to focus on my marriage but I feel after getting in contact again, crazy and back at square one.
Owl Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Anne. I am again focusing on him after breaking the months NC, and I need to stop. You are right with that. I have these crazy urges to message him and I don't know why? As there is nothing really left to say now? I don't want to take things to the next level and I don't think he wants anything to do with me. So why do I want to message him? Is it because it became a habit and was everyday and now I feel weird without it? I feel a little crazy and obsessed even though I have decided that its over and I do mean that bit. I do need to focus on my marriage but I feel after getting in contact again, crazy and back at square one. This is exactly why everyone has been insisting that you NOT go to the BBQ. You're back to square one. But...even given good advice, you ignored it. Hence the frustration with trying to help you. Does it matter WHY you feel the way you do...what should matter most is that you ARE feeling that way, and you're doing nothing to change that. Start listening to the advice folks are giving you, and you may make some headway.
Author Helen A Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Owl why am I back there tho? Stupid. This wasnt even a proper affair? It would have got my hubby wondering why if I'd refused it we hadn't seen them for three months and we all see each other most months. In the BBQ, I honestly looked at him and thought this is over what have I done. I think I'm mental.
Owl Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Owl why am I back there tho? Stupid. This wasnt even a proper affair? It would have got my hubby wondering why if I'd refused it we hadn't seen them for three months and we all see each other most months. In the BBQ, I honestly looked at him and thought this is over what have I done. I think I'm mental. You're back there because you are in denial about this being an affair, and fail to recognize the addictive nature of affairs in general. You insist that it wasn't an affair. Do a google search on the term "emotional affair". Read the definitions provided on various sites, and see if you don't see yourself in those pages. Next, do a google search using the words addicted and affair...read the stories you get back there. Let me ask you a point blank question...is there ANYTHING you've said or done with this man that you would not have said or done in front of your husband? Can you tell your H all about all of the interactions you've had with this man without fear of your husband being angry/hurt/feeling betrayed by your actions? If you can say yes to that last question...then tell him, and get his help in working through your feelings about the whole situation. If you can't...then you've been in an emotional affair. And frankly, the best thing to do is to STILL sit down and tell your H about this, and ask for his help and guidance in sorting out what to do about this and what to do to help you fix your marriage.
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