How should I handle this?

[Magna]

I met a guy online about 7 months ago and we hit it off right away. The connection was there for both of us. We talked all the time, everyday, ALL day up until last week. He would send me "good morning" messages, we would message back and forth in the afternoons, and we would Skype late into the night on most nights.

 

We started talking about our feelings about 3 months into the "relationship", about how we wanted more from each other, and things seemed to be moving in the right direction towards meeting up until last week, when he started rationalizing everything and picking apart the relationship on his own, and putting pressure on himself to commit to me, which he couldn't do unless he met me to make sure(which is understandable). I never ever pushed for a commitment. This was all on his part.

 

The problem is, we are a long distance away so its not like he or I can just drive a few hours to see each other on the weekend. The distance is 3,000 miles, and him and I did NOT want a LDR that would drag on, after we did meet.

 

However I have no attachments where I am living and would have picked up my life and moved it to where he is to see where this relationship was going to go if we met and hit it off. Anything LD would be a very temporary thing. Part of his rationalizing though was pressures that he was putting upon himself and thinking if things did not work out for whatever reasons, he didn't want to take the emotional responsibility of me coming out there all that way.

 

Last Saturday he was telling me how beautiful I was, how he is always thinking about what I am doing when we are not talking, how I would make him happy, you know building up my hopes and emotions. Then later on in the conversation he just switches gears and says he cannot do it anymore because he needs something more physical, and that the distance between us is killing him.

 

Although it made me feel pretty helpless, I assured him that we could work things out, and have been very patient and supportive of his feelings, and that when we DID finally meet that things would be a lot better and the wait was worth it. I tried to keep positive, and reassure him it would work out.

 

The next day comes around and he sends no messages, no skype nothing. I waited until later that night to message him, and I got no response. This was not his usual "routine" of letting me know what was going on, so I sat there all night wondering if he had ended up in a ditch somewhere, since this was out of the ordinary for him. I only sent him a couple of messages seeing if he was okay and then went to bed finally. Nothing excessive.

 

The distance continued until Weds, where he apologized for being such an "indecisive bastard", where we had another conversation about our situation, where again he tells me I am beautiful and that I am worth it and he wants to take things slow "to make sure" which I respected, but then told me that he cannot make an actual commitment to me unless we meet, and he doesn't want to meet unless he really knows he will commit. Which makes NO sense to me at all. Is it really that complicated? I was not asking for a commitment, and never did ask for one. I just wanted to meet to see where things went from there.

 

Next day more distance, until later that night I finally just asked him if he was ignoring me or what was going on. He tells me he is feeling smothered and pressured by me. I was not feeling well at all and got angry and frustrated with him and said some things I should not have said. I quickly apologized the next day in a respectable way because I was out of line, and have not said anything to him since.

 

He turned off all messengers and is now emailing me only through the forums where we originally met.

 

He responded to my apology tells me he is not angry anymore, and told me he enjoys me and our friendship and he still wants to be my "friend". But he says he doesn't feel for anything more, and that too much "bothers him", and that he doesn't want to pick it apart and that he apologizes for hurting me or any pain he has caused. ?????

 

I KNOW this is not true about his feelings, and he is putting this back on the pressures of me moving there and taking a big chance and probably still angry at me, and being a little passive aggressive. Why would he be building me up emotionally 4 days prior to emotionally knocking me down and telling me the complete opposite to push me away? He is also checking to see if I am on the forums, and is posting much more than he ever has before as if hes just trying to fill a void with his time.

 

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this? I really do CARE for this person and have clicked with this person unlike anyone I have ever been with. He is WORTH it to me. I don't care about moving or anything. I just want to get to know him better in real life.

 

Do I just do no contact?

 

Do I respond to his email, and tell him I agree with and respect his decision and there are things that bother me about him too? Then do no contact?

 

I don't want to push him away more, but I do not know what to do to make things right again and get things going in the right direction if it is not too late.

[Aveenolover]

Wow, that sounds a lot like the guy i've been talking to. Same time frame, too. We ended up meeting in may, though and everything went great. He even told me he liked me a lot more than he thought he would. Even wanted to introduce me to his cousin/best friend.

Anyway, he too expressed some concern about long distance dating and, like you, i told him i could easily pick up and move to him because i don't have anything holding me down over here. Things seemed to be going pretty well and he acted like he was going to ask me out soon (he was supposed to drive down here this weekend...as in...be here right now) But starting around the 4th of july he started pulling away. Slowly at first. Stopped sending me the good morning texts. Then stopped texting me all day. Stopped wanting to talk to me on vent (like skype kinda). Now, he hasnt talked to me AT ALL (no texts or anything) for two days. I texted him once last night and he hasnt responded. All i asked was, "did i do something to upset you or something?"

 

My plan: I deleted his number out of my phone so i wont be tempted to text him again. Everyone says to chill out and just let him come to me. He could have a lot on his mind and i dunno. it seems selfish for them to pull back but what can we do? The more we pester them the more it pushes them away. Also, i found this online, The Pull Back Phase Part 2: Consider What REALLY Matters | gettingtotheotherside

 

I dont know if thats what our guys are doing but i guess the only thing we can do is relax, do us and give them the space they want.

[ExpatInItaly]

I met a guy online about 7 months ago and we hit it off right away. The connection was there for both of us. We talked all the time, everyday, ALL day up until last week. He would send me "good morning" messages, we would message back and forth in the afternoons, and we would Skype late into the night on most nights.

 

We started talking about our feelings about 3 months into the "relationship", about how we wanted more from each other, and things seemed to be moving in the right direction towards meeting up until last week, when he started rationalizing everything and picking apart the relationship on his own, and putting pressure on himself to commit to me, which he couldn't do unless he met me to make sure(which is understandable). I never ever pushed for a commitment. This was all on his part.

 

The problem is, we are a long distance away so its not like he or I can just drive a few hours to see each other on the weekend. The distance is 3,000 miles, and him and I did NOT want a LDR that would drag on, after we did meet.

 

However I have no attachments where I am living and would have picked up my life and moved it to where he is to see where this relationship was going to go if we met and hit it off. Anything LD would be a very temporary thing. Part of his rationalizing though was pressures that he was putting upon himself and thinking if things did not work out for whatever reasons, he didn't want to take the emotional responsibility of me coming out there all that way.

 

Last Saturday he was telling me how beautiful I was, how he is always thinking about what I am doing when we are not talking, how I would make him happy, you know building up my hopes and emotions. Then later on in the conversation he just switches gears and says he cannot do it anymore because he needs something more physical, and that the distance between us is killing him.

 

Although it made me feel pretty helpless, I assured him that we could work things out, and have been very patient and supportive of his feelings, and that when we DID finally meet that things would be a lot better and the wait was worth it. I tried to keep positive, and reassure him it would work out.

 

The next day comes around and he sends no messages, no skype nothing. I waited until later that night to message him, and I got no response. This was not his usual "routine" of letting me know what was going on, so I sat there all night wondering if he had ended up in a ditch somewhere, since this was out of the ordinary for him. I only sent him a couple of messages seeing if he was okay and then went to bed finally. Nothing excessive.

 

The distance continued until Weds, where he apologized for being such an "indecisive bastard", where we had another conversation about our situation, where again he tells me I am beautiful and that I am worth it and he wants to take things slow "to make sure" which I respected, but then told me that he cannot make an actual commitment to me unless we meet, and he doesn't want to meet unless he really knows he will commit. Which makes NO sense to me at all. Is it really that complicated? I was not asking for a commitment, and never did ask for one. I just wanted to meet to see where things went from there.

 

Next day more distance, until later that night I finally just asked him if he was ignoring me or what was going on. He tells me he is feeling smothered and pressured by me. I was not feeling well at all and got angry and frustrated with him and said some things I should not have said. I quickly apologized the next day in a respectable way because I was out of line, and have not said anything to him since.

 

He turned off all messengers and is now emailing me only through the forums where we originally met.

 

He responded to my apology tells me he is not angry anymore, and told me he enjoys me and our friendship and he still wants to be my "friend". But he says he doesn't feel for anything more, and that too much "bothers him", and that he doesn't want to pick it apart and that he apologizes for hurting me or any pain he has caused. ?????

 

I KNOW this is not true about his feelings, and he is putting this back on the pressures of me moving there and taking a big chance and probably still angry at me, and being a little passive aggressive. Why would he be building me up emotionally 4 days prior to emotionally knocking me down and telling me the complete opposite to push me away? He is also checking to see if I am on the forums, and is posting much more than he ever has before as if hes just trying to fill a void with his time.

 

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this? I really do CARE for this person and have clicked with this person unlike anyone I have ever been with. He is WORTH it to me. I don't care about moving or anything. I just want to get to know him better in real life.

 

Do I just do no contact?

 

Do I respond to his email, and tell him I agree with and respect his decision and there are things that bother me about him too? Then do no contact?

 

I don't want to push him away more, but I do not know what to do to make things right again and get things going in the right direction if it is not too late.

 

How do you know these are not his true feelings, given you've never actually met him in person?

 

It's hurtful that he's been hot and cold and left you feeling totally confused. This guy clearly has no idea what he wants if he's flip-flopping like that. I'd leave it alone for now; he's having major reservations and you don't want to invest more than he is.

[Magna]

Thanks for the responses. I have done just that. He knows deep down what the right thing to do is, and I am sure he is stirring on it. I just needed the reassurance and neutral advice.

 

I WAS emotional over this but for the past couple of days I have been really good with it and feeling in control at the moment and enjoying the space myself. I hope this continues.

 

I also hope he comes out of his cave eventually but I have no control over that and I have accepted it. Basically it's all on him, he knows how I feel and there is not much more I can really do.

[FitChick]

Sometimes the fantasy is more appealing than the reality. The reality is more work.

[Magna]

Sometimes the fantasy is more appealing than the reality. The reality is more work.

 

Yes I understand this. It is just hard not to get wrapped up into it. Now I'm going out of my mind. Teeth keep chattering and I have the worst anxiety today.

 

I cannot believe I am reacting like this over someone I have never met.

[Magna]

Update on situation:

 

He finally spoke to me last night, and I really hurt him badly. He compared me to his ex! And while he says he is no longer angry he is obviously hurting.

 

How can I fix things or is this "relationship" done?

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry, no offence meant but it's not a good idea to say you'll move for someone you've never met, neither is it wise to commit to someone before you meet them, you might not hit it off face to face in the same way you do/did online.

 

He clearly doesn't know what he wants and there's no point pushing someone for answers when they don't even know what they want themselves.

[LisaLee]

Yeah, he sounds indecisive. Going into any relationship takes work, but going into an LDR takes 110% commitment, time and energy. If he is flopping so early in the relationship I would hold your horses and try not to invest emotionally so soon. Also, it doesn't make sense to promise commitment and then meet... I think he has it backwards. =/ Why not just meet as friends without all of these romantic expectations?

[Magna]

Yeah, he sounds indecisive. Going into any relationship takes work, but going into an LDR takes 110% commitment, time and energy. If he is flopping so early in the relationship I would hold your horses and try not to invest emotionally so soon. Also, it doesn't make sense to promise commitment and then meet... I think he has it backwards. =/ Why not just meet as friends without all of these romantic expectations?

 

This is what I was saying. I feel SOMETHING for this person but I am not sure if it is just fantasy or if its the start of something that could be long term.

 

The flip flopping just started, because I think he has been thinking about it and wants to do the right thing, but is confused as much as I am about HOW to do it. Everything seems so backwards, from meeting someone face to face.

 

I do not want a commitment to an online boyfriend and I do not want a LDR that is going to drag on for too long. I want something tangible. I just wanted to meet to see what happened. IF things progressed to a more serious level, then I would not mind moving because I have nothing here. I am an artist so I can move and im not tied down. Where he lives would make more sense for me anyways because it is an artsy area that works in the same medium as I. I just wanted to make that clear.

 

I purposely have avoided online relationships in the past because of this very reason. Its stressful, and there is a lot of risk involved. This one has just been special, and got through all of my barriers.

 

Now I am doing damage control. I'm just going to continue doing my own thing and see if he comes around. I just don't know how to make things better. I really hurt him, and want to make things up to him.

[kelly_wandering]

1) How did you hurt him??? (It totally seems the other way around from what you posted here!)

 

2) Why can't you go to visit him? Just for a few days? If he doesn't even want to let you do that, then give up.

[Magna]

1) How did you hurt him??? (It totally seems the other way around from what you posted here!)

 

2) Why can't you go to visit him? Just for a few days? If he doesn't even want to let you do that, then give up.

 

1. I snapped because he told me I was smothering him, when I was not, and told him he wasn't any different than just another *******. I told him to delete all of my pictures. Then I left. When I cooled down I saw the damage I did. I just couldn't take the stress anymore.

 

I apologized, and he sent me a response that made me angry. And I pretty much questioned his maturity and manhood and treated him like a child. Which I KNOW I should have never done. He is also a couple years younger than me so that made it worse.

 

I am usually a very patient person but this online stuff is just nuts. Its like if you starve a person for 2 weeks straight and then stick a 3 inch thick pane of glass in between them and a huge steaming feast that's fogging up the windows. That is what it feels like.

 

What really hurt was knowing how much I hurt him, and then him comparing me to his ex. I apologized and agreed with everything he said, and all bets are off for now. I feel horrible and disgusted.

 

2. He was going to come visit me first but I don't know if this is ever going to happen now because of my outburst. He is very defensive and very touchy and I'm just letting him have the space he needs.

 

For now I am just playing it cool, and just hope that things will work themselves out.