Albert555 Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 So I am really struggling with my breakup and I should be over it by now; but I still can't help feeling like I screwed up and it just eats at me. We dated for 4 months, but broke up in January, so like 6 months ago. Essentially she was very insecure. I was really busy in law school (we both were) and we never really talked that deeply about her trust issues with me. There were some complaints and worries she had that indicated it, but I never like straight up asked her if she completely trusted me or, like, specifically told her she has no reason not to trust me. I went to study abroad in the spring semester. Right before I left we had a big talk about our relationship. She was hesitant to stay together when I left, but we talked and I thought I reassured her I was committed to her and wanted to stay together and did not want to date anyone else when I was abroad. She broke up with me 2 weeks in, saying she just couldn't do long distance and needed to focus on school. I came back home about 2 months ago; we talked once but we're not going to get back together. I just really feel like I screwed up and it is my fault she broke up with me. She was a really sweet girl and I liked being with her, but I dont think i told her enough she needed to trust me or did a good job of identifying that the trust issue was her problem. i understand one needs to feel confident in themselves before they can get into a real healthy relationship, so maybe she really just couldn't handle it. However, it just eats at me I let her get away by not calming her insecure fears enough and I am really struggling to move on from it.
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Sounds like she had some reservations about your relationship even before you left and used you going away as an excuse to end things. Insecurity is probably a part of it but there are likely other factors that played role in her decision, such as she might not have been very invested. I don't think the break up was your fault and you should really let it go at this point.You didn't "let her get away", she left because she just didn't want to be with you anymore. And if someone doesn't want you, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do.
SammySammy Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 What? You screwed up by not calming her insecurity? Dude, you can't change another person. They have to do that for themselves. If you've done nothing to make her insecure, then you're not responsible for her insecurity. I feel that if you don't have mutual trust, then you essentially don't have a relationship. The same with mutual respect. She did you a favor by breaking up with you. You never would have had a successful relationship with someone who doesn't trust you no matter how hard you tried. I would be grateful and move on.
Author Albert555 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 I guess my underlying question is whether you can ever have a successful relationship with an insecure person? I mean there has got to be a way to do it b/c plenty of people (men and women) are insecure. This is the second insecure girl I've had a relationship with and both of them really bothered me because I felt like if I showed them I cared more, we would still be together. After the breakup I felt like I didn't do enough to show them I loved being with them. So there must be another way to handle an insecure partner than the way I went about it. Or maybe there is not, and an insecure person just is not ready for a relationship. She would get mad at me for things like not writing on her Facebook wall, taking her to a date to a fun restaurant, but using a groupon, and telling one of my friends (who my ex was common friends with and knew it was a completely platonic relationship) that she was pretty when my friend was complaining to me about guys. I dont think those things, on my end, indicated that I didn't like her. But they really upset her. It was like she was always looking for reasons to show her I didn't like her.
Author Albert555 Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 And yes in the spring she was a 1L; I just finished my second year.
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