BeautifulBlueEyes Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 So I have a story much like many people on here. I started dating this guy, fell head over heels for him and things were going great. We made it to six months and were happy. Two weeks after our six month in May...he drops the break up bomb, he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't know how he feels right now, isn't sure he loves me that way. What seems to be the standard break up script. Talk about devastated (still trying to swim out of that pool) and shocked. If there were signs this was coming...I totally missed them. I couldn't accept that this was the end, felt (and still feels) like we are made for one another. I didn't go NC, should have but couldn't, because we share mutual friends. Fast forward to June - We meet up to talk and he agrees that he doesn't want it to be over and the idea of it being the E-N-D bothers him. So we (me *ashamed*) come up with this stupid plan of hanging out through June then taking a break in July. No calling, hanging out once in the middle of the month, and possibly at a few friend functions. He agrees because he says he does love me, he just feels overwhelmed, etc etc. He gave me a very important necklace of his to hold on to as faith/proof throughout July that we'd be alright and I did the same. Blah blah blah. Then I get a 2nd job at the only place that calls me back after papering applications and resumes all over where I live. . The problem is it's also where he works but I take the job anyway. I need the money, different departments and we won't see each other much. I talked to him about it and he gave it his blessing. After all, we're together but just not? (I know it makes no sense - I just couldn't accept reality). At any rate...I was full of HOPE (the big swell your heart, choke your throat kind)...that it would work out. Even the one week was really hard on me (apparently I am more insecure about him than I realized) because I love him but I was willing to do anything to make it work. We my first night on the job I am walking the store and I see him and a friend he introduced me to. All I over here from the friend is "Hey..isn't that" and my ex responds "yea, thats my ex". Talk about being punched in the gut and it hit me. If he thinks of me as an ex...this will never work and I just need to be an ex. Reality pretty much punched me in the face so that night after work I sent him "If you think of me as an ex...we should just call it like it is" and the only response I got was "I don't want to talk about this tonight" so I let it go. The next day was supposed to be a group hang out but I backed out telling him that I was going to finish out July right. Our friends support this (even though it means I am dropping them for a while because they don't think he is being fair to me because he is throwing out TONS of mixed signals). So for July No contact, no calls, no hanging out..even in groups. He doesn't exist to me for while. Not because I think the "break" is going to help but because I need to accept that we're done. I've taken off the necklace (haven't given it or the other few things of his I have back...so maybe I am stupidly still holding some hope. Trying to stomp it out). I accept that I am single again. I accept that we aren't going to work out. I even accept that I deserve better than him (we had problems with communication, his exs popping up, my fears, etc). I am hoping after time has passed we can be friends (probably not). The problem is I still want him and want to be with him even knowing that us being separate is better. But I am tired of the uncertainty...I truly deserve more than this shovel of sh*t. So my questions for people are... a.) How do you squash that want? b.) how long did it take for the pain to fade (maybe not disappear) to an invisible level? c.) any general advice someone can give for me to navigate this cess pool? Thanks
lessica Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I am really sorry you are in this position. I have just come out of a 7 year relationship, and it is extremely hard, but I do feel it is so much easier to understand this far than the track, compared to if it happened 6 months in, especially if you have invested a lot already. I feel like the honeymoon faze isn't even over at 6months for everyone. Which can make it feel like an absolute stab when they walk away. Because it genuinely feels GOOD. I think I would be more crushed if my ex left me at that point than I am today, because I was hugely invested already, and above all happy, and still madly in love. a.) How do you squash that want? You need to reevaluate yourself, and give in... let go, no contact, and give him nothing he wants. No contact will ease the pain for sure, you may end up feeling repulsed at his disregard for you. b.) how long did it take for the pain to fade (maybe not disappear) to an invisible level? This all, in my opinion, depends on your own self respect. If you can establish a decent amount of respect for yourself the pain will go away pretty swiftly, might turn to anger for a bit, and then you will be indifferent. c.) any general advice someone can give for me to navigate this cess pool? My advice is that this guy checked out of a relationship when it was fairly new, and had no 'real' problems. This is a big red flag that this guy was not ready to commit. There is nothing you can do about this.. by giving yourself to him, and accommodating his requests you opened yourself up to get hurt. Please try not to take his actions too personally- I don't think is anyones fault. He just isn't available in the way you are. At this point I think you need to walk away. And tell yourself it wasn't right and was not worth holding onto. Forgive and forget. Accept it. It could take a long long time to get over if you let it get the best of you, or keep questioning it. I know it hurts, a lot. But it will get better, don't sacrifice yourself for someone who isn't ready for you. It just isn't worth your time or energy. We should never pine for, or love, those who don't love us the same amount back. Period.
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