sgirl728 Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 I want to hear from married men....If you knew of multiple affairs in which your wife had, would you stay? If there were no children or house involved would that have make a difference? She did not disclose the affairs to you, you find out from other people...what would you do...here's the catch, you are extremely close to her mother and family as she is to yours and you have been with her for 20 years....
DazednConfused Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 One was enough fer me, nuther one and one of us goes...
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Sgirl, You can't stay with someone for the sake of the inlaws. Things change, people change...Nothing will be the same...But you can develope diff. relationships with his family as he with yours. I am a woman sorry, not a MM... Hope this helps abit??
Bryanp Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Hello, I am a married man now but divorced my ex-wife when I found out she was in an affair. I am newly happily married and I love my wife very much but I would leave in a heartbeat if she was engaged in an affiar. I think a man would have to have some serious psychological problems to stay with a wife who had and continued to engage in serial cheating. The fact that she never confessed makes it that much worse. Why would a man wish to stay with someone who consciously cheats, betrays, lies, puts your health at great risk and makes a mockery of your marriage? I would think a man would have to be masochistic to stay in a relationship within the situation you described. This is just my opinion.
reservoirdog1 Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 I found out about TBXWW's affairs from her, but only because other people knew and she realized she had no choice but to tell me first. There was no house involved, but 2 children. And, I really loved her parents and family. After I found out, I was initially in shock... which meant I was pretty much willing to do anything if it meant she'd work on the marriage and not leave. Over time, that changed. I realized that I didn't want to be her jailer or have to monitor her movements forever, that I didn't want to be paranoid for the rest of my life, and that if I stayed with her, the marriage would only ever be "okay" -- not "great". I realized that, by staying, I would be betting on a long shot. After all, the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour, and she was a serial cheat. I realized that I would be recommitting myself to somebody who had already demonstrated a willingness to betray and deceive, and who might never be willing to put her obligations to me and our family foremost in her mind. If it had only been an ONS, maybe it would have been different, but I'll never know. 1
TMCM Posted October 23, 2004 Posted October 23, 2004 I was once married to a woman [first W] who had multiple affairs that I became aware of by breaking into her hotmail account. To say that I was shocked is a tremendous understatement but it did explain her horrible and cruel behavior towards me and our very young daughters. I tried pleading, threatening, negotiating with her to get into counseling but it fell on deaf ears and was cruelly told "I will continue to have as much sex as I want with whoever I want". I stayed married to her for a few more years for the sake of our daughters [but with zero love for her] until one documented incident of child endangerment which I used as my ticket to file for divorce and seek full custody of our daughters. I got my divorce and physical custody was granted to me with supervised visitation rights for her. She continued with her self destructive lifestyle some months after our divorce until one day she tried to commit suicide, and was taken to a mental institution for observation and treatment. My XW had finally hit rock bottom and could no longer escape the truth that she had destroyed her marriage and her family through her self destructive behavior. She made the committment to get therapy to conquer her demons and eventually she became well enough where she was able to get a job [she had been at SAHM] and a place to live on her own. By the time that happened, I was already in a committed relationship with a woman who had also been married before to a man who had cheated on her as many times as my XW did to me. Word got to my XW through our daughters of my new relationship and she told me how deeply sorry she was to have hurt me and our girls and to please give her another chance but it was too little too late for me to give her another chance considering what hell I and our daughters had gone through for years. I had no more love for her and the love that I did have was now for another woman who did not have the inner demons that my XW had. Since then I have married the woman I had a committed relationship with and I couldn't be more happier. My XW has respected my marriage and has ceased her futile attempts to get me to reconcile with her. I no longer harbor any anger or bitterness towards her [gave it up before I met my new W] and am very happy for my daughters that they've recovered their mother from the abyss of self destruction. IMNSHO a person, man OR woman, who engages in multiple affairs is an extremely dangerous person to be married to. Dangerous to the physical/mental/emotional health of the BS [betrayed spouse] and to any children born from that marriage. From personal experience I have found that it is almost next to impossible to help such as spouse without that person acknowledging he/she has extremely serious issues that need to be addressed through counseling and therapy. And as I've seen with other folks who have gone through similar experiences as mine, the multiple affair spouse very seldom acknowledges he/she is destroying his/her marriage, loved ones and him/herself even AFTER the truth is discovered. A betrayed spouse will recover much faster by divorcing this kind of unfaithful spouse than to stay married to him/her and wrestle with the lack of trust, resentment and bitterness for years and years to come.
Owl Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 My wife had an emotional affair online about 5 months ago. The pain it has caused me is more than I can describe. We're recovering now, but I have to say that if she were to do anything like this again, I would cut my losses and walk away in a heartbeat. I will NOT be hurt like this again. If it were to happen multiple times, there is no way that I could possibly trust her again. Just my thoughts.
ThumbingMyWay Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by DazednConfused One was enough fer me, nuther one and one of us goes... I'd have to agree with Dazed on this.... hows it go...."fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"
Author sgirl728 Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 I appreciate all of your posts. I know this guy still loves her, but again has no trust for her. I'm not sure if he really even wants out, but I feel he will be making a huge mistake if he stays with her. I was in the same situation and I finally decided enough was enough. In a man's opinion, do you feel there is anything I can do or say to get him to see the light and finally leave her sorry a$$??? He says he needs to catch her in the act, but I don't think he is really trying very hard. I just don't understand how in the world he could stay...
Author sgirl728 Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 TMCM, I'm glad you had the courage to get out. His situation is VERY similar to yours except, they have no children. They do not even own a house. Do you think there is anything someone could have said to you or done to make you walk away sooner?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by Owl My wife had an emotional affair online about 5 months ago. The pain it has caused me is more than I can describe. We're recovering now, but I have to say that if she were to do anything like this again, I would cut my losses and walk away in a heartbeat. I will NOT be hurt like this again. If it were to happen multiple times, there is no way that I could possibly trust her again. Just my thoughts. Stick you your guns and make sure your wife knows the consequences - make them very VERY clear to her. My husband didn't stand up for himself, and my online affairs got more involved and eventually led to cheating. We're ending our 13-year marriage now, after 5 years of this behavior of ours, on and off, and I'm not the only one - he did the on-line thing too although he says he didn't get emotionally involved, yeah whatever. I'm getting counselling now too so that I don't repeat this behavior in my next relationship, although the next guy will satisfy my emotional needs right?!
TMCM Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Originally posted by sgirl728 TMCM, I'm glad you had the courage to get out. His situation is VERY similar to yours except, they have no children. They do not even own a house. Do you think there is anything someone could have said to you or done to make you walk away sooner? I seriously doubt it because my main concern was for daughters wellbeing and leaving them in the hands of their mother at that time was tantamount to throwing them to the wolves. In a way it was good that I did that because eventually she did screw up bigtime and I was able to use that against her in seeking physical custody of our daughters. I know that it sounds cruel to say that but you have got to realize that my W was a lost cause [at that time anyway] but my daughters were inocent children who needed the protection of their father. My daughters and I went on camping trips, theme parks, and made new friends while my XW did her self destructive number. If I had to do it again, I would not change a thing. As far as your MM is concerned, I may be mistaken but if he and his W have been together for many years there is the distinct possibility that he is afraid that she might take him to the cleaners if he decides to divorce her. Many men, like your MM, chose to live in loveless marriage where both they and their W have extra marital affairs to fight the loneliness that such a marriage brings. If this is the case, you may want to suggest to him that if he is truly serious about leaving his W that he should start planning his divorce [retain a pitbull divorce attorney with a proven track record] so that he doesn't get pre-empted by his W. If that happens, he probably WILL get taken to the cleaners.
Cecelius Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 20 years buys her certain rights. For example, if I thought she gave her phone number out to the wrong guy, I might take it in stride. But one slip up, a kiss, a romp, and she's gone. No drama, no pain. Just gone. There are too many women in the world who will be decent enough to you (assuming you're bringing your best game); why stay with someone who pulls you into an abyss like that?
jmargel Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Originally posted by sgirl728 I appreciate all of your posts. I know this guy still loves her, but again has no trust for her. I'm not sure if he really even wants out, but I feel he will be making a huge mistake if he stays with her. I was in the same situation and I finally decided enough was enough. In a man's opinion, do you feel there is anything I can do or say to get him to see the light and finally leave her sorry a$$??? He says he needs to catch her in the act, but I don't think he is really trying very hard. I just don't understand how in the world he could stay... Not really. He's probably in denial right now. Be a friend to him, and don't expect much more from him than that. Even after he finds out he's going to be a wreck for awhile. But there are two sides to every story. Read the link in my signature. Usually for one person to cheat, there needs to be major problems in the relationship.
250r Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 All I can say is irregardless of the situation, anyone cheats on me is gone from my life for good. I don't care if I was dating/engaged/married or had ten children with that person. I would spend every last penny on legal fees for permenant custody as well.
TMCM Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Originally posted by 250r All I can say is irregardless of the situation, anyone cheats on me is gone from my life for good. I don't care if I was dating/engaged/married or had ten children with that person. I would spend every last penny on legal fees for permenant custody as well. That may be true, but you won't know for sure until you cross that bridge, will you?
250r Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 lol, very true. I guess I can say that I hope I have the strength to do that. I have left one 2 yr relationship b/c of infidelity albiet it I wasn't married although we were discussing it....
Moose Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Originally posted by sgirl728 I want to hear from married men....If you knew of multiple affairs in which your wife had, would you stay? If there were no children or house involved would that have make a difference? She did not disclose the affairs to you, you find out from other people...what would you do...here's the catch, you are extremely close to her mother and family as she is to yours and you have been with her for 20 years.... Hmmmmm, first, I would confront her about it with my proof to see if she'd confess. If she confessed to it, I would see if she'd be willing to stop. I have been married for 16 years and I love my wife's family....dare I say, more than my side of the family. I should say that I'm just closer to them. I would have to evaluate how I've been treating her too. Did I push her into it? Have I been neglecting her needs? How have I been as a Father to our Children? Have I supported her in every way possible? If I deem that I've been everything and done everything that is expected from a good Husband/Father.....then I would persue Divorce if she wasn't wiilling to stop.
anon2 Posted October 31, 2004 Posted October 31, 2004 And I qution my decision all the time. She cheated early in our relaionship and I didn't find out for 16 years. I found out when she confessed to a then current affair. I was floored and uncomprehending. We had two small kids and i sucked in trying to move forward. It's been 10 years since then. There are times i loathe herr, and times I loathe myself for not having booted her a$$ to the curb>
PatientOne Posted November 1, 2004 Posted November 1, 2004 Originally posted by anon2 And I qution my decision all the time. She cheated early in our relaionship and I didn't find out for 16 years. I found out when she confessed to a then current affair. I was floored and uncomprehending. We had two small kids and i sucked in trying to move forward. It's been 10 years since then. There are times i loathe herr, and times I loathe myself for not having booted her a$$ to the curb> I understand the feeling, and it's been 20 years. I still have twinges. It's never too late to make a change in your life, remember that.
anon2 Posted November 1, 2004 Posted November 1, 2004 And things are soon coming to a head in that regard.
Author sgirl728 Posted November 2, 2004 Author Posted November 2, 2004 So Anon, are you finally going to leave her?? See, that's what I'm worried about, he'll stay and be miserable for years and then leave anyway, years later....
anon2 Posted November 2, 2004 Posted November 2, 2004 Because she has not been forthcoming with what I have needed to know, nor a good expression of remorse and mortification at her actions. And those are important to me even if I have feelings for her. The long-term impact of a cheating wife is not to be ignored or you get, well, my life.
Jayman Posted November 2, 2004 Posted November 2, 2004 anon2, I know your pain My girlfriend of 2/12 years was cheating with a kid of 17 she's 29 I caught her with the help of a chat nanny . She still won't let the thing go and in her email's she say's it was all worth it Bitch . Needless to say now I'm playing nice for the cheep rent and sex . I'v got a new place to live when the road get's too rough . I'm going to move out soon and in with a woman from work . ( there's nothing between us not at all ) But I'v had a date with a former girlfriend who was very young when we dated 10 years layter we have done some growing up could be a good thing . This was the best time for my girlfriend to mess up I don't want kid's in this mess and the children's TV show I work for will be national in a year . Gee how many cute single mother's would not dig having a good looking boyfriend who work's for a children's TV show ??? Yes I'm beating my own drum . But in time's like this we need to .
Ladyjane14 Posted November 2, 2004 Posted November 2, 2004 Originally posted by Jayman Needless to say now I'm playing nice for the cheep rent and sex . That's not too nice! Aren't you getting down on her level just a tad?
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