How long did it take you to get over your ex-or how long have you been trying?

July 13, 2013

Like, how long where you together, where you the dumper or dumpee, was it a good relationship in your opinion, and how long did it take/is it taking?

A week out of a 7 year relationship.. living together 6.5 years. Feeling completely lost.. know I should continue with no contact to speed things up, but really finding it hard.

Thanks everyone!

July 13, 2013

I was in a 3.5 year relationship and it took me about a year to be completely over it and actually not caring whatsoever even laughing about the breakup. with my current ex I was in a 2 and a half year relationship, a VERY INTENSE one actually. After 4 months, I feel quite OK. I still think about her from time to time although not as much as in the first 2 months. I do miss her and overall I am happy I got to be with her because she is an amazing person and we were perfect for each other in so many ways. Well... it doesn't always workout. But I do value my memories of our relationship.

I think you have to give it time and keep yourself busy. 7 years is a LOOONG time and I assume you have toons of memories with your ex. If the breakup wasn't that bad (as in no cheating or deception involved) then you'll have to mourn your relationship and NOT resent your ex. If there was cheating/deception then I for one would STOP caring like NOW. I mean A cheater doesn't deserve any compassion/feelings/suffering over.

Good luck!

July 13, 2013

I had 1.5 year relationship. Very weird break up with a lot of unnecessary stuff along the way. It's been two months and I can enjoy the life better than before I met her (when I was also single). Honestly I can say that for 6 weeks I was in a bad shape, day by day the light was brighter. About two weeks ago the process was quicker and quicker and now I only think about her when I think about memories, but it's that way of thinking like I'm thinking about my high-school years when I'm in my home town (which currently I am on holiday actually)..

Of course I can't compare myself to your very long relationship. But if you find the right mixture I'm sure you'll find the way..

And I have to admit, at one point I went into NC for 10 days, and that sped things up massively!

July 13, 2013

It's all situational. I was the dumpee roughly 1.5 months ago, coming out of a 4+ year relationship. I too feel lost, as if my schedule is completely thrown off leaving me to coordinate things on my own. I'm a very independent individual however, when you are in a relationship you can't help but to be sucked in like vortex and to a certain degree become "needy" of your loved one. NC is half the battle, I'm learning through my own experience that getting through any break up is the equivalent of keeping in shape, keeping in good mental shape if you will. With that being in said you must apply a combination of techniques such as redirecting your thoughts when amazing moments of you and your loved one inadvertently flood your head in addition to rerouting them towards things that actually matter and the now. I like to tell myself that I have not lost a thing but rather gained it all in life. I now have my freedom and feel empowered to do as I please, making wiser decisions and living a much healthier lifestyle. Remain strong, and most importantly remain in control, we all have weak moments and that's simply all they are "weak moments" don't allow those moments to make you do things you will later regret. Remember this too shall pass and you will come out of the a wiser and stronger person.

Edited July 13, 2013 by JDPT

July 13, 2013

Yeah, I do feel in order for me to keep my emotions in check I need to go with no contact, at least to get a chance to think about it objectively.

The day by day think is of course the reality of it..so be it I guess.

It was a very untypical breakup-I think. He began drinking/partying quite constantly over the last few months. He had previous drug/alcohol issues which began to resurface (he had worked very hard for a long time to deal with them), I became very anxious and bitter as things got worse. He went ahead and met with the doctor, they prescribed antidepressants, and he just woke up one morning and said he was done. He took that day off work, paid for a new rental, and came back to collect his things a week later.

There was no cheating involved, but he most def fell into some bad habits instead of working things out.

The day he left he told me he loved me over and over. Cried. Would break down while packing, saying he was confused, what had he done, didn't know if he had done the right thing.

I reciprocated, was just kind,supportive, and told him that it would all work out in the end. Not a cruel word was said. (I had spent the previous week crying, and accepting). I realize there are other issues at play here, but all in all he is a very strong individual despite his problems-he does deal with them.

I wonder if all the confusion was coming from a place of 'actual' confusion, and actual second guessing, or if this was just part of the process for him. And his decision was made.

I hope that no contact is the right way for my to proceed. Obviously I need to look after myself. But it still doesn't feel like the end of the story..

July 13, 2013

I was in a very similar situation. I can only suggest this, he clearly has not for a long time been in a health mental state. Give him time to sort things out and make an attempt at figuring out what's going on with HIM as it's ultimately taking a toll on your relationship. Give him some time and space, when he is ready and this is if you are willing to be there for him and work something out, figure out what's going on from a very objective stand point, don't necessarily focus on what's going on with the relationship but rather see if you can be of any assistance in figuring himself out. I know this may be a lot to ask for but if you love him and care to work it out you will try your hardest to be there for him.

July 13, 2013

I was in a very similar situation. I can only suggest this, he clearly has not for a long time been in a health mental state. Give him time to sort things out and make an attempt at figuring out what's going on with HIM as it's ultimately taking a toll on your relationship. Give him some time and space, when he is ready and this is if you are willing to be there for him and work something out, figure out what's going on from a very objective stand point, don't necessarily focus on what's going on with the relationship but rather see if you can be of any assistance in figuring himself out. I know this may be a lot to ask for but if you love him and care to work it out you will try your hardest to be there for him.

Thanks JDPT- so you think that no contact is not necessarily the most productive in this situation? I really want to be there for him, and have been 100% in the past. I am just very weary of falling into an enabling situation, I don't want to encourage things getting worse for him... I believe at this point he chose to leave because he was unwilling to face his current problems. It does lessen the blow for me that there are a lot of factors beyond my/our control at play. But on an emotional level, I feel like this has potential to be really damaging for me. What would you consider to be a useful level of support for me to give, without it being detrimental to me, but without abandoning him?

July 13, 2013

6 months relationship. It was very intense. We saw each other 4 or 5 times a week. We had classes together. She stayed over the weekends. I was the dumpee. It has been almost 3 months now, and I'm pretty much over her. You just have to stay strong.

July 13, 2013

Thanks JDPT- so you think that no contact is not necessarily the most productive in this situation? I really want to be there for him, and have been 100% in the past. I am just very weary of falling into an enabling situation, I don't want to encourage things getting worse for him... I believe at this point he chose to leave because he was unwilling to face his current problems. It does lessen the blow for me that there are a lot of factors beyond my/our control at play. But on an emotional level, I feel like this has potential to be really damaging for me. What would you consider to be a useful level of support for me to give, without it being detrimental to me, but without abandoning him?

Now these may sound contradicting but just hear me out if you will. What we fail to understand numerous times about our loved ones is this, we believe we need to be there for them at all times and we disabled him/her to a certain degree. Your loved one is a grown man, he can make his own decisions whether right or wrong and quiet honestly there are certain times when we can't simply control an outcome. On the contrary, I believe NC is very productive in this case as it gives him time to fend for himself in addition to taking the time to figuring out what has been bothering him for a long time, and clearly communication is key but this is one of those times to just let him be. An person seeks help when he is ready to make changes even if those changes are half-hearted there is still a very small portion telling you that the life you are living has and will continue to be detrimental and when he is ready to make the change this is when you can jump in and once again be there for him. Now, I understand your concern for his well being but you can't put your life on hold while he sorts himself out. You need to continue living you can't stagnate with the understanding that he will eventually need assistance. As stated previously he is a grown man he can take care of himself as he has in the past when you were not around, just think about that. Just like you took care of yourself as a person when he was not around, you can do the exact same. Give time some time it will be ok.

July 13, 2013

Thanks JPDT, that makes a lot of sense to me. it is exactly what I needed reminded of. I didn't once strain against his choice to leave, and I encouraged him to do what he felt he needed to do for himself. It was killing me to be selfless, as horrible as that sounds I just wanted to scream at him, but I managed it. It did remove conflict from being an added issue which was about all I could muster. Heartbreaking all the same, but I think very necessary for us both. I am still a bit stuck with the 'do I call it quits and use no contact to move on and forget', or 'use no contact as a means for space and reevaluation, not necessarily moving on'.

Thank you for the perspective, it helps a lot.

Edited July 13, 2013 by lessica

July 13, 2013

Thanks JPDT, that makes a lot of sense to me. it is exactly what I needed reminded of. I didn't once strain against his choice to leave, and I encouraged him to do what he felt he needed to do for himself. It was killing me to be selfless, as horrible as that sounds I just wanted to scream at him, but I managed it. It did remove conflict from being an added issue which was about all I could muster. Heartbreaking all the same, but I think very necessary for us both. I am still a bit stuck with the 'do I call it quits and use no contact to move on and forget', or 'use no contact as a means for space and reevaluation, not necessarily moving on'.

Thank you for the perspective, it helps a lot.

That's a very good question. I would use this NC phase to evaluate the relationship as you understand it. View it from a very objective point of view, leave all emotions aside (now I know that's very difficult) but start making mental notes or perhaps write them down, what do you want in life? what do you look for in a loved one? what are you expectancies? ask yourself, ask yourself questions that matter to you. On the other hand, don't torture yourself with these questions, simply analyze and be very honest with yourself and yourself only. When you start setting standards, things will gradually start falling in place.

July 13, 2013

Being objective is my number one goal, I think being blinded by love has given me a very skewed perception of what I want in personal relationships, and it has blurred my standards completely- they have never been fixed while seeing him, a bit of denial on my part maybe. You have completely validated my most persistent thoughts, which is really relieving at a time when emotions are all over the place, and I don't know which thoughts are most reliable. Now it is just seeing no contact through. ugggh.

Thanks again!

July 13, 2013

Being objective is my number one goal, I think being blinded by love has given me a very skewed perception of what I want in personal relationships, and it has blurred my standards completely- they have never been fixed while seeing him, a bit of denial on my part maybe. You have completely validated my most persistent thoughts, which is really relieving at a time when emotions are all over the place, and I don't know which thoughts are most reliable. Now it is just seeing no contact through. ugggh.

Thanks again!

Love sugar coats it all. I was just at the gym and my ex popped in my mind and something in particular that I never agreed with and saw as a flaw in her popped in my head, and although I missed her dearly I asked myself, do I honestly want someone like her in my life? my heart, love and perhaps irrational thinking replied "yes!" but when I step back and clearly analyze it all in hindsight the answer is "no!" because it will only bring me back to a bad place that I will never like to go back. Weak moments are the worst, but as I probably already mentioned, we need to be in complete control regardless of our world crumbling beneath us somehow someway remaining strong and keeping it together helps. We reach a point where we no longer miss him/her 24/7 and every second of our lives is a battle, we then proceeded to intermittently missing and thinking and this is when we need to be very vigilant of those moments as those moments can lead us to making decisions that we will later regret. You are doing the right thing, it's ok to be a little selfish and there are certain times in life when you need to do what's best for you and you only.

July 13, 2013

It is utter chaos, thank goodness for retrospect and time removing that irrationality. I have decided to make a list about the problems, the potential for solutions, and the negatives.

Hopefully if I do this when I am feeling most rational I can have something to return to in times of weakness so I see the whole picture.

I am quietly terrified than he is going to contact me begging to try, and I will be left to make a decision that leaves me open for a very troubling future. I feel like with addiction problems, and mental health issues involved there is always a degree of anxiety that goes along with it and essentially steals away the happiness. The last few weeks I was having panic attacks if he came home drunk.. it is just not good, so it makes any reconciliation that much more risky.

Actually, it might be a good thing that I am talking about, processing, and considering these things so soon.

July 13, 2013

It is utter chaos, thank goodness for retrospect and time removing that irrationality. I have decided to make a list about the problems, the potential for solutions, and the negatives.

Hopefully if I do this when I am feeling most rational I can have something to return to in times of weakness so I see the whole picture.

I am quietly terrified than he is going to contact me begging to try, and I will be left to make a decision that leaves me open for a very troubling future. I feel like with addiction problems, and mental health issues involved there is always a degree of anxiety that goes along with it and essentially steals away the happiness. The last few weeks I was having panic attacks if he came home drunk.. it is just not good, so it makes any reconciliation that much more risky.

Actually, it might be a good thing that I am talking about, processing, and considering these things so soon.

It's always good to reference back to something that you managed to jot down when you had a little bit of sanity and serenity. It is so difficult trust me it is, we are all on the same boat but we will manage to get through this.

July 13, 2013

It takes time and dedication to yourself, my girl left me after 3 years together, after 3 and a half months she came back, at this point I've moved on enough to say no thankyou and move forward, I loved her and she tore a hole inside me when she left, the early days were unbareable, the days after that are tolerable, move along with only you in mind, everything will turn out fine.

July 13, 2013

A year and counting...

July 13, 2013

I was in a 6.5 year relationship, living together for 4 years, and am the dumpee. It has been about 6 months since the break up and I am still working on getting over it. I did a tailspin into depression, lost 20 lbs in a couple of weeks, and was crying and thinking about it all the time for a while. I haven't seen him since we broke up. After 2 months of phone calls (initiated by me every 1-2 weeks) I went NC for a month and a half because I realized I was in so much pain and it hurt worse to talk to him and eventually I just embarrassed myself, and I wasn't even that bad/obsessive/begging, but that was enough to say "whoa now, you are better than this and cannot change him, but you can choose to feel better".

I started seeing a therapist after the 1st month of misery and apparently that is one of the #1 reasons people start going, so keep that in mind if you find you might need it. Going was one of the best things I did for myself. Sometimes it can really help to talk to someone who is less biased and has an outside perspective. It took me that period of NC to really be able to pull it together and regain control over my emotions. I no longer think about it all the time and it is getting easier to distract myself, but I still cry sometimes and don't want to get out of bed.

Really, it just sucks. He was my first love and nothing anyone says will make the pain go away and hearing that you will feel better eventually won't speed it up. I think my biggest realization in it all was the less I asked for advice, read dating articles, googled how to get him back, and the more I was quiet and tried to hear what I felt, thought, and make my own decisions the better I felt and the more calm things seemed to be.

1 week is really nothing and, it may get worse before it gets better I which I hate to say, but it will get better. Sorry, I can't offer a magic piece of advice, I will let you know if I find one. Also, I still want to get back together with him and that slows down the healing process from what I can tell about myself verses others who have a never get back together rule or can managed to hate the other person for awhile. I just hated myself.

I will tell you, my therapist said if you want to call call, but at some point you may find that it hurts more to do so than not. You will have to figure that out for yourself like I did. You cannot change the other person, they need space and time to breathe. I read the book "The Passion Paradox" (now, "The Passion Trap") and it really made me feel better and gain an understanding of the dynamics, but you have to sort out how you feel and I don't know if it would have helped me had I read it sooner after the breakup or not, but I do recommend ordering a used copy on amazon.

DISTRACT yourself, says the biggest hypocrite in the world. It will be REALLY REALLY hard, but it will help and you just have to keep trying. My rule now is I call if I want to call, but the rest of the time I do my best to think about/do other things. You have an opportunity to recover parts of yourself that were stifled by your relationship and figure out what YOU really want.

Sorry, I talk a lot... heavy subject. Chin up, you will be fine.

July 13, 2013

New, trying to delete this.

Edited July 13, 2013 by along60years

July 13, 2013

It's all situational. I was the dumpee roughly 1.5 months ago, coming out of a 4+ year relationship. I too feel lost, as if my schedule is completely thrown off leaving me to coordinate things on my own. I'm a very independent individual however, when you are in a relationship you can't help but to be sucked in like vortex and to a certain degree become "needy" of your loved one. NC is half the battle, I'm learning through my own experience that getting through any break up is the equivalent of keeping in shape, keeping in good mental shape if you will. With that being in said you must apply a combination of techniques such as redirecting your thoughts when amazing moments of you and your loved one inadvertently flood your head in addition to rerouting them towards things that actually matter and the now. I like to tell myself that I have not lost a thing but rather gained it all in life. I now have my freedom and feel empowered to do as I please, making wiser decisions and living a much healthier lifestyle. Remain strong, and most importantly remain in control, we all have weak moments and that's simply all they are "weak moments" don't allow those moments to make you do things you will later regret. Remember this too shall pass and you will come out of the a wiser and stronger person.

I loved the book "The Passion Paradox" (also titled, "The Passion Trap"), I felt I got a lot out of reading it. I believe both versions are out of print, I got a used copy on Amazon. Not sure if you'd be interested, but "become "needy" of your loved one" that is hit on the head by this book. This is not a "get your ex back" scheme or advertising. To be honest, I will probably NEVER get rid of my copy and buy it for friends who fit the "dynamics" when I hear about it.

July 13, 2013

I loved the book "The Passion Paradox" (also titled, "The Passion Trap"), I felt I got a lot out of reading it. I believe both versions are out of print, I got a used copy on Amazon. Not sure if you'd be interested, but "become "needy" of your loved one" that is hit on the head by this book. This is not a "get your ex back" scheme or advertising. To be honest, I will probably NEVER get rid of my copy and buy it for friends who fit the "dynamics" when I hear about it.

I've read a few good reviews, sounds like a very look ready. I will certainly look into it.

July 13, 2013

1.4 year relationship of many break ups. Ended by her 6 weeks ago. NC since. First two weeks sucked. No appetite, depression, sadness, poor sleep. Then I got mad and said screw this. Started dating and have dated two of the girls for a few weeks now. I'm making some mistakes by dragging old concerns/issues/feelings from the ex into the new dates but I realize it is to be expected and am making adjustments to not make the same mistakes.

At 6 wks NC, I feel ok. Sleeping good, eatting good, exercising. Realizing it was the right decision as she was just a mean bitch the last few months. Still miss her children and our "family time" we spent together on the evenings. I don't miss her though and am proud of what a great boyfriend I was to her failure..

July 14, 2013

4.5 year relationship, abusive on both ends. She ended it.

3 months later, I could careless what shes doing, still feel a little sick if she emails me, though I have not responded.

Filled my life with people, video games, working out and eating healthy.

But my progress is only because I cut contact permanently, 1 week after we broke up. Never asked anyone about her, blocked her number and facebook.

Not going to to look back.

Take time to feel the situation, look back at your mistakes as well as theirs, then accept them. Change the bad things about yourself and keep the great things rolling.

I even imagine myself with other people.

The POWA of NC~!

Ps: I felt like I hit rock bottom when she left.

Edited July 14, 2013 by Roflsaurus

July 14, 2013

4.5 year relationship, abusive on both ends. She ended it.

3 months later, I could careless what shes doing, still feel a little sick if she emails me, though I have not responded.

Filled my life with people, video games, working out and eating healthy.

But my progress is only because I cut contact permanently, 1 week after we broke up. Never asked anyone about her, blocked her number and facebook.

Not going to to look back.

Take time to feel the situation, look back at your mistakes as well as theirs, then accept them. Change the bad things about yourself and keep the great things rolling.

I even imagine myself with other people.

The POWA of NC~!

Ps: I felt like I hit rock bottom when she left.

Love this post and your attitude! I wish I could of done that the first time my ex showed me her real self. I did the opposite and kept going back for more abuse. The last and final time she ended it WILL BE THE LAST. She can F-off. She'll never hear from me again.

July 16, 2013

A year and counting...

Ditto... 1 year obstacle past last 7/11th, no waiting the next one on 7/22. Hopefully after the one year mark something will click and I can move on.

Sign In

How long did it take you to get over your ex-or how long have you been trying?

Recommended Posts

lessica

ggas

Legatus

JDPT

lessica

JDPT

lessica

supaflyz

JDPT

lessica

JDPT

lessica

JDPT

lessica

JDPT

drake13

J_L_C

along60years

along60years

along60years

JDPT

aloneinaz

Roflsaurus

aloneinaz

HopelessRomantick

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...