DavidJT Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 TL;DR: Hi, noob here...found this site through a random Google search last night. I've been "dating" someone from OkCupid for a couple months and I'm not sure if it's over and she found someone else. Just wanted some insight from you all. Don't sugarcoat but please don't be unnecessarily harsh. Also I tend to be a little long-winded and detail-oriented but I'll do my best. I'm 28. ----------------------------- A couple months ago I noticed a pretty 25 y/o girl had looked at my profile so I messaged her and she replied; she suggested meeting up that evening so we did (date #1). We met briefly and hit it off great; unlike my last online date, there was no awkwardness and it felt very warm and natural. (And I can be anxiety-ridden.) As a brewery employee she helped me select a good new beer. At the end she gave me a warm, close hug and agreed we should meet again. She texted me later that night and we texted throughout the week. A week after the first date she ended up suggesting we hang out (date #2). Sitting in my car at the end she said I was a "cool kid" (a phrase of hers), laid back (eh, sort of accurate), and some other compliments. She also implied she wasn't looking to rush into anything. She eventually made an *ahem* throat-clearing sound that I interpreted to mean she wanted me to kiss her, and we did. It was a long kiss/light making out, very nice and natural. This continued outside her car as well. I felt very happy. She texted me "thank you for the awesome time" and good night and and all that, and we started texting more frequently that week. She called me 'dude' once which I thought was weird but whatever. A few days later she suggested we hang out again (notice these are all same-day arrangements; date #3). We kissed some more and she complimented me on my gentle touch. Again she texted me afterward but over the weekend I got worried that she wasn't texting very much. I had suggested she come with me to a concert that week which on date #3 she seemed open to but a few days later she said she might be busy. On the day of the concert she indicated she might be free but then said her dad was coming up to visit. This begins a period of 2-3 weeks where she continued texting me periodically, including just to say hi, but when I would ask her to hang out she would have various reasons not to. Also the level of emoticons declined. Several times I was this close to asking her, "Why do you keep texting me if you don't want to hang out?" but I didn't. Finally one night she agreed to join me watch some local bands (date #4). She met me there late and we had a great time grooving/dancing to the music. She hugged me because I appreciate music. She also bought me a new beer she thought I might like. I thought that was very thoughtful. She did nothing to annoy me (unlike a different girl I brought there once who insisted on going out to smoke and we missed all the bands). We had a LOT to drink this night, too much probably, and we sat in my car talking and making out much heavier than before. She is clearly a passionate person and I like that a lot about her. Upon parting I asked about her weekend and suggested we hang out and she said "maybe" or something. I remember her getting playful and asking "why won't you kiss me?" at one point when she was leaving. That Friday I hit her up and she immediately suggested I friend her on Facebook which kind of surprised me. After some hesitation I did, and she agreed to hang out again that night (date #5). She tagged me in her check-in post on FB. She asked me if I had had any "awkward dates" off OkCupid and told me about a couple bad dates she had (probably during that period I didn't see her). Including one where the guy told her he was a virgin, and she isn't looking for that. She asked if I was a virgin and I told her no, truthfully. The whole night we were being pretty touchy with each other and it felt nice to be close to someone I like after so long. . At night's end we made out by her staircase and she had implied there was no one else home but when I asked if she was "alright" alone she said yeah. I figured she wanted to take it slow. When I got home she texted a ♥ which I took to be a good sign. Over the weekend we texted and I noticed she posted some interesting song lyrics (which I just noticed have since been removed...). That Wednesday she suggested we meet (date #6) and she offered to come out to my area because we live about 20-30 minutes apart. I was nervous due to anxiety over her texting punctuality the past couple days, and she picked up on this. I decided to be 'vulnerable' and tell her I'm nervous because I like her. She said she didn't think I was that into her. She also said she felt a friendship developing that could turn into something more, or something like that. But she still kissed me good and long, and continued texting me that night and the rest of the week. Two days later she came out to me again (date #7) and we had a great night watching improv. She laughed a lot, she had me take a picture of us with my phone, we hung out in my car making out and talking a little bit about sex and other things. Later I brought her in and made her coffee. (No sex, I still live with my parents...trying to move out ASAP.) I had some free concert tickets coming up and she said she was "quite possibly" free, but the day of the concert she was wishy-washy and bailed last minute because she was "dizzy." I went with a friend instead, and she asked how it was, etc. Around this time I noticed she added a new friend on FB...to cut to the chase, a guy from OkCupid. This is where the current anxiety sets in. The Friday after the concert we hung out (date #8) and the next day she told me she got off work early and I suggested we hang because I was in the area, so we met at the bar next to her complex (date #9). There was a little tension because a guy from her high school showed up and they were talking, and she picked up on my anxiety a little bit but I think I managed it ok. We hung out for a while outside our cars, and since we were sobering up I don't remember everything though a lot was said. There was more making out, dry humping this time, she put her hand down my pants and complimented the manscaping, and had me feel hers (lol). My friend thinks I should have been more forward here...anyway we also talked about stuff, I told her I would like to date her exclusively though she clearly didn't jump in agreement. I don't remember what she said, if anything. She said she'd invite me up but she has to clean her room first (bull****? she always complimented my clean car though). On my way home she texted "xoxoxo" That's the last I saw her, two weeks ago. The texting seemed to quiet down a bit, then she wasn't available to hang on 4th of July and when I asked about the rest of the weekend it was vague ("not sure"/working/baby shower). She mentioned I should visit her at her restaurant, and I did with a friend but she wasn't in. (It was a surprise, I didn't ask if she was working.) She stopped liking my posts on FB. It felt like something happened all of a sudden and maybe she decided to go with this other guy. I'm skipping a lot of details here because I'm tired and it's late but she texted me tonight and I plan on going into her restaurant tomorrow. Should I go alone or with a friend? I think a friend is better because she hasn't really met my friends or seen me with friends. Basically she seems wishy-washy and kind of last-minute about things, I'm probably not her top priority, but certain things indicate otherwise...sorry for the boring post if you found it that way. Honestly I felt a lot worse before this evening but I'm still not sure what's going on. I just hope if she decides things aren't working out with me that she'll let me know. Thanks for reading and I know, I wrote too much.
Janesays Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 From reading your post, it seems like this girl did the majority of the work for 9 dates. SHE invited you here and there, SHE initiated texts, SHE hinted at kisses (and other things) and so on and so forth. She also mentioned she didn't think you were that into her. Well, no crap. If I were in her place, I would probably think the same. She also probably met another guy, who, in comparison, seems VERY into her. Plans dates, initiates texts, kisses her without being asked, likely compliments her...and she is probably nursing her bruised ego by basking in all that attention. I know a lot of guys like to advise other guys to 'play it cool' and all that. But here's what playing it cool gets you. You lose out to another guy. I think you may have a shot IF (and ONLY IF) things with this other guy fall through. So my advice is to back off and let it run it's course. Should it fall apart, try to be a little more open next time, eh?
sdraw108 Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Seems to me that she wanted sex after the first few dates and for one reason or another, you failed to realise that. Making out on her staircase and she mentions she's alone that night? Can it be any more obvious? Commenting that she thinks you're not that into her? Asking if you're a virgin? What has happened is that one of those other guys she's been dating on OKC has been more forward than you were, and you've probably lost your chance. She's keeping you around in the background because she isn't sure about the other guy yet.
Author DavidJT Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 Thanks guys. Well I went to her restaurant tonight with a friend, she hooked us up pretty big-time (free beers), and asked what I was doing after. So we hung out after and talked about stuff some more. She knows I want to be exclusive with her but she says she likes being single at the moment. I asked her if she was seeing anyone else (she likes to have honest conversations) and she told me she's had a date with one other person but it's not gonna turn into in a relationship. She said she doesn't want me to feel like she's playing games. She was very tired after her shift and we didn't hang out too long, and I kissed her but it wasn't electrifying this time but she still let me kiss her. She also complimented my touch again (she called it "the best") So aside from the weak kiss I clarified a few things and feel alright. We'll see what happens. I guess I'm not sure if there's anything I can do to make her want to make that leap to exclusivity.
KatZee Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 She knows I want to be exclusive with her but she says she likes being single at the moment. Well there you have it. She's having a great time with you, having you take her out on dates, pay for dinners/events, but it doesn't look like she's going to settle down with you in anything legit. She's even dating other guys, so you're clearly not a priority and you haven't done much to sway her to wanting something serious. I mean you can continue "hanging out" but you're pretty invested in this girl. I can tell. You're going to wind up being taken for a ride.
Lansing Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 If you are looking for a "girlfriend" I think you should move on to someone else. It is pretty clear from your post she is fine with being single and meeting new people. You aren't aggressive enough. She clearly wanted to do more with you when she was "home alone". ., I know it can get tricky when you live with your parents. For a while I was living with my parents again after coming back from another city. I started dating/seeing this new girl but instead of spending the night at her place I felt like I needed to get home even if it was at 3am or whatever. In retrospect I really screwed things up because the girl felt like I wasn't into her. If you don't want to be more physical with a girl until you are in a committed relationship than that is understandable too but sounds like this girl is just looking to have fun
Author DavidJT Posted July 15, 2013 Author Posted July 15, 2013 Thanks. You're right I'm generally not aggressive enough but I have to clarify, the night she said no one was home alone I DID try to invite myself up to her place, but perhaps not strongly enough. I asked if she was going to be alright alone that night, implying that I could go in with her, but she said yeah she was alright. We were kissing pretty heavily outside her place when this was happening. I'm actually fine with getting physical. Like I said by nature I need to push myself to be a little more aggressive We'll see what happens. Hopefully she was just tired last night. We texted a little today.
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