haiku Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I am a long time lurker, as I have really benefited from reading much of what you all have to say. Even though you wouldn't know it from what I am about to say. I can't really discuss this with anyone IRL, mostly because I feel pretty stupid and I'm so upset I can't really make sense. I have been a OW for a few months, with someone I have been friends with for many years. Our PA began a few months ago. I did not anticipate our EA being as strong as it is/was. His BS knew about our PA and did not object, both have had prior consensual PAs. He asked for divorce, this has not gone over well. I feel like if there is any remote chance of this actually working out for the two of us, I need to go NC. I would really like for it to have a chance. I did not previously open myself up to the thought of long term because I didn't think the possibility of being more than OW existed. Help?
Author haiku Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 Thank you for your reply. It is the lack of control and what I feel is emotional responsibility for lack of a better term. And seeing somebody I care about in this emotional turmoil that I don't feel is fair for me to offer up too much advice. That and I feel like the less I know about the details of this the better. Details as in he said / she said - things that will likely not matter in a year anyway. But if I were to hear them every day might be opportunities to build resentment.
Got it Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I am a long time lurker, as I have really benefited from reading much of what you all have to say. Even though you wouldn't know it from what I am about to say. I can't really discuss this with anyone IRL, mostly because I feel pretty stupid and I'm so upset I can't really make sense. I have been a OW for a few months, with someone I have been friends with for many years. Our PA began a few months ago. I did not anticipate our EA being as strong as it is/was. His BS knew about our PA and did not object, both have had prior consensual PAs. He asked for divorce, this has not gone over well. I feel like if there is any remote chance of this actually working out for the two of us, I need to go NC. I would really like for it to have a chance. I did not previously open myself up to the thought of long term because I didn't think the possibility of being more than OW existed. Help? The title confuses me a bit based on the substance of the post. Do you question if you can be more than an OW? Yes I am/was more than an OW. I am me. Did we expect more for our relationship? Yes that was the agreement from day one. I am now his wife so I would say yes I have moved from the OW title.
Anna-Belle Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 We had a Dday 4 months ago and it's now been a month since my now separated MM moved into an apartment of his own. Yes, there has been challenges and continue to be challenges during this transitional period but compared to being in an EMR it's a walk in the park. Why would you want to go NC? That's beyond me. I understand giving the MM space and time to sort things out, but why would I abandon him and not support him during this time of change? Their next mile stone is selling the house and finding his wife a place of her own. Things are moving along much more rapidly than I ever dreamed of.
cocorico Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I am a long time lurker, as I have really benefited from reading much of what you all have to say. Even though you wouldn't know it from what I am about to say. I can't really discuss this with anyone IRL, mostly because I feel pretty stupid and I'm so upset I can't really make sense. I have been a OW for a few months, with someone I have been friends with for many years. Our PA began a few months ago. I did not anticipate our EA being as strong as it is/was. His BS knew about our PA and did not object, both have had prior consensual PAs. He asked for divorce, this has not gone over well. I feel like if there is any remote chance of this actually working out for the two of us, I need to go NC. I would really like for it to have a chance. I did not previously open myself up to the thought of long term because I didn't think the possibility of being more than OW existed. Help? IIRC, his W was OK with the PA, but doesn't want to D? How has he reacted to that - is he persisting on wanting to D, or has he backed off and resumed the A with a view to maintaining g the status quo? I think his intentions here are more material than whether or not a bunch of people on an Internet forum are in favour or not of NC. FTR, I was also one of those who did not go NC during our transition from A to open R to M. To me, I have always provided support to friends and loved ones when they have gone through D or other loss or trying times, so it made no sense that I would deny this support to one I claimed to love most at a time he really needed support. But I can understand that if your A R was in some ways unsatisfactory to you, if you felt you lacked power or were compromising yourself or were generally unhappy about aspects of it, that you might think a break could provide you with a better negotiating position to agree a R that met your needs better, rather than simply transitioning a R you found unsatisfactory anyway into a FTR. Horses for courses, I reckon.
Author haiku Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 The title confuses me a bit based on the substance of the post. Do you question if you can be more than an OW? Yes I am/was more than an OW. I am me. Did we expect more for our relationship? Yes that was the agreement from day one. I am now his wife so I would say yes I have moved from the OW title. Yes I would like to be more. Sorry I am not expressing myself well
Author haiku Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 We had a Dday 4 months ago and it's now been a month since my now separated MM moved into an apartment of his own. Yes, there has been challenges and continue to be challenges during this transitional period but compared to being in an EMR it's a walk in the park. Why would you want to go NC? That's beyond me. I understand giving the MM space and time to sort things out, but why would I abandon him and not support him during this time of change? Their next mile stone is selling the house and finding his wife a place of her own. Things are moving along much more rapidly than I ever dreamed of. I think the reason I would like to go NC is to give space and give time for a clear break to be established. We are also both parents to children who can read words and feelings. I do feel like I am abandoning him a bit but at the same time there not going to be much quality in the relationship for me. They are still living together.
Anna-Belle Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I think the reason I would like to go NC is to give space and give time for a clear break to be established. We are also both parents to children who can read words and feelings. I do feel like I am abandoning him a bit but at the same time there not going to be much quality in the relationship for me. They are still living together. In my experience it is much easier for all parties to understand that there is a need for a clear break when there is an OW in the picture. NC would only confuse the issue and make it look like there is opportunity for reconciliation. If he asks for NC, then by all means give him that. If you feel the need for NC to make sure you fare well during this time of change, then go NC. But for the OW to go NC for the sake of the married couple easier making a clear break, I see no benefit from that, rather the opposite. You can give time and space necessary for them to deal with their issues without going NC IMO. Your presence will make it obvious that a break is indeed needed. My separated man and I both have children as well. All of them are dealing well with the changes. They have been informed age appropriately.
canuckprincess Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 My guess is that based on statistics as well as how your relationship started off, no, you will never be more than the OW. When the affair fog lifts, you will not be together. Even if the MM leaves his wife, he will more than likely end up with someone other than you. However, anything is possible. If you want better chances, it's best not to start off a relationship based on lies. The lies alone make the relationship weak for the start, not a great foundation. Ok I have chime in, yes it can be more. The affair fog is a bs's way of justifying their own weaknesses and deciding to allow their ws to stay in the marriage and affair for as long as possible. I've been with mm for 7 and a half years and dday was 20 months ago and you really expect everyone to believe he's in a "affair fog". Give your head a shake. Seriously the only one in the "fog"is the bs, mm and I are not in the fog. The fog lifted a long time ago. I'm sorry if this upsets any naive bs's but this is a ow/ on support forum. 1
Author haiku Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 IIRC, his W was OK with the PA, but doesn't want to D? How has he reacted to that - is he persisting on wanting to D, or has he backed off and resumed the A with a view to maintaining g the status quo? I think his intentions here are more material than whether or not a bunch of people on an Internet forum are in favour or not of NC. FTR, I was also one of those who did not go NC during our transition from A to open R to M. To me, I have always provided support to friends and loved ones when they have gone through D or other loss or trying times, so it made no sense that I would deny this support to one I claimed to love most at a time he really needed support. But I can understand that if your A R was in some ways unsatisfactory to you, if you felt you lacked power or were compromising yourself or were generally unhappy about aspects of it, that you might think a break could provide you with a better negotiating position to agree a R that met your needs better, rather than simply transitioning a R you found unsatisfactory anyway into a FTR. Horses for courses, I reckon. Yes, W okay with PA but does not want to D. I discussed this directly with her. (yeah I know this is atypical) Yes he has persisted on D. I believe he would even if our relationship had not happened. Other than the M, I was satisfied with the R.
Author haiku Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 This sounds like it might be a bit like my situation, in that she knew we were physically involved, but not the emotional attachment. Am I correct in my understanding of the situation? If so, that can be hard for people to understand because most people don't comprehend a wife saying that it's ok for her husband to be physically active with someone else. It sounds like in your case, it's the intimacy and the changing of things that are at the heart of "things not going over well" with them. The fact that he asked for a divorce implies action on his part. Whether it's enough action for you, is entirely up to you. I only believe in NC if you are actually ending the relationship and feel NC should be used a healing tool for yourself. I am not sure why you would be going NC in this situation, but if you think you need to then you should. There are a number of situations, more than are posted here, where relationships turn to more than an OW. Of course, there are many more that do not. I think you need to know what you are willing to settle for and what you want from him and then make your choices from there. Good luck to you. LFH- yes you are correct in your understanding. And while he did ask for D, I do feel like there could be a little more action on his part. I have been D, and I wanted away from my XH so bad I did what I needed to to find somewhere to live, move my child, etc... It was not easy but I made it happen.
Author haiku Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 In my experience it is much easier for all parties to understand that there is a need for a clear break when there is an OW in the picture. NC would only confuse the issue and make it look like there is opportunity for reconciliation. If he asks for NC, then by all means give him that. If you feel the need for NC to make sure you fare well during this time of change, then go NC. But for the OW to go NC for the sake of the married couple easier making a clear break, I see no benefit from that, rather the opposite. You can give time and space necessary for them to deal with their issues without going NC IMO. Your presence will make it obvious that a break is indeed needed. My separated man and I both have children as well. All of them are dealing well with the changes. They have been informed age appropriately. Thank you. I think at this point I just need space period because I feel like I'm in a drama overload.
kareena Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 It's really hard to tell I guess it largely depends on the individual involved in the situation. Do you want a long term relationship with this guy? Do you see yourself married to him with the whole shabang? Are you in love with him? What are the reasons for him wanting to end his marriage? Do you believe that he might be a compatible partner or are you "listening to your heart"? I think that if you can answer these questions by yourself and to yourself it will give you some insight.
Anna-Belle Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Actually most OW get quite upset when they are blamed for the break up of the marriage. Most insist that they are not the cause of the marriage breaking up and that the marriage would be doomed even if there had been no affair. Also many OW have said the BW didn't care about their husbands or what they did UNTIL they learned of the OW. Once they knew another woman wanted their WS they suddenly became very inspired to fight for their spouse. So it would seem that the OW who doesn't want to be blamed for demise of the marriage and who doesn't want a BW putting up a huge fight for the marriage would do better to step aside while the separation and divorce is taking place. I wasn't talking about blame or cause, I was merely concluding that it may be easier for a BS to let go off the marriage if she realizes there is no chance to true reconciliation since the MM is not letting go off his OW.
Anna-Belle Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Thank you. I think at this point I just need space period because I feel like I'm in a drama overload. Then you are taking care of your own needs which is a good place to start.
Anna-Belle Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 (edited) No, that would just make the BS hurt worse. Let them work out their issues without interference or distraction. The BS is owed that much since her life is being blown apart. The BS hurting worse likely helps her understand the marriage is over. The quicker she accepts this reality the faster she can start to heal. Edited July 13, 2013 by Anna-Belle
Flapaman Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 The BS hurting worse likely helps her understand the marriage is over. WOW! NICE! How bout just bring the OW home and screw her in the wife's bed when you expect her to come home from work! That'll convince her the marriage is over! 5
Author haiku Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 I don't really care how she feels. Part of the reason I want out of this situation is that I've watched her manipulate everyone in it. I appreciate all of your insight. I think I need to put my energy into taking care of me. 1
canuckprincess Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 No, that would just make the BS hurt worse. Let them work out their issues without interference or distraction. The BS is owed that much since her life is being blown apart. Work out their issues, hmmm here are the issues. Her husband loves two woman, why should I just walk away? I've tried and he has begged and pleaded that I not stop seeing him. He is the one choosing to keep me in his disfunctional marriage. And if you think this hasn't affected my life you are sadly mistaken. Here's a challenge to every bs who has had a dday and is in a false reconcilliation, why not ask your ws what would make them happy. Oh I know why, because most bs think they own their ws. Well if you own him them shouldn't you be partly responsible for their bad behaviour?
canuckprincess Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 WOW! NICE! How bout just bring the OW home and screw her in the wife's bed when you expect her to come home from work! That'll convince her the marriage is over! Does it really matter where they screw? Bottom line they are lying and cheating whether be in my home or theirs the outcome is the same.
Journee Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Work out their issues, hmmm here are the issues. Her husband loves two woman, why should I just walk away? I've tried and he has begged and pleaded that I not stop seeing him. He is the one choosing to keep me in his disfunctional marriage. And if you think this hasn't affected my life you are sadly mistaken. Here's a challenge to every bs who has had a dday and is in a false reconcilliation, why not ask your ws what would make them happy. Oh I know why, because most bs think they own their ws. Well if you own him them shouldn't you be partly responsible for their bad behaviour? How would a BS know they were being falsely reconciled with? Why do you think BSs haven't asked? Have you read any of the stories here aside from OW? MM are not held captive. Several BS admit to out right telling their WS to go be with AP if that's what they want. Are you implying that every single reconciliation is fake? If so, then it would stink to be anyone but the WS. No one wins. 4
canuckprincess Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 How would a BS know they were being falsely reconciled with? Why do you think BSs haven't asked? Have you read any of the stories here aside from OW? MM are not held captive. Several BS admit to out right telling their WS to go be with AP if that's what they want. Are you implying that every single reconciliation is fake? If so, then it would stink to be anyone but the WS. No one wins. Of course I'm not saying there is no such thing as a productive reconcilliation I'm just commenting on my own. Also my friend is going through the same thing as her mm told his wife they have been NC since febuary but I know that's bull cause I've seen them together on a regular basis.
Got it Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 All, in THIS THREAD, the BS was fine with the affair. Why the soapbox t/j about BS' not knowing, being lied to, etc. This is not the point of the OP's post. Haiku - in YOUR case, if you are feeling like you are in drama overload, then definitely take a step back. There is nothing wrong with that nor does it mean you guys are done forever. You have your well being to think of as well. Take care of yourself and don't hesitate for standing up for your best interests. (((haiku))))
sweet_pea Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Work out their issues, hmmm here are the issues. Her husband loves two woman, why should I just walk away? I've tried and he has begged and pleaded that I not stop seeing him. He is the one choosing to keep me in his disfunctional marriage. And if you think this hasn't affected my life you are sadly mistaken. Here's a challenge to every bs who has had a dday and is in a false reconcilliation, why not ask your ws what would make them happy. Oh I know why, because most bs think they own their ws. Well if you own him them shouldn't you be partly responsible for their bad behaviour? He choosing to continue seeing you, and YOU choose to stay, as well. As far as the challenge, I asked my ex, and he BEGGED to stay/reconcile. I don't know a single BS (on here or in real life), that thinks they "own" their WS. That's silly. 1
canuckprincess Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 He choosing to continue seeing you, and YOU choose to stay, as well. As far as the challenge, I asked my ex, and he BEGGED to stay/reconcile. I don't know a single BS (on here or in real life), that thinks they "own" their WS. That's silly. Yes I do choose to stay.
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