Echo000 Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 The ex is not even a person anymore. They are a source of pain- the point of withdrawal. I dont see her anymore, have begun NC (for the second time but this time for good) earlier this week, etc. She may as well not exist, yet she is everywhere to me. My thoughts, my heart, my emotions, etc etc etc. It goes on and on and on and on. What a nightmare. Yes, i am doing all the right things. guess it just takes time. And i am no longer heart broken anymore, i went 4 months NC before and got over the break up at least enough to not feel heart broken. But she is eternally gone now, and i feel deeply, deeply sad, hurt, and constantly thinking about this. Feeling this. ENOUGH of this.
JDPT Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 We are on the exact same boat and I totally understand how you feel. There are certain days when I feel mentally exhausted and quiet honestly it's worst than being physically exhausted. What I suggest is to redirect your thoughts, essentially stop yourself when those thought inadvertently pop into your head and replace them with plans, objectives, dreams that you have of your own. It's mental exercise and remember that you have not lost anything but gained it all in life, you are this stand alone unit that can make wise decisions and be successful in life without her. Good luck. 1
Author Echo000 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 i just hate that this hurts me so bad..i just started accepting certain things but her moving away for good (suddenly with no real warning) has done a huge number on me. I keep thinking to myself.."just a week ago i was okay, thinking i was going to see her again this fall". Now its, "she is gone forever and i must move on". All in just one week. Emotionally drained. My face is a mask. Hides a ton of pain.
JDPT Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 i just hate that this hurts me so bad..i just started accepting certain things but her moving away for good (suddenly with no real warning) has done a huge number on me. I keep thinking to myself.."just a week ago i was okay, thinking i was going to see her again this fall". Now its, "she is gone forever and i must move on". All in just one week. Emotionally drained. My face is a mask. Hides a ton of pain. Wow everything you mention resembles my break up more and more. I too was left high and dry, such an abrupt break up, yes things were a bit rough but as you stated "she had done a huge number on me". Once again I understand, so many unanswered questions, that you torment yourself trying to connect the dots looking for answers only keeps hurting yourself further. Accepting the situation is crucial and as unreasonable as this may sound learn to accept and respect her decision regardless of it being excruciating. When you accept and respect it gives you a sense of ownership, you are now internalizing your situation and accepting that she is gone, and yes stating how painful it is would be pointing out the obvious but it's part of the process.
Author Echo000 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 agreed. i am not trying to fight it mentally like i typically have done. She had been telling me how she wanted to finish school in CA, how much she loves her friends at work and how she loves where she works, etc..then BOOM . I get a TEXT message casually saying she is moving 3000 miles away to the east coast and that she hopes she can see me one last time before she leaves". I told her i respected her decision, reasons for moving (family over there, chance to start over, focus on school more, be financially supported by family), but i couldnt be around anymore to talk to. I told her i was blocking her, and maybe one day i could be her friend once the feelings were gone. Response: "WHY cant you just show me love and support? At least till i have settled over there?" Ex wants to use me as an emotional tampon. She couldnt care less if it would kill me to be in contact with her while i know the hope is gone. Doesnt seem to bother her. So yea, time to relax the mind. Sh** is over with, and my friends and family keep trying to tell me its the best decision someone else will have ever made for me. Her moving away. Cuz to be honest, she was not very good to me before this decision to move. In our final conversation, she couldnt even manage to show love, support, and care toward me. Just was angry, frustrated, and accusatory. WHY do our hearts fall for people who arent good for us? if you eat something bad for you, your stomach immediately rejects it. why doesnt our hearts do the same ? haha
JDPT Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I too was given the news through text. I couldn't believe it, after 5 years of getting each other through very challenging moments in our lives, I thought this is what I get in return? I attempted several times to coordinate a meeting for us to talk the situation out, perhaps not to salvage anything but simply say good bye but to my surprise she declined. It amazed me but I had to force myself to accept and respect that decision as well. In hindsight, I realized all the issues we had and understood that perhaps she wasn't willing to proceed with the relationship. I also agree with your statement, "emotional tampon" sadly the only woman who I truly loved was the same woman that showed me the definition of "being used" in the flesh. I've never experienced what that felt like but with her and honestly analyzing everything, it certainly feels like ***** being used by someone you loved. I believe our hearts have a slower reaction at detecting who is "good" or "detrimental" for us now or in the future. I've learned through relationships to be just a little more vigilant and selfish with regards to thinking with my brain and not being as emotional as I used to. I like to the best of my ability analyze and see what makes sense. Clearly if we mastered that we wouldn't be in the mess we are in.
Author Echo000 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 Yes, the whole decision to text me that information shocked me. This huge, consequential news. When we spoke on the phone, she was like "im sorry i got excited and jumped the gun". Shows a lack of maturity and lack of common sense and judgement. Yes, brilliant move. In your excitement about moving away across the country, let your ex bf know ASAP via text message you are forever leaving. haha so dumb! Yeah your right. Its key to use your brain and not just your heart. I should have walked away way before she even knew (or told me) she was moving. Her moving away shouldnt even matter, it should be a relief. I forgave her for letting me know by text (tbh i was glad i was told ASAP so i could immediately begin the letting go process- although she didnt do that purposefully to help me along), but it speaks volumes of the person. Especially when that type of behavior is characteristic of them. JDPT, sounds like we got similar situations. You been in NC? You accept its over for good? whats your status/deal?
JDPT Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 (edited) There certainly is a maturity factor to consider. I did managed to disclose to her how juvenile her way of letting me go was. I read this statement not too long ago, "your ex does not care if you are dying" I couldn't help but chuckle at first but that statement is so true, she, just like you is using every possible tool she can to get over the relationship. I looked at the break up as, well this is survival now and it's either you or me and it will certainly not be me although the process is painful nonetheless. You mentioned " she didnt do that purposefully to help me along" she clearly did not disclose this to you out of the goodness of her heart, she was simply trying to make herself feel better and hoped to still have you as support as she left you by yourself to lick your wounds. It's very interesting that you mention that "you accept is over for good?" to this day it is still very challenging to accept that although I keep repeating and telling myself that it's over for good. I've lived with her the most amazing moments in life, I've never experienced life the way I did with her with any other past relationship, it was simply magical. And I will admit that I contributed towards the break up and perhaps neglected or took for granted many things, I too wish I could turn back time to rectify them because quiet honestly she was a pretty good damn catch. But this is all in the past and as they say you cant cry over spilled milk, I can't dwell on the could have, would have, should have, it's utterly pointless for me to do that it simply would bring me a ton of grief. Yes I miss her dearly but I also know that this happened for a reason and that I need to remain in control and have absolutely zero contact with her. Edited July 13, 2013 by JDPT 2
Honiebee Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 It will stop. You feel like it won't but it will. You feel like you're in a tangle of thorns and you're trying to fight your way out, but you just keep getting thrown back. You feel as though life is unfair and you want them to hurt as much as you, but you also want them back. NC and time. No one stays heartbroken forever xx 3
Author Echo000 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 I still have trouble accepting she is gone for good, but i think i can say it and mean it now that she is moving 3000 miles away. lol i just learned of this last week when she decided to move, so i literally have ZERO choice but to recognize its over for good. While she lived only 20 minutes away while im up at school, that would have been really hard to fully let go- so i can relate if she lives near you. Even still though, with her moving, its hard for me to accept. My ex had a good heart and meant well, but i can honestly say that i was the better catch out of the two of us. Doesnt make it any easier knowing that though for some reason. At least right now it doesnt. But she suffered from huge baggage from her past (no father figure, no family structure, constantly moving around, etc.), immaturity, lack of motivation, etc. BUT DAMN. Still hard to just be okay, even if the mind knows these things intellectually. Heart speaks a different language.
Mr.Fantasy Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Put some new activity in your routine that takes up your time. You'll adjust
Author Echo000 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 just crazy how things change..just with time. this time a year ago..smh. crazy. makes it hard to accept. like all this is just a game. how do we end up here?
JDPT Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I'm certain there is a correlation between the two, accepting the relationship is over and simply letting go. I managed to accept it was over rather quickly, I'm was amazed at how quickly I internalized that however, letting go is a totally different ball game. The thoughts at times flood your mind, who is she with? has she found anyone? is she having a difficult time getting through this as I am? letting go and fighting those thoughts its our daily struggles at least my daily struggles. I understand in time and if I continue to remain focused on what actually matters I will end up in a better place. She moving 3,000 miles away absolutely works in your favor, it's as if she non existent. I forced myself to view myself as a stranger, like someone who you would pass by on the street and don't care to think twice about as a way to detach myself from the relationship. For someone of us, the mind knows exactly what we need to do like staying away from carbs as it will eventually be detrimental to our health yet at times we need to indulge. I believe the same applies to this situation we need in our thoughts exactly what we need to do yet have weak moments when we perhaps give into our thoughts that could lead us to making wrong decisions. We must remain in control at all times for our own good.
JDPT Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 It will stop. You feel like it won't but it will. You feel like you're in a tangle of thorns and you're trying to fight your way out, but you just keep getting thrown back. You feel as though life is unfair and you want them to hurt as much as you, but you also want them back. NC and time. No one stays heartbroken forever xx Exactly, the world feels now like a cold, gloomy and eerie place as we no longer have this "unconditional" emotional support that we did at one point. However, this is what I believe defines a man, being able to pick yourself up regardless of any type of adversity and move on, managed and meet all your daily obligations without allowing your emotional state to interfere or hinder your from performing at optimum levels.
Author Echo000 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 i agree, that is what a man does. And i am realizing something about my ex. As the saying goes, I am finding that she loved me because she needed me. She did not need me because she loved me. Right now she is still on the east coast vacationing (during this vacation she decided she will be moving there in late august), and i doubt she is thinking much about me/feeling sad about this at all. And here i am, struggling to get by and figure how to best move forward without her. While I languish and struggle, i guaruntee she is doing totally fine (probably distracted and happy, actually). why? because she doesnt need me right now, so there is no love. and when she comes back, and eventually is packing all her stuff up and realizes that i will be one of the things she is leaving behind, watch. I will get a text then. Some pointless, breadcrumb message. Why? Because she will be scared for her move, and feel like she needs me. Then she will show "love". Human beings, so many dont even mean to be so selfish. But such a common thing.
JDPT Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 As the saying goes, I am finding that she loved me because she needed me. She did not need me because she loved me. I've never heard that before but it certainly puts things into perspective. Such a true statement.
Author Echo000 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 its hard accepting that, but that type of love is conditional. and i want unconditional love. In the way i feel now, i know i felt unconditional love for her. And it hurts that i believed she loved me back the same way. But thats life. And it prepares you for the love you actually want and deserve when the next opportunity for love comes along.
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