tgh5092 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 My ex of 4 years is driving me insane. We broke up over a year and a half ago. We broke up because she would always accuse me of not caring about the relationship, essentially. Never doing anything to please her, not being romantic, you name it. Frankly, we spoke different love languages. I supported us financially. I basically did all the house work, including cleaning, dishes, laundry, and outside. I tried my best to be "romantic" but frankly it just isn't in my DNA. I tried, though. She used to basically get me to do everything she wanted. I mostly did because I am non-confrontational, and she would get angry and passive/aggressive, and when I tried to talk to her about it we would fight. It was almost impossible to have a life beyond her, because she demanded almost all my time and would instigate a fight or get passive/aggressive if I didn't comply. She would always threaten me that we should break up. She would always ignore the things I did, and then claim I did nothing. I probably did the same thing. We are both culpable. Finally I got tired of it, when she said "maybe we should break up" I finally said "I think you're right." We decided to be friends, best friends even. The past year and a half I have been single. She has relied on me to support her new "career," I have loaned her money (a lot of money, I won't say how much but it is a LOT) that she still owes some, and I have been there to support her when I can. I didn't get upset when she dated other guys, I just told her I didn't want to hear about it. Lately she has been back to her old games now that I am seeing somebody. She has been accusing me of not caring about our friendship, not paying attention to her, not wanting to be near her, etc. Well, yes, I am seeing somebody else, that comes with the territory, doesn't it? I really don't know what to do. She is the only person in my life that causes drama. I am a very sympathetic person and I don't like to be viewed in a negative light. I have done everything I can, but hell I am 30 and it's time to move forward. I realize it's hard to get the whole picture. I will answer any questions you may have. I feel bad, I want to be friends, but her passive/aggressiveness really makes me angry. I feel like she is trying to manipulate and control me again. Questions? Thoughts? Advice?
StrongLass Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 my ex of 4 years is driving me insane. We broke up over a year and a half ago. we broke up because she would always accuse me of not caring about the relationship, essentially. Never doing anything to please her, not being romantic, you name it. Frankly, we spoke different love languages. i supported us financially. I basically did all the house work, including cleaning, dishes, laundry, and outside. i tried my best to be "romantic" but frankly it just isn't in my dna. I tried, though. she used to basically get me to do everything she wanted. i mostly did because i am non-confrontational, and she would get angry and passive/aggressive, and when i tried to talk to her about it we would fight. it was almost impossible to have a life beyond her, because she demanded almost all my time and would instigate a fight or get passive/aggressive if i didn't comply. she would always threaten me that we should break up. She would always ignore the things i did, and then claim i did nothing. i probably did the same thing. We are both culpable. Finally i got tired of it, when she said "maybe we should break up" i finally said "i think you're right." we decided to be friends, best friends even. The past year and a half i have been single. She has relied on me to support her new "career," i have loaned her money (a lot of money, i won't say how much but it is a lot) that she still owes some, and i have been there to support her when i can. I didn't get upset when she dated other guys, i just told her i didn't want to hear about it. Lately she has been back to her old games now that i am seeing somebody. she has been accusing me of not caring about our friendship, not paying attention to her, not wanting to be near her, etc. well, yes, i am seeing somebody else, that comes with the territory, doesn't it? I really don't know what to do. she is the only person in my life that causes drama. i am a very sympathetic person and i don't like to be viewed in a negative light. I have done everything i can, but hell i am 30 and it's time to move forward. I realize it's hard to get the whole picture. I will answer any questions you may have. I feel bad, i want to be friends, but her passive/aggressiveness really makes me angry. I feel like she is trying to manipulate and control me again. Questions? Thoughts? Advice? ....why is this chick still your friend, let alone your "best"??? 1
Echo000 Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 This is as straightforward as it gets: move on. You two trying to be friends is really not smart. Letting her go is an easy decision intellectually, but extremely difficult emotionally. Move on. Cut her out. 2
Author tgh5092 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 (edited) ....why is this chick still your friend, let alone your "best"??? Good question. Probably because we were together so long, and it was hard to imagine my life without her in it at least to some level. That has changed since I started seeing somebody. Probably also I am a very empathic person, and the fact that she basically has no support structure from family makes me feel obligated (intellectually, I know I'm not but emotions are always something we battle). This is as straightforward as it gets: move on. You two trying to be friends is really not smart. Letting her go is an easy decision intellectually, but extremely difficult emotionally. Move on. Cut her out. I like straightforward, and appreciate the advice. You're probably right. Now it's just about the doing. I think there are just too many expectations. Side note: I was with my new gal last night and I got a phone call at freaking 1 AM. She knew I was going out with her last night. Not very cool in my book. Felt like there was an ulterior motive. Edited July 13, 2013 by tgh5092
Exitleft Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I agree with the other posters, get rid of her. She will complicate and possibly destroy your new relationship. Don't allow it. 2
lessica Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Yeah, I think you need to let her go, or at the very least tone it down a ****load. If it is possible that she is a true friend then she should respect the boundaries that you put up, if she doesn't, she isn't worth it. You two probably have a connection, and have grown very close over time, and that is a good thing if neither of you object to friendship. But it has to be a 'healthy' friendship. I wouldn't feel comfortable borrowing large amounts of money off my best friend, nor would I make demands to them, or be demeaning to them. Set up boundaries which are necessary for you to have a happy fulfilling, genuine (as oppose to melodramatic) life. If she cannot adjust, then just forget about her.
Author tgh5092 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 Yeah, I think you need to let her go, or at the very least tone it down a ****load. If it is possible that she is a true friend then she should respect the boundaries that you put up, if she doesn't, she isn't worth it. Therein lies my major issue. The past 5 weeks I have been pretty much unavailable purposefully. I am seeing somebody else, so that takes up my time. Since I have toned it down and been somewhat unavailable, she has started accusing me again of "not caring" because I think she knows I care and that this will get a response from me. There's also the fact that she seems to think I should be able to read her mind and come riding in on a white horse whenever she has panic attacks, but that isn't how things work, especially when you aren't a couple. You two probably have a connection, and have grown very close over time, and that is a good thing if neither of you object to friendship. But it has to be a 'healthy' friendship. I wouldn't feel comfortable borrowing large amounts of money off my best friend, nor would I make demands to them, or be demeaning to them. That's how I feel. I don't expect her to put aside time to be with me. She says she initiates all our contact, which may be true but she is so "busy" all the time that I don't feel like wasting my time figuring things out. Set up boundaries which are necessary for you to have a happy fulfilling, genuine (as oppose to melodramatic) life. If she cannot adjust, then just forget about her. Thank you for your time and advice.
lessica Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I think you have this one sussed. Stick to your guns. And if anything, she needs to learn to cope with things alone and not lean on others, anyone in her life that is being a support person to her could be enabling her to continue to be needy, or dump everything on others. Stepping back is probably doing her a favor. I know it is hard when it is in your nature to help someone, but you just can't do it if it interferes with your own happiness. Lots of luck to you.
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