I need to stop being a doormat

[opal-elle]

I know it's what I need to do but how do I separate the pain? It's a lovely day here in the UK and I feel depressed because I wish I was out with him in this beautiful weather. People are blasting out love songs left right and center which has shamefully made me quite tearful. Everybody is happy and I'm concentrating on breaking up with the person who I'm so in love with. I know I need to do it, I'm just frightened of the heartbreak because already it hurts so much.

I know I sound pathetic, I just don't know where to start. I feel sick, scared and lonely.

[KatZee]

Thanks for your reply, I like your point of view.. I'm not intending to play games. I guess I'm just sick of being so weak all the time. Sick of always pussy footing around him. He has quite a short fuse and I always feel like I'm going to trigger his temper.

 

Seems like you have more issues than being co-dependent. I see fear here. You should not be with someone you feel you need to walk on eggshells around. This is emotional abuse. He does not make you feel safe, and you're not able to be completely honest/vulnerable with him because he will get angry with you.

 

This is not a healthy dynamic at all, and I can see why you're so attached to him. He basically keeps you in fear.

 

Not only do you need to get a life, but you need to start standing up for yourself. I don't feel this is a good relationship for you despite how much you think you love him. A relationship is based on trust... and not just in the sense that you trust him not to cheat or lie, but trust with your feelings, emotions, and your emotional well being.

 

Please join meetup.com. Start joining groups, girlfriend groups, sport groups... anything that peaks your interest. If he calls you, just ignore it and get back to him in an hour or so. Or send him a message saying you're with your friend.

 

Talking to him about this will get you NO WHERE. You need to show him you're making a life for yourself, making friends, taking up new hobbies, and really growing as an individual. This will be a good skill to have in ANY relationship you're in. Not just this one. It's never a good thing to become passive and to lose yourself to someone else.

[KatZee]

He started saying that maybe when he gets another girlfriend she'll do things better and do this and that.

 

He was shouting and extremely angry.

 

He said he wishes he was single because then he wouldn't have a girlfriend to think about (I give him all the space he needs, literally, he spends most of his time with his friends and I'm fine with that).

 

Are you kidding me with all of this? He's emotionally abusive. That's the end of it. This is the reason why you stay with him. He's beaten you down so low that you have no self-esteem. You probably feel like he's the best you can do.

 

 

 

Like an idiot, I apologised and said to him that I don't want to argue about something pathetic. I still held my ground though as much as I could. He repeatedly told me to f*ck off and that I was a little b*tch.

 

 

You held your ground? To him you're nothing but something to walk on. You really allow him to speak to you like this? He does not respect you at all. He knows this and he doesn't particularly care. You're something to abuse when he's in a bad mood. If a guy had the balls to say EITHER of these things to me just ONCE he would be thrown so far out of my life he wouldn't even know what hit him.

 

I asked him if I could still come over (I know )

 

You're a typical abused partner. They abuse and you go back for more due to lack of self esteem, lack of love for yourself.

 

He didn't say anything apart from "Part of me wants to be with you, part of me doesn't" and I agreed I felt the same.

 

You shouldn't feel the same. You know what you should feel? Disgust. Anger towards a person who treats you like a piece of garbage. You shouldn't want to be with him at all. If he's so confused as to whether or not he wants to be with you, make it REAL easy. Dump him.

 

I've now got back home after a very bad night's sleep at his place. I don't know whether to text or wait in sickly anticipation. What to do?

 

Dump him. Why do you continue placing your life on hold for a guy who couldn't honestly care any less about you? What are you going to text him? How sorry you are? How much you love him? That's a pathetic joke to say any of those things.

 

And wait in anticipation? Wait for what? Wait for him to finally acknowledge your existence and expect you to run to him when he finally has a spare second to see you? And if you don't see him, wait to be abused even more?

 

What about either situation is attractive or appealing to you?

[opal-elle]

You're all so lovely and to the point which is what I need!

KatZee, until I posted here I never really realised that it's emotional abuse. I just thought he was just prone to bad moods all the time.

 

You're right, I constantly feel like I can't do better than him. I feel like his mood swings are always my fault and I feel half the woman I used to be.

 

I don't want to be with him. I want to leave him. I want him to realise once I've left that he treated like a piece of crap and I want to be too happy to give a toss. It sounds pretty sad but in the past I've even practiced in front of the mirror everything I want to say to him, exactly how I want to break up with him, yet when I face him, I feel like I'm wilting. Even though he treats me bad, I can't just fall out of love with him. So how do I ignore the pain whilst breaking up with him? The heartbreak is what is stopping me and I need to push it aside and just do it.

 

I did text him this morning, saying "I didn't deserve that kind of treatment. I'd prefer it if you didn't text me today or at least until you've calmed down a bit."

 

It seems a bit pathetic and patronising now but I don't care. At least I didn't tell him I loved him and what's done is done.

[opal-elle]

Wow, keep it coming guys, it's actually making me laugh a little. This is the wake up call I need and you're all absolutely right. Going over was a big mistake but panic swept me and once I was there and he had hardly anything to say, I regretted it immediately.

 

I know I'm a doormat. I know I need to leave and when I started this thread that wasn't my intention. After last night, I'm hurting but I can't be f'd anymore. You've all gave me the kick up the ass I need. I just don't know how to go about it, I've never dumped anybody before.

[Treasa]

Oh sweetie, you have no idea the anger this thread incited in me. I'm American, and the guy I was "dating" last year was English. He would often fly off in rages if I didn't cater to him, and he would tell me to **** off and call me a bitch and a cunt. It was pretty damn bad at times. Only when I didn't give in.

 

I KNEW he was emotionally abusive, and I actually told him off or hung up when he'd say those things, but then I'd go back when he'd apologize almost tearfully.

 

And then in November I was tired of that **** and broke things off with him. Of course, he tried to keep me on a string, and it would for almost a month, because I still "loved" him. There were a few times when I'd let the words I truly felt come out of my mouth, which basically put him in his place and told him in no uncertain terms to stop contacting me, but it took him a couple of weeks to truly "get it."

 

Your douchebag sounds exactly like my ex-douchebag, and honestly, I want to fly over there and beat the **** out of him. Yours, I mean. Mine can go to hell.

 

Please don't take this abuse. Please don't even "stand up" to him by telling him you don't deserve to be treated like this and that he should contact you when he's calmed down. You shouldn't have to tell anyone these things!! It should NEVER COME TO THIS!

 

Ignore/block all further communications with him. Do not panic. I know you love him, but you're going through the same kind of thing that a lot of abused people go through where they just can't break away, even though they know the relationship is bad.

 

Please please please, just let things go. Throw yourself entirely into your own life. It wasn't until I did this and swore off relationships that I found my own completeness and strength. Now I just give off a vibe that people can't get away with **** with me, and they don't try to.

 

Please never talk to this mother****er again, except to tell him to stop contacting you entirely. He wants to find a new kicktoy? ****ing let him.

[Treasa]

As far as how to end it, send him an email stating, "I'm not taking your crap anymore. We're done. Don't contact me ever again. Don't even reply to this email."

[kassy]

Totally agree with the above poster.

 

If you are in a loving relationship but you have differences which mean the relationship is not going to work, then an in person break up is best.

 

In this situation anything other than email or text would put you at risk for more abuse and potentially physical violence.

 

Make sure to block him from your phone and email as soon as you send the message. Delete him from your life and as others said throw yourself into your own life.

 

Break ups hurt. But life goes on. One day you will feel happy you broke up. JUST DON'T GO BACK AFTER YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM FOR ANY REASON!!!

 

Good luck

[KatZee]

It's going to be hard for you to leave him. Know that. He's beaten you so far down that it's going to be REAL easy for you to fall for whatever sweet words he says at this time. "Oh baby, I'm so sorry." "I'll never say those things to you again." "Give me another chance." "I love you!"

 

If you can muster up the courage to send a message to him saying, "We're done. Do not contact me ever again." Then you've just started the hard work. Saying the words is easy. Following through is the true test.

 

Please dump him, and block him on your phone, email, and Facebook. Do not leave any avenue open for him to contact you because HE WILL come at you in an aggressive manner. He will demean you, verbally attack you, abuse you, threaten you, and do anything in his power to regain the control he just lost when you dumped him.

 

The key here is: DO NOT RESPOND. Do not get angry and try to retaliate, do not try to calm him down, do not apologize, do not rationalize, do not in any way shape or form respond to his contact.

 

Again, it's going to be hard. You will have the urge to reach out, say something, justify, etc etc. Hide your phone if you have to. Really reach out to friends and family for support. If he comes to your house, do not let him in. Have someone with you at all times. If you are fearful, get a restraining order.

 

I really would put nothing past this guy at all and I would expect and assume he's capable of absolutely everything.