opal-elle Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Hi there, I'm new to this forum. For a while I've browsed a few threads and thought it was about time to join. I have been with my boyfriend for around two years, we don't live together but live in the same city which is good. The past year our relationship has changed and I think it's because I have become far too attached. If he asks to see me, I automatically say yes because it doesn't feel right to turn him down, if I do I always regret it and end up missing him too much. I'm basically always available and in turn this has made my boyfriend a bit too comfortable and has made him start not to bother with me as much. I've noticed that on the rare times that I do pull away, he gets much clingier but it's just not in me to do this more often. I want to feel desired more and I've tried to speaking to him but things of that nature do not go down well with him and frankly I'm sick of hearing my own voice about it. Sometimes I feel like switching off my phone because I'm sick to death of waiting on his phone calls and when he DOES call me I feel sick and nervous because I know I'm going to be the same as I always am and agree with whatever he has to say. I want him to want me again I guess and the way I'm acting isn't making me very desirable. I don't want to be a bitch to him, but sometimes I just want to pull away but I'm scared it will piss him off. I don't really know what I'm asking. I guess I just want to kick my boyfriend into a gear a little, especially when I give him as much space as he needs and support him 100%. I would like a little more appreciation in return from him but I'm not doing myself any favours by always running to him when he needs me. Any advice on how to be an independent woman again and reject him a bit more, without the fear that it might push him away or make him angry?
clia Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Any advice on how to be an independent woman again and reject him a bit more, without the fear that it might push him away or make him angry? It sounds like you need to "get a life" (so to speak). It really is kind of a turn off to be with someone who is always available and always wants to see you. Something is really wrong if you can't turn him down for one night because you will miss him too much. So, make plans of your own. If you are able to say yes every time he asks you to do something, you don't have enough of a life of your own. Sign up for a class once a week, take up a new hobby, have drinks/dinner with your friends, join some Meetup groups, etc. You've got to find a way to keep yourself occupied outside of him. 3
beach Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Then start doing things differently. It is likely to get you a different result.
todreaminblue Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Hi there, I'm new to this forum. For a while I've browsed a few threads and thought it was about time to join. Any advice on how to be an independent woman again and reject him a bit more, without the fear that it might push him away or make him angry? I don't think rejecting your boyfriend makes you independent when you are doing it to get more attention from him......your fear of making him angry or pissing him off.....does he get angry with you very much....where is this fear coming from? it is pretty simple to gain your independence back as other posters have said fill your life with hobbies, outside interests, other friends......and if you make plans and your boyfriend rings, inform him of your plans and don't break them to be with him..... I also think that wanting to spend time with the guy you love isn't wrong.......but if you take a little time apart and have fun while doing so....when you come together its all the sweeter......loads to talk about......another thing is answering the phone when your boyfriend rings every time is pretty normal in my opinion..... playing games and not answering the phone isnt normal its playing at a relationship, not being in one whole heartedly...nor does it truly show signs of independence....if you are busy...you say hey can i call you back i am busy at the moment...if you arent busy then you can talk......that's not being a door mat because you arent busy enough not to speak to him......its just honesty and a bit of integrity i guess.......to admit you really do want to speak to him......... i dont think its s turn off to "be there" all the time for someone you love.....in my opinion "being there", is being in a relationship with true intentions and not well....elsewhere playing games....smilin...best wishes..hugs.....deb
Author opal-elle Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 You're definitely right clia, I mean I do have friends and hobbies and a job that I enjoy but I still manage to shift most of my attention to him. I need to stop it but the times that I have rejected him he gets really distant and cold towards me and I'm not sure why.
Author opal-elle Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Thanks for your reply, I like your point of view.. I'm not intending to play games. I guess I'm just sick of being so weak all the time. Sick of always pussy footing around him. He has quite a short fuse and I always feel like I'm going to trigger his temper.
beach Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 It sounds more like you should consider ending it. You should never stay if he's short fused and you feel you need to walk on egg shells. That's your que to leave for good!
todreaminblue Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Thanks for your reply, I like your point of view.. I'm not intending to play games. I guess I'm just sick of being so weak all the time. Sick of always pussy footing around him. He has quite a short fuse and I always feel like I'm going to trigger his temper. so that seems to me to be the main problem....this short fuse thing, that has got you scared to say what you want, lived in a relationship like this for quite a while, he would become distant and quiet....scary quiet....... he would ignore me when i spoke....and i would just sit there with my heart in my throat not knowing what i had done wrong tryign to think of ways to bring him back to talk to me.....truth was i had done nothing wrong....ignorance to me is killer.....erodes my spirit, leaves me confused unsure of what to say....can bring me from a bouncy place to a really dark one..makes me feel like a little girl all over again...... i am going to say if you feel any of these things while he is cold and distant like confused, unsure of him....or inferior...then seriously consider talking to him and see if he changes...if he truly does care about you he will make an effort to listen and communicate with you ..... this type of passive aggressive behavior that has got you scared is controlling its meant to put you on the back foot so you are easier to manipulate....... dont let it go....talk to your boyfriend honestly how his behavior is affecting you and that you dont appreciate him being distant with you.... whenver i read posts that talk about a woman who is anxious of saying what they really feel .....brings back memories.....i hope everything works out for you........be open be honest....dont put up with him being pissy ....you shouldnt have to..good luck.deb 1
Author opal-elle Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Guys, he rang me just now asking me to come over. I refused nicely and said I was going to bed early. I'm shocked at his response, he said "I'm going to be a little dick right now and ask why won't you come round?" I said there's no need to speak to me that way, I'm just tired. He came back with "Fine, have a nice sleep for ****'s sake." I just put the phone down.
Author opal-elle Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 And now he text me saying "I don't think you should ever come around again. Sorry." Please help, what do I do?
clia Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Ignore him. He sounds like a douche. You are not at his beck and call. You are tired and don't want to go to his place tonight. That is totally your prerogative. If he doesn't understand that, then I think you are better off without him.
todreaminblue Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 And now he text me saying "I don't think you should ever come around again. Sorry." Please help, what do I do? Something along the lines of " if that is what you want, i want the same thing you do.......I am hurt, that we are ending over me being tired, I care about you,I cannot help however the way I am at the moment, which is tired and drained....I was hoping to have a discussion with you to see where our relationship might be headed, but you have given me the answer i needed.....I wont see you again as requested goodbye I wish you well...." i really hope that whatever happens, it is for the best outcome......for you ....and for him.......good luck ...deb
Eclypse Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 And now he text me saying "I don't think you should ever come around again. Sorry." Please help, what do I do? Well that escalated quickly. He sure threw a 2 year relationship down the drain fast. He'll probably come crawling back in the morning. You deserve to have an equal relationship.
Author opal-elle Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 I'm sorry, I responded before even reading the replies, I felt panicky and rushed I just text him: "I woke up at 4:30 this morning and as a result I'm very tired, sorry for that. But if that's what you want then fair enough."
beach Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I'm sorry, I responded before even reading the replies, I felt panicky and rushed I just text him: "I woke up at 4:30 this morning and as a result I'm very tired, sorry for that. But if that's what you want then fair enough." Stop apologizing. You don't owe him explanations either! He sounds selfish!!! Be glad to get rid of him! Don't respond anymore if he texts you- you owe him no answers! 1
Author opal-elle Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 Last night was horrendous. I did nothing wrong but say I was to tired to come over and all hell broke loose. He started saying that maybe when he gets another girlfriend she'll do things better and do this and that. I rang him after he said that. The phone call was really bad, he was shouting and extremely angry. He said he specifically came home to spend time with me and said he wishes he was single because then he wouldn't have a girlfriend to think about (I give him all the space he needs, literally, he spends most of his time with his friends and I'm fine with that). Like an idiot, I apologised and said to him that I don't want to argue about something pathetic. I still held my ground though as much as I could. He repeatedly told me to f*ck off and that I was a little b*tch. I asked him if I could still come over (I know ) to discuss things and he eventually agreed, even asking me to steal a few cigarettes off my room mate. I went over and he basically had nothing to say and neither did I. He asked me if I was okay and I said I was and returned the question. He said no. We then went to bed and he asked if I had anything to say and I told him that I said everything on the phone. He didn't say anything apart from "Part of me wants to be with you, part of me doesn't" and I agreed I felt the same, he just said "good" in response. We then went to sleep. Deep down I feel like he knew he had majorly overacted, ended up sulking and didn't know what to say to me. But part of me is scared and hurting so much. By no means am I a perfect girlfriend, I have my faults but I've been 100% supportive when times were hard for him, he's been in trouble with the law in the past and I stood by him when everybody else turned their back. I've been extremely kind hearted and tolerant of his bad temper and attitude. I've done everything in my power to make him happy. I thought maybe last night something else had made him angry but when I asked he insisted it was just me. I'm honestly at a loss, I feel heartbroken and bewildered. I really want him to apologise and hear him grovel and I know that's immature. I know he still wants to be with me, I know that HE knows he's been an ******* but he's stubborn and won't show any signs of remorse. I've now got back home after a very bad night's sleep at his place. I don't know whether to text or wait in sickly anticipation. What to do? Also, thank you to everybody who has helped me so far, it means a lot to finally get this off my chest.
Author opal-elle Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 Oh god, sorry beach (apologising again), my previous post will not make you happy at all
kassy Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 What part of this relationship makes you happy? He sounds awful. You want to know how to get your independence back? Then break up with him. You have had some great advice on this thread. He is horrible to you, I don't care if he is sometimes lovely, nothing counterbalances the types of behaviors he displayed last night and what he said. Unfortunately you seem to be unable to see no one deserves to be treated like this and will probably continue dating him. My advise is. 1) break up with him, by phone or text. I would be concerned of potential violence for you to do it in person. 2) do not respond in any way to any contact after that 3) spend some quality time with close friends or famil and tell them you broke up with him 4) probably a therapist would be a good idea to understand how you got into such an unhealthy relationship and try to prevent the next one being the same 5) go do some things you love and try and realize that life is something to enjoy and not have to be scared. I am sure others will add even better points. I hope you do this for yourself. You sound like a good person. You should go and live life with fun and laughter not fear and temper tantrums and abusive language headed your way. Again. What part of this relationship makes you happy and feel good? Best of luck 1
darkmoon Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 (edited) just lead your life at your own convenience, either he will stop being boorish or he won't, imho, I see in your words that you believe in love, like you're in love with love, and this makes you try to see the best in him, but his worst means that you should branch out a bit, my 2 cents, he is not LTR material, date him if at a loose end and see if his manners improve, date others too maybe, some men are kind and pleasant Edited July 13, 2013 by darkmoon
Author opal-elle Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 kassy, thank you so much for your reply. The amount of times I've wanted to break up with him is unreal. Last night whilst he was saying all those things I honestly just wanted to say, "ya know what, I'm done, I'm leaving" I'm an idiot though, it's the old age excuse of "I love him too much" and I really wish I didn't. I want nothing more to have the strength to break up with him and I really mean that. Do you think he meant what he said, or do you think he knows he's being unfair to me?
Author opal-elle Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 Thanks darkmoon, that's an interesting take, I'll keep that in mind. But I also want to take kassy's advice.. and I also want to stay with him. I think before I do anything I want to resolve the argument last night. I can't deal with ending things like that.
2sunny Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Thanks darkmoon, that's an interesting take, I'll keep that in mind. But I also want to take kassy's advice.. and I also want to stay with him. I think before I do anything I want to resolve the argument last night. I can't deal with ending things like that. Resolve it by never being subjected to his abuse again, end it! See a counselor - you have work to o on your self esteem, lack of boundaries and lack of self respect. Please, please hurry, you need help. 1
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 and I also want to stay with him. Why? He's not going to change, and things aren't going to get better. They might, temporarily, but he'll be back to his old ways in a week or a month, because he's got something wrong with his personality.
kassy Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I hate threads like these. I think I should just not read them. When you realize that his attitude has nothing to do with you, that is the only closure you need. He is not a good person. You need to break up with him. This is a pattern. We see it a lot on here. The only good thing to say about him is you love him. Value yourself and your happiness and break up with him. Why would you allow anyone to make you scared, speak to you like that(for any reason, but especially not for something rediculous like being tired). If you do decide to stay with him, please also see a therapist and make sure you work on your self esteem and personal issues. Hopefully then you will be able to leave him soon if you can't do it now. It makes me so sad that someone can value themselves so little to waste their life with someone so cruel. 2
silvermercy Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 (edited) Your BF has are signs of a potential abuser!! If you lived together or -god forbid- married, this would easily escalate to physical violence after a while. Even if he's not physical now. The sad thing is you will always find excuses to stay again and again... That's what most women with your type of personality do. Most other women would have not put up with it; at the first sign of control and manipulation they'd be outta the door. But yet, you stay... Please, for your sake, contact a woman's charity to see how dangerous having a relationship with such a person can be. I hope you actually take this warning seriously and don't disregard it with yet another excuse! I actually hope HE breaks up with you and do you a huge favor. You don't have the power to do it on your own (and he knows it). Edited July 13, 2013 by silvermercy
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