Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 I met a guy on Match a couple months ago, I think. It's been awhile. We met for dinner and drinks. We had a nice time, but I found him to be quiet, passive, nervous, timid...something like that, I couldn't quite put my finger on it, I just felt like I was having to keep the conversation going and whatnot. I never heard from him again. Happens all the time, so I shrugged it off. Recently, he's been looking at my profile, winking, doing the "So and so is interested!" thing. So, I texted him and asked what's up - why is he tiptoeing and winking and all of that, and not saying anything. He responded and asked me if I even remember meeting him. Huh? Why wouldn't I? He said he didn't know. Then he said he never heard from me afterward, so he didn't think I was interested. I told him I never heard from HIM either. I'm now wondering if some of the guys I never heard from again were silent because I didn't ask them out on a second date? Because if that's the case, it's unlikely to happen unless I'm unreasonably into them (for unhealthy reasons). Guys, what do you expect from a girl by way of expressing interest after a first date? Isn't, "Thank you, I had a great time!" enough?
Imajerk17 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) Reading this I'm confused. You went out with this guy and you concluded he wasn't your type. And then a few months later he expresses indirect interest and now you're curious enough to text *him*? See, I've gone out on first dates with women, where the date had gone better than as you described yours went with this guy. And then after the first date, when I expressed direct interest in seeing her again (i.e., call her within 2 days with a second-date idea), I got "thanks great guy but no chemistry all the best to you" and that was the end of that. Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. Next time if I have an "OK" first date with a girl I could like I should play it as that guy did--not contact you for months but then start looking at your profile after that and maybe "wink". If your OP is any indication, this very well might get the woman curious (and keep the door open) in a way that my direct approach did not... To answer your question in your thread heading, a "thanks I had a really good time" said either in person or text suffices. Many men don't call for a second date because the woman came across as not interested. If we are on the fence about contacting you, then your expressing some interest quite often will swing us. (But as it didn't sound that you had that good a time with this guy, I am suspecting you did neither, right?) Edited July 12, 2013 by Imajerk17
Author Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Reading this I'm confused. You went out with this guy and you concluded he wasn't your type. And then a few months later he expresses indirect interest and now you're *ahem* curious again? Wrong on both fronts. He seemed nervous, that doesn't mean he wasn't my type. But at the same time, I am NOT "curious" now. I find what he's doing now to be a major turn off. To answer your question in your thread heading, a "thanks I had a really good time" said either in person or text suffices. Many men don't call for a second date because the woman came across as not interested. If we are on the fence about contacting you, then your expressing some interest quite often will swing us. (But as it didn't sound that you had that good a time with this guy, I am suspecting you did neither, right?) I said it in person. I recall him responding with, "Don't be a stranger." I found that an odd response, and figured if he was interested, he'd ask me out again. But he never made contact of any type, until now, when he started pussyfooting around my profile (which is sooooo weak and lame, BTW).
Imajerk17 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Wrong on both fronts. He seemed nervous, that doesn't mean he wasn't my type. But at the same time, I am NOT "curious" now. I find what he's doing now to be a major turn off. I said it in person. I recall him responding with, "Don't be a stranger." I found that an odd response, and figured if he was interested, he'd ask me out again. But he never made contact of any type, until now, when he started pussyfooting around my profile (which is sooooo weak and lame, BTW). But you said he seemed to be quiet passive timid and nervous. That just doesn't sound like your type. How could that have been a good first date for you so that you say "I had a really good time"? Getting back to the OT: IF you said "I had a really good time" in person then that definitely suffices.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 But you said he seemed to be quiet passive timid and nervous. That just doesn't sound like your type. How could that have been a good first date for you so that you say "I had a really good time"? Getting back to the OT: IF you said "I had a really good time" in person then that definitely suffices. I said he was quiet, passive, timid, nervous - something like that, "I couldn't quote put my finger on it." But that's really not the point at all, is it? If he was interested, he should have made contact... Not waited a couple months to start pussyfooting around my profile, and then when questioned why, answer with, "Do you even remember meeting me?" I mean, COME ON. Yeah, NOW I know he's still all those things I described. I guess my point is, that my point is made, for myself anyway: a strong, confident man, if interested, makes it known. A wimp does what this guy did! He's nice, attractive, successful... But... No. 1
BradJacobs Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 You can have a nice time without being interested; experienced myself on more than a couple of occasions. I do things differently than this man so that's the only thing that I'm qualified to comment on.
Imajerk17 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) I said he was quiet, passive, timid, nervous - something like that, "I couldn't quote put my finger on it." But that's really not the point at all, is it? If he was interested, he should have made contact... Not waited a couple months to start pussyfooting around my profile, and then when questioned why, answer with, "Do you even remember meeting me?" I mean, COME ON. Yeah, NOW I know he's still all those things I described. I guess my point is, that my point is made, for myself anyway: a strong, confident man, if interested, makes it known. A wimp does what this guy did! He's nice, attractive, successful... But... No. Yes, I agree with you indeed that you need a strong confident man. The "would you even remember me" is indeed a strong sign of lacking self-assurance. You played your part well, and letting the guy know you had a really good time (if indeed you did) is the winning strategy. Edited July 12, 2013 by Imajerk17 1
Eclypse Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 If a woman enjoyed the time we had I would be very happy if she texted me or called to let me know! Or just for a chat. I don't like the expectation that it always the mans job to contact the woman for every date. I don't really like women who are passive like that. 2
Author Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 You can have a nice time without being interested; experienced myself on more than a couple of occasions. I do things differently than this man so that's the only thing that I'm qualified to comment on. How do you do things differently? Assuming *you* are interested, what motivates you or discourages you from seeking a second date?
Author Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 If a woman enjoyed the time we had I would be very happy if she texted me or called to let me know! Or just for a chat. I don't like the expectation that it always the mans job to contact the woman for every date. I don't really like women who are passive like that. We're not talking about every date; we're talking about the second. The man most women want is a hunter and goes after what he wants if he's given sufficient bait. To sit back and wait for her to come to you after an initial meeting isn't all that wise, unless you're a passive man. 3
Author Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Yes, I agree with you indeed that you need a strong confident man. The "would you even remember me" is indeed a strong sign of lacking self-assurance. I think that's what's driving me nuts. I gave him an in, I was being playful and if he wanted do go for it, he could have, but that's how he responded. I actually said, out loud in my office, "Oh, come ON, dude!" SMH 1
BradJacobs Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Assuming *you* are interested, what motivates you or discourages you from seeking a second date? If she kisses me back. That's how this sod and I are different.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 If she kisses me back. That's how this sod and I are different. Ha. I typically don't kiss on the first date, unless it's planted on me without me being prepared, and then I'm offended.
Eclypse Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 We're not talking about every date; we're talking about the second. The man most women want is a hunter and goes after what he wants if he's given sufficient bait. To sit back and wait for her to come to you after an initial meeting isn't all that wise, unless you're a passive man. I'm not passive i just don't like that "expectation". We're all adults and if she enjoyed herself I'd want her to let me know instead of just waiting by the phone. I guess I should let her know how I like my sandwiches when I call her then. I'll definitely call her, but if I'm busy it would be nice for her to call me. Men don't have magic 8 balls to know when someone is interested.They might not support them, but they agree with them. 1
BradJacobs Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Ha. I typically don't kiss on the first date, unless it's planted on me without me being prepared, and then I'm offended. Didn't say I was typical. Said I didn't operate like the chap in your story.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 If I liked you Id be kicking your door down.. TFY 1
FitChick Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) When a man is interested in me, he sets up the second date at the end of the first date. I don't like wishy-washy guys. I like a man who knows what he wants and goes for it. Lesson for wimpy guys: Ask her out for that second date. If she declines you are no worse off than if you never asked her out -- you'll never see her again. However, there is a possibility you might get what you want. You have nothing to lose. Edited July 12, 2013 by FitChick 4
soccerrprp Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 When a man is interested in me, he sets up the second date at the end of the first date. I don't like wishy-washy guys. I like a man who knows what he wants and goes for it. Lesson for wimpy guys: Ask her out for that second date. If she declines you are no worse off than if you never asked her out -- you'll never see her again. However, there is a possibility you might get what you want. You have nothing to lose. To add: Ask IN PERSON, before leaving one another. Not get in the car, drive off, wait a few minutes and text or phone for a second date. IN PERSON. 1
Eclypse Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Btw the stuff he did now was silly. If after one date with a woman there was no contact for months then I began nosing around with "winks" online, I may as well just wear a sign declaring I'm a wimp.
sdraw108 Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 (edited) If he was interested, he should have made contact... If YOU were interested, YOU should have made contact. Don't be a hypocrite. Edited July 13, 2013 by sdraw108
crude Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I understand that women are obsessed with forcing the man to be the hunter who does all the running. What if the man confidently and in a manly way says he wants YOU to participate equally in the relationship, and if YOU want a second date, the ball is in your court, none of this aloof and woo me garbage. Would you still call him names or understand he wants some effort from you and act accordingly? 1
BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 No, maybe later on, after you are an established couple you can suggest meeting, but after the first date, if he likes you, he won't care to be equal and blah blah, if he really likes you, he'll ask you out. Even those who complain about this rule know that this is the general expectation, so if they don't ask you because they stand on the principle that "why should I ask her out and not have her do the asking out", then they don't like you as much as they like that principle. If he likes you, he'll definitely ask you out. So this guy didn't ask you out because he didn't like you enough to do so. Probably had other options and then after a while, going through a dry patch, remembered you...that's how I think it went down.
crude Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 No, maybe later on, after you are an established couple you can suggest meeting, but after the first date, if he likes you, he won't care to be equal and blah blah, if he really likes you, he'll ask you out. Even those who complain about this rule know that this is the general expectation, so if they don't ask you because they stand on the principle that "why should I ask her out and not have her do the asking out", then they don't like you as much as they like that principle. I'd like to know what's so awful about a woman saying she had a great time and now it's her turn to return the favor and plan a nice time for the guy? What's so wrong about that? Women are SO determined to never reciprocate, never do their fair share no matter what. What's wrong with so many women that they simply refuse the idea of equality. If a man is looking for a partner in life rather than a dependent, maybe he should just walk out on women who won't do their share. There are some decent ones around guys should seek out. 1
BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I'd like to know what's so awful about a woman saying she had a great time and now it's her turn to return the favor and plan a nice time for the guy? What's so wrong about that? Women are SO determined to never reciprocate, never do their fair share no matter what. What's wrong with so many women that they simply refuse the idea of equality. If a man is looking for a partner in life rather than a dependent, maybe he should just walk out on women who won't do their share. There are some decent ones around guys should seek out. Nothing is wrong in theory, except that despite all this talk of equality and how unfair is this or that (last time I checked a lot of things in life were unfair) ,if a guy likes you, he'll forget about equality and ask you out. If he passes you because of this principle, he doesn't like you all that much. It's really simple, human nature didn't change over thousands of years despite feminism and all that. 2
crude Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Honestly you could just turn that around and say that if to a woman the principle of the man doing all the work in a relationship is more important than the man himself, then she surely isn't all that into him. If she sees the man as potentially the love of her life, she might just snub the dating book advice and do her share. If not and she just says "next", then obviously he wasn't all that important to her. And I don't think it's human nature for women to never ask men out, I think it's friends and relationship books that hammer that stereotype into womens' heads. 1
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