mangopango Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 So I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over two years. We haven't really had many problems aside from when it comes to his drug use. Before we started going out, he would smoke weed and cigarettes. I come from a family where anyone who has smoked has died of lung cancer, and so I feel very uncomfortable with being around drugs like that (I'm pro-legalization for weed, I just prefer my significant other to not smoke). Anyways, after being caught twice by his parents he stopped, and so I did not have to worry about him using drugs again. Though I can tell that he really misses smoking. So about a month ago, we had a major fight in our relationship. We were in a rut- not having sex, no communicating, and were just bored with the relationship. While we almost broke up, we decided to try and fix it. We talked about the issues and realized that we needed to change the way our relationship functions, and while we were talking I told him that I would be okay with him smoking on an upcoming trip he was going on. Big mistake. He is currently on said trip, with his stoner, high-school drop out friend who spends all of his money on drugs. Not exactly the type of person to look up to. Since I knew that I could not take back what I already said, I simply asked him to not contact me when he was high, since previously we have had issues with him saying things to me that he did not mean while high. He left a few days ago, and I've been a paranoid wreck. He has only texted me here and there, just the simple "How's the day going?" and "So far the trip is great". Aside from that, nothing. Which worries me. All I can picture him doing is getting drunk and high all day long. I know it's my fault for saying that I was comfortable with it while I wasn't, but I have no idea what to do. I really do not want to start a fight with him while he is miles away and on vacation with a friend. I keep dropping hints that I am not doing well, but he isn't asking what's bothering me. Any ideas as to what I can do? I understand I'm at fault, and my options are pretty limited. I'm just worried because I know that once he starts smoking again, he won't be able to stop. Not only that, but his friend has a girlfriend who smokes as well and I'm worried that he will realize how nice it is to have a girlfriend who is okay with smoking and will resent me. Please help.
Author mangopango Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 As stated in the post, I am not anti-weed. I am pro-legalization, however I do not like how he acts around it since it has brought a lot of issues to our relationship. He has also gotten caught twice using it, and I fear that if he gets caught again he could face jail time/huge fines/etc. Also, because in the past his friends laced his weed with cocaine, so I worry about him using his friend's stash. I am completely fine with alcohol. Cigarettes are the only thing that I am completely against. If he decides to take up cigarette smoking again it may be a deal breaker for me. He has quit previously, because he realized that having a girlfriend is more important than getting high to him. I never forced him to, just stated how it made me uncomfortable.
HokeyReligions Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 It sounds to me more like you are trying to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. 4
Eclypse Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 I wouldn't date someone who smoked or did drugs or drank a lot so I would dump this person! 4
pteromom Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Not only that, but his friend has a girlfriend who smokes as well and I'm worried that he will realize how nice it is to have a girlfriend who is okay with smoking and will resent me. Please help. Why won't you realize how nice it would be to have a boyfriend who you don't have to worry about smoking? This guy's values seem incompatible with yours. 2
BradJacobs Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Not only that, but his friend has a girlfriend who smokes as well and I'm worried that he will realize how nice it is to have a girlfriend who is okay with smoking and will resent me. You two aren't compatible. Time to find a new bf that you don't have to train and mold to be compatible with your lifestyle choices. 4
Pompeii Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 This guy needs to break up with you because you are obviously too controlling.
Mrlonelyone Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Agree'd you sound like this could be a deal breaker for you. While you have no problem with other people out there smoking weed, you don't want it in your own life or your SO's life. It's been two years, decide to either accept him as he is or let him go. Bear in mind nobody is perfect, so it's possible he's put up with your quirks too. You'll find someone else, eventually, and they'll have some other problem. 1
RogerWallace111 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Two years puts this on you. He is who he is. This ^ And not in any mean way, just that it's clear he wants smoking dank to be a part of his lifestyle at the moment, so it's your choice to accept it or end things. I feel for you though. I know plenty of people who's personalities, choices and general demeanor are negatively affected by smoking weed habitually. Myself for one. After blazing pretty much daily from age 13-18 then quitting I saw how my whole emotional being had been significantly compromised and deadened by it. I've had short stints smoking in the years since, and still take a rip occasionally when the time is right, but I'll never get deep into it again. He may grow out of it too, or come to the decision to stop on his own, but it doesn't sound like it'll be happening anytime soon.
shexy Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 He's not going to stop smoking, so either learn to deal or break up with him
Gottabestrong Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Anyways, after being caught twice by his parents he stopped, and so I did not have to worry about him using drugs again. Though I can tell that he really misses smoking. How long has it been since he stopped taking drugs? I apologize if I am not up with all the lingo, but by 'smoking' do you mean cigarettes or weed? And are you worried he will keep smoking after he gets back from this trip? What makes you think so if he already stopped in the past? (Though I don't know how long he has been smoke-free from your original post.)
Keenly Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I've said it a few times in many different threads. You do not get to be with some one and then pick and choose the things you like and want him to keep, and don't like and want him to get rid of. You either take him AS HE IS, or you leave him.
Balzac Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I've said it a few times in many different threads. You do not get to be with some one and then pick and choose the things you like and want him to keep, and don't like and want him to get rid of. You either take him AS HE IS, or you leave him. Warts 'n ALL 10 characters
ascendotum Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I've said it a few times in many different threads. You do not get to be with some one and then pick and choose the things you like and want him to keep, and don't like and want him to get rid of. You either take him AS HE IS, or you leave him. I can't disagree with you on this, but a lot of people do try to change their partner to be closer to their ideal or at least round off the edges so they reduce their annoying mannerisms/habits. When people are in the honeymoon phase they can easily overlook/put up with things, but as time goes on the greater the inclination to try change them. I reckon, more so with women and their men, whereas with guys its more like they don't want their gf/wife to change. From the opposite side, the other person when they are gonzo with their new love, are more open to change to please their new partner, but less likely to welcome being nagged to change as the years roll on. Drugs or alcohol over use is certainly one thing I can understand someone would want their partner to ease up on as they settle into a relationship. Like you say though, what you accepted and hoped for and what you expect down the line are two different things. 'If you really love me you'll accept me for who I am' will trump 'If you really love me then you'll want to be a better person for me or do things to please me'. OP I guess you can take consolation that him hanging out with his stoner buddy on vacation is better than him hanging out with his no scruples playa buddy.
KatZee Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 OP, it's fine of you to not like the fact he smokes weed, but it's NOT OK that you feel you can change him, control him, or otherwise manipulate him into being what you want him to be; DESPITE how great you think your intentions are. This was a part of his lifestyle before he met you. Two years later this is still who he is. Take it or leave it. You knew from day one what kind of person he was. For the life of me I don't understand why women date guys who show who they are, and then the woman thinks she can adjust him and mold him to what they want him to be. Also, you really need to get a grasp on what your deal breakers are and STICK to them. You don't get to tell him you're OK with him smoking on vacation and then play the passive aggressive game by "dropping hints" that you're not OK hoping that he asks you what's going on... only so you can rag on him for smoking. NOT OK. You're either OK with it, or you're not. And if you're not, you walk. You're not his mother, you shouldn't have to be a mother figure steering him in the right direction. He's very capable making his own decisions. If he decides to smoke, and it alters his behaviors around you and you don't like it... YOU WALK. If he's that upset that he's lost you, he'll either decide to change on his own (+1 because now you can see how much he cares for you) or he'll just stay gone and continue smoking. In this case you'll see where you stand on his list of priorities.
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