kri Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Hey everyone! I'm struggling with this for a while .. actually, I've had problems with serious long term relationships, could say, I'm pretty much afraid of the commitment (father issues and so on). For the past few years I've finally started to trust men in my life, and it's going pretty well. The thing is - in my social group, there is a guy to whom I feel very attracted to, he feels the same. A very passionate guy, we connect well physically. We started off with some hook-ups, then decided to try something more serious (after he went right after me for a while, he got through to me). He is very caring, a gentleman, quite an easy going guy, cares about me a lot. But when we have conversations, it feels like we have almost nothing to talk about! He doesn't have a way with words and isn't into books so much, he doesn't know what to do with his life (what maybe is understandable for a guy 21 years old). He got out of a 4 year relationship this December. He said he likes me for my intelligence, hasn't tried to get me in bed too soon. The thing is, I'm into history, art, outdoors, sports, bicycles, science, pretty much everything, because knowledge is very important to me. But he isn't really passionate about anything that much, he doesn't know what to do with his life, he just says, that he'll come up with something next year. Is this something that can work out, can we find similarities and stimulate each other intellectually by time? Thanks a lot, for hearing me out
Balzac Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Ok the take-a-way is he's 21 but in the process of education? Ate you in the process of education? Finding commonality shouldn't be difficult. The depth of understanding and passion may be disparate but that's not always a factor of intellect.
soccerrprp Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 He is very caring, a gentleman, quite an easy going guy, cares about me a lot. But when we have conversations, it feels like we have almost nothing to talk about! He doesn't have a way with words and isn't into books so much, he doesn't know what to do with his life (what maybe is understandable for a guy 21 years old). He got out of a 4 year relationship this December. He said he likes me for my intelligence, hasn't tried to get me in bed too soon. The thing is, I'm into history, art, outdoors, sports, bicycles, science, pretty much everything, because knowledge is very important to me. But he isn't really passionate about anything that much, he doesn't know what to do with his life, he just says, that he'll come up with something next year. Is this something that can work out, can we find similarities and stimulate each other intellectually by time? Thanks a lot, for hearing me out Well, to answer your post question and based on what you have shared, the answer is NO you are not intellectually compatible it would seem. But he is caring and easy going and that certainly doesn't seem to be enough for you. Can it change? Of course. When you have conversations about topics of interest, does he have anything to add/inject to the conversation? Or is it absolute silence on the subject? Some people have opinions, but rather not expound as much. Does he seem aloof about his future plans? 21 is not too young. Is he in school? Look, it's clear that intellectual stimulation is important to you, so your concerns are legit. Perhaps more time is what is needed. Perhaps he's still feeling you out and trying to get more comfortable. Maybe he's intimidated by your "intelligence?" Takes some time to open him up more to such interests and allow him to comfortably engage over time. If it doesn't happen, you will need to reassess.
Phantom888 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Ask yourself: Do you get bored when there is nothing to talk about? Is there a common topic that stimulates you both? I have to say, if a woman and I can't develop an intellectually stimulating connection, I get bored quickly, and the relationship falls apart. I have a master degree and a lot of life experience, so I expect my partner to be able to keep up in our daily exchanges. This is more important than you think.
salparadise Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 He said he likes me for my intelligence, hasn't tried to get me in bed too soon. The thing is, I'm into history, art, outdoors, sports, bicycles, science, pretty much everything, because knowledge is very important to me. But he isn't really passionate about anything that much, he doesn't know what to do with his life, he just says, that he'll come up with something next year. Is this something that can work out, can we find similarities and stimulate each other intellectually by time? Thanks a lot, for hearing me out I think you've got a few different issues here... interests and intellect aren't the same thing. Finding purpose in life, having motivation, and setting goals are yet another. I think it would be hard for two people who are vastly different in intelligence to have a great relationship. Common interests are not mandatory, but most people prefer to have some. Differences in levels of passion/motivation probably depends a lot on the personalities. If the two of you are opposites in all of these areas then I'd think you need to have a lot of chemistry and physical attraction as the glue holding it all together. If he's adaptable then perhaps you will grow together. I suggest examining each aspect separately, then figuring out for yourself what you need to be happy.
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