Wings Of Love Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 I never thought I'd need to post here again. I posted a lot after my last breakup 4 years ago. But last year I met the most wonderful man. Our connection was immediate, from the very moment we started talking, and intense too. We had both had near identical experiences with our last partners and so much else in common. It was like finding the missing piece of a puzzle. Last week, on the 4th of July, we celebrated our first anniversary. It was one of the best nights of my life and I have never been happier. He stayed over that night and we spent all of Friday together. When I saw him again on Monday, we were talking and he said that although I'm hard work sometimes, I'm worth it and he wouldn't leave me for anything. Yesterday I was getting ready for our usual sleepover when I got a text saying he didn't really feel up to it. I responded asking why. No reply. Left it for a while and asked if he was ok. No reply. Left it a little longer and tried calling. He disconnected my calls. By this point I was crying, wondering what on earth I had down for him to act like this. Eventually I sent another text saying that if he wanted to talk, to let me know. He then asked me to meet him and take a walk. For the first hour he was normal. He hugged me, kissed me, said he loved me. Held my hand as we sat and talked. Then he told me that although he loves me, he's not sure he's still in love with me. I couldn't do anything but stare at him in disbelief, then I got up and walked away. He followed me. He took me home and agreed to come inside just for a while. We ended up laying on my bed, clinging to each other. We fell asleep in the end, and when we woke up he tried to leave. But seeing how much it was hurting me, he stayed a little longer. Finally he said he would sleep on it and so I went with him to his place and we spent the night being our usual selves. This morning he was sweet and loving. He rolled over to hug me the moment he woke up, he kissed me good morning and asked how I slept. We talked and laughed and hugged most of the morning. I had to ask though, and he told me that nothing had changed. I tried to leave while he had a shower but he caught me. His mother held me for a while as I cried, and then he took me back to his bedroom and kept apologising as he hugged me. Then he walked me home. We both cried a lot at the end, it was so hard watching him walk away. He promised to call me tonight and he wants to see me on Monday to make sure I'm ok. Even now he's texting me about how much he hates himself and that he doesn't want anyone except me, but I deserve much more. Maybe I'm being stupid but my intuition is telling me that this is not the end for us. Our connection is like nothing I've ever experienced, I do believe he's the one for me. He even said himself that maybe he just needs time. I've never seen him cry during our relationship but this is destroying him as much as it is me. I'm so lost, I feel empty and lifeless. It's as if he took half of me with him. I don't know what to do any more.
Philosoraptor Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 He sounds guilty and confused. He has a desire to leave but has guilt for the pain it will cause you. If you want to give yourself the best opportunity to heal you should cease contact and prepare to move on. If things happen to work out, good; if not, you've at least got a head start on healing and moving on in your life. 2
Treasa Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 If he plans to get you back, you being available won't help it. I, personally, would be done with him. He sort of played you like a yoyo, and ignored you are first. I don't think that's cool. If your gut tells you that he's "the one" or whatever, then walk away. Stop contacting him entirely. If he really wants you, HE will, and should, make the effort. If you chase him, you will only lose his respect and your own self-respect. Now is when you need to take good care of yourself. Make yourself eat, keep on with your routine, talk to people you trust, avoid him and his family, exercise, and focus on your hobbies. 1
BeautifulBlueEyes Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 This is my first time posting here but I have to say...move on. Don't wait, don't hold on and don't hope, because it will hurt in the long run. If you are meant to be it will happen but right now - it's not happening. Something isn't clicking with him and you need to respect that (as hard and as much as that hurts and will rip your heart apart). I can say this because your story is a mirror image of my own and I DIDN'T respect that. He broke up with me in May because he "wasn't sure how he felt about me" and I couldn't accept that. Maybe he didn't know but I did. He loved me and he had told me every day for so long...how could I not believe it? I didn't think it was the end (and it might not be the end...but right NOW it is). He even treated me the same and he cries and feels so bad for hurting me but if he really felt back...he wouldn't be doing it and neither would your ex. It hurts because I do think that my ex and I could have made things work but, the harsh reality is, he doesn't want to...so it won't happen. Sounds like And it sounds like it is the same for you, take the gift he is offering and spend the free time healing yourself and working on how awesome you are. It's going to hurt (I can atest to that because I am JUST accepting the end after hearing him call me an "ex" despite that we are supposed to be working things out. Cried my heart out for two days). The half of you that he took with him? Take it back because if I have learned one thing from my own experience so far it's that there is a ONE for each of us out there. Ourselves. <3 You'll be okay...I promise. As lost and lonely as you feel you aren't alone. I am crawling out of a similar tunnel currently and there is a light.
Author Wings Of Love Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 What gets me is that even in his sleep last night he said that he loved me. He has always been a sleep-talker but it's mostly just random things that make no sense. Last night he mentioned my name followed by "I love you". Perhaps that means nothing, I don't know. I don't think I can go NC yet. I've offered to back off and give him space but he just keeps saying he doesn't want me to disappear from his life. And if breaking up is the best option right now, why on earth has he said he doesn't ever want to be with anyone but me?
Philosoraptor Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 And if breaking up is the best option right now, why on earth has he said he doesn't ever want to be with anyone but me? To relieve his guilt and to "spare" your feelings. It's too common that a guilty dumper feels that giving slight hope helps limit pain, but all it truly does is cause the pain to go on even longer. 1
Zahara Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 What gets me is that even in his sleep last night he said that he loved me. He has always been a sleep-talker but it's mostly just random things that make no sense. Last night he mentioned my name followed by "I love you". Perhaps that means nothing, I don't know. I don't think I can go NC yet. I've offered to back off and give him space but he just keeps saying he doesn't want me to disappear from his life. And if breaking up is the best option right now, why on earth has he said he doesn't ever want to be with anyone but me? If I had a million bucks everytime a guy behaved this way, I'd be rich and happy without a man. I was with a guy that did the same thing. Talking in his sleep, calling my name. Don't get caught up with what they do in their sleep. Pay attention to what he's saying to you when he is wide awake, telling you that he doesn't feel the same way anymore. And they always want you in their life because you provide them the right amount of attention THEY need, it'll never be about what YOU need. Of course he's going to tell you he doesn't want to be with anyone else, would he say, "I want to be with other women Wings, but I still want to see you." He'd stand to lose you as an option.
BeautifulBlueEyes Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Wings - I promise you that this is very similar to my situation. Down to a T, offering to back off and give him space, that he doesn't want you to disappear, and the not being able to go NC. (...you aren't talking about a guy named Kris right...? O_o It is so eerily similar). The truth you have to accept that while he may not want to be with anyone else - he also doesn't want to be with you. If he did want to be with you then you wouldn't be on here currently. You'd be with him.
soccerrprp Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 WingsOfLove, Sound advice and comments here. So, nothing changed that could have given you clues to what happened? In the end, it may not be important, but this was simply a SHOCK to you?
happydate Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) I never thought I'd need to post here again. I posted a lot after my last breakup 4 years ago. But last year I met the most wonderful man. Our connection was immediate, from the very moment we started talking, and intense too. We had both had near identical experiences with our last partners and so much else in common. It was like finding the missing piece of a puzzle. Last week, on the 4th of July, we celebrated our first anniversary. It was one of the best nights of my life and I have never been happier. He stayed over that night and we spent all of Friday together. When I saw him again on Monday, we were talking and he said that although I'm hard work sometimes, I'm worth it and he wouldn't leave me for anything. Yesterday I was getting ready for our usual sleepover when I got a text saying he didn't really feel up to it. I responded asking why. No reply. Left it for a while and asked if he was ok. No reply. Left it a little longer and tried calling. He disconnected my calls. By this point I was crying, wondering what on earth I had down for him to act like this. Eventually I sent another text saying that if he wanted to talk, to let me know. He then asked me to meet him and take a walk. For the first hour he was normal. He hugged me, kissed me, said he loved me. Held my hand as we sat and talked. Then he told me that although he loves me, he's not sure he's still in love with me. I couldn't do anything but stare at him in disbelief, then I got up and walked away. He followed me. He took me home and agreed to come inside just for a while. We ended up laying on my bed, clinging to each other. We fell asleep in the end, and when we woke up he tried to leave. But seeing how much it was hurting me, he stayed a little longer. Finally he said he would sleep on it and so I went with him to his place and we spent the night being our usual selves. This morning he was sweet and loving. He rolled over to hug me the moment he woke up, he kissed me good morning and asked how I slept. We talked and laughed and hugged most of the morning. I had to ask though, and he told me that nothing had changed. I tried to leave while he had a shower but he caught me. His mother held me for a while as I cried, and then he took me back to his bedroom and kept apologising as he hugged me. Then he walked me home. We both cried a lot at the end, it was so hard watching him walk away. He promised to call me tonight and he wants to see me on Monday to make sure I'm ok. Even now he's texting me about how much he hates himself and that he doesn't want anyone except me, but I deserve much more. Maybe I'm being stupid but my intuition is telling me that this is not the end for us. Our connection is like nothing I've ever experienced, I do believe he's the one for me. He even said himself that maybe he just needs time. I've never seen him cry during our relationship but this is destroying him as much as it is me. I'm so lost, I feel empty and lifeless. It's as if he took half of me with him. I don't know what to do any more. Usually breakups do not happen instantly. There always will be a built-up resentment on the part of the dumper of the dumpee that he didn't like about you. He did mention it to you and that's he commented you were "hard work" sometimes but it's worth it. This is a contradiction of words. It's like saying that it's hard work saving money and it's worth it, but the goes on to burn all the money he saved up so much as though they are worthless! Do this makes sense to you? I got the sense that when you guys shared mutual baggage together, the question is to you is if he had resolved baggage or not. People who are dumpers tend to form patterns of habits and memories from past relationships and REFUSED to work on them and heal. In the end, when they enter into a new relationship with someone like you, the timing and causes of the increase intimacy triggered his fear of past relationships. He knew and recognized the patterns and the memories and he feared it will replay itself. So his words to you that he cares about you are just as hollow as an empty pipe. He doesn't want to commit further and probably great sex isn't worth the heart break he'll cause himself and to you later on as the relationship progresses longer and longer. So, he decided to cut his loses and run. Women who have baggage and a commitment phobic do just that. Perhaps your intuition is serving you well. However, you can not exert your free will onto him. Perhaps he is the one for you, but unfortunately he had not worked out his own baggage and heal before he entered into a relationship with you. You are not at fault. You're just unlucky that the timing isn't right. Edited July 12, 2013 by happydate 1
Author Wings Of Love Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 Having been through a breakup before, I'm certain that he actually means the things he say, unlike my last ex. Even just looking into his eyes I can see the pain this is causing him too, and the fact that he actually cried (something he has never done around me) proves that he is hurting just as much as me. He has been texting me since he left earlier this afternoon and his most recent replies say that he will definitely think about this situation, dig deep inside himself and explore his feelings. But he also needs to focus on himself for a while, something he hasn't done since the start of our relationship. He's definitely coming to see me on Monday. I know you will all think I am crazy for meeting him, but I have to. I need that time with him. I can't just drop him instantly, he means too much to me. Maybe I am crazy, I don't even know any more. None of this makes any sense. It's unnatural.
Treasa Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 I don't think I can go NC yet. I've offered to back off and give him space but he just keeps saying he doesn't want me to disappear from his life. Of course not. Not until he has another girl. You're his backup in case that doesn't happen, and to ease his journey along the way. And yet, he doesn't have to commit to you. How convenient. This is ALL ABOUT HIM. Do you want to be happy in the long run? Cease all contact, don't take his calls, walk away. You teach people how to treat you, and right now all you're teaching him is that you're bounce around his feet like a puppy as long as he allows it.
BeautifulBlueEyes Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 Been there - done that. I hope it works out for the best for you, Wings. But think about what you're being told and if it doesn't work out, we're hear for ya. =)
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