What I have so far....

[hippetyhop]

I have started a draft of what I want to send him.

 

Thoughts, please? Anything I should think about adding/taking out?

 

Dear MM,

 

I would rather discuss this over the phone with you, but as you know, I can be an emotional sap and nothing would get accomplished.

 

There isn’t any easy way to say this, but I can’t do this anymore. It isn’t anything you did, but I just can’t. I’m not doing this to be malicious or out of spite. Do I have feelings for you? Absolutely. Do I love you? Absolutely.

 

With ____________ being on high alert and us having low contact, it is best we end the affair. I know you’ve been doing your best trying to contact and see me without raising any red flags, but I don’t want to see you end up with long term consequences doing so. This is an opportunity for you to focus on your kids and marriage.

 

Since you’ve been off the grid with me, it gave me a chance to really think about what you and I have. Going into the affair, I knew what you were able to offer me. At first I was fine with it. As it continued and my feelings for you grew, what I want and need is more than you can offer. I accept that. I deserve someone who can give me their all, and I don’t have to worry about when I will be texted, or when I will receive a phone call, or now, who will call. I deserve to give my all to someone.

 

Over the past almost year, you have helped me grow into a better person. You have showed me how to handle and react to situations differently, and to take control of it and not let anyone get to me. I cannot thank you enough for that.

 

The hardest part of this is realizing I will not be talking with you on your way to and from work and trying to comprehend how you can be “that logical” so early in the morning, having our inside jokes, and spending my Saturdays with you.

 

Throughout the affair, I have respected your wishes when it came to me not contacting you when you are home, or when you’d say you will be off the grid. I am asking you respect mine since I need no contact properly heal.

 

I just want to say thank you for everything, I love you, and I wish you nothing but the best.

 

Love,

 

XXXXXX

 

 

I used "Absolutely" in the second paragraph how I did as that word is one our inside jokes.

 

One thing I tried to do in the 4th paragraph (discussing that I need more) is not give him any type of ultimatum that its all or nothing. Basically, I want to let him know I accept that he can't. Is there possibly a better way to word that paragraph?

Edited July 12, 2013 by hippetyhop

[CALOVELY]

I've not been in this situation before so take my advice with a grain of salt. To me, this sounds like he will think the door is still open with the numerous I love you's, etc. If you truly want to end this and be done with him, then I think your focus should be on letting him know this isn't working for you anymore and please do not contact you. Something along the lines of "This is no longer a situation I wish to partake in, it hurts too much and I wish to have a relationship with someone who can give me what I need and deserve. Please do not contact me anymore and please respect my wishes to be left alone". There's really no reason to further explain your actions or profess your love for him. You're leaving because you want and need more so (to me) this isn't the time to stroke his ego and make him think you will be pining away months from now and thus susceptible.

 

Well, that's my $.02. Kuddos to you for standing up for yourself and realizing you DO deserve better.

Edited July 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove whole post quote

[hippetyhop]

I've not been in this situation before so take my advice with a grain of salt. To me, this sounds like he will think the door is still open with the numerous I love you's, etc. If you truly want to end this and be done with him, then I think your focus should be on letting him know this isn't working for you anymore and please do not contact you. Something along the lines of "This is no longer a situation I wish to partake in, it hurts too much and I wish to have a relationship with someone who can give me what I need and deserve. Please do not contact me anymore and please respect my wishes to be left alone". There's really no reason to further explain your actions or profess your love for him. You're leaving because you want and need more so (to me) this isn't the time to stroke his ego and make him think you will be pining away months from now and thus susceptible.

 

Well, that's my $.02. Kuddos to you for standing up for yourself and realizing you DO deserve better.

 

Thank you for your input

 

Stroking his ego/keeping the door opened isn't something I don't want to do, yet, I don't want to be mean.

 

You are right--I do want more and it isn't selfish for me to want that either (from the right person).

[LilGirlandOW]

Good for you OP!

 

I think your letter is good, its how you're feeling, you do love him, you shouldnt have to leave that out to let him know that you need more for yourself.

 

NC I read over and over is hard as nails, and stings like hell. Babysteps girl, I think you're pouring your heart out and who cares how he takes it... you shouldnt have to be cold to get your feelings out, they're yous

[hippetyhop]

Re. my undertone in that particular paragraph, I wanted to let him know that I understand that he can't give me more. I'm not going to beg and plead for more. That is why I didn't even mention an ultimatum. It isn't my position to give one.

 

NC is VERY hard. I had to go NC on my best friend of 7 years since she wouldn't receive help for her BPD.

 

If I was strong enough then, I am strong enough now.

[CALOVELY]

For what it's worth, I think your letter still includes undertones of... You're not giving what I need but if step up your game (talk), I'll be back in.

 

Your letter still strokes his ego and makes your dependence on him obvious.

 

What truly works is something that says, "I finally woke up and realized you are giving me nothing so I'm moving on." He already knows that. What will be surprising to him is that you figured it out.

 

Don't confuse bruising his ego with spurning love. They are NOT the same things. They are often confused here.

 

That's exactly the vibe I got. OP, I do not think this is your intention but to me, this is how MM will take it (i.e) make more promises, step up his game, suck you back in, etc.

 

You can be short and firm without being rude. Your needs aren't being met, you don't want to continue with this and goodbye. I wouldn't say much more and certainly not I will always love you. Yikes!

[CALOVELY]

Re. my undertone in that particular paragraph, I wanted to let him know that I understand that he can't give me more. I'm not going to beg and plead for more. That is why I didn't even mention an ultimatum. It isn't my position to give one.

 

NC is VERY hard. I had to go NC on my best friend of 7 years since she wouldn't receive help for her BPD.

 

If I was strong enough then, I am strong enough now.

 

You do sound very strong, your letter however does not. Mark my words, if you send that he will think he has wiggle room.

 

Anyways, good for you for seeing things for how they are. You really sound like a neat lady and deserve someone who can give you their everything.

[hippetyhop]

You do sound very strong, your letter however does not. Mark my words, if you send that he will think he has wiggle room.

 

Anyways, good for you for seeing things for how they are. You really sound like a neat lady and deserve someone who can give you their everything.

 

Thank you for the sweet compliment

 

I just find it tough trying to be stern and letting him know my feelings at the same time.

[hippetyhop]

Nothing in the letter says "do not contact me again". If you're going to do this you really need to be absolute about ending it not professing your love. The message you're trying to get across is not strong enough IMO and can be taken in many ways.

 

Hopefully some men will chime in.

 

Should I then take out all the "I love yous"?

[Mycatsnuggles]

I've written the same letter. In my heart I knew I wanted him to profess his love and pursue me. He did. I caved. If you truly mean it tell him were done. Short sweet then delete the contact.

 

I'm debating doing this. I recognize how hard it will be. Hold your nose we'll jump together it will be the only way. If I don't delete the contact I'm sure I will be in his arms again.

[BrokenPrincess]

Agree with everyone above (too much ego striking), although I can relate to nearly every word. My xMM ended his letter with "Goodbye."

I think that's more effective than "Love, Hippetyhop."

 

It actually still stings me to envision that last word on his email, but it has reminded me many times that he is DONE with us and at least keeps me from breaking NC when I'm feeling weak.

[hippetyhop]

Yes. All the ILY's do nothing but stroke his ego. He's made his choice, and its unlikely that leaving his marriage was ever in the cards. It was an affair, not a epic romance. Personally, I wouldn't say a word. No email, no text, no voicemail. I'd go dark, and block any possible way for him to make contact. He will come around again, just as soon as he quiets the BS, and assures her that he's the loyal, faithful husband.

 

P.S. I like your username. My youngest calls Ihop the hippetyhop.

 

I will take out all the ILY's then. I don't want this to turn into a Nicholas Sparks novel. LOL.

 

I can't go in the dark like that. Although I shouldn't owe him anything, as a friend, I do think I owe him something. As for turning back around to me, I don't think he will. Just the type of guy he is, I'm pretty sure when I say I'm done, it means I'm done. I expect maybe 1 phone call or a text, if that. I have to wash my hands up with this one.

 

I'm glad you like my username. I originally wanted it to be "hiphopanonymous" like from Big Daddy, but it was taken! Ugh! (If that was the most of my worries that day, that would have been awesome).

[whichwayisup]

Too long. Sorry.

 

If you really want it over send something like this.

 

It's time for me to put myself first. You're married and that's not going to change. I do love you but I love myself more. I am ending this affair as of now it's over.

 

Take care of yourself and please do not contact me. If you ever loved me at all, respect my wishes and do not call, text, email or drop by to see me.

[hippetyhop]

Too long. Sorry.

 

If you really want it over send something like this.

 

It's time for me to put myself first. You're married and that's not going to change. I do love you but I love myself more. I am ending this affair as of now it's over.

 

Take care of yourself and please do not contact me. If you ever loved me at all, respect my wishes and do not call, text, email or drop by to see me.

 

I like that..it is short, simple, to the point.

 

I'm thinking if he does contact me or down the road (we have mutual friends) he would bring up that I knew he wasn't going to get divorced re. the whole "You're married and that's not going to change." I don't know..I think my over-analyzing emotions is just getting to me now.

[WakingUp]

Too long. Sorry.

 

If you really want it over send something like this.

 

It's time for me to put myself first. You're married and that's not going to change. I do love you but I love myself more. I am ending this affair as of now it's over.

 

Take care of yourself and please do not contact me. If you ever loved me at all, respect my wishes and do not call, text, email or drop by to see me.

 

I agree with this.

 

He is a guy, if you use too many words his eyes will glaze over.

 

They don't spend hours trying to read between the lines and agonising over things. But if they see an opportunity, they seize it.

 

Keep it simple, and to the point. Then keep the door closed!

 

(Hey I know I cant talk, but Im trying to help).

[amaysngrace]

I didn't read this thread but just want to say I really like your name.

[hippetyhop]

I didn't read this thread but just want to say I really like your name.

 

Thank you!!!

[hippetyhop]

I too wrote the same type of letter. That didnt work, he just upped the anti, he started on how he was leaving, and that led to a whole other emotional rollercoaster.

 

I agree totally. Short, to the point. No ego stroking. And, only send it if your truly mean it. If you don't, like I didn't at first, I KNEW I needed out of the affair but I was still addicted to it, I kept writing these types of letters, as sort of standing up for myself, wanting out, knowing I deserved more nd better, and I half meant it, the other half didnt once I spoke to him again, or recieved a I love you please don't abandon me letter back. Since I always took him back, did any of my letters actually mean anything? Or did he just see them as me looking for attention, so he gave it and I went back into his arms. I so wish I had stuck with it. I was weak, I was addicted, I couldn't let go as much as every part of my mind and body told me too.

 

Don't cry wolf if you just want to cuddle it.

 

There will be no cuddling. I don't want to be stuck in this circle.

 

What was your final straw? How did he up the anti?

 

For me, it feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It is much easier said than done.

[veryhappy]

I would tell you to send the letter as is, but I have to be yet another case where going NC in this loving way only led to him coming back saying he wanted to be with me and dragging me through h-e-l-l in the end. Like others, he also didn't expect me to follow through on NC or my timeline, and tried until the last moment to keep the affair going. The last moment was me writing I'd do anything to keep him away. That worked - he's so afraid of losing the wife if she finds out that it was the only thing to make him go away.

 

If you think you won't be enticed by promises of being together, send this loving letter. Otherwise, just be stern and let him know it's over and done. I find though that it's a gradual process of getting from loving and explaining to stern, and the first time going NC it would be nice to offer some sort of explanation. From the second time forward, the reasons should be obvious already.

[LimeBlue]

Too long. Sorry.

 

If you really want it over send something like this.

 

It's time for me to put myself first. You're married and that's not going to change. I do love you but I love myself more. I am ending this affair as of now it's over.

 

Take care of yourself and please do not contact me. If you ever loved me at all, respect my wishes and do not call, text, email or drop by to see me.

 

What he^^ said...

 

Or just cut contact and do not respond to any contact he may make with you.

[hippetyhop]

Halfway through my affair, I wrote one of these letters, too. Seriously, I was done. No drama, just said an affair was not for me and I deserved more. I let him go with love in my heart but the realization this wasn't going anywhere.

 

After three weeks, he came back with the new perspective that he deserved to be happy and was going to leave. To this day, I believe that was genuine. At the same time, that was the moment he got control. Who would leave when you believe you're getting what you need....soon. Aha, that led to him getting overconfident because we actually started making plans and he made moves to end his marriage.

 

What makes me a little different than a lot of OWs is that I held his feet to the fire throughout and gave him repeated opportunities to get out. What he didn't count on was I intended to keep him to his timeline. Anything else would be handing him my self-respect.

 

Did you eventually have to give a stern letter? Did you hear from him since?

 

Also- what are these timelines people keep referring to? Do they say "I'll be out in 3 months and with you?"

[hippetyhop]

I would tell you to send the letter as is, but I have to be yet another case where going NC in this loving way only led to him coming back saying he wanted to be with me and dragging me through h-e-l-l in the end. Like others, he also didn't expect me to follow through on NC or my timeline, and tried until the last moment to keep the affair going. The last moment was me writing I'd do anything to keep him away. That worked - he's so afraid of losing the wife if she finds out that it was the only thing to make him go away.

 

If you think you won't be enticed by promises of being together, send this loving letter. Otherwise, just be stern and let him know it's over and done. I find though that it's a gradual process of getting from loving and explaining to stern, and the first time going NC it would be nice to offer some sort of explanation. From the second time forward, the reasons should be obvious already.

 

This is what I'm thinking as well. I'll be nice once and then I'm done being nice.

 

I still don't get these timeline things. What was yours?

 

Mine would be to send the email. If he responds to it or tries to make contact, then I'll take the stern route.

[hippetyhop]

His anti was saying he was leaving his marriage, time lines..etc. he did leave, for a day and went back..then left again, for two days and went back again. Then I thought I was thoughouly finished.

 

I told the bs as a final nail in our coffin thinking it would put a stop to it all. She didnt know why he kept leaving. He was drastically playing both of us.

 

She kicked him out. I said I was finished as well. Even went on a few dates with someone else. He begged and begged and guilted me to keep on with him. Telling me it was the push he needed. He was just too "comfortable" before and hadn't wanted to leave his comfort zone. I took him back...he beat me severely in a drunken rage...that was my straw I found his phone in my room when I was home from the hospital and saw that he was still playing us both, he was still proclaiming love to his wife, begging her back exactly the same.

 

Yep glad I'm done with that scum.

 

Wow. I'm glad you are done with the scum as well. You definitely deserve much better.

 

I'm sorry you got hurt like that all around. What a coward he is.

 

I hope you found, or finding the peace, from this child.

[veryhappy]

The timelines happen when they come back with the realization that they want to leave and be with the OW. You are usually at a point there where you want to see it happen to believe it, and want a timeline.

 

When you are done, you are done and there's and no timeline. Even if he contacts you, you can choose to be done and not engage.

[hippetyhop]

The timelines happen when they come back with the realization that they want to leave and be with the OW. You are usually at a point there where you want to see it happen to believe it, and want a timeline.

 

When you are done, you are done and there's and no timeline. Even if he contacts you, you can choose to be done and not engage.

 

Thank you for the explanation.

 

If he EVER contacted me post NC, my time line would be: come back divorced.