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Husband is eager to change his patronizing and condescending tone of voice but how?

loyalwife

By loyalwife
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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loyalwife Member

loyalwife

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I have been suffering in my marriage because y husband is condescending, arrogant and patronizing. The reason I stay is because I realize that no one is perfect. This man would have been perfect if he had some social skill and humility. I have been complaining about his tone of voice, I have also tried to guide him. It works for a few minutes after we talk but 15 minutes later he returns to his original self.

He is quite sad and regretful right now because he hurt his friend with his condescending tone of voice on the phone. I heard him from the kitchen, yelling at his friend. I didn't want to interrupt the phone call ( Looking back I should have) but when he hung up, I asked him if that was our friend he just called, he said yes. I couldn't believe it, I was shock that my husband treated a person he called his best friend that way. I told him that he has no right to yell at anyone like that not even at his slave (if he owns one) At that time my husband of course argued with me saying he knows his friend better than me and he will be fine. Today he told me he sent an apology on email but his friend didn't response. We have not heard from this friend for about 6 weeks now..no email no phone call and I am not surprised. I would do the same thing if I were him.

My husband is sad and very eager to change but he doesn't know how. If anyone here has any suggestion I would appreciate it. If you know of any book he can read to help him that would be great too. I walk on eggshell every time I am with him in public because I never know when he will open his harsh and condescending tone of voice when speaking to me or to someone else.

All suggestion will be appreciated! Thank you.

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Forever Learning Established Member

Forever Learning

Posted
Posted
I have been suffering in my marriage because my husband is condescending, arrogant and patronizing. The reason I stay is because I realize that no one is perfect.

 

I walk on eggshells every time I am with him in public because I never know when he will open his harsh and condescending tone of voice when speaking to me or to someone else.

 

All suggestion will be appreciated! Thank you.

 

I lived a similar life with a similar assclown for 16 years.

 

Walking on eggshells is a terrible way to live.

 

I don't know if he will ever change, I doubt it, to be honest. However, I have included some links for angry men.

 

There is a therapist here in Houston where I live, his name is Newton Hightower.

 

I read about him extensively for the past 20 years, but could never get my husband (now ex-husband) to go to therapy to see him.

 

Mr. Hightower even does phone therapy, by the way, should you be interested. And he trains other therapists across the country, and has written books. I believe he may have a website and videos, I'll check.

 

Bottom line: Most folks who behave this way, can't change, it's WHO THEY ARE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN SINCE THEY WERE KIDS. But there are exceptions to every rule.

 

My life is 100% better since I divorced my condescending, arrogant and patronizing assclown. No more walking on eggshells. Eggshells suck! :)

 

(Click on the words below to get to the websites, they are 'links')

 

Anger Busters, Dr. Newton Hightower

 

His Book

 

THE BEST BOOK YOU WILL EVER READ

 

("Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood - get at your local library)

 

Another interesting website

 

You are probably CODEPENDENT too (get Melody Beattie's books at your local library as well)

 

Interesting article

 

Interesting website

 

Get reading, get learning. Good luck to you both.

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
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My husband is sad and very eager to change but he doesn't know how. If anyone here has any suggestion I would appreciate it. If you know of any book he can read to help him that would be great too. I walk on eggshell every time I am with him in public because I never know when he will open his harsh and condescending tone of voice when speaking to me or to someone else.

All suggestion will be appreciated! Thank you.

 

Record him. Have a conversation with him and record it without him knowing it. Then let him hear it so he can recognize what you are talking about.

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Forever Learning Established Member

Forever Learning

Posted
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I recorded my (ex) husband several times and it didn't make any difference. But my ex-husband is a Narcissist Psychopath, so that is a lost cause pretty much.

 

Loyal Wife, I wanted to mention, there are videos on that first link I provided, the website for Dr. Newton Hightower.

 

You should be sure to watch those videos of Dr. Hightower speaking, they are very informative.

 

It is important, at the least, to educate yourself continually. It will make a difference in the long run, educating yourself, in getting to a point where you are ready to leave if he won't change. All the best.

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted
I recorded my husband several times and it didn't make any difference. But my ex-husband is a Narcissist Psychopath, so that is a lost cause pretty much.

 

Right. Big difference, if the OP's husband is being honest and truly wants to change.

 

It's possible he's a good guy who just never learned how to speak kindly, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. :)

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Forever Learning Established Member

Forever Learning

Posted
Posted (edited)
Right. Big difference, if the OP's husband is being honest and truly wants to change.

 

It's possible he's a good guy who just never learned how to speak kindly, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. :)

 

 

That's right, I will as well. Her experience is not necessarily by any means identical to mine.

 

 

Loyal Wife, I was just watching the video of Dr. Hightower speaking (on his website), and it appears he may have had a stroke of some kind, his speech is warbled and I noticed one side of his face sags a bit.

 

In any case, don't let his warbled speech detract from his message on this subject. He is indeed a worldwide expert on Anger Management in Men, it's been his life's work.

Edited by Forever Learning
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LimeBlue Established Member

LimeBlue

Posted
Posted

Educate yourself properly on narcissism and sociopaths. Not only in the case of your husband, but just generally because having such knowledge will serve you well for your entire life going forward. I am married to a narc, and I am a strong stubborn tenacious person - and he thanks me for not being a walk over and someone who stands up to him. But I continue to educate myself on narcissism, not only in regardless to relationships, but in all areas of life from friendships, work, social functions etc. My husband also used to talk to me badly in a tone, or make me feel I was always at fault, but no more. Educate yourself on this disorder. Nobody will ever put their thumb over me again. Ever.

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loyalwife Member

loyalwife

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Thank you all for your suggestions.

Yes, he is honestly willing to change. We have been working on his tone of voice and it has been much more pleasant for the last 5 days. He started to open his sentences with: maybe, I think, perhaps etc. This morning he said to me "I think its better to keep the gate shut all the time for the kid's safety, what do you think"?. In stead of the usually ' How do I get you to shut the gate'? I admit I am bad at closing the gate behind me. So things are better and I want to stay positive. Keep those great suggestions coming please! Thanks

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loyalwife Member

loyalwife

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This morning we had an argument. He and I both went to our friend at different time and told her about our 'issue' with our own side of the story. We both told her to keep things to herself but yesterday he repeated to me things I told her. That didn't bother me much but I felt sad that we put our friend in that position. I would say she used to be more my friend than his. But going forward I am not sure if I will want to be as close to her as I used to. I am even thinking that it would be a good idea if she can become more of his friend so that he has someone to talk to.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and told him in a very nice way 'I am so sorry that we put our friend in this position'. His answer was 'YOU DID IT' in a very nasty tone of voice. We argued, my tone got more firm too. You can tell I am not letting him walk all over me. He called on my tone and I reminded him that I was upset because he accused me of putting our friend in that position instead of accepting that we both are responsible since we both went and told her our stories and expected her to keep things to herself.

LimeBlue Established Member

LimeBlue

Posted
Posted

I had a similar thing happen last year, but when H raised it with me, I realised on the spot he was gaslighting me, so I called him on it, and he still managed to gaslight me! The very little info I gave one person, was blabbed to him, but he put in more detail saying this person had told him ABC - when in fact I know that I only told her AB. So he was gaslighting with info only he would have, but was saying it came from her. Load of bollocks. I am tired of it and to this day when he does it I call him on it. It is now slowly getting better, but it is so exhausting - to the point where getting a divorce would be less exhausting. We are in a good space at the moment, but I await the next gaslighting session. And I will be honest, each time he gaslights me, the further out the door I get.

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