Queen of Sheba Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 So 2.5 months in. About 9 sessions of MC. 4 month affair. WS finally realises I think that there are no excuses for his affair, he is no better than anyone else who has an affair. Has made some moves to show remorse, still argues still tries to defend himself occassionally although the arguments are less and inbetween he says he knows he cannot defend anything he did and will try harder. I have told him not to say that anymore as it is meaningless as nothing changes. He tried just agreeing with everything I said, which was really stupid because I just said right you don't love me so he was stuck! The good days are more frequent. I wrote loads at different times and have printed off things for him to read. He said he would read them often. He hasn't but has promised to do it with me this w/e. (He has read them but not as often as I would like to make it all sink in). He is going to read my threads on here which should prove interesting for those of you who know I've done massess! So that is some way in doing what I have asked to show remorse and not just what he wants. He doesn't want to do it but will. He knows it will take years to heal but doesn't want arguments for 2+ plus yrs. Far enough nor do I. But I don't know if he gets the 2+yrs is not about arguing. So, what stage are we entering now??
jnel921 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 QOS, There are no stages.. It will always be a work in progress until you feel 100 percent that your WW is now your devoted and committed H. That does take some time. whether he likes it or not he has to accept that he caused you great pain, he could have destroyed and been apart from your family. If he made the conscious effort to stay he should be grateful to you for allowing him this opportunity. 2.5 months is still fresh and I am glad that you are in MC. I hope that both of you are able to use the the the tools that your MC is helping you to have to your advantage. Your H betrayed you. The focus now should be sorting through your feelings and rebuilding a stronger marriage. You should be trying to fall in love again. My H I have to say has done an amazing job. We have a vacation planned next week and he is excited to go and tells me how much fun we will have and how he is happy that we are going as a family. He tears up whenever I bring up his A. He says it the most regretful thing he has ever done. He knows hurt me and the person he was good friends with. Because they work together and word spread about what happened he felt shameful for quite a while. So he wasn't just getting this at home, he was feeling this at work. His working relationship with this person is better but they are not friendly. I believe the OW is out of the picture completely. My H comes home and is happy and shows me and tells me how much he lives me everyday. The option of divorce will always be an option until I feel 100 percent. For us, it's been a year since he touched the OW and 9 months since DDay. Still a Work in progress... 1
Confused48 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 I agree with everything Jnel said. I would just add that you seem really committed to reconciling with your H. Maybe too much so. Why is that? It is actually more likely to work out for you if you are willing to leave. You can't be dependant and weak and get what you want. That being said, since you are committed to recon, you can be patient. You can wait for your H to become truly remorseful. You can wait for him to figure out what you need. I did the same thing. Until one day I could not wait any longer. I cracked. I gave up on WS. Then WS got it.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) My stages closely followed the stages of grieving. I grieved the loss of my life as I knew it. I grieved the loss of who I thought my wife was. I grieved the loss of my "happy" marriage. I grieved the loss of my security. I grieved the loss of my self-identity. etc Shock - I was blown away; numb for weeks/months Anger - Hell, yeah I got angry (really kicked in about 3-4 months post d-day) Bargaining - "If only..." or for me it was more "How could you?" Depression - Yep, For men depression manifests as irritability. I was very irritable for months before I went on AD meds. Acceptance - This was hard and I still work on this from time to time. Sometimes its still hard to fathom and accept. To get to the "Acceptance" stage it was 3 years past d-day. As far as the arguing. My pattern was that I would be angry about A. Wife and I would work on resolving A. Okay. Now that I'm past A, now B pops up. Wife and I work on resolving B. Examples: A - was the sex part, B - was the lying part, C- was the way she treated me during her affair, D - the on going deception and manipulation, E - etc , F- go back to another thing about sex, G - go back to another thing about the lying, H - What about that time... As I learned more about the affair during this long process, new questions would arise out of it. I would clear one layer, only to enter into another one that is deeper. At 2.5 months out I was still in the Shock stage. Of course I was angry, but it hit a new level when I reached the "Anger" stage. For me the first few years I would be okay (relatively speaking) a few days/weeks/months and then as I approached a low point I would "emotionally vomit" on my wife. As time went by, these episodes would lessen in frequency and intensity. She had to endure these episodes, as will your husband if you two continue to reconcile. BTW - During all of this I never ruled out the possibility of divorce. My 2c Edited July 12, 2013 by Betrayed&Stayed
ladydesigner Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) My stages closely followed the stages of grieving. I grieved the loss of my life as I knew it. I grieved the loss of who I thought my wife was. I grieved the loss of my "happy" marriage. I grieved the loss of my security. I grieved the loss of my self-identity. etc Shock - I was blown away; numb for weeks/months Anger - Hell, yeah I got angry (really kicked in about 3-4 months post d-day) Bargaining - "If only..." or for me it was more "How could you?" Depression - Yep, For men depression manifests as irritability. I was very irritable for months before I went on AD meds. Acceptance - This was hard and I still work on this from time to time. Sometimes its still hard to fathom and accept. To get to the "Acceptance" stage it was 3 years past d-day. As far as the arguing. My pattern was that I would be angry about A. Wife and I would work on resolving A. Okay. Now that I'm past A, now B pops up. Wife and I work on resolving B. Examples: A - was the sex part, B - was the lying part, C- was the way she treated me during her affair, D - the on going deception and manipulation, E - etc , F- go back to another thing about sex, G - go back to another thing about the lying, H - What about that time... As I learned more about the affair during this long process, new questions would arise out of it. I would clear one layer, only to enter into another one that is deeper. At 2.5 months out I was still in the Shock stage. Of course I was angry, but it hit a new level when I reached the "Anger" stage. For me the first few years I would be okay (relatively speaking) a few days/weeks/months and then as I approached a low point I would "emotionally vomit" on my wife. As time went by, these episodes would lessen in frequency and intensity. She had to endure these episodes, as will your husband if you two continue to reconcile. BTW - During all of this I never ruled out the possibility of divorce. My 2c This is exactly how it has been going for me. We are 16 months out from Dday. Although my anger and sadness still come and go. Wondering when I'll get to acceptance, if ever Yeah the "emotional vomitting" is no fun, but as Betrayed stated those episodes have to be endured. My WH has had to deal with sh*tstorm after sh*tstorm and he still stays and proves to me that he will make it right again. Divorce will always be an option for both me and my WH if things do not pan out. I do know that I think about it and have threatened it more times than I can count. Edited July 12, 2013 by ladydesigner
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